Politics (the less depressing version)

There are multiple things to address such as religious freedoms, personal oppositions, and what you’ve been misled to believe this vote is about. 

Let’s start with the anti-equality ad that ran recently. Now that’s a whole thing to unpack but the gist of it is that the Safe Schools Program is evil and destroying our society. For starters: this vote isn’t about that. And also Safe Schools (which was introduced under Tony Abbott’s government in 2014) has been defunded. It was also voluntary so the scaremongering of “these programs are compulsory” is false. So fear not! Your concerns over a program were unfounded, and then your concerns that this vote was related to aforementioned program were also unfounded. Relaxing to know the truth isn’t it?

But let’s talk about kids for a moment. We all care about the children. Well, we care about children. If we decrease homophobic bullying it saves lives. Period. That includes straight children. Shocking! You mean there’s a benefit for straight people too? Finally a reason to get on board! So your kids (and I guess LGBT ones too or something) don’t kill themselves from depression caused by bullying. When marriage equality is made legal youth suicides drop. I repeat: WHEN MARRIAGE EQUALITY IS MADE LEGAL YOUTH SUICIDES DROP. (Oh hey, something actually relevant to the issue at hand)

But what’s the point of literally saving lives if those children have to be raised by a same sex couple? Well fear not! Because research shows that there’s no negative effects to being raised by a same sex couple! Want more proof of that? Here you go. But that’s also irrelevant as same sex couples can already adopt kids. So that’s also a non-issue.

It seems like thus far half of the No campaign’s opposition isn’t even marriage related. So let’s get down to some specifically marriage related things:

Religious freedoms. If marriage equality passes will celebrants be FORCED to marry gay couples despite religious opposition? No! Not even remotely! Attorney General George Brandis is going to assure you of that! Celebrants (religious or otherwise) are already allowed to reject couples based on any variety of reasons. A celebrant who weds a couple is often a very personal thing and the three people know each other prior. Churches can already deny people to be legally married simply because they’re the wrong denomination of Christianity. There’s no legal obligation for a celebrant to take up a booking the moment someone fills in whatever paperwork is necessary. Gay people aren’t somehow wizards all called Simon ready to go “Simon says… marry me and my fiance… who is also called Simon.”* They can’t force you to marry them.

*#notallgaysarecalledSimon

Isn’t that basically it? That’s the main one right? You’re scared your religious freedoms won’t be left intact. Well The Liberals are big on religious freedoms anyway so stop worrying and using that as an excuse to vote no. It’s hollow and unfounded (which is good news for you! I hear Christians are big into good news)

Moral aspects: OK so you think gay people are immoral and wrong. But do they really deserve to be actively hurt by you? If your answer is “yes. I hate them so much I want to suffer” then I guess you’re just evil. But if you’d like to think of yourself as Not-An-Evil-Person then consider the following: Why hurt others? As previously mentioned up above: voting no will hurt people. Not just children (seriously wasn’t “decrease in youth suicides” not a good enough reason by itself?) but consenting adults. You may be thinking “but I don’t want to hurt anyone! I just don’t morally agree with it for (insert reason here)! Is that really that bad?” And look, I get it. Morality is a complex issue with a lot of grey areas that hold personal value to you. You may have no intention of hurting LGBT+ people and think voting no is harmless but the truth is: it isn’t. There are a lot of different motivations in the “no” campaign from malicious to personal but in the end they all have one unified goal: deny rights and dignity to LGBT+ people. It is unavoidable to harm someone by voting no. It is an active decision to do so, whether that is intentional or otherwise, and you must understand that. This matters SO MUCH to the LGBT+ community. SO MUCH. Why deny someone something so valuable if it has no effect on you?

Morality is subjective, yes. But a good way to cross personal/community boundaries for what is right and wrong on an overall sense is to look at how harmful an action is and whether that harm is to prevent a greater harm. If marriage equality passes there will be no negative consequences. That’s a fact. You won’t be personally affected by it in any way. Anything you have heard otherwise is obfuscation and lies. But voting no is undeniably harmful for no personal gain. You may not like gay people… but that’s not necessary. You just need to accept that your personal ideologies are different and that this is no reason to cause people you disagree with harm. Is that really that hard just to agree to disagree and let people do their own harmless thing?

