Untitled, Unmastered

Well he’ll come back a few times actually over the course of a few years, and then he’s gone. He’s gone.

Right now, I like the gym alot, I like the feeling I gives me, I stay to myself dont look at anyone, I wanna go back, I actually don’t care what people think of me. I feel confident, I feel like the fool card again :) 000

I love right now, I’m happy with right now, I’m dark. I’m a dark person, I’m okay with that and feel at home in the darkness. Black explains me perfectly, I feel like my name is black.

They say they love me and then they’re treat me like shit and I’m like ‘oh well this must be what love is’

I feel like if I can become aware of the fact peace and boredom can feel the same, i should be able to have the choice between which feeling I feel. Boredom or peace. Babes. I’m choosing peace every time. There’s a lot of pessimism around me trying to make me feel unhappy about certain things because that’s what we think we should feel…. When you can literally choose to look at it a different way, in a good way.

Looking for love at all would be ‘trying to replace him’. I literally have no doubt in my mind that he feels the same because of how real it is. And was. I wonder if we had no choice but to meet those 10 years ago. I still feel like I know him. That’s how I feel. Because I guess that’s what I think….

Fresha den a mahfucka still. Yanno how theres a train in the movie inside out? Thats how I recognise my thoughts. Doesn’t stop, or maybe it does, but its usually not a good idea to try to stop a train. I’m having thoughts associated with the feelings that trigger sadness, lol because I don’t have all the ingredients for my Oreo sundae :( thats my favourite food right now, so like, I want it yanno.

I was depressed during the years I was supposed to be gaining my confidence. Learning confidence at my big age is. Lil difficult to navigate, thank god I’m not older and I’m sorting it out NOW coz shit this shit has the capacity to blow up my entire life if I lose control. i can’t handle another blow up.

Im a disgusting pig. No I’m not, my thoughts are so perverted. I feel disgusted by them. They are so dark and twisted, just like my nails that will pierce the vein of the one I love. Lol jks, maybe. Should write a book. No girl, idk girl. But when I feel disgusted by my thoughts in turn I am disgusted with myself… so obviously I’m identifying myself with my thoguhts, whats going on girly? Lil slip ups maybe, they’re not you. Their like grapes on your head lol. Just get em off, just give some space, your thoughts are not going to abandon you, I know you hold onto your thoughts because when your close enough to the thought train, it drowns out everything its so loud. Its dangerous to be that close to moving trains, how was it is to die. i got pretty close to the train in fact I slept next to it. Letting go is obviously like, scary, I never thought of it that way.. huh. I’m attached to my thoughts bitch they don’t leave???let go man. Give me some space. I need to breath, lets go watch the train from up on the hill Over there.

Y’all, I need to level up, I don’t have to get the same Shi, do the same Shit or think about the same shit. I shouldnt settle. Weed isn’t sustaining me the same, its like my life is becoming grey. Been throwing colour bombs at it but I mean its still grey now it just has paint on it. I think I’m depressed, am I? I don’t know.. am I just lazy? I’m tired….

I wish sometimes that I would just fkn die I swear to god. I would rather die than to think how I think… sometimes.

I feel like I’m having trouble expressing myself, I don’t feel led by the thoughts, thank god, but I feel empty or lost, a very specific kind situation creates what I’m feeling

Smooth sailin’ from here on out. Weed keeps me calm so thats why I’ve found it hard to replace, opens me up a bit more for conversation, I want it all.

I want it ALL, why wouldn’t I want it all? Money, fast cars, diamond rings, gold chains and champagne, shit every damn thang. I want it all.

Am I slow? am I scared? Why do I never really say whats on my mind? I’m scared.. and then it get brought up anyways, why dot I speak up when I want to? I’m scared. whY?rejection. Embarrassment. I feel like ppl will laugh and I will remember that laugh every time I try to speak. i remember one time I plagiarised an English assignment without realising it was for a speech and I couldn’t say the words lmao.dont remember how I got out of that one.

I am most safe right now up on my hill watching my thoughts, that seat may very well be any position I’m in where I’m writing.