i want to be well

it’s either or both

so fucking sexy of me

idk if it’s bpd or cptsd maybw neither maybe both

i think it’s stupid how it feels like i’m in a burning house and every time i make the slightest shift my skin burns. nobody ever listens to me and nobody ever believes me and as i write that i’m remembering how i should ideally avoid extreme words like nobody and always and forever but isn’t that how it actually feels? it feels extreme and overwhelming. 

but whatever. fake it til you make it. fine then, it isn’t that final -- or is it? so annoying. who fucking cares.

i think there’s so much power in the word ‘whatever’. like i could be drowning in whatever the fuck has triggered me this time and chanting that word feels like physically beating down all the stupid feelings until they’re out of my sight for at least a moment.

i hate apathy so much. i think i still do. but if that’s what makes things easier then i’ll do that and be the thing i hate the most. not like i have much of a choice. plus there’s the opposite action thing, which reminds me i haven’t looked at the dbt book in forever. or the cptsd workbook.

soft copies are so annoying and i wish i had physical copies of the actual books. but that costs money like literally everything else. whatever.

whatever whatever whatever.

so annoying how nobody actually understands anything. everyone has these concrete beliefs that they hold onto and they’ve already formed mostly solid opinions about who i am and no matter how much i actually speak up, the words don’t usually reach anyone and they just hear what they want to hear.

will people actually take me seriously? even if their opinions about me aren’t necessarily negative like how some get intimidated because of what they’ve heard about me, it still doesn’t feel great and at worst it’s yet another version of that pedestal metaphor.

i need therapy and thinking abt it makes me so mad and dizzy

im tired of diy stuff im sick of taking care of myself