“No religion” is now Australia’s most popular religious affiliation

Australia’s latest census data revealed that for the first time ever “no religion” was the country’s most popular single religious affiliation. 

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, the percentage of those identifying as “no religion” rose from 19% in 2006 to 30% in 2016.

The ABS said that the percentage has been rising for decades — and the trend is accelerating, driven by young people.

The Commonwealth has agreed to pay out $70 million to Manus Island detainees in a class action settlement.

“This settlement is due to the “alleged mistreatment” and breach of our duty of care* of detainees on the island,” a spokesperson for the government said.

*straight up fucking torture

“And - of course - this settlement isn’t an admission of guilt. It’s just to avoid spending time in court to save money and not at all to prevent refugees, doctors, and security guards giving damning evidence of what happens in detention centres. Really, the people to blame here at PNG authorities who imprisoned them.*” the spokesperson continued as a genuine excuse that they thought would work.

*under our specific orders even after PNG courts decided it was illegal and told us to shut down the detention centre

“”Why did they do that?” I hear you ask? Why Labor of course! They have so much legal problems going on it’s hardly fair to focus on our “mistreatment”* of a few thousand boat people**.”

*again, torture

**genuine refugees

“Now if you excuse me, my car is parked in a loading zone - by no fault of my own - and I think the person it’s parked on top of wishes me to move it before I get a parking fine - which will also is no fault of my own.*”

Tony Abbott and Peter Dutton have condemned the government’s $70m compensation for 1,905 refugees on Manus Island in a class action case.

“It’s unfair, it makes us look like we’re at fault here” said Dutton. “We don’t control the overseas persecution and conflict that is causing people to flee here for safety that we refuse to provide. I’m just doing my job as Minister of Needless Torture and Immigration.”

“Shhhh, that’s your secret title,” Liberal back bencher and self appointed Minister of Whinging, Tony Abbott whispered harshly. “We only use that in the party room - not in public.”

The record pay out has been met with welcome by human rights activists and legal advocates and tortured wails from Tony Abbott.

To Whom It May Concern:

A lot of people have expressed a desire for an update on President Donald J. Trump’s health since his inauguration. I have been the personal physician of President Donald J. Trump since 1980 and I am here to say that Mr. Trump’s health is absolutely better than ever.

Since being sworn in, Donald Trump has lost 50 pounds and gained 17 inches of height. He’s the longest president who has ever lived. His livers are both functioning flawlessly. His blood sets an all-time record for the state of New York for “most” and his blood pressure was rated “excellent” by seven different Fox News Twitter polls. He doesn’t even have one cholesterol.

I can say this unequivocally: Donald Trump has the most bones. Scientists estimate that he now has around 900 bones in his body and more are being discovered every day. Some of those bones have never been seen before. They allow him to be really good at presidential things like signing executive orders and making love nightly to his wife who wants him to.

Mr. Trump’s test results have been astonishingly excellent. He actually has a blood type we’ve never seen before: “All.” It’s both the universal donor and universal recipient, and sprinkling it on your penis makes your penis bigger. Mr. Trump’s blood is gorgeous. It has a rich color that’s hard to describe, but if I had to put it into words, I might call it “red.”

President Donald Trump has no family history of cancer, diabetes, or death. The president’s family members are immortal beings that walk the earth without end, craving the sweet release of death that will never come unless they make a deal with a cool witch. Donald Trump will never die, he will just keep growing vertically forever until he lives in space. It’s really astonishing.

His physical strength is extraordinary. He can lift as much as a mother whose child is trapped under a car, but he’s more attractive than that mother and he hasn’t let himself go like she has. Have you seen the way she dresses lately? The hypothetical mother in this simile is a total chunk. 4 at best. As the famous doctor Hippocrates once said, “Would not hit.”

Since the Inauguration, Mr. Trump has kept an extremely active lifestyle. He starts every morning by walking straight up into the sky and then walking down again. He also visits me regularly for checkups. Mr. Trump doesn’t let me touch him because of gay, so I just eyeball it and give him a once over. I can usually tell just by looking how much blood is in him that day or which liver has taken the lead, so it’s not a super intensive process.

