So many pages are leaving and it's genuinely heartbreaking. I seriously start yearning for them to come back and it—IT HURTS YOU GUYS IT HURTS ☹️☹️ but anyway, it isn't like I can blame anyone for it tho. It's totally alright for them to lose interest in dhurandhar after it's been like 6 months and we are not even gonna get any more official content about it.
But like @y0uneversawmehere said, we have like plenty of movies with equally hot characters that we can write about!
Then again, I do understand the appeal for dhurandhar characters more than any other character in bollywood because each character had amazing depth and were incredibly intriguing. Even the most minor of characters sparked curiousity and resulted in many writing their own interpretations about them.
It is going to be incredibly hard for bollywood to make another movie like dhurandhar but I'm sure that when they do, all these beautiful writers will emerge once again along with many other.
I have nothing against anyone who has made their exit from the fandom. It would be unfair for them to force themselves to write about characters they're not into anymore.
I'm making this post to mark my attendance as someone who will still be here for quite some time !!! Yayayayyayayayyyy (though I will post inconsistently. Very, very , inconsistently.)
Main reason for me to make this post is so the writers/readers who are going to still be reading and writing them fics can reblog it and mark their own attendance.
All the beautiful writers who have left, i wish you guys all the best for whatever is next in your life and I hope you had the best time here. If you ever decide to come back, will welcome you with open arms 🤍 thank you for making this a safe space.
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A/N: Hello my lovely readers! I hope you are having a great day, so..I am back with another fic, this one is from an ask. Specifically, SB ji's ask. I know, I know, the next one was supposed to be another installment of the Ulfat series, but this has been pinging around in my head like those tiny rubber balls, so I had to. The Ulfat one will come somewhere along the week, idk when, and well, Imma update The Second Chance, because it looks like a lot of my new readers are discovering it and are hyped af for it, also, the misacarriage drabble is coming carmen ji, thoda time chahiye kyunki woh full on emotional hai and needs sensitivity so that it doesn't turn into angst-p*rn. Also, I am coming to realise, that this semi hiatus thing might become my normal, cus things are picking up speed, and idk if I will ever go back to a 'posting schedule' of sorts. IKK, I am one of the few handful authors posting for this tag, but please bear with me guys, your girl is fighting this capitalist economy and its shit job market.
Anyway, aapko tag toh nahi kar sakti, SB ji, I hope fate and your fyp bring this to you! (Its time-travel, I don't have any idea what I am doing and this was supposed to be an under 3k drabble)
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Yalina boarded the train carrying the peculiar exhaustion that had become a permanent companion since motherhood arrived in her life, an exhaustion that settled deep beneath her skin and lingered stubbornly within her bones while somehow existing alongside a constant current of joy that never seemed to diminish no matter how little sleep she managed to get. She slipped into a seat beside the window, adjusted the dupatta threatening to slide from her shoulder, tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, and immediately reached for her phone because there were very few things in the world capable of capturing her attention more effectively than photographs of her son. The destination printed on her ticket barely occupied a corner of her thoughts because she had spent the entire day away from Zayan and already missed him with a ridiculous intensity that she would have mocked mercilessly in anyone else before becoming a mother herself.
A smile appeared before she consciously realised she was smiling as the gallery opened to a photograph taken only two nights earlier, showing Zayan sitting in the middle of their bed with his tiny arms folded dramatically across his chest while wearing an expression of such deep offense that it looked rather grown up on his little face. Hamza appeared in the corner of the frame looking exhausted and bewildered, seemingly attempting to negotiate with a toddler who had clearly decided that compromise was beneath him, and the memory of the entire situation made her snort softly beneath her breath.
"Drama kings," she muttered affectionately while shaking her head at the screen.
The train lurched into motion with a metallic groan that vibrated through the carriage, and only then did she become aware of the elderly man seated directly across from her. At first glance he appeared simply old, but the longer she looked the more she realised that age alone was not what drew her attention toward him. There was still strength lingering in the broad structure of his shoulders and something dignified in the way he sat upright despite the walking stick resting between his knees, yet time had carved deep lines into his face and hollowed him in ways that had nothing to do with physical decline. His beard was entirely white, his hands remained motionless upon the handle of his cane, and his gaze stayed fixed beyond the train window with such unwavering stillness that he seemed detached from everything happening around him.
What struck her most, however, was the sadness resting upon him with the familiarity of an old companion. Yalina found herself watching him longer than politeness probably allowed because there was something painfully lonely about the sight of him sitting there surrounded by people yet somehow appearing entirely alone.
The man did not acknowledge her attention, though she could not tell whether he genuinely failed to notice or simply lacked the energy to care. His eyes remained fixed outside while the scenery blurred past, and something about that distant expression tightened unexpectedly inside her chest. She had always possessed an unfortunate weakness for lonely elderly people, a weakness that frequently resulted in conversations with strangers and occasional lectures from Hamza about talking to everyone she met.
"Uncle?" she called gently after several moments.
The old man blinked as though surfacing from somewhere very far away, then slowly turned his head toward her. The instant his eyes landed upon her face something changed in his expression, and for several seconds he simply stared without speaking. It was not an uncomfortable stare nor a rude one, yet there was something strangely intense about it, as though he had encountered something entirely unexpected and needed a moment to understand what he was seeing.
Yalina offered an awkward smile and shifted slightly in her seat.
"Ji... uncle?"
The old man seemed to return abruptly to the present.
"Haan beta."
His voice emerged rough and worn, carrying the unmistakable texture of someone who spent long stretches of time without speaking.
"You looked uncomfortable," she said while holding out her water bottle. "Would you like some water?"
His gaze dropped to the bottle before returning to her face, and for a brief moment an unreadable emotion crossed his features so quickly that she could not identify it.
"Thank you."
His fingers trembled faintly as he accepted the bottle, and Yalina immediately felt vindicated in her assessment of the situation. The poor man looked exactly like someone who had not enjoyed a proper conversation in far too long, and she felt a surge of sympathy.
For several minutes silence settled comfortably between them while the train continued rattling along its route, but eventually the old man's attention drifted toward the phone resting in her hands. The lockscreen displayed a photograph of Zayan attempting to eat a crayon with complete confidence in his decision, and the corner of the old man's mouth twitched upward.
"Your son?"
That simple question was all the encouragement Yalina required because discussing Zayan ranked among her favourite activities and she rarely needed much invitation.
"Ji, my son," she replied immediately while turning the screen toward him. "His name is Zayan, and this photograph was taken last week. He is rather mischievous. Probably got it from his father, he certainly didn't get it from me! ."
The old man looked at the picture carefully rather than offering the brief polite glance most strangers gave when shown photographs of children. His gaze lingered upon the image while his fingers tightened subtly around the water bottle.
"He looks sweet, and very clever too."
The words emerged quietly, carrying a sincerity that made her smile widen instantly.
"I know. And he is far too clever for his own good. Or my husband's and mine!"
The old man laughed unexpectedly, and the sound seemed to surprise him almost as much as it surprised her. It was a genuine laugh, small but warm, and something about hearing it encouraged her further.
"Oh, wait until you see this one," she said while scrolling enthusiastically through her gallery. "This was three months ago when he discovered puddles and immediately decided that he must try and drink from every single one he sees. Aur majaal ho ki koi usse roke! I am the villain if I try to stop him from getting his way. Do you know why he cried day before yesterday? It was because I wouldn't let him put his finger in a socket! But he is sweet. My husband says he has the personality of a fungus. He grows on you and before you know it, you will lose the ability to say no to him"
The old man's eyes softened noticeably.
"Sounds familiar."
"You have children?"
The question escaped naturally before she considered whether it might be too personal. And honestly, it felt dumb too, someone this old would not just have children, but grandchildren too.
His smile faltered almost imperceptibly.
"Had."
The answer felt strange in a way she could not explain, and she felt that pang of strange devastation return to her chest. She knew that it was not her place to ask of his story, but she did not wish to end a conversation on such a sad note, so she ploughed on, hoping that her motherly babbling will pull the man out of his melancholy for some brief time.
"Will you see more pictures? He is in his teething phase, and honestly, uncle, Allah ki qasam, he nearly drives me insane. He bites absolutely everything within reach, including furniture, blankets, my hands, and his father too. And he cries ceaselessly, and with how difficult it is to calm him, I cry with him too, and so does Hamza, my husband."
The old man's eyes crinkled with amusement.
"Clove oil."
"Hain?"
"A little clove oil on the gums helps considerably."
The certainty with which he offered the advice made her blink before immediately opening her notes application.
"Why did nobody tell me this before?"
The old man chuckled softly, and this time the sound lingered longer.
"He'll grow out of it eventually."
"And isn't that the bittersweet constant of motherhood, every phase is a menace until they grow out of it. Did I tell you about how he peed on my mother the first time she held him? That was the day I knew I would be proud of my son no matter what he did— "
She continued scrolling through photographs while speaking almost continuously because restraint had never been one of her strengths whenever the topic involved her child. Every image carried a story attached to it, and every story seemed worth sharing.
"Abhi chalna seekha hai," she said while opening a video.
The screen filled with footage of Zayan wobbling determinedly across the living room in pursuit of Hamza.
"He follows his father everywhere," she explained fondly while watching the video herself. "If Hamza stands up then Zayan stands up immediately, and if Hamza leaves the room then he starts crying as though all hell has broken lose. Sometimes I genuinely wonder whether I am necessary at all."
The old man's attention fixed completely upon the screen. His expression changed subtly, and she noticed a suspicious brightness gathering within his eyes.
"Uncle?"
He blinked rapidly and cleared his throat.
"No, no. Continue."
So she did, because she assumed perhaps the video had simply reminded him of his own children.
"This one is my favourite."
She opened another photograph showing Zayan asleep across Hamza's chest while both father and son drooled with equal enthusiasm.
The old man's lips parted slightly before closing again.
For a brief moment he looked overwhelmed by something she could not identify.
"His father loves him very much."
The words sounded less like observation and more like a statement, but she understood his implication, for all her father's love, her father had been a rather uninvolved parent, watching Hamza hover over their son every moment he could had changed her perspective on fatherhood. Perhaps he came from the age where fatherhood had merely demanded money and a roof over the head.
"Of course he does," she replied with a proud smile. "Hamza spoils him completely."
The old man lowered his gaze, and something about his expression made her chest ache unexpectedly. It looked as though she had unknowingly brushed against an old wound hidden beneath years of silence. Yet whenever she continued speaking he listened with such focused attention that stopping felt impossible.
"He talks nonstop now."
"Oh?"
"Well, talks might be an exaggeration because most of it remains incomprehensible." She rolled her eyes dramatically. "He knows maybe ten actual words."
The old man smiled. "That's a start. Before you know it, these kids will be talking your ear off"
"Do you know his favourite word?"
The smile deepened slightly. "What?"
Yalina pointed accusingly toward a photograph.
"No."
The old man blinked before laughing loudly enough to startle both of them.
"Exactly," she said triumphantly. "Everything is no. Eat your food? No. Take a bath? No. Stop putting dirt into your mouth? No."
The old man laughed harder, and genuine tears appeared in his eyes.
For reasons she could not explain, the sight unsettled her slightly because the laughter seemed entirely real yet the tears seemed real as well. It was only then that she became aware of the unusual intensity with which he listened whenever she spoke about Zayan. He was not watching her so much as absorbing every story she told, treating each insignificant anecdote with a seriousness that made them feel strangely important. It was almost as though he were trying to memorise every detail she offered, storing away each description and each memory with desperate care.
The train continued its journey while station announcements echoed intermittently through the carriage and passengers gradually began collecting bags in preparation for upcoming stops. Neither of them paid much attention because Yalina had already reached photograph number eighty-seven and the old man had listened patiently to every single story attached to every single image.
Eventually the train slowed, and she glanced outside only to realise her station had arrived.
"Oh."
Reluctantly she began gathering her belongings while feeling oddly disappointed that the conversation was ending. Rarely did she find such attentive listeners to her cuteness aggression towards her own child. Her father's eyes would become glassy with faraway looks of 'no longer listening' and her mother would cut in about it being nothing special. Her friends had encouraging expressions but would whip out their own phones with their kids too, and she had to be polite and look at them while internally feeling like a judgmental aunty because she did not find any of them as cute as her Zayan. It was usually just Hamza humoring her. So the old man had felt strangely like a friend, during the course of the conversation
The old man nodded slowly. Almost sadly.
"It was nice meeting you, uncle."
"It was nice meeting you too."
She smiled before hesitating briefly.
"Your children must be very lucky."
The old man looked at her for a long moment, and the noise of the station seemed strangely distant during the silence that followed. Then he smiled, and the sadness contained within that smile was so profound that years later she would still remember it without understanding why.
"I hope they think so"
Something tightened unexpectedly inside her chest. Why did his grief feel so personal?
Before she could examine the feeling further the train had stopped completely and passengers were already moving toward the exits. She rose from her seat and stepped onto the platform while the old man followed behind her. For a brief moment they stood side by side amid the crowd, then a porter passed between them followed by a family carrying luggage and several other passengers moving in different directions.
Only a few seconds passed before she turned back intending to wave goodbye.
The old man was gone.
Not walking away through the crowd and not disappearing into the distance. Simply gone.
She remained standing there for several moments while scanning the platform in confusion because she could not understand how someone so noticeable had vanished so quickly. Strange, she thought. Very strange.
Her phone buzzed in her hand with an incoming message from Hamza.
Where are you, jaan? Zayan is throwing a tantrum and refuses to nap. If you love your dear husband's luscious locks, please come home fast, otherwise I will go bald with frustration.
A laugh escaped her immediately. She shook her head. Hamza was a dramatic ass.
The strange old man slipped to the back of her mind as quickly as he had appeared, and she hurried away through the station with a smile already forming at the thought of seeing her family again.
On a different platform, in a different station, an old man stood with tears in his eyes, but a faint smile on his face. For a few stolen hours he had not been mourning what he had lost.
Yalina had boarded the train with every intention of never looking back.
It sounded dramatic when phrased like that, and perhaps if someone had told her a month ago that she would one day sit alone in a train compartment with her son while contemplating leaving her husband, she would have laughed in their face and called them mad. Yet here she was, staring through the dusty window while the city blurred past outside, feeling as though someone had reached into her chest and rearranged everything she thought she knew about her life.
Her husband was a liar, and the thought returned with exhausting persistence no matter how fiercely she tried to push it away. She would focus on the passing buildings, on the vendors moving through the train, on Zayan's endless questions, and somehow her mind always circled back to the same terrible truth.
The worst part was not even the lie itself. The worst part was that despite everything she had learned, despite the anger burning inside her, a stubborn part of her still loved him.
That realization disgusted her almost as much as it hurt.
If she hated Hamza completely, then leaving would have been simple. She could have packed her bags, taken her son, and walked away carrying nothing except righteous anger. Instead she carried memories that refused to die, and every memory seemed determined to argue against her decision.
She remembered rainy evenings spent entangled in each other's arms. She remembered laughing so hard at one of his terrible jokes that she had snorted her badam doodh out of her nose. She remembered waking up in the middle of the night and finding him asleep with one arm wrapped protectively around Zayan after the child had crawled into their bed.
Those memories felt real. They were real. That was what made everything so unbearable.
Hatred would have given her certainty, but love poisoned by betrayal left her trapped between two versions of the same man. One version was the husband she knew, the father who adored their son and remembered exactly how she liked her tea. The other version was an Indian spy who had hidden his identity from her for years.
Both versions existed simultaneously, and she no longer knew which one was the truth.
Hamza was a liar. Hamza was not even truly Hamza.
Hamza was a spy.
Even now the words felt absurd inside her head. Whenever she repeated them silently, she expected reality to correct itself somehow. Instead the truth remained stubbornly unchanged, forcing her to question every chapter of their life together.
Every memory now carried an uncomfortable shadow. Every smile seemed suspicious. Every promise demanded reexamination. Every "jaan" carried uncertainty. Every "trust me" echoed with painful irony.
She lowered her gaze toward Zayan and felt her chest tighten again. Her son was not asleep as she had initially hoped he would be. He had spent the fifteen minutes they had spent waiting for the train alternating between asking questions about everything he saw and inventing elaborate stories about strangers on the platform.
At that moment he was kneeling on the seat beside her, his chin resting against the window frame while he watched the passing scenery with endless fascination.
How was she supposed to explain any of this to him when she barely understood it herself? How could she look into those trusting eyes and tell him that the father he adored had hidden an entire identity from them?
The questions twisted inside her stomach until she felt physically sick.
She pressed her lips together and forced herself to breathe slowly because panic would solve nothing. Right now she needed enough strength simply to survive the next hour without falling apart in front of her son.
The rhythmic clatter of the train wheels at the platform of the stationary train filled the compartment while passengers drifted in and out of conversations around her. For several minutes she sat silently, trapped between thinking too much and trying desperately not to think at all.
She failed at both.
Eventually she became aware that someone was speaking to Zayan, and what caught her attention was not the stranger's voice but the fact that her son was already deeply engaged in conversation. Zayan had inherited many qualities from her, and unfortunately his willingness to befriend complete strangers within minutes was one of them.
Yalina looked up.
A young man sat across from them, though calling him a man felt slightly inaccurate because he looked barely older than seventeen or eighteen. He was tall for his age, broad-shouldered, and carried himself with the effortless confidence that belonged only to teenagers who still believed the world was a little oyster they could conquer in a fortnight.
His hair was cropped short, almost in the style of the military, his expressions animated, and his eyes sparkled while he described some disaster involving a cricket match, a shattered window, and an enraged mathematics teacher.
There was an openness about him that immediately drew attention. He spoke with his hands, laughed easily, and seemed completely unconcerned with how loudly he occupied the space around him.
Zayan listened with complete fascination, his small body leaning forward so far that Yalina worried he might tumble right off the seat if the train jolted unexpectedly. The boy had somehow earned her son's trust within minutes, and watching them together stirred an unexpected ache inside her because it reminded her painfully of Hamza.
Hamza had always encouraged every ridiculous story Zayan invented. He too would come up with neigh improbable stories that held an always restless Zayan captive.
"Phir kya hua?" Zayan demanded eagerly, his eyes shining with the same curiosity that always appeared whenever someone told him a story.
The boy grinned with obvious satisfaction at having such an attentive audience.
"Phir kya hona tha? Mujhe punishment diya gaya."
"Kya punishment?"
"Poore 50 sit-ups karne pade, woh bhi assembly mein, sabke saamne!." Zayan gasped dramatically and clutched the edge of the seat.
"No!"
"Bilkul."
"Aap jhoot bol rahe ho. Koi itna bura kaise ho sakta hai? Sabke saamne sit ups karwaya?"
The boy pressed a hand against his chest as though deeply wounded by the accusation, though the amusement dancing in his eyes ruined the performance completely.
"Dekha? aap ko bhi yeh heavy punishment lagi na? Maine bhi apne papa se shikayat kar di, main bola, main ek fauji ka beta hoon, main kyun aise logon se maafi maangu, mere desh ki fauj ko bhala bura toh uss student ne bola tha!"
Zayan nodded with absolute seriousness, completely moved by the theatrical outrage.
"Aise bacchon ko dus ande khaane ki saza milni chahiye", he replied sagely, like a juror passing a verdict.
The boy laughed, and the sound struck Yalina like a physical blow she had not been prepared for.
Something inside her went completely still, while everything around her seemed to continue moving normally. The train rattled onward, passengers talked among themselves, vendors passed through the aisle, yet she felt trapped inside a single suspended moment.
She stared at him properly for the first time.
Until now she had only paid half attention to him because her mind had been drowning beneath anger, confusion, and exhaustion. Now she noticed details she wished she had never noticed at all.
The shape of his eyes caught her attention first, the colour hidden within them was that impossible blue-green shade she knew better than her own reflection, because she had spent countless evenings watching those eyes soften with affection, narrow with amusement, and occasionally darken with worries he never fully shared.
The curve of the boy's smile, even the way his eyebrows lifted whenever he laughed felt painfully familiar, as though someone had taken a younger version of her husband and placed him casually in front of her.
Her heartbeat stumbled painfully against her ribs as realization slowly settled over her.
Those blue-green eyes were not merely similar to Hamza's eyes, nor were they vaguely familiar in the way strangers sometimes resembled people from one's past. What if?
Then reason returned and she forced herself to breathe slowly, reminding herself that grief, anger, and confusion could make the mind see connections where none existed. Ever since discovering the truth about Hamza, she had begun doubting her own instincts almost as much as she doubted him. That loss of certainty hurt more than she liked admitting, because she had always trusted her ability to understand people. Now she looked back at years of marriage and wondered how many signs she had missed, how many questions she had never thought to ask, and whether love had made her blind or simply willing to believe what made her happy.
Hamza was thirty-two years old, while the teenager sitting across from her could not have been older than seventeen.
Yet the resemblance remained undeniable, and what disturbed her most was the strange certainty growing inside her that this encounter meant something. She hated that feeling because it sounded irrational, and she had always considered herself a practical woman who trusted facts more than intuition. Still, every instinct inside her refused to dismiss what she was seeing, and that stubborn feeling lingered like a hand resting lightly against her shoulder.
A memory surfaced suddenly. She remembered the old Sikh man she had met on the train, the one with the same attentive way of listening. She remembered how patiently he had listened while she talked about Zayan, as though every story mattered and every detail deserved to be treasured. He had blue-green eyes. Just like her husband. Just like this boy. Just like her son.
