loose canon

She was so focused on the fight, that Emmett’s hands on her back nearly terrified her. Her steps faltered as she was pushed out of the circle. But it didn’t take long for Liz to push herself back in- trying hard to get a look at what the hell was going on. Blue eyes fell on a scene that she had been dreading. Emmett was standing with his fist clenched around her opponents throat, clearly cutting off her air.

He could kill her. He could kill her so easily, and he wanted to. If he held on just a little longer... but Liz's soft voice interrupted the wavelength of rage that his brain was on. Her soft touch startled him and his hand twitched, but he stopped himself from hitting her away. It was Liz. He could process that, and he wouldn't hurt her -- and she didn't want him to hurt this girl. Not any further, at least. Liz was right. He didn't need more guilt on his shoulders. You can stop yourself now. It was as if he actually needed her permission; or maybe it was more of a friendly reminder, because if she wasn't there, he didn't know if he would have.

She was vaguely aware of Emmett’s voice behind her, but none of the other girls even seemed to notice. They had problems, and they were girls, and all of it was soon to become frustration and screaming. Liz clenched her hands together. She didn’t even turn back to look at Emmett, or even answer him.

Emmett wasn't sure what to make of the situation. Girls, jealousy -- whatever they were arguing about couldn't be that important. In the beginning, he was undeniably amused. A small smile lifted the corner of his lips, especially when Liz kneed the girl in the stomach. Emmett knew the girls, and he knew they weren't strong fighters. It was a surprise they had even made it this far in initiation. But then they joined in on the fight, and initially, Emmett took a step back. It was one big cat fight, and it took him by surprise. "Jesus Christ." He moved forward, irritated but not angry.

"I won’t, okay? Promise. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you a warning in the first place.. You were doing so good, and it’s my fault that it got fucked up. But I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come, okay?" She took a few steps away from him so that they weren’t so impossibly close. Her eyes fell on the door.  "M’ gonna go get something to eat. Come if you want." Liz shrugged before stepping out into the hallway. She didn’t hear Emmett’s breathing behind her…However, it only took a few steps for trouble to arise. A fairly large group of girls and a leader stood positioned in the pit. Each wore a scowl. "Everyone--” a blonde girl spoke, recognizable, "It’s the bitch that broke my nose.”

Emmett didn't say anything. He processed it all silently, only nodding in response. He had come a long way, hadn't he? She wasn't making that up. But he still had these...setbacks. All of the violence. The anger, it controlled him. He could sometimes notice when he was being irrational; he could tell himself that he was making a big deal of nothing, that he was going too far. But he still couldn't stop himself. Once that rage filled his chest, it sunk in deep until he got rid of it.

Don’t recall saying I had one.

Well you were starin' at me like ya did.

Problem?

I get that. Everyone feels like that with something.. The rest of the world considers it wrong, but no matter what, you’ll always think of it as alright. I can’t change your mind about this, Emmett. It’s who you are. You’re a fighter, and that’s okay with me. Fuck it— It’s more than okay, I love that. And you don’t have to change that. All you need to do is learn how to control it. You just need to learn when it’s one hit too many, or when the consequences of your actions are going to get unreasonable, and stop yourself. That doesn’t mean that you can’t fight people anymore. Just means that you’ll be more careful while doing it. [ Her eyes managed to stay even with his for the entire time that she spoke. ] Don’t worry, though. I’m going to help you with it. You don’t have to do any of this alone. 

[ Emmett frowned, staying silent for a long while. He took a few deep breaths. He appreciated her being there for him, for being so accepting, but he hated conversations like this. Those conversations that made him feel like some sort of beast that needed to be tamed. Just when he thought he might be getting away from it, it came back and hit him full force. He sat down next to her again, but he didn't look at her. He kept his eyes trained on his hands, scratching at his scabbing knuckles. ] Yeah. -- Just... don't go away again. Please. Not without telling me.

