I find it interesting that every time the topic of bullying and mistreatment in the lolita community comes up people would rather gaslight people bringing the issues up rather than address the fact that it is real and absolutely happens.
Covert underhanded bullying is still bullying and just because you intentionally bully people in a way that’s normalized doesn’t make it any better.
There **is** undeniably an issue with harmful behaviors in the Lolita community- condescension, social exclusion, “jokes” at people’s expensive are the foundation and outright hostility is less common but still happens.
Telling a victim of mistreatment or someone who feels they were bullied or mistreated that it “didn’t happen” or that it “wasn’t the intention” instead of calling out the fact that tone does in fact matter isn’t helpful.
Being condescending to people or overly hostile is mistreatment. That’s the bottom line. If you don’t see it happening or feel the need to defend these covert behaviors you may in fact be part of the problem.
And I know where it comes from: the need to feel powerful or included. Same place it comes from in school or other social avenues.
I know how it feels to not be secure in your cording ability, or your knowledge, or feel as if you aren’t competent enough- and the desire to be hostile to others to “prove” that you’re an authority / competent / knowledgeable
However knowing that’s where it comes from doesn’t excuse it. If you punch down to lift yourself up you’re part of the issue.
If you’re condescending to people, or combative, or exclude them intentionally to feel like you’re part of the in crowd or preserve whatever social hierarchy is set up you are part of the problem.
The victims of this behavior in the Lolita community are afraid to speak out because so many “experienced” Lolita’s and community organizers will very quickly find any way to discredit their experiences and run them offline.
You’ll be kicked from communities and groups for simply disagreeing with people, or simply speaking about your actual experiences.
I rlly just think that it is a serious issue and it needs to stop being brushed off and dismissed.
“Well if people just researched….” Things wouldn’t change. There isn’t room for actual discussion and differing opinions without being met with genuine hostility.
Just because you aren’t body shaming or insulting people to their faces or behind their backs doesn’t mean you aren’t bullying people.
Social exclusion and covert tactics are still bullying point blank. Period.
Attacking and being condescending and hostile towards someone for simply disagreeing with you or sharing their opinion is bullying. If you do this you are legitimately a mean person.
If you genuinely can’t tell the difference between being helpful and explaining something to someone / disagreeing / debating and outright bullying someone you shouldn’t be in social groups in the first place
Stop letting people feign ignorance about mistreating people. Hold people accountable.
