I cried in clinicals today
Not because I was having a bad day & not because it was âhard.â I didnât bawl like a baby I just had to take a deep breath and let a few tears out
Because as a student (a first semester student!!) I had to advocate so damn hard for a patient who apparently, all the staff who are supposed to be mentoring me, have forgotten is a human being.
41 y/o f GSW to the head in 2005, TBI as a result, pretty major cognitive impairment. Came in through our ED when she because aggressive/violent towards her roommate at her group home. Placed on neuro floor because group home refuses to take her back & no beds in psych. Basically no one knows why she lashed out.
Her speech is almost incomprehensible. Unless you PAUSE AND LISTEN.
Sheâs impulsive unless you PAUSE, LISTEN & give her CHOICES.
I saw her nurse yell, berate, and intimidate her to the point of tears today. (A male nurse who stood over her shouting as she sat on the commode)
I saw a cna yank her arm and not listen when she asked for a procedure to stop.
I saw healthcare providers all day who minimized her, treated her as invisible, pretended she wasnât there, didnât matter, and was a burden, while making jokes and rude comments at her expense.
I also saw her smile, laugh, engage me, talk to me about her life, allow me to do a full neuro assessment on her, she got up and went around the unit with me smiling from ear to ear.
When I left today she bawled. She said please donât leave me with them, donât leave me with them and I heard her nurse say âsheâs getting agitated Iâm getting Ativanâ
I was disgusted and sad. I spoke up loudly for her all day. I tried to make her feel important. Sheâs so much more aware than they realize. I engaged her as a person. Perhaps if âtheyâ paused for just one moment to address the anxiety the Ativan wouldnât be needed.
Sheâs only 10 years older than me. Sheâs been bounced around 10 group homes in 10 years since the GSW. Sheâs not a ward and doesnât have a guardian, sheâs trying to navigate this earth without an advocate, in a society where she is invisible.
I got told today by my instructor that I have a calling for working with the people no one else wants. She says I need to work with castoffs of society. That I have a gift for seeing patients as whole beings not one dimensional diagnoses.
I needed to hear those things from an instructor I respect so much. I do love the weirdos, the rejects, the âannoyingâ patients, the voiceless, the burdens. Those are my people.
I hope I can continue to grow and become the strong nurse those people need. Keep your cute old men and sweet old ladies. Give me the underbelly.