The bright glow of our timer blurring the cream carpet in a crimson haze, air filled with the scents of sweat and cheap candies. I felt the familiar burn in the crooks of my eyelids, it had to have been past noon. All we ever seemed to do was run, Dan and I. The live shows and concerts, remembering lines for shows and developing games, Starbomb and NSP, all of it. I love everything about what we do, and I know Dan enjoys the consistency of our working patterns, but maybe it was all just getting a bit too stressful for me. It all seemed to chisel away at my patience, like the anxiety boiled within my own skin. But one thing always simmered me down, and that was the thought of Wednesday. The hours where i'm basked in darkness with nothing but my best friend and, if I was lucky, a SNES game flickering on the television screen.
“I don't know I think I just enjoy the feel of it more, ya know?” I mumbled excitedly, accompanied by Dan’s giggling. “Like the big buttons, the bright colors, it was just so simple back then.”
“Indeed it was” He grumbled mid-yawn, feeling his weight sink deeper into the couch. I hunched a bit with my feet planted on the ground, biting and scraping my tongue against my teeth in concentration.
“uuuUUGH” I felt anger seep through my teeth as the 8 bit music plays away my death comically, feeling the body beside me rumble in laughter. “IT'S NOT EVEN FAIR DUDE!” I wailed in typical fashion, the remote dropping from my turgid fingers. Another stream of laughter pours from Dan as I slump back into the couch with a long, histrionic sigh.
“Next time on Game Grumps! We actually do something… Arin” He looks at me with a sly smile and the same shadowed, sleepy eyes. I found myself lost in their warmth before taking in his comment and responding in the same playful, sarcastic tone.
“Oh don't give me you sass, Daniel” I retort as we both chuckle away, saying our usual goodbyes and flicking off the recorder.
“Holy shit dude it's already one” Dan mumbles as his face ignites in the bright light of his phone, causing his droopy eyes to pinch together in a way that makes me chuckle lazily.
“Yea and we gotta recording sesh for Starbomb tomorrow as well, don't we?” I murmur, relieving my burning eyes by fluttering them closed.
“Ugh, we do” Dan grumbles, stretching his limbs in all directions. “I don't know if I can drive home” My arms limp at my sides and head quirked towards the ceiling, I felt stuck in a trace of exhaustion and alertness, marveling at how quickly today passed and how everything felt so slow now. My senses tingle, tongue dense and sticky with energy drinks and sodas, head buzzing with stressful thoughts, and yet something that could pierce even the life draining from my lips. Something so faint and distant, yet so close and overwhelming that it made my cheeks burn, was the scent of Dan as he scooched closer to me. “Arin, are you feeling alright? I know you drank and ate a bunch of things that you weren't supposed to today” I couldn't find it in my heart to lie to him, nor did I have the strength to speak. I was always stuck in this limbo, not to close but not to far. Scolding myself whenever I dared to cross any line, because no matter what we were in this together, and none of my unwillingness to control or deal with the problem that has been stapled in my head could change it. It had to stay this way, it was the only way for me, for us to be happy. Then why, why did it hurt so much?
“Arin?” He cooed once more with a hint of fear, causing my breath to hitch.
“Dan, Danny I'm sorry, I-” saying and moving all too quickly, causing his eyes to widen with surprise. After a long, melancholic sigh, I mumbled “Tired… just so, so tired” with shame sticking in my throat. He blinked, eyes searching me as if he was looking for something.
“You never call me Danny, something's gotta be up” his tone is soft, too soft for its context. After a long and painful silence, I murmur something without thinking.
Dan chuckles over my shaky breath.
“Well hey man, I have no problem with that. Maybe we’ll finally watch something from our list of movies” He says with an infectious smile, the ‘everything will be okay’ smile that he wears so well. I flinch and quickly stand while doing so, refusing to let him see the mixture of nervousness and glee within my eyes.
“Sure, let's pick something out”
We settled with Lord of The Rings, Dan, as he promised, nearly tearing up at the beginning of the movie. We had a way of talking over movies and shows while they played, creating an environment that was warm and inviting. And me, no matter how drowsy I was, never fell out of that flow. It felt almost second nature to talk with Dan, feeling empty and lonely if we haven't talked in awhile, no matter how many of our friends were around. It was that kind of companionship that everyone could sense off of us, an unbreaking bond even after such a short period of time. It was special, it was one of a kind, and it was something I couldn't ruin.
“Hey Dan?” I mumbled after a long while, wanting to ask about why Hobbits were so damn hairy on their feet. But as I heard no response, I turn to see him slouched over the end of the couch in a position that screamed pain down my neck and back just looking at him. I chuckled and arose to my feet, approaching his slumped form. His hair was scattered in all directions, a strand caught on his lower lip and matted there. Bending down to kneel in front of him, I instinctively wiped the strand from his lip, but froze and silently scolded myself after doing so. I coil my arms around the back of his knees and across his backside, heaving him off of the couch. A light breath puffs from his mouth as he wraps his arms around my neck sloppily, head taking shelter against my shoulder blade. My heartbeat was rapid, the smell of sugar and his shampoo blanketing me.
