since being back, i have cleaned a lot. so many cobwebs, so much dust as if a sandstorm followed me home. i took a weekend get away to Kill Devil Hills in North Carolina a couple weeks ago. it felt so freeing to be at the beach so i can hear the water again. i could lay on a hammock all night & listen to the ocean. i could walk again across that beach & just sit onto the sand. the silence is so relaxing when the noise is so loud. there i remind myself i am only human. i am scared of things & i messed up a lot. too late to fix a lot but i only ask to be forgiven. that moment of clarity i haven’t had in such a long time i almost forgot what it was. i forgot what little things brought me joy. i stayed buried in my mind so much i forgot what serenity felt like. if only you saw me now. the debt is gone. it’s like the weight of life is off my chest & finally i can actually plan & think without being chained down to rock bottom. so what will be purpose? there are days i feel weird as i constantly find a reason to fight. i can’t feel the pain anymore, so why does this feel off? i do feel like in order for me to feel something, i need it to go wrong to understand it. to feel it again. i’m in this weird neutral state of mind. maybe it will pass over time. memories pop up & little reminders do come about, but i have to remind myself, it’s not coming back again. so many words, no full sentences. it would just be me rambling empty senseless words as such. funny part is, this is what it felt like the entire time with all of them. i wish it was easier to portray the idea of my thoughts in paintings. shades of yellow, green & grey, lines of black, flickers of reds, splatters of white. so many words typed up just to be deleted before hitting send. how many times have we done that? i just stare at an empty text box. swipe right, then swipe up. the drive at night becomes longer. leave it by the ocean. i let the current take my letters to send the messages. they drown, if they drown. unspoken truths have followed me for ages, but one day they will make landfall. marriage, children, depression, happiness, joy, fear, love. one day i will pack in all in a bottle big enough to watch it float. i wanted it all. i deserve it all. i deserved it all. all things take time they usually say & the ocean isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. so i will keep having conversations with the ocean. there is no judgement there, just reasoning & belief. no more crashing, no rip currents. there’s no words to describe on how it felt hugged by the water after so long. i missed that feeling.
prguitarman
amandla
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
snowghoul
discoholicmusic