Mr. Trump is not only the healthiest president that has ever served, but also the most handsome. I usually want to kiss President Trump when I see him, but I would never break the doctor-patient trust, so instead I kiss the portrait of him I drew on my little note pad. There have been no presidents that even come close to President Trump in terms of overall health and hotness. Franklin Pierce was pretty hot, but his body wasn’t great. James Garfield was more cute than hot. President Trump is the total package. I know this because of my stethoscope.

Just to give a little more background on me, I’ve been a doctor for years. I got into medicine the same way a lot of doctors do: I once took an unmarked pill that I found under a toilet in a public restroom, and the next thing I knew, I was blacked out doing surgery on a man on a Benihana table with the big knives they got over there. I flipped this guy’s appendix right into my hat. And that’s when I caught the bug, for surgery and for tetanus!

Now, I want to address some of the slanderous things that have been said about me. It’s just like these coastal elites to say I’m not qualified as a physician. They think you need fancy things, like a diploma from Harvard Med School or a diploma from a med school or a GED or a car or medicine or clean hands. You don’t need those to be a doctor! All you need is the right attitude and a good sense of humor and to be Jewish and a blank death certificate just in case!

This is America. We’re not “fancy” here. You’re supposed to be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and put a bunch of clamps in a guy and see what tubes you can clamp up without making him sleep forever. My grandfather was a blue-collar worker, and so was my father. I am a red-collar worker because my collar is always covered in spurting blood. I may not know art or science or what a “lung” is, but I do know that I love America and am a lung-doctor!

Because of my love of America and Donald Trump, it is an honor to be his physician. Donald Trump could teach us all a thing or two about health. Not only is he the healthiest human ever, but also the healthiest dog, house and Faberge Egg. I wish him luck as he continues on his endless journey.

Love,

The pie-facing of QANTAS boss Alan Joyce may seem initially like a novelty odd news story but it’s actually quite horrible. Joyce intends to press assault charges against the man, Tony Overheu and should. The man attacked Joyce an openly gay man for being a vocal supporter of marriage equality. The man wanted equal rights and got assaulted on TV for it. A less harmful assault than what a lot of openly gay people receive for being gay, but an assault all the same. Overheu’s reasoning?

“When the community is grumpy, figures who are overstepping the line have got to anticipate there will be pushback in some shape or form.”

A One Nation candidate Mark Ellis resigns after allegations of kidnapping resurfaced online.

“The allegations of kidnapping were found to be invalid by a court! They came with me voluntarily! Sure, there was mentions of cutting fingers and we took their shoes, but they agreed to come with us in the end so it technically not kidnapping!” he said in reference to that time he, as a police officer, left 3 indigenous children stranded 12km out of town in 1994, which was only 23 years ago and so when he says “a 30 year old incident” we can only assume he’s getting confused about which of his multiple alleged kidnapping incidents he is meant to be defending himself against.

“Could be worse though,” he continued. “People could be focusing on how I mowed a swastika into my backyard and saluted it, then posted it on Facebook. I’m glad that one’s getting far less media attention.”

“But to be fair there’s just so much to choose from. The kidnapping incident, the nazi stuff, or the death threat I sent to a former employee. How can the media choose one aspect of me to focus on when I am such a complex and diverse piece of shit?”

It has become a long standing tradition for One Nation candidates to have their horrible pasts brought up to be used against them to prove their worth as controversial and despicable human beings.

Pauline Hanson has urged Australians to eat only non-halal Easter eggs.

“Cadbury is no good! I personally prefer Lindt, for they don’t cave in to this PC Lefty bullshit of making halal Easter eggs. They make sure there’s pig’s blood in every single one! Just like how my mother used to make.”

She bit into one. Blood and nougat burst from the core.

“Mmmm… delicious.” She reached for a chocolate bunny and, with one swift bite, severed its head clean in two. “Oh my, this one is particularly bloody. How very Australian.”

They’re all going on holidays. Here’s Clive returning to Australia after a disappointing trip where there weren’t enough tim tams overseas: