It's like I'm on the edge of what could be a massive downward spiral and I could choose to get better, choose to weather my recent set of misfortunes in healthy ways. But the spiral is just sooo tantalizing. I crave extremes, and since my manic episodes have dissipated for the moment I'm just, sooo tempted to dive headlong into depression.

I know I've been thinking abt cutting for the first time in over a year and a half. I know that I'm 8 months sober and before Shit Happened I barely even thought abt it anymore but now I crave alcohol every single day and I'm so scared of what would happen if I relapse. Trying to channel my destructive urges into the least destructive ways bc I rly don't want to ruin myself I just want to wallow for a bit.

So I'm skipping meals. Smoking a pack a day. I'm looking at self harm pics instead of actually cutting. I tried the red pen thing and it helped in the moment but the craving is back again today.

I want to spiral, I rly do, but I also don't want to ruin my life. Maybe if I compartmentalize I could find a good balance. I've been doing well at work since I made The Decision and the rapid cycling stopped, if I can just separate my capable responsible work persona from my lonely self destructive persona from my mentally ill but laughing abt it persona I use w/ friends, I just might be able to make this work. Hell it might even trigger some of the heavier dissociation that I've been missing.