Walking through life while holding my breath is a specialty of mine. There’s this song, Waving Through a Window, that explains what I mean to a tee. I often find myself repeating a few lines throughout the day.

“Step out, step out of the sun…”

That’s another thing I’m really good at, stepping out of the light, any light. I once dreamed of being a singer. My mom told me I couldn’t sing, so I’m not a singer. Then I dreamed of acting, never got the lead role. Dancing, I’m too fat. There was being a makeup artist, a Dj, an influencer , a YouTuber, and on and on. The moment I’m told, or I believe I’m not good at one thing I stop doing that thing. I’m a quitter. But I like to think I’m a quitter because I’m protecting my mental health. If I quit, I don’t have to think. There’s no thoughts about how my performance sucked. I can forget how awful a clients makeup turned out. I’ll never have to see the look of disappointment on a crowd of peoples faces due to a bad set. Those thoughts will never occur if I don’t do the thing. 

“Step out of the sun if you keep getting burned.”

The burning comes the minute I slip into a negative space mentally. The second I feel embarrassed, nervous, anxious, doubtful, I will immediately start the negative self talk. I’ll keep burning, negatively speaking to myself over and over until it’s 4am. Then suddenly I’m in a circle of convincing myself to try whichever thing again, failing, and burning, again.

“No slipping up if you slip away.”

How true is that? So I’ve quit another thing. I no longer feel the embarrassment, the nerves or the anxiety. Why would I choose to make mistakes when I can choose to not. A Jack of all trades is a master of none. So sure I can hold a tune, I can bust into an 8 count. My makeup looks better than an average persons, I can even edit videos. Could I be really good at any of those things? 

“Will I be more than I’ve always been?”

For the last four years, post breakup, I’ve scrolled to the bottom of my Instagram story viewers list looking for one name. I now do this subconsciously and I don’t get disappointed when his name isn’t listed. But there is always that thought, lingering. Over time I’ve accepted that when he does pop in, it’s just him popping in. It’s not us sharing that same thought. But recently I noticed that his life and current,four year long, relationship has gotten extra serious. So I thought I’d seen the last of him “popping” in. I was content with that, after all it’s been a long time.