an impossible thing

Celebrated with fanfare and fireworks, while liberty dies silently as we sleep.

Crimes against all our people and no justice for our children.

Only corruption and wickedness by men driven to fight the Creator;

By their false gods of death and lies.

Ruling the world, seeking to control heaven.

Brazen, arrogant, hypocrites, demanding God Himself bow to their humanity.

Woe to the poor, the sick, the helpless; the time of despair is now.

May the God of heaven hear the agony of the mother's of men, may He collect the tears that fall from our eyes, may He save the little ones whose cries fall on the deaf ears of men.

Turn from your sins, Ole wickedness ones, Ole poor and needy ones, turn from your sins all who breath and yet are dead.

Be in Christ.

Greetings and Salutations, I am your friendly neighbourhood Keebz. I also have a Spotify podcast on many of the topics I will be sharing from now on.

Genesis 10:1-3 NKJV

Now these are the generations of the sons of Noah, Shem, Ham, and Japheth: and unto them were sons born after the flood.

The sons of Japheth; Gomer, and Magog, and Madai, and Javen, and Tubal, and Meshech, and Tiras.

And the sons of Gomer; ASHKENAZ, and Riphath, and Togarmah.

Revelations 3:9

He qualifies the called. This was a statement I remember hearing when I was growing up and well into my teens. My grandfather was a preacher when I knew him, but before God caught his heart he wasn't much of of man. He was a drunk, party animal, and loved to dance with lots of pretty women. Some how he ended up married twice with three daughters and a whole bunch of early marriage problems. How he stayed married to my grandma was beyond me. She just kept him during it all. Then I was born and he found Jesus.

He turned his life around completely. This is when he started studying his bible everyday as often as he could, he was working jobs pretty steady at times too. He was just being a better man. He was never perfect and he had his slip ups... He was human after all but he was a good man and he was a lot like king David from the bible. He was known for his hot temper and ability to fight and his eye for pretty women. He was a well meaning man but never perfect.

God didn't call him to preach because he was a perfect man, I believe God called him to preach because he was so flawed. Who would you be more apt to listen too: a man who sounds like you or someone who you can't relate to at all?

Were you always this damaged?

Your face behind a mask?

Hiding your grotesque intentions?

When did you become so broken in your character?

When did you cross the lines that kept you from being a beast?

How could I not see past the charm and lies,

And see your demon inside?

How can you be saved from this hell you've made?

Is there any salvation to be had when you fell so far?

My heart is broken for you.

The man you were would kill the monster you became.

Is there any of him still there or do you keep him smoked away, to forget his screams in your head?

It was suppose to be heaven with you and you've made it all a hell for everyone now.

You broke what was finally back together when we got our breath of fresh air

You need to get help wherever you are.

I'm not a savior anymore, it broke me the first go round and you pulled me down

Now I'm risen back up and I won't get back in the mud to save you

That man you were would tell me not too let you

He would tell me about our dreams, our plans, and our children

He would speak on how that wasn't someone we need in our life

You became less and no one can save you this time

You need to call on God, you need to pull yourself back to that man of character

You are stronger than your demons so fight them head on

Go to rehab, go to a therapist, go to church

Romans 5:3‭-‬5 KJV

So just as a fun part of this life series I'm gonna tell you about how my first day of classes went. So we had a late start at home this beautiful morning, everyone slept through their alarms again..... Rushed out the door, got little ones to school and got my butt to school.

I spent most of the half hour I had looking for my classroom, finally found it with a few minutes to spare. The lights were out when I entered but there were at least three female students already there, i will call this the over-achievers group as normally these individuals get to class before everyone and have very good grades. So I have found myself part of this social grouping quite by accident as I am the best under-achieving under-achiever. 

I find that I have more in common with my professor than my classmates but it could still be too early to tell. I made my first friend, Taylor, in soc 101. Im excited she is a nursing student and has very great goals. Im have seen more of her type of student since I came back to college. They are the individuals who have watched their parents go to school and have great careers that gave them a full life as well as a strong foundation to achieve. I didnt have that growing up myself, but i do have a need to grow and do. Everyone ive come in contact with has had a similar story as Taylor, and Ive realized that I am doing something rare for my own family. I am legally separated from my husband, I have my children and I live in my own apartment. This isnt something women in my family have ever really done and if they did they didnt do it well. Im doing decently at breaking a family norm. 

This is no small feat by any means. Im stilll trying to juggle family, school and career training so there are good days and bad days. If Ive learned anything so far its that no matter what you have to keep smiling. Bad shit happens and its how we overcome it that shows our true strength. Ive never turned to drugs or substance for help ive faced it all crying and screaming. Ive felt like quitting, ending it all or just sleeping through it but I realized that I cant. Its not in me to give up. Ive been accused of quitting only because those people dont understand that quitting is dying but struggling despite the how it feels hopeless and trying seems like too much effort so you just skid by. I didnt give up, i was taking it in stride. slow and steady wins the race, or so they say.

