It's not working!!!

I put myself into two categories. There is ‘Big Me’ and ‘Small Me’. Big Me is someone who overcompensates not being heard and feeling inadequate or forgotten by yelling and being loud and telling lots and lots of jokes about me being gay or walking weirdly and laughing and flirting way too much. Small Me is someone who wants to hide out and cry because of small things and big things alike. Small Me is someone who thinks a lot and has deep conversations with only some people and has one or two people who are allowed to touch me. Small Me thinks about how free will doesn’t exist and everything I do is out of my control and whether it matters if I self-harm for the first time in months and spiral out of everything. Small Me wants love and to be alone at the same time. Small Me wants everything to stop or to fall in a coma and is very masochistic. Small Me is ashamed and guilty and always apologizing. Small Me overthinks my past mistakes and years of mental illness. Small Me is bigger than Big me in the way that sometimes people can say something quietly and it is more menacing than if they had angrily yelled it. They have their own voices in my head and Small Me wants to make me let go of everything and Big Me argues and it goes on until someone interrupts my thoughts. I don’t hallucinate. I don’t hear the voices outside of my head. I’m just fucked up.