What Makes me Feel Alive

I feel awful. Mentally tired. I need to work but I loathe being forced to create right now. I do not want to be creative so much so that I cannot force myself too. If I start working, I start HATING. I get angry. Even if I push through and get it done I am not satisfied with the result because I did not try. I think I need a break. I've been doing so much with no real time to myself. I don't know how to give myself time. It's not just about securing the time itself, it's using it right. Im trying to take a break tonight to be ready for tomorrow but I can't help but feel like crap about myself right now. I feel lazy. I have no confidence. No desire to play. Im emotionally radar jamming myself to the point that I can't detect what I actually want or need.

I woke up horribly depressed. But I'm proud I managed to stick to my schedule just in a different way than usual. I did my tasks backwards and focused on finishing the quickest stuff first. I did work last which usually scares me. I did some difficult inner child work. Felt some things. I'm going through something really hard right now and I can't even tell the person it involves. I'm aware of my own desperate needs and how I don't want to act on them but I'm constantly urged to. I keep reliving old hurt and loneliness. It's been bad enough that I finally called the clinic and asked about their mental health services in town. Hopefully I can find something affordable since they use the same sliding fee scale.

Tomorrow I have coffee with Turkey like every Friday. I also want to attend TDS like I said I would, I've missed 2 weeks now. I offered to play Undertale with Matt so we'll see what he says.

Modded Skyrim has been pretty fun.

I experience a moment of extreme lucidity. I saw who I was and I put myself in the shoes of everyone I knew at once. I realized who cared and didn't' care. For just a brief moment I realized who deserves my attention and who doesn't. I feel foolish having lost touch with that already. I deserve so much better.

All day I've felt nostalgic. This morning I yearned to experience a sort of early 2000s girlhood. I had girl friends when I was a kid and what they were conditioned to experience felt more up my alley than what I had. In the evening I started thinking about a time just a few years ago when I had what felt like a partner and a friend circle with more potential. These days I feel lonely and like there will be no growth or change. But I feel that way in my nostalgic memories too because they literally cannot grow and change. Today was just weird. At some point I felt nothing. I went and laid down on the floor for a little bit. I didn't feel repressed, I felt nothing. Tonight I tried Star Stable again. I dont like to preach my hopeless feelings but it feels like anything I do might have no point when I think about it long term. I think about my energy levels and what I choose to do with my time. Maybe it's because I don't know what I really want yet, as in what will make me feel good or satisfy me. So nothing serves any goal. Right now every day consists of tasks that serve to keep me busy but that slowly drain me. I don't usually look forward to them. They moreso keep me from rotting or going crazy. I'd like to find a way to live that has me waking up with some kind of optimism.

I played a good few hours of Skyrim today. Played around with the mods too. There are things I want to try and fix but might not be able to. For lunch I went over to my parents to make chili dog mac for Turkey and I while we watched the new Digital Circus. While cooking I did about 30 minutes of drawing. I remember feeling something akin to shame that I couldn't let myself sit down and experience what I was feeling while drawing. So I made myself do it and got into the flow. Tonight Matt and I watched the Speed Racer movie. He always picks 2+ hour movies and it almost pushed into getting ready for bed time.

I REALLY wanna be more invested with my female horse character. Something about her just isn't right. My sonas so far have just been me. This is a genderbent version of me. I think there is a part of me that I want to inhabit her but the connection isn't there. It's making her feel hollow. I like her design and I have a lot of uses for a character like her but she just doesn't hit right now like my conventional sonas. I wish she did. Im trying to force it but that's not working. Briefly while drawing her one time I felt VERY connected with her but that was only once. I wonder why. I think at that time I felt a deep respect for this female presenting part of myself. Maybe it's my inner mom or something like that. Part of the problem might be what I'm trying to use her for. I want to break her down like I've done to my other characters. Maybe thats too disrespectful to her being right now. Maybe she needs to be built up before that can be a good thing to do if it's a good thing at all.

I HATE rationalizing and intellectualizing. I heard someone who has trouble comprehending emotions can resort to over-rationalization instead and I think I do that. It doesn't work, hasn't for years. Its just shitty because I'm so used to it. I'm also used to getting everything OUT for the world to see which I don't want to do as much anymore either. It feels good but also overwhelming. There is so much inside of me, it's like trying to wrangle control over some kind of chaotic energy. I know I can do it but I have to practice it. Me alone.

I cry over her a lot. I wonder when it's finally going to stop. I want to be over it already.

Im noticing the main way I experience and process emotions is through sexual means. This isn't new information but this is prevalent today. It feels difficult not to express myself through a non-degrading act. And even this method of expression has worn itself thin over time. I have to try pretty hard to stay open to more conventional channels of expression.

She's not sad about things, I am. I am sad. I want to be closer. She doesn't. It's hard to process that. That's what I have trouble grasping. I turn every sign of friendliness into something more than it is. It really really sucks. There is nothing for me to do except be sad about it. That's grieving. Memories are dead. I miss my best friend.

I did the bare minimum of work this morning. Because I was feeling very down and needed to sulk. I sort of napped on my desk before getting started. Then I did today's request (which turned out great) and finished a comm someone double-paid for so thats what set me for the day and tomorrow. Then I waited for my dental appointment. I had oatmeal and spam for breakfast like I do any day something important needs to happen because it's really good for my tummy. Lunch was some butter noodles. The appointment went better than I thought as usual. It was pretty much the same as the other fillings except the injection hurt more. Now my molar is repaired with a brand new white filling and it looks great. We went to the dollar store afterwards so I could get some canned food in preparation for the wind storm tomorrow. When I got home I worked on my VR world a bit. I think I can have it done Friday, it's basically completely done. I did spend 30 minutes figuring out a really dumb issue though. Spooder and I watched the Red Faction movie tonight and found out even the youtube vrchat worlds dont work at the moment.

Im really not sure what holds me together right now. I do my work diligently but I sort of don't know how. I've increased my work load but I'm not being drained so much by it. I can't say I feel terribly engaged in it or rewarded from it. Maybe it's just distracting. I feel like Im in denial, desperately hoping things are better than I think but I know at some point I have to snap back to reality. I sort of forgot my dad died because it hasn't changed much in my life but I think it's going to hit me again later. Unicorn and I have been distant for a long long time and I've fallen back into the delusion that we are closer than we are. I regressed in that sense because I was doing so much better than now. My life in general is quite lonely and I think I've lost my sense of fun. I truly a lost on what to do to help myself.

I did all my tasks again like I've been doing so thats good. But I still had a bad day feeling hollow and thinking about how much emotional control Unicorn has over me by doing literally nothing. Im so mad, at her and at myself. I feel ashamed. I feel crazy. I get completely stuck in these thought loops where it feels pointless to try anything else. I get the idea that if I think about how much I want things to change hard enough, they will. But obviously that doesn't work. And since I don't want anything else, thinking about anything else is pointless. I usually end up killing time and staying distracted but that's an awful way to live. I stay stuck when I do that. Something really needs to change. I need my emotional needs met somehow. I need a better self image. I need to convince myself I'm worthy of something better because otherwise I'm going to keep letting myself settle for a relationship that doesn't even exist. God it's so frustrating.