The Things That We See

Doesn't want to talk about what he wants me to make as extras.

David kills the giant with his rock and sling.

For me I'm getting a loud amd clear message saying "you don't really need a whole bunch of bells and whistles when it comes to facing the giants in your life. Sometimes you just need ONE solid rock to bring the whole thing down."

Listened to a great podcast about exercise and how it benefits your brain more so than the body. Well yesterday I was feeling particularly trapped in a pretty cage that I call my house so I went for a walk around the conplex. Today is day two of walking and I already knocked out my to do list!

Equifax and Experian are hacked or in the process of being hacked.

I'm convinced were being punished. 😂😂😂

Because someone broke into our mail box.

Three steps back four steps forward.

Its hard to admit to, because who has time for depression? Its literally just easier to lay down and just take the feeling and try to fake it till you make it than trying to deal with it. Or to even begin to try to figure out how to come back from it. Especially with a family, because you don't want your kids to see you go through that. But now that the issue is brought to light, I HAVE to deal with it, although I was low-key dealing with it before I have to focus on it, because deciding to lay on the couch rather than look for something really important because looking seems "utterly fucking pointless and id like to just die now but I can't because I have a princess to raise" (and yes that's really an emotion) is a bad decision. So now, I have to find something that motivates me, I can't work, because I quit my new job that I worked at for less than a week (Because of time restrictions) and every other small project I attempt to do I drop almost as quickly as I start! Because I just get fucking bored of the monotomy. Which actually has become less severe since I became a mom, you make peace with the way life goes I guess... But still!

Marriage isn't like it is in the movies,

It's not always rainbows, and trips to sunny beaches lined with rows of happy families.

At least not always.

Marriage is a constant give and take, a constant apology, the honing of pursuits to the needs of the other. You get lost in marriage sometimes. You forget who you were before you have kids because its not about you anymore at that point. you forget how to thank your spouse for all the things they do. And sometimes focus on all the shit they forget. Its always the shit you want and expect them to do, but can't express it in words because you're tired of fucking asking. Its sometimes filled with the lack of an expectation, sometimes you won't get the apology you think you deserve. But sometimes you don't apologize for the things you do either.

Marriage is hard. Because no one is perfect, you can never expect someone to be perfect. It just doesn't happen. Eventually they will slip and the weight of that "perfect" expectation you have placed on their back will slip foreward and crush their head against the concrete.

Being married means praying A LOT, because you can't change your spouse, your spouse has to want the change for themselves. And sometimes its hard to feel self worth in the dark times of that waiting period between knowing there's something wrong and then waiting for a change to come around.

Sometimes you feel like you're being literally walked all over. But have faith in the fact that God is big and you're problems are on his list. He's getting there, in due time. Patience. Look for Him in the waiting. Thank him every day even though it might be hard, even though you might want to throw in the towel. This is what separates you from the rest of the world.

Marriage is hard, but I see God in my marriage, Hes here, he's got my back. I find my self worth in HIM not in my husband, or my child. Because he's the only thing that is truely constant in the world. And I love Him as much as He loves me!