I get high with a little help from my friends.

girls im going to keep it real with u im getting worried about my spotify wrapped already

Love saying “what are you, a cop?” to any question anyone asks me regardless of how personal or impersonal it is.

*is self conscious of the speed of my windshield wipers*

being 25 is like: im dying. im living my best life. im a failure. my life hasnt started. everything interesting has already happened to me. im achieving my dreams. im cutting my hair with kitchen scissors. im starting a skincare routine. im a corporate professional. im a sellout. im out of groceries. i have too many groceries. i am never going to be successful. i am going to win a hugo award before im 30. im crazy. im boring. i need to finish this essay. i need to finish this story. i need to start a newsletter. i need to start tweeting more. i need to stop tweeting. i need to ghost all my friends. i need to tell my friends i love them. i need to find a new apartment. i need to take out the trash. i am the trash that needs to be taken out. 

how does wine DO what it DOES. I feel sexy. I feel relaxed. I wanna take off my pants and kiss.

its the Grape

It's Dionysus

Stardew Valley is wild cause it’s this fun wholesome little game where you raise animals and grow crops and get married but it also has monsters and dwarves and the mayor and rancher lady are secretly fucking and it’s heavily implied the shop owner’s daughter is actually an illegitimate child his wife had with the local wizard and there’s a note from your grandpa saying he’s gonna return from the grave and visit you on the dawn of your third year in the valley

Don’t forget that the country you’re in is being invaded by a much larger nation, one of your fellow townspeople has PTSD from being tortured in a POW camp and it’s causing him to lash out at his wife, one of the marriage candidates lives in an abusive household, another one is suicidally depressed, the mayor is using taxpayers’ money to build solid gold statues of himself while the infrastructure crumbles but everybody’s so disenfranchised with politics that nobody ever stands against him for election and, oh yes, the main plot of the game is that a supermarket is trying to destroy the town so that they can stripmine the local area.

Also you can be gay

Imagine going to a party and the white suburban stay at home mom with two overachiever kids and white dad who barbeques but doesn’t know how to barbeque and yet is always surrounded by other white Dads who compliment his barbqeuing even though they’re just store bought preshaped frozen patties from Ralph’s or Food 4 Less and while he’s cooking those the white mom comes out and says “okay kids, here’s some pizza!” And she pulls this out and starts telling the kids why its a “fun pizza” and then cries in her master bedroom when no one likes it or finishes it and the white dad is then consoling her why she sobs that she’s a terrible mother and ruined her fourth grade straight B+ sons birthday and thinks her kids hate her but they don’t care but she continues crying softly into her pillow while the children eat poorly cooked burgers with unmelted kraft singles and too much mayonnaise and the only other condiments are two pickles and pepper because the dad calls it his special burger with a secret spice but the spice was just pepper and the kids just keep playing E rated games on their Nintendo Wii while the 17 year old older sister starts cleaning the tragedy up and throwing away uneaten “fun pizza” and whole burgers dejected from the start while she dials Pizza Hut to get these kids an actual birthday lunch and the mother then throws a fit because the daughter did something the kids liked and she didn’t and was the only one making a huge deal out of it and the daughter was then grounded from her TV in her room for only two days and the son went to blow out the candles in his standard birthday cake from food 4 less the mom added strawberries to so she could feel she did something but was still slightly teary and sad because her day was ruined by no one wanting to eat her “fun pizza”

IT’S FAT COOCHIE FRIDAY™️