Her throat went dry as she watched the boy continue talking animatedly with Zayan, completely unaware of the storm gathering inside her mind. He laughed easily and gestured with his hands while telling another ridiculous story, and Yalina felt as though the ground beneath her understanding of reality had shifted slightly out of place.
Before she could stop herself, she spoke because she needed something concrete to hold onto.
"Which station are you going to?"
The question interrupted both of them, and the boy blinked before looking at her with mild surprise, as though only now realizing that Zayan's mother had been sitting there all along.
"Huh?"
"Which station?" she repeated, trying to keep her voice steady.
He frowned briefly, then shrugged with complete casualness.
"Chakkiwara."
Immediately he turned back toward Zayan.
"So phir maine usko bola—"
The rest disappeared into background noise because Yalina's mind had locked onto a single word.
Chakkiwara.
There was no railway station called Chakkiwara, not on this route atleast. This train went to her Nanihal, a place Hamza wouldn't even think to look, and she had travelled on this train every summer since she had been 10. She knew its route like the back of her hand.
A cold sensation travelled slowly down her spine as several disconnected memories suddenly began pressing against one another. The old man, the impossible disappearance, the blue-green eyes, the resemblance, and now this strange answer all seemed to belong to the same puzzle.
One by one the pieces aligned inside her mind until she felt almost dizzy from the effort of trying to make sense of them. Logic told her that none of this proved anything meaningful because coincidences happened every day and strangers often resembled one another. Unfortunately, logic had been losing arguments inside her head ever since she discovered that her husband had been living a double life.
The same slope of the nose. The same sharp cheekbones. The same shape of the jaw beneath youthful fat.
Even the way he smiled carried an infuriating familiarity that made her chest tighten painfully. Looking at him was like looking at a younger version of Hamza before adulthood had hardened the edges of his face and before the beard had hidden so much of it. For one disorienting moment she could almost imagine her husband sitting there seventeen years young, laughing with Zayan.
Her gaze lingered on the boy, and then her thoughts drifted unwillingly toward the old Sikh man she had met on the train.
The came the realisation. The train. The inexplicable feeling of familiarity. The strange comfort she had felt around him despite never having met him before.
The way he had disappeared.
A knot formed in her throat as a frightening possibility took shape inside her mind. What if she had not merely met two strangers who resembled one another. What if she had somehow met two versions of the same man. Looking at the teenager now, she found herself remembering the old man's face with startling clarity, and for the first time she could see the bridge connecting them.
The boy sitting before her. The old man from the train. And between them, her husband.
The thought should have sounded absurd, yet it settled inside her with an unsettling sense of certainty.
She remembered the old man's shoulders. How tired they had seemed. How they had slumped beneath an invisible weight that years had never allowed him to put down. She remembered the loneliness surrounding him like a second skin, the quiet sadness in his eyes whenever he spoke about his children, and the aching tenderness with which he had listened to her talk about Zayan.
Was that the future waiting for Hamza? Would he one day become a man who carried entire lifetimes of grief behind his eyes? Would he spend his old age haunted by memories and sacrifices nobody else could understand? Would he sit alone on trains listening to strangers talk about their families because it reminded him of his own?
The thought hurt far more than she wanted it to.
Because despite everything, despite the lies and the deception and the betrayal that still felt raw enough to bleed, she loved him.
The admission came reluctantly. She loved him.
That love had been wounded, shaken, and buried beneath layers of anger, yet it had not disappeared. She wished it had because life would have been infinitely simpler if she could hate him without reservation. Instead she found herself staring at a boy who looked like her husband and remembering an old man who might become him, and all she felt was sorrow.
For the first time since learning the truth, she tried to imagine things from Hamza's perspective.
Not as the man who had lied to her. Not as the spy.
Simply as Hamza.
How had life brought him here. She had fallen for his carefully crafted stories in the beginning, and she could admit that now without embarrassment. Yet she had never been blind. There had always been moments when something ancient and melancholic surfaced in him without warning. Certain days of the year transformed him into a quieter version of himself, and she would catch him staring into nothing with an expression of longing so profound that it unsettled her.
Whenever she asked, he always smiled and changed the subject. She had never pushed. Partly because she respected boundaries, and partly because she genuinely believed that people deserved the right to leave painful histories buried. She had chosen to love the man standing before her rather than interrogate the ghosts standing behind him.
Now she wondered what those ghosts looked like. How much loss had he already endured before entering her life? How many people had he buried? How many impossible choices had he been forced to make?
Her thoughts drifted to Aalam Chacha.
The memory made her stomach twist.
Hamza had killed him after he had been accused of being an Indian spy. Now she knew enough to understand the horrifying complexity hidden beneath that event. The affection Hamza held for the old juice shop owner had been real. She knew that with absolute certainty. She had seen it in countless small interactions that could not be faked.
How much had that decision hurt him? How much of himself had he sacrificed in that moment? How many other impossible decisions had he already made throughout his life? How many times had duty demanded something from him that his heart desperately wanted to refuse?
How many pieces of his soul had he surrendered one by one until only the man she knew remained?
The questions disturbed her because they transformed him from a villain into something far more simple being.
A human being. A flawed one. But still human.
She felt horrible for sympathising with him.
Part of her wanted to reject every compassionate thought the moment it appeared. He had lied to her face for years. He had manipulated her trust. He had built their marriage upon secrets she never would have accepted had she known the truth from the beginning.
She had every right to be angry. Every right to feel betrayed. Every right to walk away.
Yet none of those truths erased another truth she knew deep inside herself.
Hamza was a good man. Not a perfect man. Not an innocent man.
But a good man.
The certainty of that belief frustrated her more than anything else because it refused to disappear no matter how hard she tried. She had seen too much kindness from him to dismiss it as an act. She had watched him comfort strangers, protect friends, care for neighbours, and love their son with a devotion so genuine that it could never have been fabricated.
The lies were real. The betrayal was real. But so was the love.
And sitting there between the memory of an old man and the sight of a teenage boy who looked uncannily like her husband, Yalina found herself wondering what tragedy had brought him to Rehman Bhai's gang in the first place.
Perhaps the greater tragedy was everything that had happened to him long before he ever met her.
Meanwhile the boy and Zayan had moved on to counting train compartments. The debate made absolutely no sense, yet both participants defended their positions with remarkable conviction and complete seriousness.
Despite everything weighing on her mind, Yalina found herself watching them with reluctant fascination.
The boy listened carefully, encouraged every ridiculous theory, and treated each absurd statement as though it deserved thoughtful consideration. Most adults would have dismissed Zayan's nonsense within seconds, but this boy seemed genuinely entertained by it and genuinely interested in what he had to say.
It was exactly how Hamza spoke to their son. Some of her happiest memories involved watching those two together while pretending not to watch at all. She remembered evenings when she would stand in the kitchen doorway listening to their laughter and feeling quietly grateful for the life they had built together.
The old Sikh man had listened to stories about Zayan with that same attentiveness, as though every detail mattered and every memory was precious. A strange ache spread through her as she watched the boy laugh at something Zayan said.
Different ages, different faces, and different versions of what felt like the same person somehow stood before her memory. Yet she sensed the same constant thread running through all of them, and that thread felt impossible to ignore.
It was simply the deep human capacity to care about another person with complete sincerity. That quality had always been one of the reasons she loved Hamza, and realizing that made her look away for a moment because the admission hurt.
The train began slowing as the next station approached, and Yalina felt a decision forming inside her before she consciously understood it. Without fully realizing why, she stood because something inside her had already chosen a direction. She was just one station away from home. Yes, home. Where Hamza was, probably sitting alone in that palatial monstrosity of a mansion, alone to the ghost sounds of memories. Home.
The decision felt sudden, yet deep inside she knew it had been building ever since she heard that familiar laugh. She was not ready to forgive Hamza, and she was nowhere near ready to trust him again.
She was not prepared to hear explanations or excuses, and part of her still wanted to scream at him until her throat gave out. But she was no longer certain she wanted to run away either.
Not after seeing the old man, not after meeting this boy, and not after feeling as though life itself kept placing fragments of the same mystery before her like it was trying to tell her something.
"Come on, Zayan."
The child blinked in confusion.
"Huh?"
"We're getting off."
"But—"
"Now."
She gathered their belongings while Zayan reluctantly obeyed, shooting disappointed looks toward his new friend. The boy looked surprised for a moment before smiling warmly.
The expression was so much like Hamza's that it hurt in a way she could not adequately describe. It was the kind of smile that had once made her feel safe, and now it only reminded her how complicated love could become. She hated that her heart still reacted to traces of him even when her mind remained furious.
Yalina stepped onto the platform with Zayan following behind her, then immediately turned around because she refused to let the same thing happen twice. This time she would get answers, and this time she would not lose sight of him.
The compartment was full of strangers going about their ordinary lives without concern for the questions consuming her. Families sat together, students checked their phones, vendors moved through the aisle, and office workers stared out windows with tired expressions.
The boy was gone.
Her heart sank heavily as she searched every face, scanning desperately for blue-green eyes or a familiar smile. She found nothing.
The train whistle sounded while passengers brushed past her, and still she stood there trying to understand how someone could disappear so completely. Was it all a trick of her mind? A part of her wondered whether grief and exhaustion were finally affecting her judgment, because the alternative explanation seemed impossible. That her mind had deemed her current reality so bleak, her hopelessly in love heart was so desperate to find normalcy that it was making up scenarios to give Hamza a second chance.
Another part knew exactly what she had seen and refused to dismiss it. That stubborn certainty frightened her almost as much as the mystery itself. She felt caught between two realities, one demanding rational explanations and the other whispering that some experiences could not be measured by logic alone.
Her attention remained fixed on the train.
"AMMI!"
She jumped. "What?"
Zayan pointed proudly at himself with complete confidence.
"I'm going to join the Indian Army." What?
A nearby woman nearly choked, an elderly man stared openly, and several passengers turned around at once.
Completely oblivious to the reactions around him, Zayan continued enthusiastically. "And then I'll make my motherland proud, just like that bhaiyya on the train. Did you know, he is gonna join the NDA? I want to grow up and go there to! I will be a fauji too, just like bhaiyya!"
Yalina slapped a hand over his mouth so quickly that she nearly knocked him sideways. "Chup!"
The child blinked in confusion.
"But—" "No." "But Mama—" "No."
She glanced around nervously and discovered that the suspicious looks had only intensified.
Wonderful.
Exactly what she needed today when her emotions were already stretched beyond endurance.
Her husband was secretly an Indian spy, some weird phenomenon had his younger and older versions coming to her, and now her son had chosen a crowded railway platform to announce his future military ambitions in favour of a nation the Pakistanis considered as their mortal enemies. If someone had described this day to her a month ago, she would have assumed they were telling a badly written joke. The absurdity of it all was so overwhelming that she almost wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.
With a groan she pulled out her phone and called Khaleel.
The call connected almost immediately.
"Khaleel bhai?"
"Yalina Bibi?"
"Please come pick us up. I will send you the location. I know Hamza sent you to follow us."
There was a brief pause.
"How do you— should I tell Hamz—"
"Just come pick us up." Another pause followed before understanding entered his voice.
"Ji."
The call ended.
Yalina looked down at her son and then back toward the departing train carrying questions she still could not answer. Somewhere between frustration, confusion, grief, and reluctant amusement, she suddenly realized something that made her laugh despite herself.
After everything she had witnessed and everything she desperately wanted to understand, she had forgotten to ask the boy the simplest question of all. An answer she had demanded from Hamza, but she had only received silence. She would have had better luck with his younger version, she reckons, but she had lost the chance.
The thought had lingered heavily at the back of her mind for weeks now, stubborn and impossible to ignore no matter how many distractions life threw at her. Her mother was occupied, as always, with her father's political ambitions, campaign appearances, charity galas, and the endless parade of people who seemed convinced that Jameel Jamali's attention was the solution to all of Pakistan's problems. Yalina had neither the patience nor the temperament for any of it, and when she heard that her nani's health had taken a turn for the worse, she had packed a small bag almost immediately and announced that she would be staying with her grandmother for a few days.
Her nani had always been a balm to her soul, a respite amidst all of the shine and spotlight of her father's showmanship, the one place in the world where nobody expected her to be anybody except Waheeda ji's poti. She had always loved her grandmother's house too. It was strangely tranquil, the sprawling estate of a wealthy woman possessing the peace and quiet of a hermit's abode, tucked away from the bustle and recognition of the city, where conversations happened slowly, afternoons stretched lazily, and nobody cared about headlines, appearances, or carefully maintained reputations.
Life had become a tiring mummer's play.
She pretended and pretended and pretended until she feared that one day she would begin believing her own lies.
She pretended with her parents that her marriage was just as happy and well-to-do as it had been in the beginning. She pretended with her son that everything was fine. She pretended with her husband's men that the name they served was not a mask. She pretended with her husband that living with him, his lies, and his growing mountain of facades did not feel like a burden threatening to break her.
And her greatest facade was the one she maintained for herself. The one that pretended she was not still just as desperately in love with a man who had lied about everything.
Some days she felt disgust for herself.
Have you no spine? A younger, simpler, less complicated version of herself, she thinks, would question her. And Yalina would answer honestly that perhaps she did not. Or perhaps she had enough spine to carry her secrets and her husband's too.
She simply did not possess the strength necessary to destroy the fragile thing they had built together, half by Hamza on his own and half with her help.
Because she still craved him in ways that made her feel weak, foolish, and painfully human whenever she tried to examine her own heart honestly. She still craved his presence beside her at night, his voice filling the quiet spaces of their home, his touch finding hers without thought, his affection in small moments that nobody else noticed, and his love in all the complicated forms it chose to take.
But his lies came bundled with everything else he was, and she had leant to embrace the thorns for the rose, because she no longer knew how to separate the man she loved from the secrets he carried.
Now everything felt like a ticking bomb hidden beneath the ordinary rhythm of their lives. Now that she knew the truth, every time he stepped outside the house she felt fear settle heavily inside her stomach and remain there until he returned. Before, she had worried about rival gangs, political enemies, police raids, and the countless dangers that naturally followed a man like Hamza, but those fears seemed almost simple compared to what she knew now.
Now she knew that every day he walked into a battlefield she could not even see, a battlefield that stretched far beyond Karachi, beyond Pakistan, beyond anything she had ever imagined. It was not merely petty gangsters that could hurt him or criminals seeking revenge for old grudges. It was the army too, intelligence agencies, borders, governments, and entire nations whose interests could crush ordinary people without hesitation. Once she had finally seen the truth, the threat hanging over his head became impossible to ignore, and every goodbye felt heavier than the one before it.
Some days she felt like a widow whose widowhood had not yet been acknowledged by the world. The feeling frightened her. How much time did she actually have left with the man she had sworn to spend a lifetime with, and was there any way of knowing before that time suddenly ran out?
Would that time end with him in the ground, buried beneath soil while she stood beside a grave trying to remember the sound of his laughter? Or would it end with him across a border she could never cross, alive but forever beyond her reach? Was there any reality where she got to grow old beside him instead of losing him to one cause or another?
Sometimes she would imagine his shoulders bowing beneath age instead of responsibility, and the image felt so precious that it almost hurt. She imagined her own hair becoming white like her Nani's, imagined evenings spent together in comfortable silence, her head resting against his shoulder while his hand remained settled upon her knee. They were such ordinary dreams, embarrassingly ordinary compared to the lives they actually lived, yet they felt more impossible than anything else.
Would she ever watch Hamza become an old man, or would she only ever know this guilty, broken, battered man? Would she ever see him become the old Sikh she had met all those years ago?
She had never spoken about them to Hamza or to anyone else, partly because she did not know how to explain them and partly because half the time she was not even certain they had truly happened. They felt real when she remembered them, yet impossible whenever she tried to examine them logically.
Zayan no longer remembered the stranger from the train, though even now he still insisted that one day he would join the army. Hamza usually looked stricken whenever their son said it, a strange expression crossing his face before disappearing almost immediately. Yet the one time Zayan had proudly declared that it was the Indian Army he wanted to join, her husband had not corrected him or laughed it away.
He had only looked at him, and there had been pride in his eyes.
Then she remembered something else. The train.
Both encounters had happened on trains, specifically on journeys to her nanihaal. The realization had lingered in the back of her mind for months now, never fully forming until this moment. The last few visits had been family affairs, her father's extravagance insisting upon a fully equipped RV instead of the much cheaper train ride, and perhaps because of that she had stopped thinking about it.
Until now.
Now curiosity stirred again despite herself. Would she see him again if she took the train? Would she meet another version of him? Would the world grant her another impossible glimpse of the man who owned her heart while guarding so many secrets within his own?
Her answer arrived sooner than expected.
The first thing she noticed was the uniform. Khaki, but not Pakistani police. Those uniforms were different in colour, cut, and insignia, and recognition came almost immediately once she looked closely.
Punjab Police.
Not exactly the same as what she had seen in photographs, yet close enough that she knew what she was looking at.
Three officers entered her compartment, and between them walked a young man.
For one brief moment her heart forgot how to beat.
This time she recognized him instantly. There was no confusion, no uncertainty, and no gradual realization creeping into place. She knew him the moment she saw him.
Though his demeanor had changed completely, his face remained unmistakable. The same sharp features, the same eyes, and the same impossible familiarity remained untouched by time. Yet everything else was different in ways that made her chest ache.
His eyes looked like flint instead of sunlight. His jaw remained clenched so tightly that she wondered if he was grinding his teeth. The expression reminded her painfully of Hamza whenever he was furious and trying not to show it. There was that familiar curl of contempt resting at the edge of his mouth and that same furrow between his brows she used to smooth away with her thumb while teasing him.
He could not have been much older than twenty or twenty-one, yet he looked infinitely older than the laughing teenager she had met before. Whatever life had done to him, it had carved itself deeply into his face.
The officers noticed her immediately, and one gave a polite nod before they pushed the young prisoner down into the seat opposite her.
Finally his eyes lifted and recognition struck.
His eyes widened with shock, recognition, and disbelief before something else followed close behind. Before she could even process it, shame swept across his face so visibly that it startled her. His gaze dropped immediately and refused to rise again.
Yalina stared at him.
Something inside her twisted painfully at the sight. She remembered the bright-eyed boy eager to become a soldier, the boy who laughed too loudly and happily entertained Zayan's nonsense without a trace of impatience. That boy had seemed so alive, so hopeful, and so certain of the future waiting for him.
And now here sat a prisoner.
Handcuffed, silent, and looking as though the weight of the world rested upon his shoulders. She had been certain that her husband had been an army officer undercover, that is all. But clearly, that was not the case. She knew enough of such things that the boy in this prisoner's uniform would never wear a soldier's garb even if he completed his sentence. He had worn the striped clothes of prison and forever lost the honour to don a soldier's uniform.
What had happened to him?
From eager teenager to a convict, from excited schoolboy to a young man escorted by armed police, the transformation felt too severe to comprehend. She found herself searching his face for answers and finding only exhaustion, anger, and something that looked suspiciously like grief.
The silence stretched between them because he clearly had no intention of speaking or even acknowledging her presence. Yet habits were difficult things to abandon, and Yalina was unfortunately accustomed to trying to soothe that familiar frown, that tension, and that stubborn silence whenever she encountered it.
So she asked quietly,
"Kya maine aapko pehle kahin dekha hai?"
The boy stiffened immediately. His shoulders tightened, and for a moment she thought he might actually answer. Yet he remained silent, and if anything he turned away from her even further while the shame settled heavier upon him.
One of the officers snorted.
"Haan, dekha dekha sa lagta hoga. Abhi kuch mahinon pehle Punjab ke har news mein iski photo thi. Baarah aadmiyon ko akele maar daala hai isne. Aur ek boond afsos nahi hai iss qaatil ko."
Something changed instantly. The boy was no longer turning away in shame. The shame did not disappear completely, but it retreated beneath something harder. In its place came defiance. His shoulders straightened. His jaw tightened further. His eyes lifted just enough to fix themselves upon the officer.
There was nothing fearful in that look and nothing apologetic either. There was only anger, mutiny, and a fury so controlled that it seemed to vibrate beneath his skin. Yet he remained silent, and somehow that silence felt louder than any argument he could have made.
Yalina felt another pang in her chest.
The earlier version would never have remained quiet. That boy had talked endlessly, argued enthusiastically, and laughed freely whenever the opportunity presented itself. But her husband had mastered silence over the years. He had learned to lock entire wars behind his eyes without speaking a word, and looking at this young prisoner she realized she was witnessing the beginning of that transformation.
The making of that silence.
She wanted to ask more because she wanted to understand. She wanted to know what could possibly drive someone so young toward twelve deaths and leave him looking like this afterward.
The contradiction disturbed her deeply because she could not reconcile the boy she remembered with the young man sitting before her.
Before she could ask another question, a tea vendor appeared beside her window. "Chai, baji?"
Distracted, she turned. "Haan, do dena."
The exchange took perhaps twenty seconds, thirty at most. She handed over the money, collected the cups, and turned back toward her seat.
The seat opposite her was empty. The officers were gone. The boy was gone. All of them had vanished as though they had never been there at all.
The second cup of tea suddenly felt ridiculous in her hands.
Yalina stared at the empty seat for several moments before letting out a slow sigh. Missed again. And somehow this encounter had left her with even more questions than answers.
The cooling tea became an anchor between her palms while her thoughts churned relentlessly. The twelve deaths did not frighten her because her husband had killed more, and Lyari itself had consumed more lives than she could count.
No.
What disturbed her was the journey.
