if you can dream it, you can do it

Maybe I just have this incredible talent for finding the toxic and unhealthy relationships.

You don’t understand it because you’ve never lived it. 

Depression is this beast in the back of my head that sometimes fights its way to the front row to try and get a glimpse of the action, a glimpse at the potential for chaos. 

Sometimes I can do everything that I am “supposed to” and it doesn’t keep the beast at bay. Take today for example, today I worked out for over an hour walking and running over three miles and yet depression still found me.

I took a nap though some may call that a lighthouse for depression, an open gate with a friendly hand waving “come in and visit, you’ll like it here”. 

But depression isn’t just thoughts, maybe if it were I could build an army of positive words to fight it off. No, depression is wanting to cry but there are no tears to flow. Depression is that in-between limbo like area when you either have the stomach bug or you just took your medicine on an empty stomach again. That I think I’m going to puke but let me check in with my body. No mouth sweats yet so I think I’m good for now type of place.

Depression is this dense feeling over my shoulder that is so loud yet I’m the only one who hears it. That darkness that tells you the world would be better off without you? The one that calls you names and tells you that you won’t amount to anything? That’s the darkness of depression. 

Depression is also a battle. When the beast is at the back of the theatre the battle is a little easier. When the beast makes its way to the front row there’s no telling what can happen or when it will end. Depression is this constant pull between right and wrong/good and bad. Kind of like a super hero movie. But this time you are the hero and the villain trying to keep the world in working order. 

- So do you want to tell me what was up with last night?

- it's extremely weird not talking to you, it always is.

- I don't deserve to be treated the way you treated me last night, nor do I deserve to be talked to the way you talked to me.

- yes I'm flexible and somewhat of a pushover, but I refuse to let you talk to me the way you did last night because you feel I won't do anything.

- if this is what "friendship" is going to look like for us from now on then I don't want any part of it.

- ending this will be much harder on me than it will you, no doubt, because you "don't need people", people are only in your life because you want them there.

- do you even want me in your life anymore?

- I don't want to end this friendship but I also can't allow people to treat me like shit.

- I'm more hurt than angry

- I'm hurt that you told me to fuck off

- I'm hurt that you referred to me as "some human"

- that last one stings the most without question though.

- everything you said last night made me feel like you wouldn't care if I was gone, that you would care if you lost me (metaphorically or literally)

- what were you thinking when you said all that?

- were you trying to be hurtful or were you trying to make me mad; what was your intent?

- I've taken a lot of shit the last year and a half and I've also held back a lot of shit in that time, shit that I may tell you one day or I may take to my grave.

If I weren’t as aware of myself then I could:

- not realize when I look at the candle burning on my table that my mind immediately goes to using the wax to burn myself.

- not realize that when i close my eyes i picture myself banging my arm against something to inflict pain.

- i wouldn’t have to feel at war with my own mind....

-... I could just feel one emotion instead of feeling depression and knowing that i shouldn’t be feeling it and knowing that i should fight it but sometimes the fight is just too exhausting....

-.... and i’m not talking about the fight itself, no, i’m only at the thought of the fight.

- if i weren’t as aware of myself then i could go make myself throw up and not feel guilty about it and not see anything wrong with doing this.

- I could find a way to not think about my friends whenever i think about hurting myself or taking my life...

-...and then i wouldn’t have to feel this pit in my stomach at the realization of guilt for thinking of my friends in a moment where i’m thinking of the end.

Last night, during a hot shower, while hoping the water running down would somehow be able to erase the tears coming from my eyes I realized that perhaps self injury is one of the most dangerous coping mechanisms out there because:

- there are an almost infinite methods of intentionally inflicting harm

- not every method leaves a scar

- not every method leaves a mark

- a person who copes through self injury is never TRULY safe...

-...because they can turn anything into a weapon...

-...they can use their fingernails to create indentations in their skin,

- they can throw up so much that they pop blood vessels in their face,

- stand in a hot shower, slowly increasing the heat until it burns,

- punch or hit or kick something with a body part, 

- they can hold their breath just to see how long they can do it for. 

You shoot down something I suggest so I immediately go into defense mode because I feel like I upset you.

Part of going into defense mode looks like ending the conversation abruptly so I don't continue to piss you off.

Another part of defense mode looks like never expressing my feelings about the situation/experience and thus preventing you from ever being aware that anything "happened".