Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I donāt give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of saltāāārocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap hereāāāand toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fuckāāāit should scorch the shit out of your finger if youāre stupid enough to touch itāāāput the fucking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but donāt even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shit over and do the same fucking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When youāre done, sling that shit on a plate. Beringerās 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if youāve taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because thatās what you eat with a fucking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you.
