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Aries: The stars say the McRib will soon be back. The McRib wants revenge.

Taurus: All Tauruses are about 20% better at punching through brick walls than the other signs.

Gemini: Your collection of novelty stamped pennies is almost complete. The door to the Other Side will open as soon as you visit sea world in san diego.

Cancer: Laugh with the universe as you find your enemies impales on a wrought iron fence.

Leo: For safety reasons, all Leo’s will be required to announce their arrival in new rooms with a bugle. Bugles will be provided and can be located in the nearest ditch.

Virgo: Relax your shoulders. More.

Libra: Carpet armor is only effective against foot based attacks. You made a good choice, libra.

Scorpio: The stars say happiness will find you and hit you with a wrench until you tell them where the safe house is.

Ophiuchus: There are obstacles in your future. Literal hurdles. Hope you practiced your high jump.

Sagittarius: I could not receive todays fortune because the stars were making fart noises with their mouth and giggling.

Capricorn: A predator of sentient echoes lurks in the streets. Shut your ears.

Aquarius: Given other choices, your first car could have been an engine of war.

Aries: Force yourself to do the things you know you need to do.

Taurus: Life gets easier once you realize you dont have to be involved in everything. Let sleeping armed militants lie.

Gemini: Its meaningless if you cant remember it. Boring genius is just as worthless as boring trash.

Cancer: Ideas are refined like ore. You gotta do the work to dig it out of the ground though.

Leo: It never comes when you’re prepared. Nothing ever does.

Virgo: You are made of a thousand thousand little things. For every cell of you there are eight cells of something else. Keep them happy they are your guests.

Libra: Dont just seek more difficult challenges, seek different challenges. Look for things that show you the world in a slightly different way.

Scorpio: Oftentimes, just picking yourself up off the floor over and over again is exercise enough. Gravity is the best trainer.

Ophiuchus: Dont expect courtesy of the world. Just dont.

Sagittarius: You’ve lost a lot of time haven’t you? Don’t worry. Nobody ever has 100% of their time with them when they’re done.

Capricorn: Fat is chemically burned. Every time you gasp for breath you are billowing with the smoke of weakness.

Aquarius: Your only option is beef stew.