How had the bright, excitable boy become this young man? What had happened between those versions of him? What pain, loss, betrayal, or sacrifice had carved away the softness she remembered?
And sitting there with a cup of cooling tea, Yalina found herself wondering whether every version of Hamza she encountered was simply showing her a different scar.
The old man had shown her loss. The teenager had shown her hope. This young prisoner had shown her rage.
And somehow all three felt heartbreakingly familiar because all three still felt like him. Like the universe was showing her every layer of the person her husband already was, giving her time to weigh and listen to every one of them because it found her lacking for not seeing the amalgamation of them all in the shadows that already haunted her husband.
The questions continued swirling through her head long after the train resumed moving. Eventually she stopped fighting them because she knew she would never find complete answers. She could not change anything, and she could not understand everything.
By now she had resigned herself to learning only whatever fragments these strange encounters chose to reveal. The rest would remain hidden, just like Hamza, just like the truth, and just like all the things she loved about him but would perhaps never fully understand.
She still did not think she would tell her husband about any of this. This felt like a secret between her and the man beneath the mask of Hamza. And she wanted it to stay that way.
By forty-five, Yalina had learned that grief was not the thing people promised it would be.
It did not stay sharp forever. It dulled. It settled. It became reaching for a second cup while making tea before remembering there was nobody to drink it. It became hearing a joke and thinking Hamza would have laughed before the thought disappeared as quickly as it arrived. The worst part was not the pain.
The worst part was discovering you could survive it.
Nearly ten years had passed since he left. Ten years of raising Zayan alone. Ten years of birthdays, report cards, football matches, university applications, broken bones, heartbreaks, and ordinary Tuesdays that arrived whether her heart was broken or not.
For a long time she had been angry.
She had rehearsed arguments while washing dishes. Imagined confrontations while lying awake at night. Built entire conversations inside her head where Hamza finally understood what he had done to her, where his guilt become something that soothed her hurts instead of a reminder that nothing would change.
But real life was never as cooperative as fantasy. Then life happened, as it always did.
Zayan grew up before she was ready for him to.
One day he was small enough to fit against her chest when he fell asleep, and the next he was taller than she was and speaking about a future that no longer required her permission. University applications appeared on the kitchen table. School matches needed attending. Broken bones needed worrying over. Teenage heartbreaks needed surviving.
And somewhere between all those ordinary milestones, between parent-teacher meetings and late-night conversations and watching her son become his own person, she realized that entire weeks had passed without thinking about Hamza. The realization should have felt like a victory, but instead it felt strangely sad. She had spent so many years carrying her anger that she no longer knew who she was without it. Yet life kept moving anyway, pulling her forward one day at a time until eventually she found herself standing in a future she had once been certain she would never have to be alone in.
Her father passed. It had nearly taken her down, his loss. In her youth, he had not been the best father. Watching Hamza with their son, for whatever amount of time he had with them, had taught her that. But he became her rock later. When Hamza left, her father had been the one to catch her when she fell. He insisted on hovering over her, dragging her out of bed, speaking to her even when she had no words to respond, embracing her more in a week than he had in a lifetime. Holding her hand, being her crutch until she could finally stand again, find the will to live again. He had been the only one who had known that Hamza was alive. He had pulled many connections to get him out, and then had kneeled at her feet and apologized that while he had saved him, he could not let her leave with him. It would be a death sentence for them, he had said, and she had accepted it, and her father had looked at her with such guilt, that he spent the next 8 years making up for it. And then he was lost to her too.
Her mother softened with age too, becoming gentler in ways Yalina had once believed were impossible. The sharp edges that had defined so much of her childhood seemed to wear down year by year, and there were moments when Yalina looked at her and wondered where this version of her mother had been all along. It felt unfair sometimes. She had spent decades wishing for this woman and received her only after she no longer needed her in quite the same way.
The world continued spinning whether she was ready for it or not, and every year seemed to pull her a little farther away from the woman she had been when Hamza left.
And somewhere along the way, her anger became exhausted.
That was why when she saw him sitting across from her, she did not feel rage.
She felt sadness.
The man could not have been older than thirty-five. Yet she knew immediately which version of him this was. This was after the truth. After the arguments. After the distance began creeping between them.
She remembered him from those months.
She remembered watching him move through their home as though he no longer knew where he belonged there. It had been painful to witness because the house had once fit him so naturally. He used to fill every room without effort, used to make even ordinary evenings feel warm and familiar. Then something changed, and suddenly he seemed uncertain inside his own life. He lingered in doorways as though he wasn't sure he was welcome. He hesitated before speaking, as though every sentence needed careful consideration. He looked at her when he thought she wasn't paying attention, and there had been something heartbreaking about those looks because they always felt like a goodbye he wasn't ready to say.
At the time, she had been too angry to fully understand what she was seeing. He had not seen him then, and now all she could do was see the things she had missed the last time. It was so apparent now. Her words spat in anger felt blind now. How could she accuse him of not loving her, when he sat here, looking like a man aged twenty years by the despondence of his circumstances? She could see it in the stubborn set of his jaw.
He was trying.
That was the tragedy.
He was trying, and she already knew it wouldn't be enough.
Ten years had passed since he left. Entire chapters of her life had unfolded without him. She had learned how to make decisions without asking what he thought. She had learned how to celebrate milestones without expecting him beside her. She had learned how to survive the absence he left behind, even when surviving it felt unfair. Yet some part of her still knew him instinctively. She knew the tension in his shoulders meant he was carrying too much. She knew the set of his jaw meant he was trying not to say something. She knew the sadness in his eyes because she had spent years loving the man who wore it.
An emotion bloomed in her chest, that she had not quite expected.
It wasn't anger, although she had carried enough of that for years to fill entire seasons of her life. It wasn't resentment either, despite all the nights she had spent replaying old conversations and imagining different endings. It wasn't even grief, because grief had long ago settled into something quieter and more familiar.
It was pity.
Not for herself.
For him.
The feeling surprised her because she had spent so many years believing that if she ever saw him again, she would want answers. She thought she would want explanations, apologies, some acknowledgment of everything that had been broken between them. Instead, sitting across from him now, all she could think was how young he looked. Not young in age, but young in certainty. Young in the way of hopefulness. His final days with them had had none of this hope. His very soul had seemed resigned to fate.
Age had given her something youth never could. Perspective.
Because she knew how the story ended and he didn't. She knew that one day he would leave. She knew that one day he would lose everything.
She knew that one day he would become an old man listening to stories about his son because stories were all he had left.
And she knew that the young man sitting across from her was still hoping love would save him. It wouldn't.
Looking at him now, she felt an ache she hadn't expected. There was something unbearably sad about watching someone stand at the beginning of a heartbreak you already knew by heart. He was still fighting for a future she knew would slip through his fingers. He was still carrying hope she knew would eventually exhaust itself. She wondered, if the old Sikh man had felt the same pity for her when he had seen the exuberance of her youth, or had he envied her carefree naivete. Well, nobody would accuse her husband of naivete, that was for sure. The tensing of his shoulders told her that she had been seen. She felt at ease with this version of her husband. She had loved this version of him, had given herself- mind, body and soul to this man. She knew him, perhaps even better than he knew himself.
"Hello", she decided to start the conversation, hoping her voice sounded steadier than it felt.
He looked stunned. Like he did not expect that she would look at him with kindness. Ah, then this was right after the reveal.
"She still loves you, you know. Your version of Yalina. I still love you, and I have had far more to hate you for than she does."
His face seemed to crumple. Like hearing her voice had been the thing that broke the last tether that held him. He hid his face in his hands and began to sob, like Zaayan did when he was younger. Even now, she couldn't help but marvel at how similar the two were. She had never thought she would hear that noise from her 'always tough as brass nails' husband. His shoulders shook, his hands trembling as he knelt at Yalina's feet. He joined his hands, as if in supplication, tears still streaming down his face. "I am sorry. I am so sorry, meri jaan. I have destroyed your life. I am sorry, I was selfish. I-I was a fool. Mujhe maaf kar do, Leena. Muhe maaf kardo."
How long had she imagined this? Him asking for forgiveness? And in all those fantasies, she would push him away in righteous anger. He would be left in the dust, feeling the same abandonment as she had. But now that her broken heart looked at this broken man, all she could do was raise her own trembling hand to cup his wet cheek. She knew that she was crying too, and she did not care much for it. She encouraged him to tilt his chin, his teary eyes meeting her own, teary too, no doubt. Before she could do much else, her husband, now ten years younger than her, laid his head upon her lap, sobbing like a heartbroken child, she could feel the hot,wet gasps that he tried to hide in the cloth of her suit, the desperation in the way he clutched at her hands, and she couldn't help superimpose Zayan, so much like his father, over this lost man.
Her hands rose automatically to gently run through his hair, like she had done that night after he had returned from killing Rehman bhai. Caressing and patting with one hand, as the other clutched at the shoulder of his thick coat like she was afraid to let go, pretending that he was the only one being comforted. It took them a few minutes, of this moment of vulnerability, before he calmed, and she felt a strange tranquility wash over her. She was a fool to think she could stop loving him. That just because the anger had faded, so too had the love. She had threatened to burn him if he betrayed her, but the truth was that she had always been too enthralled by him, she had burned for him long before being burned by him. He was, for better or worse, the flame of her soul.
"Do you want to know what Zayan is upto these days? He plays for football for his university now." They both knew the unspoken rule of this little gift from the powers that be. Nothing would change. Nothing could be changed. This rested on the unspoken understanding that the one from the future would divulge nothing to the one from the past, that could change the outcome of things. So chose neutral ground.
"Accha?", he murmured, muffled by her kameez.
"Hmm. And likes to keep his hair long, even though it has none of your hair's lusciousness and he looks a little homeless. But its alright. He likes it."
"Mmhm?"
"He also plays a bunch of instruments you know. But his favourite is the keyboard. He likes to remix old bollywood songs."
"Does he still make a fuss about eating meat and eggs"
"Hmm. These days there is this trend of eating only foods that don't come from animals. He claims he is following that, and is saving the animals. But we all know its because he doesn't like meat"
He snorted in laughter. "What else does he do?"
"Oh he draws now. That's his degree. You have to see his pieces, dear, they look like photographs! Its amazing."
"He wants to be an artist? It doesn't pay very well, does it?"
"Well, with the amount of inheritance he is set to get, woh toh kya, uske do pushte aaram se baith ke kha sakte hain. He too, is a burger baccha", she chuckled at that thought.
If someone had told her even half an hour ago, that the next time she came face to face with her husband, it would be the most cathartic thing, with the both of them talking about Zayan and nothing else, she would have laughed them out of the room. She had imagined that talking to Ham—no, Jaskirat—would be awkward. That there would be too much history between them. But talking to him felt as easy as it had been all those years ago. It had felt like coming home. But she had a feeling, that her time with her husband was nearly up.
"Ab mera station aa gya hai Hamza, mujhe utarna hoga. And you too, have some place to be, don't you?"
He raised his head from her lap, his eyes so despondent, that she almost gave in and pulled him back, perhaps, a little because of her own reluctance to let him go after she had him so close to her. But their lives were at different paths and this was just a stolen moment. He had a life to live and so did she. These few moments they had shared made it easy to forget what waited for them outside this compartment, that this version of her husband belonged to her younger self. But for just a moment, she could almost forget everything else.
When she met his gaze again, the vulnerability in his eyes almost brought her to a halt. For years she had imagined that when Hamza left, he chose something else over them. His duty, his mission. But sitting here now, looking at the devastation hidden behind his eyes, she finally understood that choosing one thing did not always mean wanting it more.
Sometimes it just meant losing. Losing one thing to keep another. Losing anyway. Her epiphany did not change a thing. It would not excuse his role in the droll tragedy her life had become. But he wasn't the villain in it anymore. Seeing his eyes reminded her of why she had never held him responsible of abandonment in the first few years before the exhaustion of lonely life had turned her bitter. He was just a man. A man who loved his wife and son. A man who would, one day, lose both. And for the first time in nearly ten years, Yalina found that she did not want to punish him for it anymore.
As she stood, meeting his gaze for the last time, she spoke," Agar mann kabhi bhar aye, toh apni biwi ko apna asli naam bata dijiye. Taaki jab uska mann bhar aye, toh woh aapko aapke asli naam se yaad kar sake, Jaskirat ji."
She did not wait to see his reaction. It did not matter.
She stepped onto the platform, knowing that if she turned back, the train would no longer be the one she had travelled in and that her co-passenger would be gone.
She did not blame him anymore. She just wished things had been different and she wouldn't be stuck telling anecdotes of a son to his father, when he should have been in those anecdotes all along.
She wished her husband had been given a chance to be a father to their son.
By the time Yalina turned seventy, she no longer came to the railway station because she had somewhere to go.
The destination had stopped mattering years ago.
The station had become a habit first, then a ritual, and finally something far more intimate than either. It had become a place where possibility still existed, where the world occasionally loosened its grip on logic and allowed impossible things to happen. She had spent nearly twenty-five years returning to these platforms, sometimes hopeful, sometimes foolish, sometimes angry at herself for believing, and sometimes simply tired enough to sit on a bench and listen to the trains come and go while pretending she was waiting for nothing in particular.
Life had continued in the meantime.
Life always did.
Zayan had a life of his own now. He had married a Punjabi woman whose laughter reminded Yalina vaguely of springtime, and together they had given her two grandchildren, Jasleen and Jasmine, whose photographs occupied every available surface in her home. He lived in the United Kingdom now, a decision she understood even if she did not entirely like it. He called often, visited whenever he could, and carried his love for her with the same stubborn devotion he had inherited from both his parents, but his life was elsewhere now. His children spoke with strange accents. His worries belonged to another country. His future was no longer tied to Karachi.
Yalina did not begrudge him that. Children were supposed to leave. That was the entire point. But she was old enough now to admit that understanding something and liking it were two entirely different things.
Zayan had begged her to move. He had shown her photographs of houses, neighbourhoods, parks where his daughters played, hospitals with excellent facilities, and entire communities of people who would welcome her. He worried about her living alone. He worried about her age. He worried because he was a good son.
But Yalina always found an excuse.
The weather would not suit her. The food would be different. She was too old to start over. The truth was simpler than all of those reasons.
She was not sure she would find her husband at a railway station in the United Kingdom.
And if there remained even the smallest possibility that she might find him here, then she could not bring herself to leave.
So she stayed. She was a frequent visitor here.
Enough that the station staff recognized her face. Enough that the tea vendor stopped asking what she wanted and simply handed her the same cup every time. Enough that she could admit, at least to herself, that she was no longer waiting for a train.
She was waiting for him.
That morning she moved slower than she once had. Her knees protested every staircase. Her fingers ached when the weather changed. The age spots on her hands reminded her painfully of her advancing age, and every mirror she encountered seemed determined to introduce her to another unfamiliar wrinkle.
The last time she had truly seen Hamza had been nearly twenty-five years ago.
A part of her wondered whether he would recognize her at all, because the woman boarding this train bore little resemblance to any version of herself he had previously known. She no longer looked like the young bride he had married, nor the furious wife who had demanded explanations from a world determined to deny them both. She no longer resembled the grieving woman who had spent years waiting for a husband who never returned, measuring entire seasons through absence and unanswered longing. Age had settled upon her thoroughly now.
Still, she climbed aboard the train.
A ticket to her nanihaal—her estate now, a fact that remained faintly unreal despite years of ownership—rested between her fingers as she moved carefully through the compartment. She was not expecting anything, because expectation had long ago taught her the cost of demanding miracles from indifferent circumstances. That was the lesson she had learned through decades of returning here: the station offered nothing to those who arrived insisting upon answers.
Then she looked up.
And there he was.
For a moment she simply stood motionless in the aisle, after years of missed chances, unfinished conversations, and impossible reunions, she had finally received the one thing she had secretly wanted all along.
Her old man. Her Hamza. Her Jaskirat.
His beard had turned completely white beneath a neatly tied pink turban. Spectacles rested upon his nose, while time had settled visibly into the lines around his eyes and softened the sharp certainty of his younger features. He looked older, undeniably tired, and more profoundly real than any version she had encountered before.
Then his eyes lifted to meet hers.
Recognition appeared instantly within them, immediate and unquestionable, carrying the effortless certainty that only decades of loving the same person could produce. A smile touched his face, neither the reckless grin of the gangster she had met nor the guarded expression of the soldier she had mourned. It was not the devastated face of the man who had once been losing her in slow motion. It was simply a smile, quiet and certain, carrying the unmistakable feeling of home.
"You look dignified now," she said, like she was simply continuing a conversation rather than seeing her dearest wish brought to life, because after fifty years of loving him she could not imagine beginning any other way. "Those spectacles suit you."
His smile widened immediately.
"And your radiance grows each day, my dear."
The answer arrived so naturally that she laughed aloud, producing a sound she had not expected from herself, her husband had always been a shameless rake. It was what had made her fall head over heels for him in the first place. The sparkle in his eyes looked familiar . It felt like home. It felt as though no time had passed between them. It felt as though every lonely year had folded inward and quietly disappeared.
Yalina wasted no time.
She no longer trusted whatever strange force governed these encounters, because every previous meeting had taught her how quickly impossible gifts could vanish. Conversations ended abruptly. Entire lives slipped through her fingers before she fully understood what she had been shown.
So she crossed the compartment immediately.
She sat beside him and reached for him without hesitation, her fingers wrapping around his blazer-covered elbow with embarrassing desperation. The gesture carried the irrational fear that loosening her grip even slightly might cause him to vanish like every other impossible version before him.
He did not vanish.
Instead he reached for her free hand and enclosed it within his own. His grip felt firm, warm, and reassuringly certain. Then he settled her hand upon his knee and covered it gently, transforming an ordinary gesture into something that nearly overwhelmed her.
It was such a small thing. Such an ordinary thing. Yet tears burned unexpectedly behind her eyes because after nearly four decades she finally had somewhere to rest again.
Carefully, almost reverently, she lowered her head onto his shoulder.
The shoulder beneath her cheek felt exactly as she remembered despite the years that had passed between them. It was older perhaps, slightly narrower and more fragile than before, yet unmistakably his. It remained familiar enough that something deep inside her immediately relaxed.
They remained like that for a long time. Minutes perhaps. Hours perhaps. Time had always behaved strangely whenever he appeared.
Neither of them spoke because neither of them needed to. They had already spent lifetimes speaking, arguing, loving, and missing one another across distances that should have been impossible to survive. What remained to be said after all that?
Eventually her gaze drifted across the compartment.
A newlywed couple sat opposite them, the young woman resting her head upon her husband's shoulder while he absent-mindedly played with her fingers. The sight filled her chest with unexpected warmth because it felt strangely familiar.
She felt Jaskirat shift slightly beside her. Then his head came gently to rest against hers. The tenderness of the gesture nearly undid her.
Yalina closed her eyes.
She was tired, like someone who had not allowed herself to feel tired for years finally tasting the privilege of being allowed to feel tired. It was the kind of tiredness that transformed rest into a gift rather than an interruption.
A strange certainty settled over her. She did not think she would wake if she allowed herself to fall asleep.
If this was a dream, then it was an unusually kind one. If this was a wish turned memory, then it was a generous one. If this was magic, then it had finally chosen mercy after decades of cruelty. And if this was merely the wishful imagining of an old woman sitting alone upon a train, she discovered she did not particularly care.
His hand remained wrapped around hers. His shoulder remained beneath her cheek. For the first time in decades she no longer felt adrift.
The train continued moving steadily onward while stations arrived and disappeared beyond the windows. Announcements echoed faintly through the compartment, and somewhere nearby people laughed, talked, and planned ordinary futures for themselves. Yalina paid none of it any attention.
She simply remained where she was. Beside her husband. Finally.
Whether she was falling asleep, dreaming, remembering, or borrowing one final impossible moment from a universe that had taken so much from both of them, she found she no longer required an explanation. Peace, she realized at the very end, did not always arrive through certainty or understanding. Sometimes it arrived as a familiar shoulder beneath your cheek, a warm hand wrapped around your own, and the quiet knowledge that after a lifetime spent searching for home, you had finally found it again.
And so she rested. And the train carried them onward. To where, neither of them seemed particularly concerned with knowing.
A/N: I hope you liked it, you guys, I have no idea what I was writing, this is a very new genre to me. I had a few more pitstops, but I felt this had gone on long enough, so here you go! This was an absolute joy to write and such a unique concept too! Anyway, have a great day you guys, this is a scheduled post and so will the next two posts be, I think.
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SYNOPSIS: The boy who tended a garden that was never his, in a language he had buried, for a man who got to go home.
word count: 6.5k words
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[I want to tell you about a prince.
Not Hamza. Not Jaskirat. We'll come back to them. Later.
I want to tell you about Malik Khorsheed — the Sun Prince — who is the hero of a folktale that has been told across Afghanistan and Persia for centuries, passed through courtyards and caravanserais and grandmother-voices and fire-lit rooms, the way stories survive: by being true enough to keep being needed.
Malik Khorsheed lost his mother young. His father gave him a black foal to fill the silence. For years, the foal was his only real companion — the one who knew his name before anyone else spoke it, the one who warned him when the world was becoming dangerous, the one whose knowing required no performance in return.
When his stepmother finally moved to destroy the foal, the prince did what survivors do: he ran. He crossed into a foreign kingdom. He put down his name and his history and his face and became a gardener. A nobody. He let the foreign soil cover him and he waited and he did the work that was asked of him and he did not say what he was.
