I have been watching this reality tv show called 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After. I despise reality TV but this one sucked me in. I think because it's sort of real. These are the real problems people have in relationships especially if they mix cultures.

When I was watching last night I realized how dramatic it is. I am so emotionally invested in this show and these people that I dont know. The drama is real to me even though its directed and I'm looking at it in a lit-up box (also known as a TV). I'm saying all of this to say I'm addicted to the drama - the family drama, the work drama, the TV drama, the drama associated with my past, the drama associated with just being a human on this crazy earth. I hate it but I'm addicted...

In 2 weeks, I'm leaving my job as an engineer and selling my home in search of a less dramatic life. I'm going forward searching the globe for meditation and mindfulness techniques to help me navigrate this crazy earth with as little drama as possible.

After becoming confident in my decision to leave my 9 to 5 life behind for a life of adventure, i have felt so much lighter.

Today as i picked up a bag of antidepressants and two self help books and realized that im not getting better.

The depression is consistently attacking me whether i'm at work, at a party, or tucked away under my blanket. But i think it's here - the answer to the the very evasive question...why am i depressed?

If i could give a one word answer, it wouldnt be chemical imbalance or some other horse shit that a psychiatrist has told me. It would be trauma. Childhood trauma. Environment. The world. Any of those words. We pretend like the world is this amazing place. Give me a fucking break. Maybe your life was heaven but mine was closer to hell. Every person in my life who was supposed to protect me, abused me or abandoned me. So it totally makes sense that i think the universe is attacking me. I perceive people as a threat, emotions as a threat, food as a threat, family as a threat, all relationships as a threat. Everything in life has become a threat.

As reflect on the passing of my cousin who was only 50 years old, it makes me a little scared. Scared that i'll spend the rest my days longing, searching, crying, and reliving the past.

I want to start accepting everything. Accepting that i have a mental health issue. Accepting that im a black girl from the projects and can't get back all of those years of dysfunction. Accepting that i may always be plus sized. I just want to learn to make the best of everything God has given me.

Maybe i can use my issue health issues to help others that come from underprivaledged backgrounds. Idk...im just thinking out loud. But im tired of feeling like the universe is working against me. I just want to turn things around and go for it every day.

Sunday morning - i wake up to cookie wrapper stuck to my head. See...i have an addiction. Fortunately it not the kind that required a needle or pipe. It just requires a few bucks and a trip to the gas station. So yea...im a food addict.

I woke up this morninng completely disgusted with myself. Disgusted with the idea that i cope with stress and sadness by eating until i want to throw up for days.

But you know what i had to do after staring in the mirror and feeling nothing but disgust? I had to carry on.

Because thats just what has to happen. Carry on with the routine you hate. Carry on interacting with the family that you despise. Carry on packing lunch to eat tomorrow in your poorly decorated cubicle of death.

I was laying in bed today thinking about community and upbringing and its psychological toll. My mom, the person ive spent the most time on earth with, would be called a negative nancy...and that would be the polite way of putting it. She has spent most of her life finding everything wrong with life. I feel a great sense of sympathy for her. It's terrible to have spent 50 years on this big blue marble without enjoying it at least a little.

However, i have reserved a little sympathy for myself because although i am not my mom, her influence has been great. Unlike my mom, i dont fine EVERYTHING wrong with life. I just find ALMOST everything wrong with it lol. There a difference but not much.

Lately i've really been wanting to find everything right with life. We all have limited time on this planet. It just seem like you have to go for it everyday!

I keep thinking that i dont need to go across the world to find contentment. Theoretically, i should be able to do it anywhere....even here.

So im going to try a different appeoach. Prioritize work and family last. And prioritize myself first. Be less responsible and play more. Be less concerned with others and be more selfish. Save my love and emotions for others and give it to myself.

Love myself! Be nice to myself. Spend my time working on me.

The title says it all. I wake up..im emotional, unmotivated, sad, bored, tired, instantly pissed, and super hungry. Fyi - i eat my emotions so im getting pretty fat.

Im so bored with myself right now. Just listening to the endless complaining and constantly wanting to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

The funny thing is that right beneath this layer of misery, there is something else. I desire to play and sing and dance. To love and be wild (just a little). To be free.

Soon my life will totally change and be so unpredictable. I wonder if i will mourn my life of comfortable misery.

There were 3 thing today that started it:

1. Watched the news - and saw another school shooting - of course i got sad and internalized it all

2. Talked to my boss - no matter how well i perform, he pushes me harder. This is what is called 'developing' an employee in the corporate world. Keep pushing the people who try and ignore the peoole that are chilling. Its annoying.

3. My neighbor took my trashcan - im sure it was an accident but who know what idiot will open the door when i go to ask for it back.

Today is my second day back in Charlotte. I woke up this morning and started Googling articles about depression - never a good sign. I worked out, not to much though - being sure not to add any extra stress even if it’s stress on my body. So i did what i was supposed to. I woke up, drank water, worked out, ate something healthy....and the second i stopped for a second the crying began. 

It’s so hard to explain. There is this sinking feeling that never leaves. It keeps saying that i will never be happy. Nothing will ever  be okay. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be happy. It cried hysterically for 30 minutes. No one understands how much it hurts.

Depression is like this being trapped in an elevator for your whole life. Its scary. It goes up and down and you can’t get off. Maybe at some point the mind adapts to the rises and falls. Or maybe you just beat your head against the elevator wall until you’re unconscious. You never know which one  you’ll do. So i guess you just wait and see.

Well...i guess i’m going to cry for another hour and go to walmart. I’m mentally trapped in the elevator but at least my body is free.

Breakfast - dark chocolate, peanut butter

Lunch - frosted flakes :-(

Dinner: Grilled Tilapia, Sauteed shrimp, collards, green smoothie

For 2 weeks, my depression has been soooo much better. I have not cried or been sad once. I’ve even felt hopeful that one day i can win this battle. 

I don’t understand why i can’t i stay there. why do i take on people’s problems like a sponge? So sympathetic and empathetic. Always wanting to help and save the world when my head is like one inch above water - and there are like 2 people on earth that give a fuck if i drown right this second (hint: they aren’t part of my family). This is a very naive and childlike thing to say but I just want to be happy and love my life. Love my friends. Love my family. But i swear this world is not for the caring. It belongs to the capitalist. The liars. The users. The snakes.

I let the people i love the most make me feel like shit all of the time and i still want to love them. That’s so fucking weak. 

Whatever. Tomorrow brings another opportunity to get it right and give happiness a chance.

Breakfast - 1/2 grapefruit, tea

Lunch - collards, green smoothie

Dinner - sauteed shrimp, garlic mashed potatoes, broccoli

Snack - dark chocolate, peanut butter, mixed nuts, green smoothie

Breakfast - 1/2 Grapefruit, Tea, Green Smoothie (apple, mango, pineapple)

Lunch - collard greens, mixed nuts

Dinner - salmon, collards, mashed potatoes

2nd Dinner - 2 bowls of frosted flake (oh no!)

Breakfast - green smoothie (spinach, mangos, pineapples), ½ grapefruit, tea

Lunch - green smoothie, collard green, mixed nuts

Dinner -  green smoothie, grilled talapia, broccoli

Cheats - ate the top off of a slice of argula pizza and a few mashed potatoes with dinner