Nora Rose

you can’t make homes out of human beings; someone should have already told you that. & if he wants to leave, then let him leave. you are terrifying,  and strange and beautiful- something not everyone knows how to love.”

This year taught me that my loneliness has more to do with myself than anyone else. The loneliest I will ever be is when I do not have the strength to love myself.

I remember crying over you and I don’t mean a couple of tears and I’m blue. I’m talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon.

I’ve heard depression described as walking towards a sunset. You can see the light ahead of you, but even when you’re basking in the warmth of the light, you’re always aware that the darkness isn’t more than a heartbeat away.

I came home smelling like rain and cigarette smoke and teenage love and my mother grabbed me and said, “sweetheart, don’t you dare fall in love.”
 And I smiled and stuck my hand in my pocket and touched the note you had hidden in my jeans when you touched me, where you said that you were 22 degrees Fahrenheit and I was the sun and I could melt you with my fingertips.
 And I came home smelling like vanilla vodka and the lavender flowers you had stuck behind my ear and smudged lipstick and my mother noticed the way your t-shirt hung off me and was on inside out, and the way you made me give it back 2 days later and she brushed my hair out of my eyes and said, “darling, don’t you dare fall in love.”
 And I kissed her cheek and tried to put back together the necklace you had bought me last night, the clasp was broken but I twirled the chain around my fingers, they’d still taste like your skin if I put them in my mouth.
 And I came home smelling like thunderstorms and fire and breakup songs and cheap vodka that made me throw up and blood and rose thorns and smudged makeup dripping down my face and my mother just looked at me 
And three weeks later I met a boy who wasn’t so cold and who let me keep his shirts to sleep in when I missed him and never let anything break, especially my heart. And I came home every night smelling like everything safe and good and happy, telling myself that I better not dare fall in love. I better not dare fall in love. I better not dare fall in love.