In the end, the king of the foreign kingdom learned the truth. Wept. Placed his turban on Malik Khorsheed's head. Forty days of feasting. A bride. A flying horse home. The father, exultant in the palace gardens, ordering celebration.
The prince got his name back. That is how the folktale ends.
I'm telling you about Malik Khorsheed because I need you to hold the shape of the story — the real shape, what it costs, what it promises — before I tell you about the version where the prince does not get the feast.
The version where the forty days don't come.
The version where the boy who wore a borrowed name stays borrowed.
But here is the part the folktale never tells you. Here is the part I need you to sit with before we begin.
Malik Khorsheed's foreign kingdom did not hate what he was underneath the disguise. The king wept when he learned the truth. The wound was concealment, not contradiction.
What if the thing he was hiding was the thing the foreign kingdom despised?
What if the prince was not simply unnamed — but unwelcome. Not as a stranger. As a Pathan. As the one whose mother tongue was the wrong tongue, whose blood the foreign kingdom's men joked about at dinner tables while he sat very still and smiled and passed the chai.
That is a different story.
That is the one I want to tell you.]
Somewhere in the northwest. Before all of it.
There is a house that faces the mountains. This is the first true thing. The mountains are always in the frame — not dramatically, not the way foreigners write about them, all metaphor and scale. Just present. The way walls are present. The way the sky is present. He grew up with the mountains as a fact of the world, absorbing them the way children absorb the permanent things, below the level of language.
His mother spoke Pashto to him until he had it in his blood. Not a figure of speech. This is how language acquisition works in the body — not as information stored but as reflex installed, below the level of thought, in the architecture of the self before the self knew it was being built. She spoke Pashto.
She said his name — the real one, the Pashto one, the one that carries in its syllables the specific geography of where she was from and who her people were — and he grew up knowing himself in that sound.
He has not spoken Pashto in years.
This is the cost that does not appear in the contract. The contract says: cover name, cover city, cover history.
The contract does not say: cover language. Cover the mother tongue. Cover the part of you that thinks in Pashto at 3am when the guard is down and the cover name has gone quiet and the real self surfaces briefly in the dark like something coming up for air.
The cover name is Rizwan Shah.
He answers to it. He has answered to it so long that it has worn grooves in him, settled into the posture of his shoulders, become the name his body recognizes in a crowd. At a certain point answering to a name stops being performance and becomes reflex, and the reflex is now the name, functionally, practically, in every room that matters.
This is not a tragedy. He agreed to it. He understood the contract. He signed the papers with both hands and he stood in the training room in Delhi and he said Rizwan Shah, Rizwan Shah, until the Pashto cadence was gone from the back of his throat and only the Urdu remained — smooth, cityless, belonging to no one in particular.
He was very good at the smoothing.
This is the thing that made him useful and the thing that cost him most. Both facts equally true. Both equally beside the point.
[Malik Khorsheed's black foal appears after his mother dies. The folktale is precise about the sequence. First the loss. Then the gift. A dervish brings the animal to the palace, and the scholars argue about what it means, but the foal goes directly to the boy and stands beside him without being led, and this is the answer: it means the boy needed something that would not leave, and so the story provided it.
The foal knows everything. It warns him about the pit dug in the path. It warns him about the poisoned food. It tells him when the tournament is happening and instructs him, three times, to ride out in armor so no one can see his face, and win, and return before anyone learns who he is.
The foal is the keeper of the real name while the boy is being someone else.
Every version of this story has an equivalent. Someone or something that holds the original while the disguise is being worn. The black foal. The red and yellow threads in a breast pocket. The diary handed over in a hallway in Lyari, the words go compressed to a single syllable, and then a man walking in the other direction.
What happens when the keeper is gone?
What does the prince do when there is no foal left — no witness to the original, nothing between him and the cover name but years — and on top of that, the foreign kingdom is specifically, historically, at war with the thing he actually is underneath?
This is where the folktale runs out.
This is where Rizwan begins.]
Delhi. The training room. The before.
He remembers the smell first. Damp concrete and something electrical and the particular staleness of a room that processes many bodies and does not open its windows. The fluorescent lights flattened everyone's faces to the same grey-white, which was either accidental or designed and he had decided by the second week it was designed — the lighting was itself a kind of cover, making it hard to read anyone, which meant reading people anyway became the first and most important skill.
He became very good at reading. He had always been good at reading. He had grown up Pathan in rooms that were not Pathan rooms, had learned by the time he was twelve that certain things about you are information and information in the wrong hands is danger, had developed the specific competence of a person who has always had to know the room before the room knew him.
Jaskirat Singh Rangi arrived on the third day.
Punjabi. You could see it immediately — the way his body took up space with the confidence of someone who had grown up knowing the space was theirs. He had a face that had been angry about something for a long time and had organized itself around the anger without letting it show, which is a different thing from hiding it, more structural than that. He tracked the door every time he entered a room. He had already agreed to something before he walked in, which was visible to anyone paying the right kind of attention, and he was the kind of person who assumed nobody was paying the right kind of attention and was therefore briefly readable before he realized he was being read.
He sat two chairs away and said nothing for the first hour.
He said nothing the way a man says nothing when he is listening more carefully than the people who are speaking.
By the end of the first week they were running drills together. Not because they had been assigned to each other. Because they had identified each other as the two people in the room operating at the same specific frequency — the frequency of people who have been careful for long enough that the careful has become something structural, something installed below the level of decision.
By the end of the second week they had established the wordless grammar that develops between people who are very good at reading and therefore spend energy reading each other. Not competing. Not performing. Just noting. Continuously, precisely, noting.
He noted: Jaskirat's Punjabi surfaced when he was tired. The specific music of it, the cadence. He did not file this as a vulnerability — it was a tell only if someone in the room was looking for it, and the only person looking for it was himself. He filed it as information about what Jaskirat was like when his guard was down. This was useful information. It was the kind you could not fabricate.
Jaskirat noted: he was careful in a specific way. Not the training-room careful, the careful you learn in the first week. The older kind. The kind that comes from having learned early that certain things about you are information, and information is always also risk. He had been careful in this way his whole life and it showed in the way nothing showed — which is its own kind of showing, to the right pair of eyes.
There was a night, late, in the kind of hour the training left them with — both of them sitting outside on concrete because neither could sleep, which was a pattern they had both noticed without naming — when Jaskirat said: "Where are you actually from."
He had given the city all week. Just the city, just the cover. He looked at Jaskirat in the specific half-dark of a Delhi night and understood that the question was not an interrogation. It was a parallel disclosure. I am from somewhere too. I am carrying something too. I am asking because I want to be asked back, because the weight of performing nowhere gets heavy by the end of a training day and even careful men occasionally need to set something down.
He said the city. He did not say what the city was built on top of. What language its hills spoke at night. What the mountains looked like from the window of his childhood home. What his mother's voice sounded like when it was not performing any language except her own.
Jaskirat nodded. He did not ask further.
He understood the shape of a door that stays closed and he respected it the way men who have their own closed doors respect each other's. This was the beginning of the thing between them — not friendship, which is the wrong word, too soft for what develops between two people who have both agreed to something enormous and are now circling each other in a training room, both precise, both carrying things they have been told to put down and haven't quite managed. Something more structural than friendship. The recognition of a parallel weight.
They trained for months.
He learned Jaskirat's tells the way you learn a landscape you might someday need to navigate in the dark: exhaustively, without sentiment, with total retention. The jaw tension that meant Jaskirat was containing something he would not say. The particular stillness that meant he had made a decision and was done renegotiating it. The way he reached for his left wrist when he was afraid, not consciously, just the gesture of a man touching the only thing he hadn't agreed to put down.
Jaskirat learned his tells.
There was an exercise — the fourth month, when the training shifted to close-quarters — where they were paired against each other, full resistance, no holds. He was good at this. He had always been good at this. But Jaskirat was also good at it, and Jaskirat had the specific advantage of a man who fights like he is not afraid of losing, which is the most dangerous kind of opponent, because caution in a fight is always also a vulnerability.
They went fifteen minutes. Full resistance. Neither one conceding.
At the end Jaskirat was on the floor and he had two fingers pressed into his own bleeding lip and they were both breathing like they had been underwater and the instructor had stopped counting rounds because it had stopped being useful to count rounds, and after a long moment Jaskirat looked up at him from the floor and said: "You fight like you're angry about something you're not going to tell me."
He thought about the mountains. He thought about Pashto at 3am. He thought about the smooth Urdu he had installed in the back of his throat where the other language used to live.
He said: "So do you."
Jaskirat's mouth moved. Not quite a smile. The thing adjacent to a smile in men who have forgotten how to do the easy version.
They got up. They ran the next drill.
This is what he carries from the training months: not the techniques, not the protocol — those are installed, those are simply there now, below decision. He carries the specific texture of being known sideways, incompletely, accurately. Jaskirat never knew his real name. Jaskirat never knew the language. But Jaskirat knew the shape of the closed door and knew not to push it and knew how to sit beside a person in a difficult hour without making the difficulty worse, and this — this is the thing that did not have a name but was real, and was the closest thing to keeping he had in those months, and he did not understand its weight until it was very far away.
[There is a concept in Pashtunwali — the code that has governed Pathan life for centuries, older than the borders that divided the land it came from — called nang. Honour. Not in the diluted sense the word has acquired in translation, not the performance of honour for external observers. The real thing. The internal accounting. The question you answer only to yourself, in the language your mother spoke, in the quiet that is not available in any other register.
Nang demands: you protect your own. You stand with your people. You do not walk into the enemy's house and call it service.
He made a different calculation.
He has been making it every year in Lyari. Every morning, waking up in a city at war with itself in at least four directions, in a neighbourhood that had buried over 3,500 of its own people between 2000 and 2010 — 3,500 people which is a number that appears in every report and means nothing and means everything, which is not a statistic but a city inside a city gone — waking up in this place, in this name, in this language, and making the calculation again.
The mission against the nang. The hundred and sixty-six who did not get out of November 2008 against the voice in the back of his throat that sometimes surfaced at 3am and said: what are you doing in this man's house. What have you made of yourself.
He answered the voice in Pashto.
He was the only person in Karachi who could.
The Pashtun who chose the mission over nang is not a traitor in the simple sense. He is something more complicated. He is a man who looked at the code his mothers' mothers lived by and said: I understand this, and I am going to do the other thing, and I am going to carry the weight of that in the language the code was written in, which is a language nobody around me speaks, which means I am carrying it entirely alone.
Alone is the operative word.
It is always the operative word with him.]
Lyari. The years.
He arrived without ceremony, one more body in a city that had stopped asking where bodies came from. He made himself small and steady and unremarkable. He learned the neighbourhood the way he had learned everything since the training: with his whole body, not just his mind. The acoustics of the lanes — narrow enough that sound bounced differently than in open streets, which meant you could sometimes hear a conversation three turnings away if you knew where to stand. The specific light at different hours: mornings gold over the rooftops, evenings purple-grey, nights orange-lit because the city never fully turned itself off. The weight of the air in the wet season versus the dry, the salt in it, the sea underneath everything.
He learned Lyari in the language Lyari spoke — Balochi-inflected Urdu, its own rhythms, its own music — and he absorbed it the way he had absorbed everything he needed to survive in a space that was not built for him: completely, below the level of decision, until it felt natural, until Rizwan Shah's voice came out of his mouth with the cadences of a man who had always spoken this way.
He did not think about Pashto during the days.
He thought about it at 3 in the morning, which was when the cover name went quiet.
There was a man in the outer circles of Rehman Dakait's network named Gulbaz. He had come from Khyber in the late nineties when moving to the city was survival. He had a voice that carried the mountains in it — the register that comes from growing up in altitude, in space, in the acoustic landscape of a place where sounds travel far. He spoke Urdu in a way that said: this is not my first language, and he was careful about it, and the careful cost him something visible to anyone who knew the specific texture of that kind of careful.
He watched Gulbaz smooth the Pashto from the back of his throat in meetings. Watched him absorb the jokes — the particular jokes, the ones that establish hierarchy while maintaining deniability — with the expression of a man who has decided that absorbing is cheaper than responding, and has made this decision so many times it has become a reflex. Watched him make himself smaller in rooms that would have been easier if he had been something else.
He did not say a word.
He could have spoken to Gulbaz in Pashto. Three minutes, maybe less. The specific relief of it — the language your mother gave you, your real name's language, the one that lives in the back of the throat and hasn't been let out in years. He could have given Gulbaz that. Given himself that.
He did not. The mission was the mission.
He is still not sure whether not speaking was the right thing or simply the necessary thing. He has given up trying to locate the difference because the difference has nowhere to go, and some questions you stop asking not because you've found the answer but because the asking costs more than you have left to spend.
[The black foal speaks. In the folktale this is not magical — it is simply the foal's nature. It sees clearly. It speaks plainly. It does not soften the warnings or dress them in comfort.
"Be careful," the foal says. "She is plotting against you."
"I know," the prince says.
"You should leave."
"Not yet."
The foal and the prince have this conversation in different forms across different dangers. The foal warns. The prince acknowledges. The prince stays, because the time is not right, because leaving before the right moment means the waiting was for nothing.
There is a word in Dari — saburi — close to the Arabic sabr but with something additional in it, something that comes from being embedded in a specific landscape of endurance, a specific cultural memory of waiting out larger forces than yourself.
Saburi is the patience of a people who have been invaded and occupied and starved and bombed and who are still here, still telling the same stories in the same courtyards.
He learned this word and then learned what it cost to live it.
Rizwan was Hamza's foal.Not in the sense of being lesser — in the sense of being the keeper. The one who called the cover name knowing it was a cover name. The one who could read the face behind the face, who knew there was a language beneath the Urdu that never came out, a name beneath the name that was never spoken.
Hamza knew.
This is the sentence with the most weight. Hamza knew, and the knowing made the years possible in a way that no operational review can account for. The knowing was structural. It was the difference between wearing a disguise and becoming the disguise.
Between the prince in the garden who is still a prince and the gardener who looks in the mirror one day and cannot find the prince anymore.
Hamza gave him the diary and said leave.
And the keeping stopped.
Some things do not require elaboration. Some things are their own elaboration.]
Lyari. The operations.
There is a chapter of the years that he keeps in a specific place — not sealed, not forgotten, just stored at a remove, the way you store things that are both necessary to keep and costly to access. The chapter called: what they did together.
He and Hamza worked through a list that had no official name, in a file that officially did not exist, of men who were in Karachi and should not be. Zahoor Mistry. The Khanani brothers. Men whose names appeared in briefings about attacks on trains and markets and all the ordinary places where people are when they become targets without knowing it. Each one documented. Each one removed.
He was beside Hamza for all of it — the logistics, the intelligence, the specific precision that the training had installed in both of them, the shared body count that accumulated across the years like sediment.
He filed all of it. Sent to Aalam, through Aalam to Sanyal in Delhi, each transmission a thread in the net they were building.
He did not grieve any of the men they removed.
He is not certain this is a healthy thing.
He is also not certain that healthy is the right metric for what they were doing in those lanes at those hours, and some distinctions you stop pursuing because pursuing them is a luxury the work did not allow and now, in the after, there is a habit of not pursuing that has outlasted the necessity.
Then: the Uzair Baloch framing.
He wants to be precise about this because the imprecise version is comfortable and the precise version is the true one and he has been in a line of work that requires him to know the difference. What happened: Hamza engineered the fall of Arshad Pappu. Uzair Baloch was positioned as the instrument. The evidence was real — Uzair had done it, the football scene, that specific and extreme violence — but the positioning of the evidence, the way it surfaced, the record that brought the police and the gangs simultaneously to bear: that was constructed.
His testimony was part of the construction.
His statement — Rizwan Shah, loyal aide, credible witness — was one of the load-bearing pieces that made Uzair's guilt legible to the people who needed to believe it. He gave the statement accurately. He said what had happened. He selected which part of what had happened to say, which is not lying, which is the specific discipline that the work requires, which is also, on reflection, a form of violence with a clean face.
He is precise about this. He was part of the mechanism that destroyed a man's position in the world. The man had done what he was said to have done. He had also been selected for destruction for reasons that had nothing to do with Arshad Pappu and everything to do with what Hamza needed next. Both of these things are simultaneously true. He was the instrument of both.
He moved on. He has been very good at moving on.
He is less certain, in the after, that moving on and accounting for are the same thing.
He is less certain, in the after, that he has done the accounting.
Lyari. The night of the ammunition.
This is the one he returns to. Not the operations, not the kills, not the testimony or the years. This one. The specific and complete texture of this one night.
He had known something was wrong before they arrived. He had known the way you know things after years in Lyari — not with the mind first, with the body.
The way the men at the perimeter were positioned. He had read it and he had not said anything because saying it would have required explaining how he knew, and explaining how he knew required a kind of precision about his own perception that he had learned to keep internal.
They delivered the ammunition.
Major Iqbal took Hamza.
He sensed it the moment the room changed — not saw, sensed, the way you sense a door closing before you hear it — and he moved and the door was already locked and he was on the outside of it and Hamza was on the inside and there was a wall between them and the wall was not going to move.
He wants to be precise about what those minutes were like. He has been precise about most things for most of his life and he is going to be precise about this too, because imprecision is a way of protecting yourself from what something actually was and he has decided, in the after, that he is done protecting himself from this particular thing.
The minutes were this: he was outside a locked door with Hamza on the other side and he did not know what was happening on the other side and he could not get through and he had a choice. He could make noise — draw attention, attempt a breach, do the thing that felt like action. Or he could wait. He could trust the plan that Hamza had built, the explosives planted in the ammunition with Shirani's help, the sequence that required only the right moment and someone with the nerve to detonate it and accept whatever the detonation cost.
He waited.
He stood outside a locked door in Lyari and he held the detonator and he waited and he did not know whether Hamza was alive and he had to hold that not-knowing in the same body he was using to calculate the timing and he held it with the specific discipline of a man who has been trained to hold incompatible things simultaneously, which is what the work had made him, which he was grateful for in that moment in the way you are grateful for things that cost you.
He detonated at the right moment.
Hamza survived.
The mission continued.
He has told this story to himself many times since. He has accessed every part of it: the locked door, the not-knowing, the waiting, the detonation. He has been precise about all of it. He has not been able to access the part where he finds out Hamza is alive — the specific physical fact of that relief, what it did to his body, whether it was grief or something adjacent to grief or simply the release of a tension that had been held at a specific pitch for a specific duration and was now permitted to come down.
He is not certain he has words for that part.He is not certain words are the right tool for it.
He moves on. He is very good at moving on.
[The foreign kingdom in the folktale is not a punishment. The prince arrives in disguise because the world that was supposed to hold him became hostile, and the disguise was survival. Disguise in the service of survival is not deception. It is the oldest form of intelligence work.
But the folktale's foreign kingdom is neutral about what the prince is underneath the disguise. The king weeps when he learns the truth. The wound was only concealment.
Lyari was not neutral.
Lyari had opinions. Lyari had men who made those opinions legible at tables and in rooms, in the specific kind of joke that establishes hierarchy while maintaining deniability. He sat at those tables. He heard every joke. He filed every joke. He smiled the particular smile that covers nothing while appearing to cover everything, and he passed the chai, and he was grateful — this is the word, grateful — that Hamza was in the room, because Hamza knowing was the thing that kept the prince from disappearing entirely into the gardener.
He sat in the house of men who would have put him out of it if they had known what language he thought in at 3am.
Malik Khorsheed hid his name.
He hid his name and his origin and his blood and his mother tongue and the mountains in the frame of a childhood window and the specific and irreducible fact of being Pathan in a room full of people who had decided, historically, specifically, what Pathans were.
The folktale was not built to contain this.
The folktale gives you concealment. It does not give you the particular violence of concealing the thing that makes you who you are in a room that would hate you for it. It does not give you Gulbaz smoothing the Pashto from his throat three tables away while you sit with your cover name and your filed observations and your mouth closed around the language you share.
This is the thing no briefing prepares you for and no commendation acknowledges: the cost of being underground in an enemy's city is not the danger. Danger has procedures. The cost is this.
The moving on.
The accumulated weight of all the filing and moving on over all the years.]
The city continued. The generators ran. The chai stalls were open. A child was kicking something down a lane too narrow for the sound to go anywhere except straight up. The city was having a morning the way it always had mornings — without ceremony, without registering that something had just ended inside it, without any awareness of what it had housed for years in its lanes.
He had been invisible so long that the invisibility had started to feel like the truth about him rather than a technique. This is the specific damage of years of cover work and it is not the damage the briefings address. The briefings address the obvious damage. The other kind — the slow replacement of the self with the cover, the gradual installation of the cover's reflexes where the self's used to be — this is the damage that does not surface in any assessment because the assessment cannot reach it, because by the time it is extensive enough to measure the person being assessed has become too skilled at covering to let the assessment find it.
He had Rizwan's reflexes now. Rizwan's read of a room. Rizwan's smooth cityless Urdu belonging to no one in particular.
His mother's language was still there. He checked. Below all of it. Still accessible. He visited it at 3am and found it and said his real name in it and put it away again.
He did not know how long this would be true.
He carried the diary six weeks before opening it. The interval is precise information about how a person manages something they cannot put down and cannot look at simultaneously. Six weeks is how long it took to find the internal stillness — not silence, Lyari has never had silence, but the internal kind you construct with effort inside the noise.
He opened it on a Tuesday.
The handwriting was small and pressed hard. He read three pages. He read about Punjab. About a family that had been held in trust while Jaskirat became Hamza, about a before that still existed, waiting, however painfully, however imperfectly.