Why do I torture myself like this?
I nuzzle my chin against his mess of curls and gingerly carry him out of the recording room, the air chilly and thin. Most of the lights were off except for the cerulean aura by the Portal bathroom and the overhead bar lights, my room casting a shadow of ruby pink. The door creaks softly as I enter my office, monitor still flicked on and my sofa piled high with pillows. I kneel carefully and plop him down, unfolding a fringed mulberry blanket and covering his curled up body with it. Turning away to avoid staring at the mauve bags under his eyes, I grab my own pile of pillows and push the computer chair near the door, resting myself on the chilled floor. It was better than sleeping on the couch, the cushions often sagged and sucked me into it. But maybe I didn't want to be alone, or, more shamefully, maybe I wanted Dan’s company.
“I think it's uhh… this way!” A voice shouted excitedly from somewhere. It sounded like it was smothered by a veil of cotton, distant and muffled. I immediately opened my eyes once more as the immense cold bit at my cheeks and fingertips, eyes searching an abandoned city with ash scarred buildings and shattered windows.
“Follow me, dude. I can see it from here” Dan cooed to me, tone thick with giddiness as my right hand suffused with warmth. I look behind me to see him wrapped in a blue scarf and a football beanie, dragging me through the snow as tumultuous clouds drifted above. It was a ghost town, and i was more worried about the lack of movement then Dan slipping his boney hand into mine.
“Dan?” I ask with anxiety acutely in my tone. Daytime, the sun nowhere in the sky but shining so brightly off of the white snow.
“There! The little red motel!” He says, speeding up and making me stumble after him. All of the windows were black and the paint was chipped, clashing against the blank brown and grey buildings that stretched to the horizon. Something was wrong.
“Dan! Please s-” The curb halted my movement, causing me to collapse into the snow. My face burned, the sound of Dan’s laughter ringing in the air like the chiming of silver bells. But as my body grew numb and the soft snow started to warm my skin, his laughter grew distorted and sonorous, like he was crying. It was deep and full, shattered by shaky breathing. Dilatory, I jolt upright in a panicked frenzy only to find my skin bare and wrapped in warm blankets, a weight on my chest.
“Hey there sleepyhead” He murmurs into my ear, dangerously close. His hair tickles my cheek, lips on the nip of my neck. He was on me, and the ceiling was coated in a thin layer of ash.
“Dan, what's going on?” I croak, raspy and loud compared to the stillness, clutching him close to me.
“Shh… Arin, babygirl, it's okay…” He glides his hands down my waist, making me shudder. He is the only thing I can smell. “I hope you don't mind… you looked like you were having a bad dream” He puckishly licks my neck and I can't help but gasp, squirming at every stroke of his fingertips. I tremulously coil my hand around his cheek and pull him into my eyesight. The purple tinge in his face was gone, now abundant with youth and happiness. His eyes were bright and mischievous, a sly smile as he bites his lower lip.
“Beautiful…” I murmur with a breath, watching him giggle as I lean forward, causing my heart to flutter. The strings bounding my chest releases along with my breath. Soft, wet lips overlap my chapped ones. I felt my heart being poured out into the sheets below us, my hand rubbing circles into his scalp. It's all over so quickly, him pulling away and saddled upon my chest. I was left breathless, but he looked completely unaffected. Was there something wrong with me?
“No… this…” I turn to see a wall completely blackened with tar, there was no door that I could see of, and the room was tiny and packed together.
“There's something… wrong”
His weight dispersed from my chest, but not long after did I feel a tremendous force from within my own flesh. The bed creaked under us as my head was left bounded to look at the wall, leaving a irritable pain in my neck. I couldn't move.
“Dan there's something wrong with my neck” I say in what I think to be a shriek or at least a voice of some volume, but all that came out of my mouth was a susurrated whimper of jumbled syllables.
My lungs seemed filled with water, any attempt at moving led to no result. I was stuck staring at the wall of oil, and not longer after did I catch Dan’s shadow in the corner of my eye holding something white. He swished the walls with it, leaving the surface dulled. A sweet hum filled the room, something that seemed a little familiar, but hit me like a boulder when I realised what he was singing.
How I wish… How I wish you were here…
His movements suddenly became spastic, causing me to panic as he wipes the surface of the wall quickly and unnaturally, like time was speeding past me.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl... year after year...
I wanted to wail his name, yet my lips remained sealed. My fixated eyes watched him rub the sordid walls until they glossed over like panes.
Running over the same old ground
Skin dried and everything inside me burning, I watch the sunset from the walls, a city beyond igniting in a flurry of lights until time stilled once more.
Dan shimmied to the center of my eyesight, pale and coated in sweat, pressing a hand to the glass. My blood ran cold as I felt the air around me shift. The skyscrapers soared beyond his silhouette, wind battering against the glass until it collapsed. The brisk air hit me like a tidal wave, his feet still suspended on the edge. I screamed and cried, pleaded for the nightmare to end, but nothing escaped my lungs.