[ At his confession, the smallest part of her sparked with appreciation. Something had clicked. His pride had transformed into something less aggressive and consuming.. It was like he was seeing everything from her perspective. Relief flooded her veins. She drew her finger and lightly rested it on the bottom of his chin, pushing it up so that his eyes would face hers. ] Your hands are shaking. You need to breathe. [ She was speaking the same words from a conversation that they had had eight months ago- before they were even officially together. Hopefully now, they could have the same effect. ] You’re one step closer to stopping it once and for all, okay? You know now. That’s the most important thing.. And I know that you’re getting set back, but I still believe in you, yeah? I’m always going to be the exception. Emmett, the truth is that I don’t want you to change for me.. I want you to change for you. I love you just as much now as I did when you were still doing drugs and eyeing every girl in sight. I’ve always, always been in love with your destruction. It’s your improvement that we’re doing this for. [ Her hands wrapped around his trembling fingers. ] Elizabeth King, remember? I don’t want that name because of whatever commitment we have to each other. I want that name because I know it stands for strength, and control. And I know that you have both of those things. All it takes is time. 

[ Emmett turned away from her, pacing the room. He still had a hard time accepting her praise or outward affection. He understood everything that she was saying, but it almost made him feel worse. He clenched and unclenched his fists, not just angry but also upset. She wanted to marry him. But why? Did he even want to change? He liked fighting. He still had urges to do drugs and drink. There was a reason that she didn't want to bring him to something like a memorial. She shouldn't feel uncomfortable showing emotion in front of him, shouldn't be intimidated by him in any way. It made him nervous, like he was doing things all wrong. He was so in love with her that it drove him mad, but he was still too caught up in his own mind. ] But what if I don't change, Liz? I know that it's wrong because everyone is telling me it is. But it still doesn't feel wrong. I wouldn't take it back. I'd go beat him a second time right now. I can't get rid of this.

[ She smiled slightly at his words. It was good to hear. She always liked knowing that he was making efforts to improve himself.. However, there was still some strange feeling in the air. Liz almost felt frozen in place. Disconnected. Her forehead slightly detached from his, and a tiny sinking feeling filled her chest. ] It’s been eight months, Emm… You’re getting into fights, and I’ve been leaving… I just can’t help but feel like you’ve gotten sick, or bored of me by now.

Didn't you hear what you just said? It's my fault. It's my fault that you keep leaving. I'm not bored, I could never be bored of you. If I was bored, I would have left a long time ago. [ Emmett didn't know how she could still blame things on herself. Maybe she had just gotten used to his awful ways, and that wasn't a good thing. He wasn't as bad as he was when they first met, but that part of him was still very much alive inside. That was clear to see by looking at the boy Emmett had landed in the hospital. He closed his eyes, not wanting her to meet his gaze. She wasn't the problem, not at all.. ] -- The boy who I fought..he's in the infirmary. [ At one point, he would have gone around bragging about the fact. Maybe to anyone else, he still would have. But telling Liz... he felt ashamed. ] I broke his arm and four ribs. [ He looked up at her, his eyes similar to those of a puppy that had been caught chewing up the carpet. ] That's not... that's not right, is it? But I felt like it was, until now. -- I said I wanted to change for you, but...I just keep getting set back.

[ She spun around when he grabbed her arm, and her eyes fell directly to his. She was looking at a very familiar expression. The one of confusion and desperation. The one that he always wore on his face when she seemed to be walking away- and suddenly about a million flashbacks flooded her mind. Of every single time that she had left this room, or the other way around, and that same pained expression on both of their faces. It was the only expression in the world that she despised. Liz, impulsive and driven, couldn’t stop herself from wanting to rid him of it- so in half a second, her lips were grazing the skin on the side of his neck. Her eyes shut and she melted into him, slowly and then suddenly, as if nothing else mattered. ] Emmett Damon King. I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t think your bruises were beautiful. 

[ Emmett sighed with relief when he felt her lips on his skin. He hated seeing her walk away, and he hated how weak he became whenever she did -- but it was worth it, if it got her to stay. He knew he should apologize, but that was always difficult for him to do. The use of his middle name took him aback. He always hated his middle name, but hearing her say it seemed to change the connotation. His hands went to her waist, and he rested his forehead against hers. ] I have been fighting less... a lot less. [ He said, almost sheepishly. It was true -- he used to get into a fight every other day. Lately, his skin had been its normal color for the most part. ] I'm trying. I'm trying for you.