He closed it.
He sat until the room changed quality around him.
He thought about his own before. The house facing the mountains. His mother's voice. Her hands — the shape of them visible, the details beginning to thin at the edges, the specifics being replaced by the impression of specifics. He is losing her in increments he did not consent to. This is what the years do. Nobody puts it in the contract because the contract cannot hold everything the work actually takes.
He thought about Jaskirat. He thought about Punjab waiting. He thought: even his grief has an address.
He thought: mine has a language nobody in this city speaks.
He thought: I have been keeping it alone for years.
[The black foal, in the end, gets to carry the prince home. It has held the real identity through the whole disguise. It has been the one witness. And when the truth is spoken and the recognition is complete, it carries the prince back to where he came from.
Not every foal gets to make that journey.
Hamza went home.
I keep saying this because it is the precise shape of the wound. Hamza went home in the direction of his real name, toward the people who know it, into the life that was held in trust. He has the problem of return, which is a real problem, which will break him in specific ways and remake him in others. But there is a door. The door exists.
Rizwan has the problem of remaining.
This is the distinction that does not appear in any briefing or assessment or commendation file. The distinction between the person who goes home and has to navigate the re-entry, and the person who does not go home yet, who keeps being the cover in the in-between, whose in-between has no clear end date, whose cover name is doing more and more of the work that used to be shared with the real one.
Malik Khorsheed got forty days of feasting and a flying horse and a father weeping in the palace gardens.
He gets Tuesdays. The diary. The hands that know a city he is leaving in the specific way that you know something you will not return to — completely, with the knowledge sitting in the body permanently, unreturnable. The real name, in the language nobody here speaks, in a room inside himself that he visits deliberately, carefully, because the passage has grown unfamiliar and he knows what it means when familiar things become unfamiliar and he is not ready to know that about this.
He is a Pathan who spent years in a Baloch city, in the house of men who would have put him out of it for the language in the back of his throat, doing work that required him to bury the first true thing about himself.
He has no other option and he has not run out of the patience for it, and this is the only ending this version of the story has: not the feast, not the father, not the flying horse home.
He is the foal.
Just the foal in the garden of a city that was never his, hands in the wrong soil, still knowing — with complete precision, with the certainty of a man who has lost almost everything except this one thing — exactly what he is underneath the dirt.]
Sometimes at the wink of night he thinks to himself —
Am I the foal or simply the prince refusing to leave because of the timing?
Do what you will with this.
fin.
author note: This one was strange to write.
Rizwan is a relatively minor character compared to Jaskirat , which meant I had far less material to work with than I usually do. But the moment I came across the story of Malik Khorsheed, the parallel lodged itself in my brain and refused to leave.
The more I thought about it, the more interested I became in the person who doesn't get the ending the folktale promises. So this ended up becoming less of a character study and more of a literary analysis disguised as one.
If you choose to read it that way, you're probably not wrong.
I could have pointed out my favourite lines, but everything was so emotional! Especially Jaskirat and his friendship- no, their recognition of parallel weights! And I did not miss the references from Jaskirat's Rakhi headcannon/fic.
Rizwan remains a severely unsung hero!
Kudos to @writrsblu for paralleling such folk tales so amazingly!
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Uzair Baloch x reader
Summary- Crackfic hai boss, with fluff ka tadka🤪
Warning- Pure Uzair fluff! For a change, he is flirty and not bhondu
Hello, Hello 🎤
Mike Testing
1, 2, 3...
So I wanted to surprise my second child on Tumblr, the incredible @mainyahaankyunhoon. Girlie is just about tolerating the excessive heat while slaying exams, managing stress, dealing with her dean, keeping up with Tumbr and Instagram and what not 😭😭😭
So I decided to go ahead and write this fic for her, based on her idea🤓
My first child @roses-and-iron helped proof reading this, suggesting a title worthy of such a crackfic. I swear you guys, you have no idea how COOL Nini is🥹
Also beating my wifey @twinblueflamee as it seems I have more self-control as this fic is less than 5K words😼🙂↔️🙂↕️
To any of you who don't like it- I am sorry!
To anyone who likes it- It is a labor of Love and Chai Mocha drip⏰️
To all the writers- You guys are incredible! Seriously, the mehnat should be loved and appreciated🫶🫶🫶
To all people on Tumblr- The world is a shitty place. Let girlies live a little more on this platform without being Judged🫂
The tranquility of the lazy Sunday afternoon at Baloch Haveli was rudely interrupted by an angry yet firm voice. You were stopped at the gate by two men, one who looked like a Sumo wrestler on diet while the other looked as if he overdid the fake freckles trend.
‘Mujhe Uzair Baloch se milna hai’ you repeated, your tone as calm and indifferent as it could be when dealing with henchmen of dreaded gangsters.
‘Are par aap hai kon?’ the bald man asked, looking unimpressed
‘Aap mujhe andar jaane de warna main chillaungi’ you threaten only for him and the other guy to snicker at you.
‘Dekhe bibi aap andar aise nahi jaa sakti’ he says, speaking to you as if you were a child with questionable comprehension skills.
‘Waise bhi nahi jaa sakti bhai, aapka 4×4 mini truck jaisa badan beech mein jo khada hai’ you spit out
‘Agar aapne mujhe andar jaane se roka toh main yaha Jamali sahab ko bulaungi’
‘Mere mamu hai woh’ you say as a matter-of-fact, even though the statement is a lie. They look at you. Dressed in your most expensive lawn suit, with black spherical frame nestled on your equally round face, you made an extra effort to look dignified and posh considering you were going to confront a member of the Baloch family.
The name Jamali does the trick and the fake freckles guy leads you to the porch where Rehman Dakait is sitting with his wife Ulfat Baloch. They were watching their sons play football while enjoying a cup of chai. You stood in front of them, sweat beading at your forehead. You reminded yourself why you were here and you were not leaving till you got what you wanted.
You clear your throat and address the man who was now looking at you with curiosity.
‘Rehman bhai ab aap hi meri kuch madad kar sakte hai. Uzair miyan se koi rabata nahi ho raha.’
Rehman stands up and addresses you ‘Kya baat hai? Batao’
‘Mujhe insaaf chahiye. Hone wale bacchon ke liye’
Rehman and Ulfat blurt in unison ‘Kya?’
‘Ji. Aise iss halat mein akela kaise chod sakte hai woh? Kal main factory gayi toh woh waha nahi the. Aaj unhe cheel chowk pe uss tanker jaise aadmi ke saath dekha. Maine awaaz bhi di toh bhi unhone ne suna hai. Aise kon karta hai bhala?’
Ulfat, the angel that she is, walked towards you ‘Tum pehle baith jao. Pani piyogi?’
You were taken aback by her warm and gentle nature.
‘Shukriya’ you gulp the glass of water handed to you by a househelp. The kids saw the serious exchange and stood near the cars to eavesdrop.
You continue ‘Aapko toh aaj kal ke haalat ka pata hi hai. Iss mehengai mein main akeli kaise yeh zimmedari uthau. Kya unka koi farz nahi banta?’
Rehman looks at Ulfat, who in turn is glaring at him. ‘Baat toh sahi keh rahi ho par humara Uzair itna laaparwah nahi. Pata nahi kya ho gaya?’
‘Unhe zimmedari ka bojh nahi uthana shayad’ you reply
As if on clue, the devil makes an appearance. Dressed in navy blue kurta and jeans, he looked more like a vintage movie star than the feared gangster that Lyari spoke of in hushed tones.
‘Tum yaha kya kar rahi ho?’ he asks, irritation evident in his voice.
‘Aapse milne aayi thi par aap hai ki mujhe taal rahe hai’
Uzair notices Ulfat looking at him in anger while Rehman has disappointment written all over his face
‘Uzair yeh sab kya hai?’
Uzair lets out a choppy breath, the forced air ruffling hair falling on his forehead.
‘Bhai yeh ladki pagal hai!’
‘Ha ha main hi pagal hu! Aapse kitne baar kaha tha maine ke yeh sab galat hai par aapne meri ek na suni’ you reprimand him, reminding him of all the times you asked him to mind his lane.
‘Aur toh aur jab kaha ke aise kisi ke ghar ki deewar kudke aana acchi baat nahi toh kehte the yeh sab toh fitrat hai, tum apni khidki theek se bandh rakho’
‘Ab dekho kya ho gaya. Ab bacchon ki zimmedari kon uthayega?’
Uzair is perplexed while Rehman and Ulfat are shocked.
‘Bacche? Kitne hai?’ Ulfat asks in a gentle tone
‘Pata nahi par 2 toh hai hi. 3 ya chaar bho ho sakte hai’ you reply
Rehman was embarrassed while Ulfat was taken aback ‘Kaise?’
‘Aap toh aise bol rahi hai jaise yeh koi anokhi baat hai’ you look at the three of them who are wearing shock, surprise and embarrassment as facial accessories. Behind, you hear the Sumo wrestler whisper something to the tanker, both giggling like school kids
You turn to them ‘Yaha kya comedy circus chal raha hai? Itni hassi kyu aa rahi? Serious baat chal rahi yaha!’
You turn to look at Uzair but Rehman clears his throat ‘Kya chahiye tumhe?’
Finally! Someone asking the real question
‘Muafza aur dekh bhaal. Aur bacche hone pe equal zimmedari’
He immediately replies ‘Theek hai. Par tumhe bhi toh dhyan rakhna chahiye tha’
‘Rehman bhai, main akeli kitna khayal rakhu. Inhe toh parwah hi nahi. “Jo hoga dekha jayega” yeh attitude hai inka’ you huff in annoyance.
‘Isse toh main baad mein dekhta hoon par tum chahti ho toh bacche hone tak yaha ruk sakti ho. Uske baad bhi yaha reh sakti ho.’
You interrupt him, horrified at the suggestion ‘Nahi warna inka billa meri billi ko aur tang karega’
Rehman and Ulfat are confused. It is the tanker who asks ‘Billa? Billi?’
You turn around to look at him. ‘Ha. Yeh dekhiye’ saying so you fetch your beautiful, green eyed indie cat from the wicker basket.
‘Meri pyari Razia Sultan. Kya haalat kar di inke Pele ne’
Rehman turns to Uzair ‘Abbe, yeh Pele kon hai?’
Before Uzair could reply, you fill him in. ‘Are inka woh mota billa. Factory mein rehta hai. Loafer saala chindi aashiq. Fenke hue chicken se meri Raziya ko behla fusla ke maa bana diya.’
‘Naam bhi kitna behuda ashleel hai’ you say under your breath.
‘Aye ladki woh bohot bade footballer ka naam hai. Tameez se’ Uzair charges at you, as if you had just called him a slur.
‘Par aapka billa toh badtameez hai. Jahil, playboy!’ you throw the unsolicited character certificate at him.
Everybody breaks out into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, leaving Uzair and you confused and irritated.
Ulfat finally calms a bit, speaking in between her laughing fit, ‘Are tum fikar mat karo. Tumhari billi… Raziya ki dawai ka kharcha aur bacchon ki dekh rekh Uzair dekhega’
‘Ji pura nahi par aadha hissa. Baki meri Raziya ke liye aadha kharcha main uthaungi’ you say with pride of being a self made woman.
‘Bohot pyari ho tum. Kya naam hai aur kaha rehti ho?’ asks Ulfat.
‘Main Y/n Gillani. Yehi paas mein rehti hoon’
You notice before anyone else how Ulfat’s expression changes from one of amusement to that of sympathy and maybe a bit of pity. ‘Tum Harris Gillani ki beti ho na?’
‘Ji. Mujhe der ho rahi hai, main chalti hoon Baji. Salaam Rehman bhai’
Not wanting to engage in a conversation that could potentially make you uneasy, you decide to bolt from there.
All this is noticed by Uzair who is now intrigued more than irritated. You had first entered his workspace over two months ago to complain about his stray cat harassing her pet.
Ever since then, he has seen you arguing, fighting, giving it back without any fear or inhibitions. But today, at the mention of your father, he saw vulnerability. The sadness that crept into your eyes, disturbed him as he had always seen them lit with a vivacious spark. Seeing the sudden change in your mood unsettled him, making him wonder whether the teasing and the arguments were a way for him to keep you in his life a bit longer. He looks at your retreating form, determined to solve this mystery.
Next morning you open your door to cat food and neonatal supplies. These would cover at least two months of the pregnancy.
You settle your fur baby in her new comfortable nesting box and coo ‘Meri Raziya. Billa aur Bille ka baap bhale jahil ho par khaandan accha hai’
────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ────── ────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ──────
‘Uzair mere saath chaloge?’ Ulfat asks Uzair on a Saturday, dressed up to step out.
‘Kaha bhabhi?’
‘Woh bazaar mein kaam hai aur saath Y/n ko milke bhi aayenge. Aakhir samdhan hai tumhari!’ she laughs.
His family and friends had made it a point to tease him mercilessly, reminding him of the eventful Sunday evening and the consequences.
‘Bhabhi aap bhi!’ Uzair mutters, the blush painting his cheeks red as he later understood how everyone had assumed it was you two who were the expecting parents.
Ulfat’s eyes softened seeing Uzair blush. ‘Mazzak tha. Bechari itna pyari bacchi aur itna dukh’ she sighed, the words feeling heavy.
‘Uski ammi ka inteqal hue barson beet gaye. 6 mahine pehle abbu bhi chal base. Bhai Islamabad mein hai par koi rabata nahi. Iske abbu ke janaze pe bhi nahi aaya.’
Uzair’s heart broke for you. The realisation of the pain you silently carried, the strong persona you were forced to project at all times made him see you in a different light.
‘Akeli hai bechari. Mrs Faraz ke yaha kaam karti hai. Bohot tareef karti hai woh iske designs ki’
Hearing someone praise you brought in a sense of pride, making him smile. He always wondered how one woman could be so indifferent to others yet turn into a gentle kind soul for the helpless. It is then that he realized what he felt for you was more than admiration.
Ulfat and Uzair arrive at Mrs Faraz's boutique, surprising you and the other staff members. Ulfat specifically asks for your assistance. You begin showing her around while painfully aware of the six foot two inch guy shamelessly staring at you.
You pick out a black sharara and hand it Ulfat. ‘Baji, yeh aape bohot accha lagega’
Ulfat looks at the material and smiles at you.
‘Pack kar do. Aur baki ke 4 suit bhi pack kar dena’
‘Zaroor!’ you beam at her, making your way to the billing desk. You pack the stuff and hand it to Ulfat.
‘Yeh lijiye’
Uzair steps forward, taking the bags and brushing your hands in process. You look at him expecting this touch to be an accident. Instead, you see him grinning at you.
Ulfat sees this and soon bids you goodbye, leaving Uzair to settle the bill.
He hands you the money and bends down to whisper ‘Tumpe yeh peela rang bohot accha lagta hai. Par laal rang zyada jachega.’
His voice makes your little heart flutter. You turn away quickly, not noticing the way his eyes were mapping your curves.
Ever since that day he started becoming more and more obvious, not hiding his intentions and definitely not letting you escape him.
He was invariably near your workplace before and after your shift. Your colleagues had now started teasing you, making you cringe hard. It got so bad that you literally felt like hitting them on their heads with a bat to restructure their brain.
By day four you had had enough. You make your way to his jeep to give him an earful.
‘Aapko ladies wear mein dilchaspi abhi hui hai ya yeh shaukh pehle se hi hai’ you ask him, only for the tanker aka Hamza to laugh and disappear into the crowd.
Uzair straightens up and leans towards you. ‘Mujhe kapadon mein nahi par inhein banane wali mein dilchaspi hai’
Was he flirting with you?
‘Toh main kal Rumana khala ko aapse milwa dungi. Wohi silai karti hai. 70 saal ki hai par jodi theek lagegi’ you reply with no emotion. However, his flirty smile was making your head spin.
‘Tumhare kehne pe toh main goli bhi kha lu meri jaan, yeh khaala ko patana toh bohot choti baat hai’
Flustered, you begin reprimanding him
‘Dekhiye..’
‘Dekh raha hoon’ he says, staring at you, specifically your lips.
You huff ‘Zyada free hone ki zaroorat nahi. Main aapke type ki ladki nahi hu’
He sighs, ‘Pata hai! Isiliye puch raha ke main tumhare type ka kaise banu?’
‘Jahannam jaake. Ajeeb aafat hai!’ You turn back irritated. He honks his car horn making you turn back to look at him. You glare at him to which he puts his hand on his heart, falling back on the car.
Such a drama queen!
He became more obvious, emboldened by the fact that you did nothing to push him away. He made sure to turn up at the tea stall you frequented, never letting you have your favorite chai in peace.
‘Lyari mein aur koi chai ki dukaan nahi ke idhar aa jaate hai baar baar’ you say as soon as he slides next to you, painfully close.
‘Hai par yaha jitni meethi chai kahi nahi’ he says, too close for your comfort.
You shift a bit farther, ‘Itna meetha khayenge toh diabetes ho jayegi’
‘Tum kaho toh aaj se meetha kya sab chod du’
‘Mera peecha chod de’ you reply
‘Are ab toh hamara rishta hai. Ha par mujhe kuch khaas pasand nahi woh. Raziya ki ammi, kaisa rahe agar main Raziya ka abbu ban jau?’
You cough your chai, taken aback by his shameless proposal. ‘Jaisa billa waisa baap. Jahil! Besharam! Behaya!’
‘Kitna pyaara bolti ho. Aur bolo, accha lag raha’
‘Joota naya hai warna fek ke maarti’
‘Apne haathon se maar do, yuhi marr jaunga’
You leave from there, running, making sure that no one sees the crimson tint on your flushed cheeks.
────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ────── ────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ──────
Today was rather a somber day where you didn't feel like interacting with anyone.
Strangely enough, Uzair somehow understood your emotional state just by looking at your face.
‘Aaj please mujhe pareshan mat karna’ you pleaded as you stood in front of him post your shift.
‘Ghar chod du?’
‘Ha’
He drives you to your home quietly. You look out of the window to will the tears away. It was your brother's birthday and you had called him thrice to wish him. However, to no surprise, he did not receive the call, nor did he attempt to call you back. Sometimes you wonder if it was your destiny to be alone. Otherwise, how could you explain why your brother, your only living relative in this world, wouldn't want to keep in touch with you. Why was life so mean to you?
Uzair stops the car outside your small house. ‘Andar aau?’ he asks
‘Theek hai’ you reply as you wanted him to be close to you. His presence made you feel warm and protected. Something you stopped feeling since your father's death.
You both enter the house to see Pele sleeping next to Raziya. You sigh looking at the two cats.
‘Chai piyoge?’ you ask Uzair, unable to meet his gaze.
‘Ha’
You hand him a steaming cup of tea, while you take yours and turn towards the window to wrestle with your feelings in peace.
His voice pulls you out from your gloomy thoughts.
‘Mere abbu bohot acche the. Imaandar the. Transportation ka business tha. Ammi bohot pyari thi par usoolon ki pakki thi. Khush the hum. Par phir jo hua woh toh puri Lyari janti hai.’
You turn to look at him as he continues ‘Rehman bhai ne mujhe apnaya aur bhabhi ne apne dil mein jagah di. Naieem aur Faisal bhi bohot pyaar karte hai mujhse. Ammi Abbu ki kami aaj bhi hai par pyaar ki kami nahi’
He walks towards you taking the teacup from your hand and placing it on the side table. He takes your hands in his, forcing you to look at him.
‘Yeh sab main isiliye keh raha hoon taki tum apne aap ko ijazat do. Agar khudko aur dusron ko mauka nahi dogi toh tumhe tumhare hisse ka pyaar kaise milega?’
The gentleness in his voice and the impact of his words are enough to break you down completely. Before you know, tears start rolling down your face as your carefully built guard comes down. You crumple in his arms, tears straining his jacket. You keep crying and crying, the little girl in you tired and exhausted at being strong. For the first time in months, someone acknowledged your fears, assuring you that you're not alone.
After a while Uzair whispers teasingly ‘Rona bandh karo warna Raziya mujhe nakhun maregi ke “Mere ghar mein ghuske, meri ammi ko rulayega, himmat kaise hui iski”’
Unable to help yourself, you giggle into his chest, ‘Meri Raziya shareef hai’
‘Ha bilkul tumhari tarah’ his voice comes out gruff as you take in the way your body melts against his. You look up at him, his brown eyes turning obsidian with desire.
His eyes move down to your lips.
‘Can I?’ he asks, only for you to move forward and plant your lips on his.
And thus began your life with Uzair Baloch. If he was irritating before, he is insufferable now. Despite telling him not to treat you like his girlfriend, the man showed up everyday at your doorstep to drop you to work and returned home with you every evening for ‘Chai’ which would invariably lead to you two making out on the couch. Sundays were spent with him, Naieem and Faisal at the bowling alleys or games zone. They had started calling you Chachi! You pretend to cringe at it but secretly love it too much.
Tanker aka Hamza addressed you as bhabhi, while his other gang members averted their gazes as soon as you were in their line of sight.
Uzair as a boyfriend was 100/10. He was calm and patient with you during the initial days of your ‘Relationship.’ You tried to put your worst behavior forward, wanting him to ditch you before things got serious. You indulged in petty things like getting mad at him at every occasion, not answering his calls, leaving messages at seen, making him wait for hours on a chai date, unbothered and nonchalant about it. He was not only composed but had a flirty retort for everything.