How many times do you stop and think, “ wow, that person has it all together?” If you're anything like me then you think this a lot actually. I look at my professors and the fellow students at my school and I honestly feel ill equipped for any of it.

I am a 36 year old mother of two and my marriage is failing, I cant keep steady work because of transportation to the next town over and I am attending college to get a bachelors of science degree. to say i feel like a failure who is running about in circles is putting it lightly at this point.

I don't know how anyone does it, but I know they do. So why is it so hard for me, I wonder. I am smart, I can figure things out usually, so why is it difficult at this stage in time?

As I ponder these things, like you do, I find myself reflecting on my will to survive. I come to the conclusion during my anthropology studies, that people migrate for several legit reasons. I did it for marriage and my (future ex) husband’s job. I moved almost four hours away from the area we grew up and i have no blood relations where I am. I literally must sink or swim at this point.  and I am terrified.

Now even though we are separated for completely valid reasons, my husband has been very gracious with allowing me access to our joint account and the money for bills, and I am very grateful for that. I just don't wish to stay reliant on him because i never wanted to use him while we were married or even now as we are separated. I fell for him when he had nothing, stayed by him when we struggled and still had nothing and now after we had a chance to have something and he squandered it(plus some additional behaviors i couldn't tolerate) I find myself crying because i know we made it this far and almost achieved our goals together. Ego is a powerfully destructive thing sometimes.

I work better in small teams, usually a duo set, my husband liked to run and dictate things for the most part. He had to be  incharge, of the sinking ship, i'm not really sure. we had our joint issues and I am honestly without fault. His toxic brought out my toxic and that was all. we actually made a good pair because we brought out our good and our bad. I like to face the darkness where my husband likes to hide it so he can't see it. Its actually toxic to only see sunshine and rainbows and not acknowledge the less positive things in life.

Its actually quite odd to hear some of the things he is telling people, its not that accurate in reality and that showed me he never really loved me. I remember telling him that he didn't have to stay with me if he didn't want to, in the start, and that if we ended up pregnant and he didn't want a relationship he could be my friend and we would just be friends with a kid together. He then insisted he wouldn't let me carry that responsibility alone, he would honor his duty. I cringed when he said it then responded with: but i don't want you to be with me if you don't love me, than never ends well id would just like to be friends if that happened, but he insisted. we did start dating officially and even got pregnant, then after almost 2 years he asked me to marry him the night of my 30th birthday. he didn't get to do it how he wanted to but he tried. i still laugh at how it went and i really think fondly of what he had planned but wasn't able to execute.

I was really happy, but I was so blind. He wasn't a prince or a wizard or even a genius, he was a con artist who hated himself even though he flashed himself like a dirty peacock around. His thinking was organized but there was always a deluded grandness to it. He could be clingy as long as you served his intentions but he grew distant if you didn't. Looking back I can see a scared, loose, man conflicted with his own feelings of right and wrong, but not brave enough to face his turmoil. He still wears a mask for everyone, but it takes more now for him to hide it, so he stays high. he really like hallucinogenic drugs and pot; but pot is pot. 

I still believe he can be that great man he was trying to be and I believe he could do it with me by his side, but that relies on him. I never gave up on him, I just put my boundaries up finally. you want someone you can respect? here they are: none of this behavior is acceptable. staying gone for days, weeks, months at a time with little to no contact and then acting like i shouldn't be hurt or upset, that is a big NO. wasting money on things that could land you in federal prison, Big NO NO, breaking your promises about our family and life for our children and ignoring them, is a HELL TO THE MFING NO. pretending to be the pitiful thing but in reality you are a plotting, sneaking, lying, cheating, addict, who has a trump card you can use to gain sympathy, is a major fuck no.

I love him and i have forgiven him, but he has to forgive himself and acknowledge his wrong, but like i said he will not. I feel sorry for him, and Im hurt and angry, but i really do love him and miss the good times even after he was injured. I just hate that he couldn't see that i nagged not to control, but because i cared. I stayed not because of money and things being easy, but because I loved him and us together forever through time and space. even now he is an anchor for me and I have no contact with him. I just think of what would the man I married want me to do? and I actually laugh cause if i'm honest the younger versions of ourselves would probably beat the shit out of our current selves and take turns on the opposite. they would both cry, scream and berate us for what we allowed to happen to our team.

Right now its just fumbling around through sadness and responsibility while I try to repair what he broke in our family unit. I didn't want anyone else but him and I only ever wanted to make him jealous at times, but now as much as I want him i cant let him wreck us again, we aren't even healed from this yet. 

The think with school is, the kids are doing great, I however am struggling like a slacker in the back row and insufficient sleep. Im worried about bills, about the kids, about class schedules, transportation, doctors appointments, and so much more. I'm getting older so the fire i had has dimmed, i haven't given up I just don't jump at the thought of I can do this, its more of a shrug now with an eye roll. His doctor was correct in saying that if I did everything and worried about his care, i would be burned out soon.