Kenoki

I decided to go to bathhouse. I usually dont get any attention at these places or bookstores. Im usually the peson just observing everthing around and watching the vibe with other men getting it on. I watched three interact with other where they are only pinching nipples and stroking. I tried to get in on the fun I was pushed away. I respectfully moved on.

I went to a sauna where there was a wall of young men stroking and watching each other stroke. The occasional nipple pinch and lite kissing was interersting to watch. I started to wonder if these men had girlfriends and wives. I watched these men interact with each other in a way that intrigued me so bad I spent the next 2 hours watching other interactions.

I started to relize that some of these interactions would go further than this building of moister, heat, secrets and lust. But there was this one thing that stood out to me so bad. The lighter your complection you are more favorable to other men. I go to these places with the assumption that men don't really have a preference. The Dominant and submissive meet and interact no matter what they look like. I forgot that men are visual creatures. They like what they see and want what they see. I have to respect the rule of nature when in these situations.

There is this thing that I don't understand with people thinking that I should bow down to them and or kiss they ass when they clearly don't deserve that from me.

Thoughts 10-11-25

Is this is a daydream or am I living on a stage? I can't seem to tell. I guess if I just walk off the stage the show will be over. Everyday is a routine. Somes I just want to lay where I wake up and let time go by.

Howeve, I can't. I can't give up on my life. I know there are others who want me to succeed and keep going. There is so much I want to experience. So many places I want to go. But it hurts so bad.

I am giving so much of myself to please and satisfy but I am not getting any appreciation or acknowleged for even the efforts. Rejection after rejection. Tolerated to the point that I question what does this all mean.

I often think about what my life look like if I wasn't going through these loveless days where I am empty. Exhausted from all the aggravation of wanting something I deserve but cant have from the persons I suppose to get it from. I dont understand how can this be called love when I am left out of it.

Giving giving giving and get the minimum percentage. Feeling like your pushed aside and manipulated. Everyday is an emotional rollercoaster.

Looking around for a place to put my feet down coming out a tornado of confusion. Now Im dizzy. Hearts of glass beat and unsaid words speak in a love code. I already knew the code before the lock was made.

Walking around screaming on the inside 24hrs a day. Because you can't make heads or tales of are you living a lie. Everyday is a scene. Bring in my stunt double for the mental pain.

I look in the mirror there is nothing there. Toothbrush brushing teeth invisible water cleanings a face ain't there.

The saddest thing is love someone else enough you forget to love thyself first.

Head spinning so bad I can't see the shapes playing in my face.

My shoes too big to fill I keep tripping over my own laces. Im doing everthing I can to make right but still labeled a demon.

I sung a song from my heart. The ki was heard in silence. Now sometimes I crave violence. Because transpartent effective communication became sparce.

I gave all I got and whatever I could give and still bartered reciprocity with a money order and still got none. I guess it was late and now everything becomes undone.

Think I'll just get off here while I have whats left of this penny in my pocket that is my sanity. Cause thats what I have left at this point. There so much one can take while you on this ride call life. Im at the point that I just have had enough of people playing in my face and with my mind.

I keep being loved and then find out that Im a means to an end and my usfuleness has wornout. I was good enough when it counted the most and then replaced. And this time around its double. I believe I did the best with what I knew. I know I tried and with all good intentions. But thats when I saw that too many things happening at one time started to hurt more than I could take.

I said everything that I needed to say, I meant everything I needed to say. Yet, the words were said loudly but heard silently. I wake up everyday thinking is this the day I get off. Delete. Delete. Delete.

The peace of sanity I started to have went away and then everything started to just get darker as time went. I believe I put up with enough. It hurts when you see too much of something bad and it keeps hurting. You start to feel hollow inside. You start crying inside. Your start screaming inside. And forget you can live in peace. I think I see my stop coming up soon. I have been patient enough, and gave all I had. I couldn't get a pat on my damn head. It's time I get off. I dont think my soul can bare much of dancing in these clown shoes. Gig is only temporary until you worn out whatever usefulness you have and its "get out" after your last show.