But this facade broke the day you heard there was a shoot involving Uzair and rival gang members. You ran to the hospital expecting the worst. Instead you found him outside the hospital, smoking as if everything was normal. Relieved, you hugged him tight and let your tears flow freely. That day you decided to give up the act and admit to yourself that you were indeed truly, madly in love with Uzair Baloch!
Still, you had your days where you tried to get on his nerves. Like today. Leaning against his car, you saw him carrying the beautiful vibrant red rose bouquet in his hands. Your heart did a merry little dance but you quickly composed yourself.
Instead of irritation, his eyes had a knowing glint. ‘Pata hai. Mujhe pasand hai so main le aaya. Ab phoolwale ko toh bol nahi sakta na ke yeh ajeeb shaukh hai mere!’
You couldn't help but laugh at this. He looks at you lovingly, noticing you wearing red kurti and beige palazzo.
‘Maine kaha tha na…Laal tumpe zyada jachta hai’
────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ────── ────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ──────
Weeks went by and finally Raziya gave birth to 5 kittens.
‘Mubarak ho 5 bacche hue hai’ you wish Uzair as soon as he enters your home, with Pele in his arms. Naieem and Faisal had also tagged along to see the fur babies. The litter had 2 females and 3 males. You ask Faisal to name them, which in hindsight was a mistake as boys got named after footballers- Zizou, Bex and Ibra. One kitten was named after his favorite dessert Rabdi while the other one got a sane name- Fiza. Wait, wasn't Faisal's classmate named Fiza?
A week went by in a wink. The kittens were growing stronger and louder. Pele had ditched the dusty factory and taken up residence at your home becoming your ‘Ghar Jamai’. The family of 7 lay fast asleep after an uneventful day.
As Uzair lay sprawling on the couch with you in his arms, he started stroking your bare arms, whispering in a low voice, ‘Accha suno. Woh main soch raha tha- Pele bhi idhar rehta hai. Bacche bhi chotte hai. Tumhe bhi roz kaam pe jaana hota hai..’
Clueless to where this was going, you lift your head from his chest and look at him, ‘Toh?’
He continues, albeit nervously, ‘Toh kyu na Raziya aur bacche aur tum mere ghar aa jao’
You start laughing, considering he is kidding.
‘Pagal ho gaye hai kya’ you say in a merry tone but your laughter quickly vanishes when you see him staring at you with dead serious intensity. He isn't joking!
You think about his statement for a few seconds and finally reply, ‘Hmmm soch sakte hai.’
He smiles at your reply.
‘Socho aur jawab haa mein hona chahiye’ saying so he kisses your head as you both fall asleep in each other's arms.
────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ────── ────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ──────
Karachi rains were notorious. It would start with a drizzle and a few hours later the entire city would get flooded by gushing rain water.
During one such downpour, Uzair lands up at your door to check on you. With no electricity and very heavy rains, he wanted to whisk you to the lively comfort of theBaloch Haveli where you would be at ease. Why? Because he remembered your statement about being scared of thunder and darkness!
You open the door to a completely drenched Uzair, relieved at having some company in this scary weather. It was good that Faisal and Naieem had fetched the felines this morning to look after them over the weekend. Poor babies would have been scared here. You drag Uzair inside and fetch a towel to dry his hair. But he has a different plan as he pulls you on his lap, kissing you senseless.
You break the kiss- hot, bothered and gasping for air.
‘Aap mera fayda uthana chahte hai?’
His hands grip your waist tighter, pulling you closer, your body plastered against his.
‘Nahi! Main toh keh raha hu tum mera fayda uthao’ he breathes in your face to carry on worshiping you with his hands, body and lips.
Ever since then, Uzair and you became borderline shameless. He would turn up at home during wee hours, knocking at your door in the afternoon on your days off, taking you out for long drives that had very little to do with the driving part of it. Hell, he even dropped Pele Raziya and their litter at Hamza's one day as you insisted that ‘Bacchon ke hote hue koi ashleel harkatein nahi hogi’
But as all good things ran their course, your happy bliss with Uzair was now at the dead end. It seemed so to you atleast. You started throwing up, turning repulsive to food and fragrance, tired and irritated all the time. You even lashed out on poor Zizou l, making him curl at your feet for forgiveness. The sight of the kitten staring at you with sorry eyes made you cry like a baby. Your fur babies were too kind so they behaved well for a day at least. Even Pele didn't bother you.
In the meantime, you stopped answering Uzair's calls, turning blind eye to his messages and ceased going to work for a few days. You made a quick trip to the doctor to confirm your doubt.
As you made your way back home, you saw Uzair sitting at your doorstep, looking angry and restless. But the moment he saw your slumped tired form, his protective instincts took over. You opened the door, slumping on the couch with him following you.
‘Kya baat hai Y/n. Na mera phone utha rahi ho, na mere messages ka jawab diya aur na kaam pe bhi nahi jaa rahi ho. Ghar ka darwaza bhi nahi khol rahi thi mere liye. Hua kya hai?’
The gentleness in his voice got to you and you burst out crying. He sits beside you, lifting you from the couch to place you in his lap. His hands start soothing your back as you ugly cry into the crook of his neck. After a while your tears slow down, as you realise you needed to come clean now.
‘Maine kuch kaha? Kuch kiya maine? Bolo naa’
You try speaking in between sobs, ‘Uzair, main…aap… main’
‘Kya hua jaan?’
Unable to speak, you fetch the medical file and hand it to him, expecting him to get mad at you.
‘Sach?’ he asks, his voice laced with wonder. You just nod in affirmation.
‘Toh ismein rone wali kya baat hai?’
‘Mujhe laga aap gussa honge. Darr lag raha tha kahi aapne isse…’ you start crying again.
‘Meri jaan rona bandh karo pehle. Please.’
‘Main bohot khush hoon. Maine toh bhai bhabhi se humare Nikkah ki baat bhi kar li hai. Woh iss itwar aane wale the. Khair ab hum itwar ko Walima rakhenge. Agar tum chaho toh’
You look up at him to see him happy and hopeful about the future. Nikkah? Walima? Your head started spinning
‘Uzair’
He beats you to it by asking you a very important question.
‘Nikkah karogi mujhse, Raziya aur mere hone wale bacche ki Ammi?’
Overwhelmed at the series events that transpired in last 1 hour, the emotional roller coaster and the cuteness of his proposal, your wacky hormones make you kiss him before you say ‘Haa’
‘I love you meri jaan’
‘I don't hate you Uzair’
He laughs at this, the joy in his voice and the spark in his eyes warming your heart
‘I love you Uzair’ you whisper, finally saying the words out loud.
‘Finally!’ he says with a mock sigh.
You laugh as you settle in his arms.
You quip at him ‘Billa meri beti pata le gaya aur Baap mujhe’
────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ────── ────── ❀•°❀°•❀ ──────
Bonus
Rehman and Ulfat are staring at you two while Naieem and Faisal are busy dragging the kittens and their belongings.
Ulfat finally addresses you ‘Yeh sab kya hai Y/n? Aur iss baar Muafza aur dekh bhaal chahiye ya Uzair se kaam chala logi?’
Embarrassed at her teasing tone, you plead her to stop.
‘Bhabhi please’
Rehman puts his hand around Ulfat.
‘Rehne do Ulfat. Bas Allah se dua karo ke humare yaha ek saath 5 bacche na aaye. Ek ek karke aaye, chalega’
You are too embarrassed to speak while Uzair looks smug at the suggestion.
Oh how he looked like a cat that got the desired cream!
PS- using @mainyahaankyunhoon ka taglist as I didn't know who to tag. Dotn't worry about me bothering you all with unnecessary tags in future as I might not post a Fic again
Before Uzair could reply, you fill him in. ‘Are inka woh mota billa. Factory mein rehta hai. Loafer saala chindi aashiq. Fenke hue chicken se meri Raziya ko behla fusla ke maa bana diya.’
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 If I would've been pele I would've cried
‘Naam bhi kitna behuda ashleel hai’ you say under your breath.
‘Aye ladki woh bohot bade footballer ka naam hai. Tameez se’
Do I look like igaf?
‘Par aapka billa toh badtameez hai. Jahil, playboy!’ you throw the unsolicited character certificate at him.
LMFAOOO 😭😭😭
‘Aapko ladies wear mein dilchaspi abhi hui hai ya yeh shaukh pehle se hi hai’ you ask him, only for the tanker aka Hamza to laugh and disappear into the crowd.
Clock ittt🤏🤏🤏
‘Dekhiye..’
‘Dekh raha hoon’ he says, staring at you, specifically your lips.
😳😳😳😳
He sighs, ‘Pata hai! Isiliye puch raha ke main tumhare type ka kaise banu?’
You're just like your father is not an insult anymore - it's a flirting mastercalss now☝️☝️☝️
Faizal and fiza are my OTP😭😭☝️ the rizz and yearning Faizal and pele inherited are from none other than Uzair Baloch.
‘Aap mera fayda uthana chahte hai?’
‘Nahi! Main toh keh raha hu tum mera fayda uthao’ he breathes in your face to carry on worshiping you with his hands, body and lips.
RESPECTFULLY KNOCK ME UP SIR IM ON MY KNEES FOR YOU😭😭😭🥵
You quip at him ‘Billa meri beti pata le gaya aur Baap mujhe’
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
In the end - conclude with ki pele ki koi galti nahi hai- jaisa malik waisa billa- dono mein se kisi ko zikro gilaf use karne ka salika nahi hai😂😏
I LOVE YOU SM YOU ARE THE BESTTEESSSSTTTTT EVERRRR I CANT WAIT TO HAVE KY UNIVERSITY FINALS TO BE PAMPERED LIKE THIS BY YOU @obsessedwidskincare and @twinblueflamee 😋😋😋😋😚😚😚😚😚
Trigger warning: graphic description of what the OC feels during the terror attack scene. To reiterate; I despise all those terrorists and in no way am I condoning or glorifying their deeds and I hope they burn in hell for all eternity.
Another trigger warning: slight su*cidal thoughts. You'll understand in context but warning nonetheless.
—————————————————————————
They stay in contact.
The next time they meet, is two days before the attack.
Afsana, having been tracking Mir and Iqbal constantly, had reported to Aalam and Hamza that the two slippery bastards were meeting the Khanani brothers soon and they seemed too excited for it to be a simple meeting.
On the day of the attack, Afsana is the last one to reach there. She'd been to Hyderabad for an educational conference, and Iqbal had called her back to Khanani brothers' warehouse by the evening. Something urgent and something that she'll love, he'd said.
She walks in through the doors just as Javed Khanani recieves Rehman at the door of the warehouse, the silence of the night being an ominous spectator to the rising amount of excitement in the bastards and dread in Hamza and Afsana.
"You're late, Afsana bi!" Javed Khanani jokes, one hand still on Rehman's shoulder. "Iqbal Sahab was disappointed that you couldn't make it in time."
Afsana smiles at him, almost indulging,"Getting out of commitments is not as easy for some of us as it is for you, Javed Miyan."
His smile falters for a moment before he carries on, gushing to Rehman about the show they've missed, ignoring Uzair and Hamza's snorts.
She walks into the room right after Rehman, pausing slightly at the sight in front of her.
Her heart seizes.
Iqbal, Mir, Khananis, David, Bhuttovi, Cheema.
This is not the crowd she expected.
Fuck.
She can feel her shoulders trembling as she hears Bhuttovi congratulate Rehman on the quality of the guns and ammunition, how he thinks Gazwa-e-Hind will start from Mumbai.
Iqbal turns to greet them, pulling Rehman in a half hug and shifting a satellite phone in his hands to give her a respectful aadab.
He nods at Rehman to take a seat and pulls out a chair between himself and Rehman,"Afsana Sahiba, aaiye. Hindustani sarkar aur uski nakamiyabi dekhiye."
With her legs shaking, hidden by her grey anarkali, Afsana moves, sitting between the two men with a murmur of thanks and a passing smile at Iqbal.
The news channels start taking about he details, recapping the events and revealing the place of the police and the army men. Footages move, blurry and clear alike, and the headlines scream at her like they're blaming her for this, for her incompetence, for her inability to predict this.
So many dead already.
The terrorist is a veritable boy against her age, carrying a gun like it's his destiny.
Beside her, Iqbal is talking on the phone, guiding the boys.
Afsana tunes him out for a moment, crossing her knees and folding her shaking hands on her thighs, under her dupatta, to hide them from sight. Suddenly, Javed, Rehman and Iqbal chukle, as if they were sharing a drink after a victory.
"Rehman bhai, you've outdone yourself." Iqbal says, chuckling still, as he reaches for another satellite phone to give the boys another instruction. To kill every foreigner and Jew. The anchor on the TV again repeats the information, displaying the movements of the armed forces and Satyaa wants to strangle every media personnel there.
Why are they showcasing this, why are they helping Iqbal, why are they making it easy?
Bhuttovi calls out, almost playfully, "Kamaal hai, Afsana Sahiba, hum udhar aag laga rahe hai aur yaha aap dupatte mein chip rahi hai."
She raises an eyebrow of her own at him, stepping into the careless body language of her uncle, whom Jaskirat killed six years ago.
"Ab aap November ke mahine mein AC chalayenge toh Hindustan mein lagi hui aag se humein kya hi farak padega, Bhuttovi sahab?"
He laughs, convinced by her lie, and immediately gestures at another man, who increases the temperature of the AC.
She dips her head in a nod of gratitude.
"More than eighty people are dead." The anchor says. "Several hundred were injured."
Another anchor speaks,"Forty hostages were taken."
Before Afsana can come out of her stupor, before she can feel blood running back in her numb hands, a bomb blasts on the screen.
Afsana physically jolts and immediately looks at her right, where Rehman too, had startled just as she did, albeit at a lesser reaction.
Her cover isn't blown. Thank god thank god—
Why? Why thank him when there are people dying, why thank him when she can hear sirens, why thank him when the gunshots echo in her ear through the telecast?
She'd rather she blow her cover here and die but she's no use dead, she needs to be useful, she needs to help, she needs to help Jaskirat, she can't help her country but she can help Jaskirat, she needs to stay alive she needs to—
But she can't hear how many more are dead, why can't she hear them, they've been speaking constantly, they've been reporting to Iqbal constantly, giving him and the rest of them all the hints, why can't the anchors speak now, why have they stopped their reporting—
Oh.
Everyone is chanting.
She curls her numb fingers into a fist and chants with them. Her words pass through her throat but don't reach her ear, lost in the celebration of men who think blood and death are reasons to rejoice, who have no humanity in their darkned souls, who have no sense of morality left. They're no humans, the men around her and Jaskirat. They're demons, designed to spread destruction.
When Iqbal stands up to lead the chants, he leads them like he won a battle, like he personally felt the satisfaction of the blast.
As the rest of them chant, Iqbal grins down at her. "Ab toh tempreture thik hai na, Afsana Sahiba?"
She smiles at him,"Humara kitna dhyan rakhenge aap, Major sahab? Shukriya."
The pit in her stomach deepens with each syllable, every breathing brushing on her lungs like it's passing through a barrage of thorns, pulling her heart like it was a blackhole. She'd rather that she dies here, with her heart pumping too much and throwing her into a cardiac arrest, than see this. She'd rather she slit her own throat than see this.
It's her fault, it's her fault, it's her fault, it's her fault—
He smiles at her like along with his victory, her words are a point of pride. "We'd already taken away their intellect when you came to us, Afsana Sahiba," he says, sitting back down to guide the rest of the boys, looking at her like he's expecting a pat on the back,"Now, we take their security."
"Did they have any to begin with?" Mir laughs behind her and she's saved from answering the question, even as Iqbal laughs right alongside him and she has to pretend to hide a cheeky smile behind her hand.
They stay like that until the news telecasts go repetitive.
When everyone starts to disperse, Iqbal asks Rehman and Afsana to stay behind for tea.
Rehman refuses politely, saying something about an early morning audit that he has to do in his factory.
Afsana refuses, too,"Teen ghante drive karke aayi hun, Major Sahab. Aur subah ek online lecture bhi dena hai. Maaf kijiyega, iss baar nahi ruk paungi."
Iqbal pats Rehman's shoulder and smiles,"No worries. This party of ours will keep going on for some more time. We can have tea later."
It's almost dawn, the sky looks like spilled water from a mosaic painting, and she's been sitting here, curled up under the useless light, when Alam comes there, Jaskirat in tow.
"We passed on the intel." He says, gritting his teeth and almost growling,"Got it there before time. Then how the hell did this happen?" He asks, almost crowding Alam.
Satyaa looks at the water below.
She feels filthy.
Wonders, if she could wash off the guilt and the horror if she dived.
If she didn't survive.
But her very soul feels stained, feels like it is darkened with the darkest of inks, with the reddest of blood.
Her unsalvagable soul isn't the concern here.
Jaskirat is telling them how he's the one who put the gun in the boy's hand, the one who was arrested. Kasab.
He sounds ruined, too.
He snarls that he wants to kill them all. Every one of those perpetrators.
"I can do it in an hour," Satyaa says, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears. "I have an open invitation there. I could wear a bomb under my dress and press the trigger when I go there. One try, and end them all."
Aalam, bless him, becomes the voice of reason even as Jaskirat snarls at her in a no, yelling that if anyone will kill them it'll be him and he'll do it one by one, make them regret it and make them beg.
Aalam forces them both to think again. Forces them to think about India, it's reputation and the repercussions of killing such big names without any proper back-up or false story to fall on.
He passes his book to Jaskirat and looks at Satyaa.
"Revenge can only be extracted if you stay alive." He repeats. "Your life means his motivation," he gestures at Jaskirat, ignoring the flash of surprise in her eyes that he's figured out that they mean something to each other. "Stay alive. Keep him alive. Keep our mission alive."
She nods.
Jaskirat looks at them, his eyes swollen and red but feline and dangerous. Determined.
The very next day, Hamza talks with Yalina, sweetly guiding her like an elder brother would guide his teenage Rebel of a sister. He tells her to reconcile with her father, so that she can make him pay for her medical studies and then leave for Isalamabad or Pindi or Lahore after her college. Make her own father her route of escape, in a way.
Jameel Jamali looks at him like he's a puzzle the older man can't solve and wants to throw it out before anyone can see the damage to his ego.
Yalina hugs him, tears in her eyes, a mutters her gratitude a dozen times just as Jameel agrees to let her go away to study medicine.
Hamza bargains: support in return of his daughter.
Jameel Jamali, who has known power for decades, knows that his support will hold a loaded gun, essentially. It will be upon Hamza to fire it wherever.
He agrees, with all the will of a snake in an eagle's talons. With all the unwillingness of a prey, stuck in the jaws of a predator.
Hamza knows Jamali is a snake that will try to bite back at any given opportunity. He also knows he's gotten too comfortable with his own claws and talons by now.
After Hamza and Jamali's agreement, Afsana sneaks into Hamza's house.
It's late at night and she's wearing a dupatta around her head to make sure no one recognises her and all she carries in the name of a weapon is the small knife she always hides in a holster around her waist, under her kurti.
When she walks into the small house and Hamza locks the door behind her, something in the very air shudders.
Satyaa removes the dupatta and throws it over the chair of the study table, putting her knife on the table as well, before she turns to Jaskirat, who is removing his combat boots, perfectly aligning them next to her heels.
They both run out of things to do instead of speaking.
When he turns towards her, Satyaa freezes again. Because this isn't a crowded room with a role to play. This isn't a public place with a fear of being overheard. This isn't still a charade, playing for another fellow countryman.
This is them, alone at last.
She doesn't know who moves first.
All she knows is in two strides she and Jaskirat are the in the middle of the room and she's in Jaskirat's arms.
Her face tucked against his chest, his heart beat echos in her ear like a drum and his arms wrap around her like bands of steel. Inescapable.
Satyaa only sighs in relief, the absolute vulnerability and surety of returning home after ages of being gone.
"Tujhe meri yaad nahi aati kya?" She makes a weak quip against his chest, her voice muffled. He doesn't smell like Jaskirat did. Jaskirat smelt like cheap sandalwood perfume and soil and shoe polish. Hamza smells like a woody attar and gunpowder and smoke. He's rewritten himself, just as Satyaa had. "Kabse bol rahi thi milne ko, ab Jaa ke time Mila hai?"
Jaskirat's hand cradles the back of her neck softly, like one would handle a child. Providing support and grounding her.
"Chup kar ja." He says, huffing slightly. "Yalina yaha thi aur bulau tujhe? Kya bolu, Lyari ka gunda ek international writer ko kaise janta hai?"
She tilts her head and grins at him,"Bolta na, sabse acche se janta hai."
"Sach mein?" He asks, smiling back, but there's an unlying layer of actual apprehension in his tone. He's asking if he still knows her best. If Satyaa is the same woman he knew like the back of his hand.
Satyaa wants to wrap him in the finest of silks so not even the friction of his cotton clothes would brush on the wounds he hides. She wants to hide him in her heart, under her ribs, where he would be safe. She wants to keep cradle his face with all the love in her heart and wants to press prayers on his brow.
She settles for bumping the crown of her head against his jaw and hiding her face in his neck, breathing his name again, hoping that the name alone would provide him with hope and safety and sanctuary.
Jaskirat sighs in her hair and she feels him rest his cheek against her head, almost sagging against her.
I adore you, she wants to say. I love you. Lean on me. I will take care of you. I want to re-learn you. I want to be remade by you. You're my home and I am so happy to be back again. I wish to be your home. My crook under the stairs has become an actual crook instead of a place. And I would still come to this crook to hide from the world.
"Main jhooth nahi bolti." Is all she says.