Danny turned and looked at me. His eyes were glossy, like he was already gone. He grinned, giggling as the sweet sound filled the room, collapsing into the air as his body flew out of the room. Just with a swish, he was gone.
I gasped, choking on my own spit. My body doesn't fling upright, but paralyzed with my head crooked to the side. I briskly looked upright to see the familiar padding of my ceiling, but for a moment I don't hear Dan’s breathing. Snapping my head up, his face appears just a few feet from mine, head resting on his arm and curled up, soft breathing bobbing his stomach up and down.
“Je...sus…” I whimper, feeling tears well and stream down my cheeks, wiping my drenched forehead and collapsing within my curled up form. My heart panged in pain, trying to breathe calmly but instead succumbing to muffled coughing and gagging. Tears seeped into the pillows below me, flowing like an open valve.
“Arin?” I heard Dan’s soft voice murmur to me, thick with confusion. I turn to face him, instantly stumbling to the floor beside me, clutching my shoulders.
“Arin!? Arin are you okay?!” My breath is gone as I look at the amount of fear in his eyes.
“I don't think so” I gasp, wrapping my arms around him, clinging and basking in his warmth.
“Its okay, its okay just… im here, Arin, i'm here…” His voice drops, low and filled with something I couldn't quite read. It was almost like he understood. I notice how tightly im clawing my fingers into Dan’s back and I quickly gasp and sputter my neck upright, smoothing my hands and rubbing my palms against his shirt.
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-”
“Shh, Arin, its okay. I need you to calm down, okay?”
I gulp, feeling his heartbeat hammer in sync with mine. Gradually, we both calmed ourselves, breathing in rhythm and letting our fingers graze skin and hair in little circles. His breath was cold, not hot and encompassing like in the nightmare, chilled and brief in its presence. He was here, in my arms. When I started to calm, I realised what I was doing.
“I shouldn't be doing this, Dan…”
“What do you mean?” He almost chuckled, voice muffled in my shoulder.
“This is selfish. I shouldn't be… Im not-” I reel back, Dan releasing me and looking at me with those doe eyes, quirked in amused concern.
“Arin… your not being selfish. Im worried about you”
“No, I don't have time for people to be worried about me Dan. We both have a busy day tomorrow, too much to do and-”
“Arin” He chuckled, gently taking ahold of my hands and coiling his around my palms, rubbing both thumbs against my knuckles firmly. “Do you remember that one rainy day where I came to you, stressed out and panicking?”
I blink and take a breath, nodding slowly and lowering my head, meeting Dan’s sweaty forehead in the middle.
“You took me into your room, shut off all the lights, and hooked up that weird light that made stars dance all over the ceiling”
A loose tear splashes against my hand, Dan quick to wipe it away and let his grip rest there.
“You sat down and we talked. Talked for hours about everything and nothing, your hand around me and my head on your shoulder. You just… listened. And you were there when nobody else was, you were always there” There's a moment of silence between us, my grip tightening around his hands. I lift my head to see his reddened cheeks streaked with little tears, eyes dark and intense. It was a look that seemed familiar, a look that pierced me and sent shivers down my spine. His eyes loosened and liquefied me, the words pouring from my lips before I could stop them.
“I love you” I whisper, unable to cover my mouth due to my palms being interlaced with his fingers. There's the pain in my chest, sharp, overwhelming me in a dense haze.
“No… I…” I part from his gaze, his dark and full eyes, my body buckling underneath.
“Im sorry…” whimpering, I feel his hands loose from mine. It's over, it’s all over.
“I'm so sorry, Dan. Don't leave…” I flinch at his gentle grip around my cheeks.
“Don't leave me...” pleading weakly, unable to hold my head. I look at my friend, my partner. The hot pink lighting coils around his cheeks, hair loose and wild, eyes dark and filled with something I can't read. But he’s... smiling... A wide, beautiful smile that creases his red cheeks and sends tears pouring down them. My head falters in confusion, hands finding their place wrapped around his wrists.
“I'm not leaving you, Arin. I love you too”
I blink, stilled. Eyes wide, pain frozen over within my chest as the world around me sighs.
“You…” I stammer, but he just exhales a broken laugh suffused with a sob and adrifts close. It didn't feel dangerous, it didn't feel like a flame threatening to set my world ablaze. My hands tighten around his wrist as he swoops closer, Id be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I was terrified. But he was what I needed, my solution.
I flutter my eyes closed just before our lips meet and I can feel it.
Of us, what we are, what we will be. And yet underneath the uncertainty, it's there.
I press harder against him. I can feel it; everything we’ve hid from one another. Everything we bottle up. Everything we tried to destroy. Our doubts, our pain, what we wanted. It's all right here.
With a sigh, we split apart, nose to nose.
“Arin…” He croaks, a smile still splitting his cheeks.
His eyes are full of love.
“Yes, Dan?” I sigh in return, the pain released from my chest but something still heavy within it.
