8/17/19
i donât want to talk anymore, i just want to be understood. itâs so difficult to choke out words when i know it will come out as angry and frustrated. and it seems as though every time i do communicate my feelings to you, theyâre invalidated because itâs angry. and then it turns around on me, because iâm the one who has attitude. because how are you supposed to respond to someone who is angry and irritated.Â
i donât wanna have to explain myself anymore, because i already told you. iâve been hating feeling uneasy around you because of our lack of intimacy. i go to bed, and youâre in bed, but we donât sleep together. youâre on your phone, and iâm on my phone. you donât like to hold me and you push me away. even with sex it feels disconnected. i havenât been satisfied because youâre focused on yourself more than me.Â
our intimacy is turning robotic, and iâve been suppressing my feelings for so long, iâve been feeling so uncomfortable. it never seems like a big deal, because itâs something that can be passed off every day. it doesnât seem important. but itâs always the bigger picture. and itâs always the reason why these fights have been becoming bigger.Â
the feeling of not being understood. like my feelings do not matter. like my emotions need to be suppressed because i donât know how to express myself kindly. i donât know how to deal with my anger. all my feelings of discomfort have been bottled up, to a point where iâve been blowing up. it makes me realize that all my life, since iâve been young, iâve been told by my family to suppress my emotions whether it be happy or angry. nothing feels worse than the feeling of my chest literally suffocating from having to control myself. iâve been inside my own head, in my own heart, and i canât even express it to my own husband.Â
iâm sorry it always ends this way. iâm sorry for making you feel like youâre always wrong, because i always end up crawled into a ball, breathing uncontrollably, crying hysterically. but this is how i feel, and iâm standing up for my feelings. iâve been beating myself up for so long i didnât even realize it, nor did you.