Jaskirat chuckles and presses his cheek against her hair again like he still understands what she doesn't say but can't quite believe it.
Afsana works hard to challenge the international narrative, claim that India's assumptions of the perpetrators of the attack being Pakistani are baseless and absolutely unfounded. Ahmed words with her, going on debate channels and claiming that Pakistan has no hand in this.
Six months pass in a storm of media, papers and meetings. India confers with the USA, Pakistan makes no moves to claim the attack, letting it shift on the terrorist organisation.
Afsana and Hamza are painstakingly careful, meeting once in a fortnight and only for ten minutes, only to exchange information and not warmth of assurances. The fact that they are alive and breathing has to be assurance enough.
(Aalam is sometimes confused by how easily Afsana and Hamza understand each other's plans and schemes. He chalks it up to the training academy.)
(He doesn't know that they've known each other's silences and sentences since ages unknown. Ever since they learnt the ways of the world and learnt to be each other's sword and shield alike, they've learnt each other first and then the language of the world.)
The chance comes on the night after Rehman and PAC are endorsed by Zarvari, Yalina's birthday celebration. Jamali goes all out, inviting everyone and giving them plus ones, arranging a banquet and a band and a dance. Yalina is turning 20. Her last year in Lyari, before she goes to Lahore to study medicine. Jameel wants to send his daughter away with loud memories that cover up his louder absences.
Yalina doesn't seem to care about it.
Hamza, who had joined the party earlier than most of Jamali's acquaintances on the behest of Yalina, constantly looms over in a corner, eyes fluttering around the room and watching who talks to whom. Yalina comes back to him every twenty minutes or so, offering him finger foods or just plain complaints about the guests and how she doesn't even know the majority of the guests.
He smiles and teases her, telling her that she's fluttering about so nervously only because her best friend is going to attend the party, the same best friend that she blatantly has feelings for.
Yalina elbows him ruthlessly but doesn't deny it, only pointing towards the entryway to draw his attention.
And fuck, is his attention absolutely drawn.
Afsana walks into the room, walking beside Iqbal, Mir and another man that Hamza recognises as Ahmed. She's wearing a completely plain maroon sharara, her golden and red dupatta being the center of attention, draped casually over one shoulder and looping through the opposite arm.
(Jaskirat remembers her wearing this exact shade of red when he was fifteen and she was seventeen and they, along with Jaskirat's sisters, went to watch a movie in the theatre for the first time. It's a lifetime ago. But she was so happy that day, even when Gurbaaz teased her about wearing the same colour as theatre seats, that Jaskirat cannot forget it.)
They stop on their way in, greeting Jameel Jamali. Iqbal and Mir are extremely casual, while it looks like Ahmed is just being introduced. Afsana looks at the man with thinly veiled annoyance.
She says something then, cool and detached, and Jameel freezes for a second before turning to Iqbal with an awkward laugh.
Across the room, when their eyes meet, she smirks at him.
Hamza winks back.
Their amusement is palpable in the air and Hamza feels much better about it even when he dodges Yalina's joking teasing about him falling for the writer.
Hours later, his good mood evaporates.
Iqbal laughs about India's inaction against the Mumbai attacks, Javed jokes that they have no spine. Hamza swallows the unease and listens, forcing his breaths to be normal and burning all of his reactions to ash.
He takes his opportunity as it presents itself and lies about the dates of Rehman's schedule, a plan already forming in his mind. He checks his watch subtly, noting the time and wondering if he can squeeze in a meeting with Afsana and Aalam bhai. They need to be in the loop too— Afsana to handle the ISI and Aalam to deliver the news.
Rehman Dakait had been someone Hamza was willing to not eliminate, for he had nothing Hamza could want. But his help with the attack and the death of over a hundred and fifty people on his hands made Rehman a target in Hamza's book.
Rehman had to be replaced, before he helped Iqbal again.
As soon as he sees Afsana walking towards the corner, Hamza breaks off from the table after claiming that he needs to use the washroom. When he walks past her, he brushes the back of his hand against hers, a silent command for her.
"Ji, Hamza?" She asks softly, keeping her back to the wall and letting her eyes flit around to room to ensure that no one catches them speaking.
Hamza leans down towards her and whispers,"Keep an eye on your friends, Afsana ji."
"What happened?"
Hamza leans even closer, keeping his eyes on the small scar peaking out of the fabric of her kameez at her right shoulder. The one that hadn't been there when—
"They're planning something worse. They—"
Hamza's sentence is interrupted by none other than Afsana, who puts her hands on his shoulders and leans up into him, breath hovering over his heart and the exposed skin of his chest.
Hamza's breath catches in his chest and the intake of his breath is audible. Loud, against the silence of her kajal lined eyes.
"Shush." She whispers, eyes flitting down before looking up at him again, expression completely changed from attentive to coy. "Rehman is looking towards us."
Some of Hamza pulls back for Jaskirat to surface, with absolute shock. "Aur ye tu exactly kya kar rahi hai mujhse dur jaane ki bajay?"
Afsana's smile curls just short of shy, a soft thing on her glossy lips. She pretends to fix his collar, pulling away some of his hair stuck against the column of his throat. The faintest touch of her fingertips on his pulse point makes his heart go haywire.
"Pulling away now would be suspicious. We have to keep pretending." she tells him, her hand returning to his shoulder. "He's still watching."
Hamza knows now that they've come too far away for him to take control of the plan now. He has to follow her lead. He presses forward, but he can't be as tactile as her, he can't. Hamza has only ever lived in a world full of people who give him weapons, consider his hands weapons and has always had blood coated on his hands. He doesn't want to touch something as sacred as her. Not in a room full of people they both want to kill at this moment.
"Afsana ji, are you sure you want to pretend that we're in a sordid affair? You," he raises one of his hands up to his chin and drops the other to his hip,"and me?"
Afsana chuckles and grabs both of his hands, lowering and raising them until they're at the same level, just at the height of his ribs. "Us, yes. It's the perfect cover, Hamza Sahab."
Her hands are soft against his calloused ones, her long nails pressing gently against his skin in the most pleasant way possible. It feels novel. Hamza hasn't had any tenderness or softness in his life since—
They both know since when.
And yet here she is, her thumbs rubbing circles on his knuckles. Her face softens and she lets her smile turn into an excited grin as she continues,"It's the best excuse for us to spend time together. I can tell everyone who listens that ever since I first saw you, I haven't been able to take my eyes off. This way, we can ensure privacy for us without suspicions."
"Tu pagal ho gai hai, aisa nahi lagta tujhe?" He whispers, a smile breaking out on his own face because of how excited she is.
Afsana throws her head back to laugh and shakes her head, whispering,"Tera hi asar hai."
He doesn't ask if Rehman is still watching them. As long as he doesn't ask that, she will keep holding his hands. And as long as she holds his hands, Hamza thinks she will pull him away from the depths of hell that they're both living in.
Aalam bhai thinks the idea to fake a relationship is risky but brilliant.
Hamza grumbles that ever since Afsana showed up, he's not the favourite anymore. To his mocking surprise, Aalam bhai unrepentantly agrees, because, in his words, Afsana isn't a bunch of anger issues wrapped in dark clothes.
When it's time to be serious, they all agree that Rehman needs to be replaced. Eliminated.
Because while Rehman is volatile and only cares now for political power, Uzair is still rough around the edges and has no penchant for politics, only a taste for violence. If Uzair replaces Rehman, Hamza is extremely sure that he can control Uzair's actions without any suspicions rising.
They agree with Hamza's plan.
On 9th of August, Rehman Dakait will die.
Hamza has already arranged a meeting with Jamali and SP Aslam.
"Are you sure it'll be fine, Hamza?" She asks him quietly as he's once again dropping her off to the secluded area where she's kept her car. "Agar Aslam ne dhokha de diya toh? Agar Jameel ne dhokha de diya toh?"
He slows the bike down a bit, letting it cruise over the gravel as smoothly as possible. "Such distrust isn't good for health, Afsana. Don't worry. Both of them have their own personal agendas in wanting Rehman gone. Jamali wants political power, and Aslam wants revenge. They won't turn against me."
"Not yet," she agrees in a grumbled tone. "But don't base the entire plan on their compliance."
Hamza hums thoughtfully, turning a corner. "Baat toh sahi hai. What do you think we should do?"
"Poison him. Not the one you're already thinking of, it's too slow."
True to her assumption, Hamza had already started thinking of the dimethyl Mercury. He shorts finally slowing down as her car comes into view. "Chuhe maarne ki dawa de fir?"
Afsana laughs, burying her face in his shoulder blades to muffle the sound. It vibrates through his clothes and spine, makes him shudder with the sheer irony of her laughing as they joke about killing a gangster in the middle of the night, in the area that he rules.
"Nahi, pagal." She murmurs as he draws to a stop, not even moving her face to look at her car. "Kaala hit hai na."
Hamza laughs outright, barely managing to put a hand on his mouth to muffle his own laughter. He's shaking with the effort to keep his voice at a minimum and Afsana only giggles harder against him at this.
Finally, when they both manage to control their laughs, Afsana climbs down from the bike.
She stands beside him for a still moment, grasping his forearm. "Pakka you'll be able to do this? You've spent half a decade—"
Jaskirat smiles at her winningly,"Fikar na kar itni, Sohni. I would have mourned the man, but I won't mourn the monster. Bas, jaunga aur wapas aa jaunga tere paas."
Despite them not having an audience for their charade to play, Satyaa leans over to press her forehead against his, squeezing the nape of his neck in quiet possession.
When Uzair spots Hamza smiling at his phone at dinner three days later, he teases Hamza immediately.
Rehman joins in, asking if the writer's texts were as intriguing as her articles.
Hamza blushes and pockets his phone, unwilling to admit that he was actually texting Afsana, who had been telling him about how his company is much more preferable to her than the idiots she's surrounded by at the meeting she's in.
By the end of the week, everyone in Lyari knows that the gangster and the writer are a thing.
It doesn't help that once Afsana is back from Lahore, she heads to Lyari instead of her apartment in Karachi. It doesn't help that they're both spotted at Aalam's doodh soda shop, sharing a falooda and a fruit dish that Aalam makes just for Hamza, because the older man has a huge soft spot for his ex-employee, even if he doesn't admit it.
The charade doesn't feel like a charade when seeing her becomes the only good thing he looks forward to.
Afsana only knows the exact moment that Rehman was hospitalized because she's been stuck to her TV since noon.
Hamza had told her and Aalam that the dam opening would be in the afternoon and hence he'd probably be back in Lyari by late night, at the latest. Provided that everything goes according to the plan.
Restlessness claws at her throat as each hour passes and Afsana is pretty sure she's going to tear a hole in her rug with how much she's paching but for the love of god, she can't keep still.
The first whiff of news of Rehman's hospitalisation comes at 7:17 p.m., on the dot. It shows a harried reporter talking loudly about the injury of Lyari's Messiah as they rush towards the hospital, saying something about an encounter.
Afsana doesn't even need to hear the entire thing before she's rushing to her room to change into a pressed kurti and palazzo pants, throwing her phone and keys in her purse. She lives alone and that comes handy because there is no one to question why she's leaving after listening to a snippet of the news.
Weeks ago, Hamza had given her the keys to his small house, telling her that it was for emergencies.
(They both know that for him, emergency means the possibility that he dies or his cover is blown or he must escape for some reason or the other. The keys are in her hands to ensure that if and when he disappears, if she's left behind, she will clean up any evidence before disappearing as well.)
(She's lived enough without him. She can't, not again.)
The drive to his house is stiffling, Lyari is murmuring and whispering dark consequences of a blood stained future as all eyes are wide and all ears are open, grasping at straws for the real story of their saviour, bloodied and bruised in a hospital he had built.
She hides her face under her dupatta again and quietly marvels at the fact that she doesn't even have to fumble with the old lock. She knows exactly how to pull the door once and push it again to let the old wood slide from the frame easily.
It's a sort of familiarity that blooms in her chest in a shade of something warm and chilling at the same time. She has to push harder than Hamza would have to— he makes it look extremely effortless.
Afsana locks the door behind herself, forcing the bitter taste out of her mouth as she begins to breathe heavily. It takes a moment for her to realise she has no real plan as to what to do now. She only had one thing on her mind—
Her eyes go to the balcony and window in his house, both closed and opaque. Afsana drops to her crouches as she moves to the bedroom (it's not even a whole room, it doesn't even have a goddamn door), closing the slightly open window completely. She pulls the curtains close, doing the same with every window.
By the time she's done, the house is completely hidden from the outside world.
With that, she throws her dupatta away from her body, onto his diwan, the one she insisted he have because she was tired of sitting on his chair while he stood, because of the lack of proper furniture in this tiny box of a house.
Satyaa breathes deeply, finally free of the constraints of her fake identity. She moves to the kitchen after turning on the TV, listening to an auto driver's statement on the TV as she pulls open drawers. By now, after their secret meetings in his house and countless plans that were exchanged over midnight dinners, she knows his kitchen's layout enough to pull out all the ingredients for a quick one pot rajma chawal.
(Jaskirat has always preferred these over the traditional recipe of soaking the beans overnight. Harleen learnt the recipe back when Jaskirat was in college, because she always stayed up with him when he pulled all nighters during his exams and she always made him the quick rajma chawal before a difficult paper. Harleen taught it to her later, when Satyaa had started skipping dinner to avoid Sukhwinder uncle and his taunts.)
She doesn't know if it'll comfort him or grieve him, but she needs to do something for him, something which will ground him and the mindless process of the recipe calms her shaking hands as she forces her mind to stop imagining scenarios of where he may be injured or exposed or—
"Hamza bhai tried his best to save Rehman bhai," the auto driver says, properly mournful,"But we cannot control fate."
He recounts the moment he saw them, the panic in Hamza's voice, the way he was reassuring a dying Rehman.
Satyaa doesn't know what to do with herself so she stands there at the kitchen counter, staring at the fire.
The operated scar protests at the weight she's subconsciously putting on it, but she can't bring herself to do anything but stare, her hands shaking.
He's okay. The driver said Hamza brought Rehman to the hospital. They believe him. He's alive. He's okay. He's okay. He's alive. He has to be okay.
She doesn't even know how much time passes. All she knows is the news keeps repeating the only statement they have of the whole thing, because Hamza refuses to speak anything. They say he's injured, his face covered in blood and lacerations of his own, hair matted and dirt clinging to him.
Her phone rings.
It's Iqbal.
She moves back from the stove and squares her shoulders as she picks up the call.
Iqbal forgoes any greets. "Afsana Sahiba," he says, voice grave. He pauses for a moment and Afsana realises he must hear the noise of the TV as well, the reports claiming that Rehman Dakait is dead. "You seem to have heard the news."
Afsana sighs,"I did. I told you, Major sahab. Lyari and it's habit of being too independent will cost us."
Iqbal seems too tense to get angry on her taunt. "Do you have any suspicions as to who ordered this?"
"No, Major Sahab. For all we know, it could be anyone, ranging from Arshad Pappu trying to grab the Lyari throne to the SP simply being out of line again to satisfy a grudge." Afsana shrugs. "Lyari has become too lawless. Even our word seems to mean nothing to them."
Iqbal hums thoughtfully. After a soft pause that feels like the silence after a gunshot, he asks quietly,"Would Hamza have any idea?"
Afsana stiffens. This is the first time the Major has given any indication that he 'knows' about Afsana and Hamza's relationship.
Afsana grits her teeth before taking a deep breath to soften the poison bubbling in her throat. "I do not think so, Major Sahab." She says, proud of how her voice doesn't wobble at all.
Iqbal hums again. "Ask him any way."
"Ji."
He hangs up instantly, his interrogation paused for the moment.
Satyaa keeps herself from banging her head onto the wall but it's a near thing. She checks on the rajma chawal.
Hamza has to lean on the door frame for a second to gather his bearings.
His hand slips to the calf holster he has as soon as he smells spices in the air, the fragrance of a warm meal settling in his house as a safe haven.
He doesn't think he can fight anymore right now, but an invasion in his house is most definitely a threat, with his diary in the house still.
He blinks only to stop and stare as Afsana— no, she's Satyaa— walks out of the kitchen, striding across the floor towards him instantly.
Oh. Makes sense.
He doesn't move from the door frame. All this time, he's been operating on auto pilot, knowing his role, knowing the weight of his silence and the price of his blood. He hasn't even thought of anything, pushing himself to reply to Uzair's questions and declining help from the doctors.
(They can't know that the skin of his back has been torn horribly with the thorns of the jungle. There's no explanation for it. They can't have his blood or skin type. They can't find skin under Rehman's nails and match it with his. They can't.)
As soon as she's within reach, and her sigh touches his skin, he knows she's real and not a fragment of his imagination.
Her eyes stare at him in concern and her hands raise, braced to catch him if he falls. It breaks him more than any of the hits today did.
Hamza lets himself go.
Jaskirat stumbles into the house and Satyaa moves half a step forward, her hands hovering at his elbows. She leans even closer into him to push the door close and flicks her finger to lock it.
Her closeness brings her scent to his nose, the same smell of rajma chawal that his sister used to make late at night when forcing her eyes open to stay awake with him because he worked best in silence filled with a presence he loved.
The undertone of her jasmine ittar is there, but it's not as alluring as the soft ocean breeze scented perfume she used to wear.
Satyaa steps back a bit to look at him in the eyes. He doesn't know what she expects him to say, he can't bring himself to repeat what happened today and he can't bring himself to tell her no. Before she has a chance to tell him what she wants to know, he speaks.
"Bhookh lagi hai." He says, absolutely dazed as he realises his voice has changed from all the shouting. It hurts to speak. "Bhookh lagi hai." He says again, if only just to feel the pain and assure himself that he's alive.
(He's never going back home again. He's one of them now.)
Satyaa's eyes fill slightly but she blinks the tears away and brushes her fingers against his forearm, she touches the only patch of skin that isn't raw or bruised, and leads him to sit at the diwan where her dupatta lies.
She comes back with a warm plate of rajma chawal, already mixed in and topped with chopped onion as he prefers.
Gently, almost as if she's afraid of hurting him, she tells him to open his mouth as she feeds him.
(It's a ridiculous notion. He's Jaskirat Singh Rangi. Military trained. Murderer of an entire bloodline. Her bloodline. Trained spy. He's Hamza Ali Mazari. Orchestrator of the end of Babu Dakait and his gang. Reason of Akhlaq's death. Torturer. Complicit in terror against his own countrymen. Killer.
How could she hurt him? She should endeavour to protect herself instead. She's always had a softer heart and gentler eyes. But, she's right too. She holds his heart in her hand without even realising it. She could kill him just by refusing to look at him.)
Jaskirat's lip is busted and he accidentally made the inside of his cheek bleed when his teeth scraped the sensitive skin after one too many punches. But Satyaa handfeeds him, and her some miniscule corners of her fingers brush against his busted lip, irritating the skin, but it feels soothing in a way. After every bite, she gently wipes his lips and any part of his skin or beard that may be smeared with food. Every touch hurts even if she never puts any pressure.
He can't stomach more than half of the plate she's prepared but she doesn't force him. She walks back to the kitchen and when she's back, her hands are clean again.
"Channa, can I clean your wounds?" She asks him softly, slipping into Punjabi. It makes his heart ache. She is his home, she is his heart, she is the personification of everything he loved and lost. She is calls him Moon even as he's bloodied and bruised and stained. She speaks to him in a language that they've both tasted since childhood and she smells like the love he's lost before time.
Jaskirat doesn't know what to do but nod.
Satyaa doesn't say anything, just moves quickly to grab her bag, which apparently had a first aid kit which could make doctors salivate. She brings out a bowl full of water and wets a corner of her dupatta in it. She keeps her hand gentle, wiping away the blood and dirt with her soft dupatta, never letting it touch the actual edges of the cuts, simply cleaning his skin first.
When she's done with his arms, her hand moves to his face and she moves closer, softly blowing air onto his wounds when he hisses at the feel of the cloth on his skin. Satyaa keeps murmuring little promises into the air between them and the her breath kisses his skin and beard softly.
Jaskirat is inclined to trust her when she says everything is okay.
After all, she's his Satyaa. She never lies.
"You're so perfect, jaan," she whispers as she has to cut through his shirt because he can't move his right arm high enough to remove it. He gives her permission to do it because he is going to burn the reminder any way. "Just stay still, okay, Channa? I'll deal with everything else."
Jaskirat doesn't know how long he sits there, on the diwan. He only knows her dupatta, her fingers, her voice and her breath. All he knows is Satyaa. Satyaa, who answers the phone when Aalam bhai calls and cuts it in less than a minute. Satyaa, who cleans all the small cuts on his chest. Satyaa who hisses as if she's in pain when she sees the state of his back. Satyaa, who speaks in their mother tongue as she asks if he's hurt anywhere else. He answers all her questions that he knows she's asking because she suspects he has a concussion.
He suspects it too, honestly.
But at the moment, he can't quite focus on anything that isn't Satyaa, so he isn't quite sure of it.
She praises him for being so still and kisses his brow, the one that was covered with his own blood before she cleaned it, and begins bandaging his wounds.
"Mera Sohna Chaand." She whispers, finally pressing a soft kiss over his bruised cheek. Her lips barely ghost his skin and the pain that flares up after even that soft of a touch is worth it, if he can feel his heart humming happily under her attention. "You can rest now."
Jaskirat always strives to have the last word. He knows there is no rest for him in the future. "Jhoothi."
"Main Satyaa hoon, jaan. Main jhooth nahi bolti."
