it is what it is

The month that brings all the pain back. Stella never felt that way before. Every thought was of Max and the blonde girl. It made her physically sick. It was debilitating.

Last December she was sad. Thoughts of the previous year and hurt she experienced consumed her mind some days. She convinced herself she was over it. She was glad it was over. Sad it occurred, never wanted to relive it.

This December she thinks of the events and feelings she faced and rolled her eyes. Her heart no longer feels like it’s cracking into a million pieces when thinking about two December’s ago. She didn’t want to think about Max and the blonde girl. She was not jealous of the blonde girl anymore, and what she took from Stella. Envy was gone. Hurt, pain, sadness: a distant feeling. She acknowledges and remembers the pain briefly, but does not wish for Max back. She doesn’t wish for things to have turned out another way. She doesn’t want to be in Max’s’ life. She still hates the blonde girl for her actions and idiocy, she hates Max for his actions and arrogance and utter ignorance and stupidity.

Stella was heartbroken. A month felt like forever. She felt so much grief and pain that she could barley eat, or do anything but sleep. If she was happy, one second later she would be reminded of the pain Max left her with and she would automatically wish she was in her bed.

Nothing made her happy. She wanted revenge. She didn’t feel like herself and wanted to do anything to make Max feel how she did…or even the blonde girl. But she refrained.

It was winter and the snow falling and freezing cold air was an exact representation of how she was feeling inside. She felt like there was no hope for happiness. All she wanted to do was be happy again, but there was no way that was possible. Not in her mind.

She missed having someone their for her all the time, but in a different way from having a friend or family member being there for you. She wanted someone there for her on a deeper level. 

She knew this made her sound lonely. Desperate even. But she didn’t care.

She went on social media, ended up meeting a few guys, and reconnecting with ones from school. She played around with the texts and Instagram messages. She sent snapchats to boys she was just entertaining for fun. But none of this really took her mind off of Max.

She felt like there was no hope, yet again. She would just entertain a boy or two…or three, until she got bored. 

This is when she met Ben.