That’s a load of bullshit. [ Her arms crossed against her chest. Her eyes sunk down, and for some reason, she felt something… off between them. They were different. She didn’t know what it was. Maybe the pain of what she had been through recently had changed her. Maybe the awkward stillness in the room, but she suddenly sprung up to leave. ] M’ gonna go for a bit. I’ll be back later. 

[ He should have figured she would see through him. He had learned to feign compliance to what she asked rather than starting a fight over everything, but it didn't make much of a difference because she could see straight through his bullshit every time. A familiar panic seized his chest when she stood, and he stood after her. The rapid movement hurt his torso, but he didn't show it. He grabbed her arm instinctively, not roughly but enough to stop her from moving. ] No ---- where are you going? 

I know that you think it isn’t. I know. [ Her voice had dropped, and she sat next to him on the bed. Her legs folded into criss-crossed position. Liz’s hand grabbed his, and she started to trace small circles on his open palm. ] It’s not the fault of Dauntless that you’re a fighter. It’s because of your dad. He put all of this shit and anger inside of you, and you grew up thinking that the fights were a good idea, but Emmett.. they’re not. I know you can’t change eighteen years with just a decision. Just.. if you plan to fight someone, take me with you or something. So that I can make sure it doesn’t get out of hand. That’s all I’m asking. I just want you to be okay.

[ His brow furrowed slightly, and he stared thoughtfully at their hands. It was as if he was thinking about this issue for the first time -- but really, he was. Liz never flat-out confronted him about it before, and he didn't know she had that much of a problem with it. He didn't feel like his fighting was out of the ordinary because he had been beating on people since he was a kid. It was how he solved problems -- or created problems when he was bored. He would never want her anywhere near him when he fought. If she tried to stop him, he still didn't know if he could stop himself. But he wasn't going to tell her that; he'd just agree to make her happy. ]  -- Okay. Yeah, that's fine. I'm fine. I am okay, Liz.

No, we can’t. I’ve been… ignoring this for a long time. Emm, fighting people is just as self destructive as when I hurt myself. All you’re doing is beating yourself up and I hate it. You’ve got to find an easier way to let out your anger.. A punching bag, or music or something. Not bruises. [ She sighed, her eyes dropping. ] — I know that fighting is who you are. You’re Dauntless. It’s how you were raised. And I love that about you, trust me. I love that you can hurt anyone who bothers me. But.. could you please just keep the violence only to situations when we really need it? 

[ Emmett stared at her. He never really thought that it bothered her to such an extent. He could see where she was coming from -- it was a form of self destruction, for sure, but it was also something of a habit. It went back to his anger problems. They had been under control lately, because he was happy. Content. He had Liz, and nothing was going terribly wrong. He was getting the attention and the love he had always desperately needed. But it would never just go away completely. Emmett sighed, running a hand through his hair and scratching the back of his neck. ] I don't... punching bags aren't really the same. -- I get hurt sometimes, but I always get better. It's really not a big deal.

Of course I do. I mean… What if one day he wakes up and remembers everything and remembers the fact that I didn’t tell him what happened? How would I explain that?

Well...maybe you should tell him right away, then. So that if he hates you, you'll at least lose him before your relationship progresses again. You know what I'm sayin'?

I’m not doubting you. I’m just saying.. there’s a first for everything. [ Liz knew that Emmett was a good fighter. But everybody had limits.. She led him down the familiar path to their room, and almost laughed when she opened the door. It was if she had never left. Minus a few new empty boxes of cereal on the ground, and a broken glass. Liz sat him down on the bed and then completely removed his shirt. She cringed at his damaged skin. He was right, though. Apart from a few cuts on his arm that she covered with bandages- he was mainly just.. bruised. Her hand rested flat on his chest, and she lightly ran her finger down the purple spots. ] Why do you do this to yourself, Emm? 

[ Emmett watched her as she looked at his bruises. She looked genuinely upset. Maybe even disappointed. He shifted, uncomfortable that he had made her upset. ] I don't know. It's nothing. [ He mumbled, looking around to see where his shirt had ended up. ] Can we just leave it?