KindredArrow

How do I deal with loneliness again?

I finally found someone who made me feel like I wasn’t alone. He was amazing. Even if he only wanted to be friends, it made me feel like someone out there could be capable of loving me.

I’d just been lonely so long... He made me feel like I was his person. So I did the  thing everyone warned me against and got attached. 

But it was okay, because unlike my other friends he wasn’t letting me fall alone. He was always there, good mood or bad mood. He made me feel like and important and precious person to him.

But then he lied.

We’d been talking about my day off for a while. We were finally going to do something fun on one of our rare days off together. The day before, I called him into work and before he left we’d been talking about hanging out after work and making plans for the next day. Then I get off and he’s made plans. He tells me they’re for his recovery and accuses me of not caring about his recovery when I get upset. We fought, but ultimately made up and went out to dinner before he went to his thing at 6.

He called me that night and I asked about going to the creek. He changed the subject. Then I tried to talk about plans and he said he hated making plans because they never work out. I told him that was awfully pessimistic.

So the next day, I get up and get ready. I’ve waiting for Wednesday since I’d received my schedule. We rarely have days off together anymore... I was so excited. I waited and waited for him to text me like he usually does. 

Only he didn’t.

I got impatient and decided to text him. He told me he was helping his friend find her lost sister. Based upon my reaction the previous day, I was trying extra hard not to sound too disappointed that our plans were being pushed back. 

He barely responded and when he did it was like he wasn’t really into the conversation. Then he didn’t respond for a long time. I was going crazy at home so I decided to take a drive.

That’s when he started responding. Then he called me. He told me he’d be comforting his friend all night. So I asked if that meant we weren’t hanging out at all. Eventually he said after his meeting him and Travis were all mine. It was a good conversation. He thanked me for understanding. I went home in a great mood.

Finally he texted me and asked me if I was ready to hang and I rushed right over.

Travis got in the car first. The first thing out of his mouth was that his dad was going to spend the night at Renis (or whatever her name is). So much for all mine. He told me not to get jealous or tell his dad, but when Mikey got in the car, Travis told him he’d told me.

He acted cool about it. Like it was just a hook up.

I’m kind of fuzzy on the details leading up to me calling him out, but eventually I did. He tried to deny it at first, but then he owned up to it. He said he was with a girl. Both after work the day before and that day. I wasn’t even upset about the girl. I was upset he lied to me. I told him that. I told him I understood why...I have a jealousy problem. It hurt my feelings real bad though.

I did feel better after him saying he wasn’t tired of me and he really cares what I think. He told me he didn’t text me back much because it was hard to text me.

He clearly felt really guilty. He asked if we were cool. I said we were. I really felt like we were at the time...

When I dropped him off, he nuzzled up to me. Then told me to give him affection. I awkwardly rubbed his back. He told me I was awful at affection, but his face said he was scared I was holding back because I was mad. I told him it was a weird angle. He shifted to give me a full on hug and kissed the side of my face before getting out of the car.

I thought that was the end of it. I started riding around with Travis. We drove around awhile just listening to music. Then he paused the music and told me he was really upset I didn’t want to hang out earlier. I apologized and said I really wanted to I was just so upset from waiting around all day. He said he wasn’t mad at me. He was mad at his dad.

He made me pinky promise not to tell his dad. I was so curious, I agreed. I guess when Mikey woke him up that morning, he told him they were going to the lake. Travis said he asked,”What about Olivia?” and he said he’d just see me later.

I got really upset then. We’d been trying to plan going to a water park. He fucking strung me along all day, Just lied and lied and lied to me like it was nothing. I wasted my day off waiting on him. And he only gave me an hour.

I feel like he probably won’t text me today. I kind of wish we both didn’t work tonight. I don’t know what I’d do with all the down time, but I don’t want to have to be around him and act happy.

The worst part is that I only half mean that. Because I’m just fucking addicted to his presence. How can somebody make me hate them and love them so much simultaneously! 

The truth is, I’m really hurt by all of this. I didn’t really care that he was going and sleeping with other women as long as he was spending quality time with me. What all the lying means is that she’s more than a casual lay. He likes her. 

So where does that leave me? He says my friendship is really important to him. Apparently it wasn’t important enough to him not to lie. He says he didn’t want to hurt me...but he did anyway. The truth there I guess is he didn’t want to have to face the hurt. If he really didn’t want to hurt me, he would’ve kept our plans. Or at the very least have an honest conversation about his plans.

I’d be lying if I said that wouldn’t hurt too. But at least then I’d know he cared enough not to lie.

Now I’m conflicted. I don’t want to chase him off by being in a mood, but how can I not be when I feel so hurt. How do I salvage this friendship? I love him and I don’t want to lose him, because here lately he’s the only thing making getting out of bed worth it.

And therein lies the issue. I need to get it so my happiness isn’t so wrapped up in other people. Our relationship is weird, but I found it satisfying. Clearly he did not.