some food for thought, some food for death

how do people use/browse Tumblr these days? has the dashboard changed much? initial impressions feel like there is a bit more of an algorithmic influence than say ~5yrs ago, but still overall feels still somewhat more raw and 'pure internet' when compared to how other platforms have changed in a similar timeframe. what's your thoughts?

if you see this post pls interact w it? if U like

Tumblr!! thanks for being there for me during difficult emo times, and beyond, and sharing so much cool writing and art and expanding all of our perspectives and capacities . I learned so much from this website, and here I am returning like a Dog, hoping there is still a Home here somewhere..

the internet sux and all the apps are algorithm hell and all too often i feel so cynical about any community let alone the '''''virtual ''''' .. but then again the internet gave us so much and there is so much going on beneath the many surfaces we see and touch. interfaces IN UR FACES. so im gonna give the ol toomblur another go cos who knows there might indeed be hope yet!

anyways i finally did my book thing, it came out in nov 2021 and it's called *apocalypse scroll like it was normal* and you can get it worldwide delivered from subbed.in or other book retailers, Just Search 4 It. Thank U again to every cunt here who ever gave any shit at all abt anything i ever wrote!!

(maybe?I'll make another tumblr because who knows maybe the algorithm has decided this account stinks because it hasn't posted for 5+yrs so it is certainly a decomposing rot heap that deserves no space on any dashboard . Is it true? Let me know, thank you, kind regards, in Faith and Sincerity and Serenity.)

decided to start posting here again, hello, welcome, thank you

i'm feeling excited abt 2015 and the internet and writing and cool talented ppl from australia doing cool things

i'm feeling excited abt believing harder in myself and the ppl around me and the things we're trying to do here while we're alive

i'm feeling excited abt 'the process', i think i forgot abt 'the process'

i want to try harder to remember and believe in 'the process', i want to be less self-critical and self-censoring, i want to feel as excited abt writing and the internet as i did like, ~12-24 months ago maybe

i just went and checked old posts and that seems accurate, seems like i first found 'alt' writing/etc around april 2013, which i feel is when i really started to idk 'believe in' this, 'take it seriously'

as in, the ability of (especially young) ppl and the internet and creative expression to truly impact the world in a positive and meaningful way, or something

i don't know, in some ways, i feel more excited and certain abt these things than i ever have before

but, things change, things are always changing, the world is getting more complex or maybe we're just getting better at identifying and understanding its complexities

maybe we're just 'growing up', i don't know

things have definitely changed either way, reading these old poems from ~2 years ago is making me feel various things

i feel sad because a lot of them seem sad, seems like the person who wrote them was really sad when they wrote them, like they wanted to connect with something, like they were really trying to figure something out

i feel uncomfortable abt some of them, some of them seem like, selfish or self-indulgent or something, some of them i don't really want on the internet anymore, i'll make some old posts private i think, when i get around to it

i feel good abt it overall though, feels exciting and humbling and affirming and other things to see what i was feeling and thinking ~2 years ago, with what i'm feeling and thinking now

at this moment, 8:39pm, March 8, 2015

i feel calm, but also excited and also a bit afraid, but mostly just happy to be here, happy to keep going and to see how it all happens

i feel grateful also, for the ppl in my life and for the internet and for delicious food and the sky and cooler weather and other nice things

i just want to make the most of it, u know, while i'm here, in my one life

i just want to make people feel things, before it's 'too late', or something

it always feels like it's almost going to be 'too late', or something

i don't know, i guess it's ok

seems fine, seems mostly good, to be alive

just gotta 'keep going', until u can go no longer

anyway, thanks for being here

i'm glad we could make it this far

life hack: always try to eat a good breakfast, even (and maybe especially) when you're feeling shitty and impossible. even if it's only a glass of water and a single serving of fruit, your body will appreciate it and likely you'll feel at least a little bit better having done something beneficial for your physical body.

life hack: remember that life can sometimes be a bit overwhelming. that's okay i think. at these times, try to focus on the little things, like getting out of bed and feeding yourself, like cleaning your desk and writing something on the internet, like having friends and sometimes smiling at them as well. remember all of your victories but maybe especially remember the little ones. remember five years ago feeling like you weren't moving but maybe especially remember the fact that you always are.

