Words that go unheard

depression: no

anxiety: yes

I could really use a doctor. or my medications. or an apple. or a hug. 

Instead of starting a movie at, I don’t know, 1:40am I’m going to list to music and write because I haven’t done that in a minute.

One thing about starving like this that people don’t see/ understand/ recognize is when I am actually given, like, a full plate of food? My eyes are much, much bigger than my stomach. This is sad and frustrating for me because I look at the full plate and think of how long I could stretch it out for. Two, three days? When you’re consuming maybe 500-800 calories a day, mostly in liquid form, to see and actually eat food is.... a privilege. I don’t even have the right word. Anyway, point is, I had food today when I saw my sister and it was delicious. We ate cole slaw and I ate pulled pork. I know, I know, my Jew guilt is so real. 

I think when I tell people I’m starving, they think I’m kidding... or somehow being facetious. Except I’m not. For instance, yesterday (Friday) I was at the point where my heart rate was at 39bpm after running up 3 flights of stairs and all I could do was let the room spin while I tried to stop sweating so profusely. If you run up 50 stairs and your heart rate immediately after the fact is 39? There’s a fuckin problem.And the problem is my body is shutting down. I know this. 

I’m trying to get a job and after tons of interviews, I’m waiting for call backs. This is why the weekend sucks- the waiting. I’m distracting myself with Marshal and beach time and I got invited (with a ride!) to the Black Lives Matter rally in Lewiston tomorrow night (Sunday.) Until I get a job and my previous job finally pays me, I am broke as fuck... thus why I’m starving. 

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight because of it and I’m trying to... I don’t know... be grateful for that? Without having it trigger my eating disorder shit. Surprisingly, that hasn’t really happened because I have absolutely nothing to restrict. Anything I eat is getting used as energy only since there are plenty of days that I go without entirely. Anyway, my starving probably seems insignificant because I’m overweight. I get that, I could afford to lose weight, but probably not by being so poor I literally can’t eat? And there are so many travelers right now, even the garbage is usually picked clean in the OP. 

You are what you eat. Some days I’m nothing, some days I’m only water, 

He killed himself.

I went to a Black Lives Matter protest either the day of or day after he died...

I found out he was dead after the fact from some traveler kids who were at the protest. They crashed at my place and told me this. 

Yesterday, I went to a poetry slam and so many people from the protest were there. Strangers until we shouted together. Strangers until we tried to protect Black and Brown lives and the police tossed us aside to arrest those who were being given space to grieve. 

We aren’t strangers anymore. We have faces and names, we’re activists. We know who our own are now.

It only takes one.

When you don’t know what else to do

and you just want to die all the time

make a casual encounters ad on Craigslist

respond to every email

choose the nice guy

find out the nice guy

wants you to puke on his dick

wants to

lick your feet

suppose you don’t like that shit

and you leave

because being on a boat 

isn’t worth all that unsanitary mess

and you leave

because you’re a Virgo

and you have better things to do.

Better ways to not die than

choking on your own vomit

and some old man’s dick.

You go home and smoke some pot

think about washing the puke off

your trashy self.

Look at you, so alive

so willing to let the world

face fuck you on a boat

you would do anything to stay alive