—————————————————————————
Author's note:
A bloody mammoth of a chapter because I wanted to finish the D1 arc in this because D2 is about to be HELLA FINE for these two codependent oblivious sponges.
(It’s a little too much hindi in the starting, idk what happened to me🫠 but I’ve tried to translate the meaning and have also provided a kind of glossary.)
The thing nobody tells you about watching someone die is how quiet it is.
Zoya had always imagined violence would announce itself — that it would be loud, that it would look like the films where the score swells and everything slows down and even horror gets to be beautiful. She had grown up in Lyari. She knew what guns sounded like.
She was not prepared for Uzair. She was not prepared for the fact that he did not change. That was the thing.
That was the thing she could not survive. Not the act itself, not the blood that followed, not the sound Arshad Pappu made when he understood what was coming — but the continuity of Uzair through all of it. The way his face stayed exactly as she had always known it. Patient. Still. Dark eyes that gave away nothing and yet always, always found her across a room.
He stood in that market and he listened to Arshad Pappu talk, the expression he wore was the same one he wore when he was waiting for chai to cool, or standing in a doorway watching her pack her notes into her bag, or sitting very quietly at the far end of a room while everyone else moved and made noise around him.
And then he did what he did.
Zoya ran six streets before she sat down on a kerb and understood that she had never known him at all.
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The wind claims it knows longing —
it lies; it has never touched your name.
The fire claims it knows burning —
I laughed, for fire is colder than one glance from you.
Dhurandhar 2 went by so fast, at such a maddening pace that I had no time to process the music.
Didn't realise that the sad song they played when Aalam dies is called Kanhaiya...
A devotional song in braj bhasha because Aalam was from Shri Krishna's bhoomi and likely a Krishna bhakt, upholding his Dharma with a sagacious patience, living among Vidharmis. His Veergati sent him to Vaikunth Loka to his Krishna's Lotus feet.
He lived up to the standards of the Bhagwat Geeta to the fullest.
Arjun Singh Rangi was a brave man. A fauji. A Lieutenant Colonel in the Indian Armed Forces. He was the head of the humble Rangi family which consisted of his beloved wife, Prableen Kaur Rangi and his two dear daughters, Harleen and Jasleen, and his son- Jaskirat whom he held very close to his heart.
Since his childhood, Jaskirat or Jassi, as they called him, had looked up to his father as a role model. He worshipped the man and admired his values. When his father was away at posting, his Maa would tell him and his sisters anecdotes about him, that way his Baba was still near him even though not physically present. He thought of his father’s bravery, the love he harboured for his nation and his family, and his heart swelled with pride.
From a very young age, Jaskirat had decided that he wanted to be like his father. And, he made sure that the world knew it too. When the elders and his teachers asked him what he wanted to become when he grew up, he would say that he wanted to become his father. Everyone used to laugh at him, and he would never understand why.
Rajkumar Abhimanyu was a brave boy. He had always been brave. The glorious Prince was said to have inherited the best qualities of and from all five Pandavas. But he liked to believe that his courage came from his Pitashree, Gaandivdhaari Arjuna.
Abhimanyu’s father hadn’t been around when he was born and he hadn’t appeared once in thirteen years of his life. Both of his Mamashrees, whom he loved and adored deeply, had been his guardians and the constant anchor in his life.
His mother, Subhadra had told him how his father’s cousins had tricked them in a game of dice and had stripped them of their wealth, honour and the self-respect of their common wife, Draupadi. He had learnt that his father, his uncles along with his other mother had gone into twelve years of Vanvaas and one year of Agyatvaas.
The little boy, merely ten years in age, had decided then and there that he would serve himself to avenge the disrespect of his father and his family. Even when he had never met Arjuna, Abhimanyu practiced day and night to become a warrior as skilled as his father.
It was a pleasant summer night and the Rangi children’s Baba had come home for a holiday. It was a rare occurrence, so the three siblings were eager to make most of their time in the company of their Baba.
It was after dinner that the children had rushed upstairs to the roof and pulled their father with them. Laying down on the thick blankets, the trio stared at the starry night sky while their Baba told them the incidents from his posting at the border. The stories soon shifted into the recalling of the bravery their Baba’s friends had shown in times of emergency. The kids were awestruck by these people and their willingness to put themselves at risk for their country. To their small minds, these people, their Baba and his friends were like superheroes from their comic books.
After an hour or so, Baba was left with no more stories. The girls, Harleen and Jasleen had fallen asleep halfway through the tales and were snoring heavily. Looking at the peaceful faces of his children, Papa Rangi laid down beside them and closed his eyes with a sigh. Jaskirat had closed his eyes momentarily, but he was wide-awake and curious to listen to more stories about what happened in the army cantonments.
When he propped himself on his elbow and looked at his Baba trying to sleep, Jassi understood that he must be exhausted and homesick and that it wouldn’t be right to wake him up. So, he allowed his father to drift into slumber, while he fell onto his back and counted the stars in the sky before sleep took over him too.
After every visit when his Baba told him such stories of his fellow soldiers, Jaskirat was moved by their sacrifice. He used to get inspired by them. He imagined himself in their place, protecting his country and its people, bringing pride to his family and donning the wardi his father had worn too.
Subhadra was seven months pregnant and her husband who had devoted his afternoons to her, chose a particularly niche topic of discussion that day. Warfare. Who discusses battle formations with their pregnant wife? Gaandivdhaari Arjuna.
As she settled down on the chaise, her hand resting on her swollen belly, she tried her best to observe the circular formation in which the miniature soldiers were arranged in the sandpit. She would have rather enjoyed talking about their baby- guessing whether it would be a boy or a girl? Discussing the names they had selected for it, and the impulsive purchases she had been making of baby toys.
But her husband had already begun to explain the advantages of this specific type of Chakravyuha, the Padmavyuha, the lotus trap. She listened attentively as he told her the methodical way to penetrate the deceptive Vyuha. Entering it was comparatively easy, but emerging out of it unharmed was the real challenge. Subhadra only knew of three warriors who could infiltrate the trap, and all of them were her family. Arjuna, Krishna, and her nephew Pradyumna.
Subhadra was paying attention to what Arjuna was saying, until her eyelids began to flutter close, surrendering to darkness while Arjuna’s monotonous lecture acted as a lullaby to her.
Arjuna looked over at his wife, who had dozed off halfway through his discourse. He put the pointer down and walked towards her sleeping form, an involuntary smile curving on his lips. He placed a kiss on her forehead, and draped a quilt over her.
In her womb, the growing foetus had assimilated all the knowledge required for entering a Chakravyuha but it was never taught how to come out of it alive and safe. Years later, the formidable warrior Prince would be defeated by this unlearned knowledge alone.
Jaskirat was taught courage by his father. He was taught loyalty. Patriotism. Selflessness. So, that was all he had when he enrolled in the training academy after clearing his NDA examination.
The letter had come almost a year later. A bad news. The tragedy that had struck his family. His father, his brave and strong Baba was gone. Hanged to death on the tree in their farmland. His Didi, the girl he only ever imagined with a bright smile on her face, was brutally raped and murdered. His chotti Jasleen, had been abducted and taken away to God knew where and his Maa, oh his mother who had been stripped off all that she had was wandering from police station to doors of politicians, begging for justice that he was told was abundant and fair in this nation. A blatant lie, as he now realized.
So when he got down at the Chakki Bank railway station after securing the AK 47 and the pistol from Pinda’s acquaintance, he had been driven by the very same principles that he had inherited from his father. He had trespassed into the haveli of Sukhwinder Singh, without caring for himself even when he knew what this could result in if things didn’t go his way.
But things had gone his way. He hadn’t left a chance for anyone to turn the situation against him. An hour of gunshots and harrowing screams later when he had completely forgotten himself, Jaskirat Singh Rangi stood painted in the blood of the twelve men he had massacred. Without flinching once.
The fear got to him only when he reached his sister. Dread twisted deep in his stomach before seeing her. But he had managed to rescue her and bring her back home, despite the cruelty those twelve men had repeatedly subjected her to.
The FIR, the court case and his sentence followed. He had imagined it would happen in the days before he had committed the crime. However, he had never thought of the increased pain it would inflict upon his surviving family. That was the hardest part of it all. Seeing his mother break down and cry in front of his lawyer, begging her to save him. Jasleen telling him repeatedly that he should not have done this for her, even though the relief in her eyes when he had stepped in that dark room contradicted her words.
Apparently the system and the judiciary which had denied a simple hearing to his innocent mother, was surprisingly fastidious and quick in delivering justice to those twelve men who did not even deserve an ounce of it.
On the thirteenth day of the barbaric war, the vast armies clashed once again in the blood-soaked ground of Kurukshetra. Prince Abhimanyu had fought ferociously since the war had begun, fuelled by the sacrifices of his family in the past dozen days.
But now he stood along with the four Pandavas in front of what looked like a challenge to them. Amidst an attack, the Kaurava army had suddenly realigned itself into a novel formation. The Pandavas waited for the dust that had risen as an effect of the more than thousand footsteps to settle down and then the realization dawned upon the eldest son of Pandu.
Padmavyuha.
No one in the Pandava army knew how to break into the Vyuha. No one except Arjuna. But the devious Kauravas had planned an attack of the Samsaptakas to challenge Arjuna and drive him away in the southern direction. They knew the Pandava force would be indestructible if they had Dhananjaya by their side.
Prince Abhimanyu approached his uncles and declared that he was aware of the ways to tear into the Vyuha, but he did not know how to come out of it. Yudhisthira, his eldest uncle, motivated him to go ahead and enter the formation. He assured Abhimanyu that the four of them, Bhima, Nakul, Sahdev and he himself would follow him closely and create a path for him, assuring his safety.
Gaining his permission, the fearless Prince, vowed that his actions would bring pride and joy to his uncle Krishna and his father. He swore that if he let go even a single enemy without killing him, then he would not be called Arjuna’s son!
And so the land of Kurukshetra witnessed the sixteen year old young man piercing through tons of soldiers, wringing out arrows from his quiver and aiming them at the masses. He pounced on his enemies and ended up killing Bribhala and a hundred other small kings. He slaughtered Duryodhana’s son, Lakshmana and made Dushasana and Karna faint. The Prince faced seasoned warriors like Dronacharya and Bhishma with the vigour and rage resembling that of an angry God.
The Kaurava leaders feared that if this continued, their entire Akshauhinis of the army would be wiped out single-handedly by Abhimanyu. They had to put an end to the Prince’s wrath. Saindhava blocked the path of Pandavas who were closely following Abhimanyu, and fought with them skillfully making sure that Abhimanyu had to step further in the Vyuha all alone.
The Prince was now alone and surrounded by warriors like Duryodhana, Dushasana, Dronacharya, Ashwatthama, Kripacharya, Shalya and Shakuni.
When Jaskirat was sentenced to death by hanging, he had let go of all his aspirations and hopes, along with his will to live. He had accepted his fate and he was not guilty for the ‘crime’ he had committed.
So even when he was kidnapped during the jail transfer, and brought in front of the Chief of India’s Intelligence Bureau, Ajay Sanyal, whom he had only seen in newspapers, it did not make him feel like there was a way out. Instead, he folded his hands in front of the prestigious man and told him that he had nothing left to give to his nation.
But Sanyal was a man who had not bent in front of terrorists in their own land, Jaskirat Singh Rangi was an easier nut to crack for him. He told the hopeless young man that it was better to die after causing an uproar rather than accepting a mistaken death placed on his name. Jaskirat knew he had already created the ruckus where he wanted to, but he listened to the Indian officer.
Jaskirat had learnt to be brave, resilient and patriotic from his father. So even when he had nothing left, he joined hands with Ajay Sanyal and Sushant Bansal and became a part of their mission. He had been told the potential cost of it- of being declared dead to his family and the possibility of never coming back,
But he agreed to that cost as well, in the hopes that his otherwise fruitless life would become of some use to his nation and he could follow the steps of his dear Baba.
Abhimanyu knew the cost of entering the Vyuha too, but he stepped in anyways because even death was better than having to surrender and accept defeat. He would not bring shame to his father’s name at least in this lifetime.
The intimidated elders attacked the lone Pandava warrior together but Abhimanyu fought them all strenuously. Dronacharya, the guru of the Pandavas and Kauravas, killed his horses and charioteer, and destroyed his chariot so that it would render the Prince unable to navigate through the battlefield.
The rest of the warriors showered arrows at him from all the directions, until an injured Abhimanyu stepped down from the chariot with his mace in his hand. He began fighting against all warriors single-handedly. It was an egregious scene, a stain on the Kuru clan.
Ten warriors giving all their strength and combating with a single young Prince, like a pack of wicked wolves surrounding and capturing a lion’s brave cub in a deadly hunt.
When Abhimanyu’s mace gave away and fell from his hands, and blood spluttered at the corner of his lips, the older men closed up on him slowly. But even then the Prince did not think of surrender even once. He marched towards the ruins of his chariot and dismantled its wheel with great force.
When Ashwatthama and Dushasana attacked him with swords, he lifted up the huge wheel and thrashed it against their weapons with a roar. Not a single soul in that force pitied the boy who was wounded and was rapidly losing blood and strength.
Arrows were shot at him and they pierced through him. Swords slashed against his armour but still managed to cut through his skin and organs. Duryodhana struck him with his mace on his head and back, until the Prince had coughed up blood. The wise gurus, who had failed to be the protectors of Dharma every single time remained mum and failed yet again as Abhimanyu’s body gave out and he collapsed onto the ground, barely conscious.
Jaskirat Hamza Ali Mazari stepped into the dirty lanes of Lyari in Pakistan after burying what little was left of himself. He had burnt his family photo, the only material memory of them was turned into ashes back in Afghanistan. The year he spent at Aalam Bhai’s shop was a test of his patience. There were nights where he thought that he could never do what he was here to do. He feared he would have to spend his entire life stuck working as a waiter in this shop.
What started then was a series of repeated torments on his deadened heart. His mind worked efficiently, strategically infiltrating Rehman Baloch’s gang and acquiring their trust with every word he uttered and every action he did. Even then, his deadened heart hadn’t gone completely numb. Everything did hurt him sometimes, like an overwhelming flood of grief had washed over him. But Hamza had learnt to fight and fight was what he did.
The guilt gnawed at him when he had honey-trapped Yalina Jamali, the shrewd politician’s daughter for his own selfish benefit. As he saved Rehman from the SP and became an inseparable member of the gang, accompanying Rehman and Uzair in all their endeavours, life had begun to feel monotonous.
It was then that the meeting with Major Iqbal had happened. Deal of arms and ammunition. Hamza had reported it to Aalam Bhai. A potential attack on Gujarat. He was assured that the Indian force would take appropriate defensive measures. But all hell broke loose on the night of 26th November. The numerous television screens in Iqbal’s office showed him the horrors in Mumbai. Bomb blasts. The terrorists captured in CCTV’s holding the guns he had handed them himself. People, his people screaming and being scared for their life.
He had stood amongst those monsters, paralyzed in shock and terror. He could see the blood on his hands. Warm and red, dripping. He was the killer of his people. He saw his mother’s face, looking at him the same way she had done when he was sentenced to death. The Major’s shove snapped him out of it, and he was forced to scream the chants of ‘Allah hu Akbar!’ along with the others while his nation bled because of them.
That night in front of Aalam Bhai, for the first time he had stepped foot in this land, he acknowledged his belonging to his country. He vowed to end every man who had stood in that room and rejoiced at the slaughter of his people. Iqbal, Khanani, Mir, Bhuttovi, he would finish them all.
And so, he began his advance towards the core of Pakistani terrorism. Little did he know, with every step he took deeper into the labyrinth, he was making it harder for himself to walk out of it unscathed.
Hamza went on to kill Rehman while putting up a facade of his failed saviour. He pulled the right strings with Uzair, the man who had always trusted him too easily, and sent him away. Uzair was a thorn he had pricked out of his path effortlessly. It began after that, his reign. His rule. He became the King of Lyari. The Badshah of Karachi. People prayed for his long life and manifested glory to him.
He devised his way through the twisted politics of Pakistan meticulously, changing alliances and coming to power once again. He reported on the trade of fake currencies and drugs that was ruining his country’s economy and youth.
Then came the unfortunate night and it truly tested how much blows his heart could take before crumbling into pieces. Pinda, his best friend, had arrived in Pakistan and he had become someone Jaskirat could barely recognize. A drug dealer. And even when Hamza himself had become completely unrecognizable, Pinda had managed to recognize him just well.
Hamza had only wanted to silence him and keep his secret from coming out, but he had ended up killing him. His best friend. His sister’s husband. Iqbal’s guest. What happened after that still remains as a repressed blur to Jaskirat. Aalam Bhai had volunteered to be killed. Martyrdom was a euphemized word, but the truth was ugly. He had killed Aalam Bhai too.
That night, Yalina had held a gun to his head. She had come to know about his deception, or his truth. Neither of them was exclusive of the other. She had blamed him for ruining her life, rightfully so. But she had loved him immensely and truly, unlike him, so she had stayed with him regardless. Just warned him of the SP who had begun to doubt him.
Since then, he had gotten things on his feet. Within the span of less than three months, over a hundred members of terrorist organizations had been killed by unknown men. Wiped out in masses across Pakistan.
The final blow was the meeting in Muridke Minar. Stealthily planned. The explosives hidden under arms. The fight with Mir and Iqbal that had felt endless but he had powered through it, brutally hurting them. He had ran after Iqbal, who was now trying to escape like a coward and had slashed the blade against his legs with a roar, before dragging him to the petroleum truck and blasting him to shreds.
Killing him was a delayed gratification that Hamza had craved, but it changed nothing for Jaskirat. He did not run away, he waited outside the Minar for the inevitable to happen. But he had managed to make a last call to Yalina. He had told her his real name- Jaskirat. He had realized bitterly that he had indeed ruined her life, and now Zayan’s too. No amount of remorse could free him of the injustice he had committed with his own wife and son.
When Omar came for him and arrested him, he himself walked into the police van without a protest. The hours that followed were torture. Chained up and bloodied, he was whipped, beaten up, even given electric shocks, but he hadn’t uttered a single word. No matter how hard they tried, they were not able to gain a single piece of information from this Indian captive.
When his sword broke down and Dushasana’s son struck him hard with a blow, Abhimanyu fell to the ground with a thud. The young boy had been subjected to a lot of torture with the blows and slashes.
Amongst the warriors, Angraj Karna was the one who stepped forward. The man knew that this valiant Prince lying in front of him was his own nephew. If nothing else, then at least in blood. But the men too far gone in war never recognized even their own. Suryaputra Karna was no different. He did not see Abhimanyu as his own, just like the Kauravas.
A sharp pain shot through Abhimanyu as Karna speared his sword through his abdomen with a cutting force. His entire body jerked to blunt pain and then stilled as the burning sensation of blood seeping out spread throughout his body.
Moments later, the victorious howls of the Kaurava men echoed in the silent ground while life slipped out of the brave Prince’s body.
The four Pandavas mourned, from a distance, the death of their courageous nephew who had been slaughtered by the Maharathis, and whose death was being celebrated as a victory when it was nothing but shame.
After spending two decades in the sordid streets of Lyari and then the treacherous politics of Pakistan, Jaskirat Singh Rangi had still yielded himself. He had not given up when he had to toil in the Baloch gang. He had not given up when he had lost three of his closest people in the same night, two to death and one to truth. He had done it to himself with his own hands.
He had stayed patient and strong throughout the wait, and the slow killings of the terrorists. He had fought tooth and nail with Iqbal.
But after coming back to India, when he had slipped away to Pathankot in the naive hopes of seeing his family again and his nephews and telling them that he had been alive all along, he had not been prepared for the oblivion.
When he got down from the rickshaw at the other end of the narrow path that led to his home, his eyes full of hope found his mother at the gate. She was sweeping the ground, she looked a little older and a lot exhausted. He spotted Jasleen on the roof wringing out the water from washed clothes. She still looked the same to him, his chotti but she had two children of her own now. His two nephews were playing in the courtyard, just like he used to play with Pinda in the evenings after school.
His eyes filled with tears as he took slow steps towards their house. He was finally going to meet his family after years of pining for them. Then suddenly, his mother looked right at him and she averted her gaze and closed the gate on him. He paused in his tracks, feeling as if he had been shaken out of a dream and the reality had broken his rose-tinted vision.
He saw it then- his mother, who had accepted that her son was long gone and he would never return back. His sister, who had taken to believe her mother and her two sons to be her only world. Even if they had looked at him, they would not see their Jaskirat. They would not recognize him. The twenty years had changed a lot in him too.
So, the man who had suffered injustice, a death sentence, forgetting himself and taking up a new name and life in a hostile land felt like giving up here.Jaskirat Singh Rangi, who had been undefeated by everything, was destroyed by his own family, when they had been unable to recognize him. What else was left for him now? Where else would he go if not his home?
Jaskirat Singh Rangi had truly died that day, standing in front of his home and being so near yet feeling so far. He never walked down that impassable path to what was once his home.
If Arjun Singh Rangi had not taught his son to be so brave, patriotic and selfless, then perhaps Jaskirat would have never done what all he had done.
And, If Arjuna had been there to protect Abhimanyu, he would have emerged out of the delusive Chakravyuha, alive and glorious.
Author's Note: The more I wrote this, the more parallels I saw between Jaskirat and Abhimanyu. Even the fact, that both Yalina and Uttara had to spend their entire lives alone with a son to raise on their own. I hope you liked reading this! Thank you!
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