Kenoki

Ai anime

Happy New Year!

I know am just like either my parents when it comes to that. I saw them take no bullshit from people when I was growing. I can coexist with haters in the same space and not feel no type of way. But best believe if you have the nerve to piss me off be prepared to get hurt or your feelings hurt or both. Get under my skin and be prepared to be dealt with accordingly.

I just wished I knew what is really going on around me. I feel like im being used stepped on like a stepping stone for others. I dont want to be angry and bitter because of what someone did to me and it affects someone elese that wants to give me what I need. Although, at the same time its what I want.

It's hard sometimes to ignore the things you see that keep you in your feelings. But I do my best through it all. I don't let it consume me because at all cost I can not. I have to stay in control. I have matured to a point that I've gone silent emotionally and verbally. All I can think about is getting better and how I can become better? I do admit that it does hurt sometimes that I can share my thoughts and feelings with ones closest to me. I have become so gaurded that I dont want to because I don't believe they'll take me serious. So I live in a silence all my own I call it home. I think about what it would be like if I was to myself and alone. My presence no longer a nusance, I am out of the way, I am no longer the reason people feel uncomfortable in my presence. I do think about just vanishing as well. I mean after all maybe some people would be happier if I just disappear. Sometimes I can just see that without people even telling me.

I've hurt so much until im dead inside. Numb. cold to the touch. Died from all the hurt I hide.

I think I need to get off here. I can tell that my mind is being played with as well as my heart. Im starting to lose self control of letting out the hurt that I have developed. Trying to even Be the thing you need me to be for you, give benefit of doubt, transparent communication, making efforts to please and realizing your enept to their needs. Show how replaceable you are and flaunt that fact everyday, anywhere, all the time. Then you start to see the signs of ending. So let me off at Peace and Health. I wont live too long on this ride.

I want more days like this. I remember when I could have a laugh and everyone would get it. I remeber when I could drink and feel the alcohol when I didnt have a fatty liver. I want more days when it was me and my partner having a good time togher and with our friends. I miss those days so much. I have low energy and I am not easily excited to meet new people. I can be an introvert and can be an extrovert with people I know. My partner easily socializes with strangers while I take my time warming up to people. When I display low energy he will entertain himself or leave me where I am. I get it. I am ok with that. I am reserved and quiet but very observant. However, I can't stand being around toxic homosexuals. They know that their attractive but at the same time they flaunt their confidence and in my eyes it makes them look and sound obnoxious until they look ugly. I miss the days that I would run into gay men and we had intellectual conversations and tell dirty jokes. Now these new age millenial homosexuals are arrogant caty and trashy. I would like to meet other gay men and just vibe on current events, living, and all kinds of things. But its so hard when its only a few of us.

Funny how a drunkin mind speaks a sober tongue. But whats is having to sit there and listen to it being done repeated without any accountability when the alcohol wear off. I've had two ex's speaking soberly about how the feel about me and the relationship right in my face. But to have it happen now in my present one is very upsetting at this point. Thats why I keep asking the universe to give me deliverance from everything and anything hurtful to my peace and progress. But the moment I put my foot down and speak my mind im overreacting, im paranoid, or like to argue so im starting things up. But I wont be starting things up when the shit its the fan.

It's been forever since I felt this way. I've wanted you so bad. I've wished that we could be together so badly I find myself dreaming about you sometimes. You have been around for so long and with everyone else. I just want my turn with you. I want forever with you even though your out of reach but at the same time your never far away. Your presence is everywhere I see. I just want my chance to have you to taste what you give the world. I know once I have you I will be able to breath and live my best life. I want you like everyone else has you. Please give me a chance to feel what you make everyone one else feel.

Doing swell. Just chillin tonight before I go to bed. Long day work tomorrow.

Don't think for second that I'll let it slide. I observe too well the shit you be on. Believe me when I say its all good. I'll stil be benevolent in silence and keep my emotions in check. I don't need to say nothing I don't have to. Your acting louder than anything I could say. I know you think that you don't have to me speak but believe me. Im unbother by you. I will never break my character to address you cause your not on my mental level. Im cool that we dont have to kiss each other ass. I mean that with humblest sincerity. The frequency Im on you could never be. I know whats up I see what it is. But trust and believe when the shit hit the fan your the one that will have to clean up.

Im 45 and still I can't stop looking over my shoulder. I keep expecting something bad to happen when I know I should not live like that. But when does the feeling stop? The happy days I want to have are an imagination and never in my dreams. The dreams are worse because their like dejavu. Moments in my furture that are minor in meaning and vague metaphores of what I think in the back if my mind. Maybe its paranoia or my subconscience showing me of the invetable. When will there be a day that I wake up and I have financial peace or at least knowing things arent as bad as they could be in the present moment. When can I wake up someone kissing me on my neck or hugging me in my sleep with reassurance that Im not alone and everthing that is going on will be alright. When can I go to work without being emotionally triggered into frustration by a customer who wants to be karen or a ken. When can I drive my car without it making strange noises or I plug in my phone without it switching to the radio when I want listen to my favorite songs on Youtube music. When can I have a conversation with my partner without saying something that he doesnt disagrees with and it sets him off on an angry tirad with him having the last word to prove he is right. When can I dream and be happy in my dream without having to wake up trying to decipher what the hell it all means. When?