life hack: remember that you're still here. remember 2 billion years of evolution. remember the trees and remember the ocean and remember the sky. remember that every time you didn't give up you were making a conscious decision to continue winning.

this is the 992nd post on this blog. the reason i basically stopped posting is because ~12 months ago i made a really stupid promise to release my book on the 1000th post. i didn't expect to be writing that same book for over a year, but here i am. here we are. who's here with me? goddamn. it feels like nobody. sorry, i'm just being dramatic again. i have the internet and a family so i should be grateful, i think. i wonder if it's healthy to actively resist feeling sad using logic. maybe this is why i'm like this. god, being dramatic again. i'm not like anything. i'm okay, just sad, tired, frustrated. always excited and grateful. always knowing it'll get better. you don't need to tell me but thank you. i don't know. i had to vent somewhere. just something somewhere. i feel like maybe ~12-24 months ago i was a lot more indiscriminate or something with where i put my feelings. real 'heart on ur sleeve' type shit. but it's so cold now. i've become so cold. not cold. i don't know. i still feel so much. i feel so much but it's always so internalized now. it's on the inside. it's something heavy and dark always. dramatic. who gives a fuck, we're sad and we're on the internet. i'm trying to communicate something right now but it's so impossible. i'm just so unhappy. it doesn't take much to remind me of that. i try my hardest all the time to be optimistic and hopeful but goddamn. sometimes it's this stupid and childish feeling of 'why me'. like, why couldn't i just be a simple idiot. just a simple idiot that didn't think about anything. just lifting weights and getting laid. shouts out to all the simple idiots out there just lifting weights and getting laid. i'm going to delete this post in a couple of hours. i'm embarrassed that i'm feeling any of this. gotta be the man, bro. gotta be that dude that knows. gotta be that grown dude that knows. like fuck outta here. i want to try and summarize something. summarize the inside of me. dot point summary that shit. i'm sad as fuck. i have maybe one friend and he's maybe as insane as i am. i have other friends but i don't know how to talk to them. no, that isn't true. i love all of them so much. i post things on facebook and pray that it makes sense to them. pray that it makes them smile. in the dark in my room i pray that my internet presence is enough for my stupid fucking friends to realize that i'm trying. god. do you understand this. do you know what i'm trying to say. i don't care. i'm going to finish this book in the next 4 weeks and i don't care. maybe it was never worth writing but i don't care. maybe i've spent over a year losing my mind for nothing and i don't care. i'm sad as fuck and i don't care. need to be that dude, bro. need to be that dude that knows.

i don't feel any different. i am going to read this in the morning i guess. i'm sorry if you read this but really i'm not. i said i was sorry because it made me feel less something but really i don't care. i don't know. why are you reading this. i just want to talk to someone. like two weeks ago a friend told me some real shit. like that real real shit. like showing someone the bruises on your soul kinda real shit. and i tried my best to just listen but god. i wanted to cry for all the pain in everyone. it made me remember how much i've forgotten. like i forgot what that felt like. i forgot what it felt like to be human beings trying to survive together. i forgot what it felt like to be vulnerable, and to have someone be vulnerable with you.

i think that's what i'm trying to say. i've felt pretty fine for a long time now but i think being reminded of these things has made me realize how cold i've let everything become. everything i write now feels cold. the words are dead on the screen. all i ever think about is the sky falling and the waves crashing and me writing a fucking book about all of it. so here i am. here i am feeling dead and cold. here i am feeling 'stuck' and wondering if you ever feel the same way.

this thing i wrote called 'the sound of ~30 people crying in a small room after experiencing something really profound and 'transcendent' or something' is in the april issue of the bohemyth and you can read it here

on a cold and slightly damp mattress

wet grass and street lights and a thousand million stars in the sky

it's easy to say things like:

'in 5 years all of this will only be a moment that happened 5 years ago'

felt like 'doing something crazy' for a moment there when i saw the high school behind the fences and the gates

the windows dark and empty

broken a little bit and the posters still on the walls

high and walking in the sort of middle of very empty streets and feeling like nobody will ever know

like, what this feels like

or something, i don't know

on my soul

like it's quiet and i want to talk to the moon or at least the trees but they don't seem to want to be disturbed

i don't know, just walk down the middle of this road with me or something

use your smartphone to film a cool video that we can edit later and post on the internet

like it doesn't have to mean anything

none of this has to mean anything