reminiscent

i don’t want to talk anymore, i just want to be understood. it’s so difficult to choke out words when i know it will come out as angry and frustrated. and it seems as though every time i do communicate my feelings to you, they’re invalidated because it’s angry. and then it turns around on me, because i’m the one who has attitude. because how are you supposed to respond to someone who is angry and irritated. 

i don’t wanna have to explain myself anymore, because i already told you. i’ve been hating feeling uneasy around you because of our lack of intimacy. i go to bed, and you’re in bed, but we don’t sleep together. you’re on your phone, and i’m on my phone. you don’t like to hold me and you push me away. even with sex it feels disconnected. i haven’t been satisfied because you’re focused on yourself more than me. 

our intimacy is turning robotic, and i’ve been suppressing my feelings for so long, i’ve been feeling so uncomfortable. it never seems like a big deal, because it’s something that can be passed off every day. it doesn’t seem important. but it’s always the bigger picture. and it’s always the reason why these fights have been becoming bigger. 

the feeling of not being understood. like my feelings do not matter. like my emotions need to be suppressed because i don’t know how to express myself kindly. i don’t know how to deal with my anger. all my feelings of discomfort have been bottled up, to a point where i’ve been blowing up. it makes me realize that all my life, since i’ve been young, i’ve been told by my family to suppress my emotions whether it be happy or angry. nothing feels worse than the feeling of my chest literally suffocating from having to control myself. i’ve been inside my own head, in my own heart, and i can’t even express it to my own husband. 

today i realize that i am at peace. it has been years since i’ve written anything, years since i’ve felt the need to voice out my thoughts -- and it’s because i haven’t felt the need to resort to writing my feelings out since i now have people that i trust my heart with. since high school, i’ve been writing everything that i’ve been thinking about and all the problems that i felt like no one would be able to give me solutions to. it’s somewhat cathartic to be in this place now, where for once, i can finally breath, and for once, i am writing because i am forcing myself to finally document a peaceful time in my life. 

As an undocumented immigrant, everything negative I have experienced in my life has given me a much heavier burden. Some of these things I want to list down because these are important events in my life that have impacted me the most:

1. The DREAM Act making me believe my college tuition would be paid for, but it wasn’t.

2. Moving back to America, knowing that my family and I would have to start over financially because for the first time we would be living as undocumented immigrants.

3. My father’s death.

4. My mother’s heart attack.

5. The process of trying to get my drivers’ license.

However, there are also some positive points I need to address in my book. These are the things that gave my life meaning and hope. Without it, my story would be incomplete.

1. My developing relationship with my bestfriend, and eventually, boyfriend, JR.

2. Getting my first job as a tutor.

3. Getting my first real job at Fingerprint Ink.

4. Going to school at CSU East Bay and, despite our very low income, being able to afford it for 2 years so far.

5. My bestfriends, Cristel, Heather, Kim, Nique, Faith, and Danica, who have all been there for me since I was 10 years old, and continues to share their care for me given my difficult situation.

love mixed in its potion

yelling words with 

a confused notion

we lay on our beds wondering where we would go

where we've been and where we want to be

our hearts beat, synchronized

pulsating, 

then sinking.

fists clenching,

hands touching.

then i know, i know for sure,

our love conquers everything

On January 22, 2014, the world lost the most hardworking, faithful and genuine man I had ever known – my father. My dad always had such strength and perseverance, that even through poverty and all the other struggles my family had to go through, he was able to carry us along the way. I believe it was because God was always on his side. He was active in his duty as a deacon, and had a submissive heart as a member of the Church of Christ. He cared for the brethren, and I remember my mom and I would always nag at him for never being able to say “no” whenever people would ask for his help. He was always so kind and giving, and he sacrificed so much of his time and strength to be there for everyone.

My father most of all, cared for his family. We encountered so many difficulties in our life -- we moved from place to place, we struggled financially, we never really had a normal and peaceful life, but my dad worked hard to maintain our family, to keep us living. Even if he was getting weak and tired from working, he still pushed through to provide what our family needed.

You know I didn't need to go to a University because I know we were already having a hard time paying for our basic needs but my dad never said anything against it, even though I was waiting for him to tell me that I should go to a cheaper college. He just came into my room one time and said, "Don't lose hope." He wanted the best for me even if it meant making sacrifices. You know we can all agree that he can be very quiet, but when he did speak, he spoke words full of wisdom and dignity. And even if we didn’t talk much, he knew when I needed him.

I felt so much pain when I found out that I’d lost my father, because I knew that I wouldn’t have him to lead me to the right direction in life anymore. But he's already taught me so much during the 18 years I've had with him, so I'm confident that I could hold myself up the rest of the way. That's what he would have wanted -- for me to be strong enough to lead myself to the bright future he has always hoped for me to have. My mom told me that he even said that he's prayed for me, my little brother and sister already, so even if he won't live long enough to take care of us, we will always be in the hands of God. And I believe his prayer was answered, because up till now and forever, I know that my family and I will always remain as faithful servants of God as my father always was.