fear.

                              “  eggs  ?  “  conan  repeats  the  comparison  with  crinkled  nose  ,  “  i’m  not  sure  i  want  love  like  eggs  ,  i  have  to  say  .  “  he  taps  his  feet  against  the  roof  before  slowly  tugging  his  knees  towards  his  chest  .  still  ,  he  gets  what  soul  is  saying  ,  but  that  doesn’t  make  it  all  any  less  confusing  for  someone  who  hadn’t  genuinely  experienced  any  of  it  .  he  doesn’t  know  if  he  wants  to  be  that  honest  ,  however  ,  still  chewing  on  the  inside  of  his  cheek  .  “  dont  think  i’d  have  the  patience  for  that  one  ,  “  he  mutters  ,  amusement  dripping  in  his  tone  as  he  tries  to  think  of  a  way  to  respond  that  doesn’t  sound  all  too  humiliating  .  his  pride  is  getting  in  the  way  briefly  ,  but  it  usually  had  a  habit  of  popping  up  far  more  frequently  ,  so  he’s  confident  that  , to  some  extent  ,  that’s  growth  .  

                             “  isn’t  it  always  on  peoples  minds  ,  even  if  it’s  pushed  down  or  whatever  the  fuck  ?  or  is  it  not  normal  to  constantly  think  about  shit  like  that  ?  “  small  frown  appears  ,  gaze  shifting  down  as  he  lets  out  a  quiet  breath  .  “  what’s  the  love  you’ve  had  then  ,  huh  ?  ice  cream  ?  mac  n  cheese  ?  “  he  grins  slightly  ,  happy  to  shift  the  focus  back  around  .  “

     “ no, it’s normal, ” soul reassured, “ love is everywhere, so it’s inevitable to think about it. i was just asking because it seems like it’s really bothering you. ” he looked at conan steadily for a few moments, attempting to read him; and then finally dropped his gaze in fear of making him uncomfortable. upon being asked about his own experiences, he cracked his knuckles -- a nervous habit. it wasn’t that soul had bad experiences, per se, just. . . too many. and in every single one, he had been both the pursuer and the catalyst for destruction; the beginning and the end. his commitment issues had a way of fucking things up, but that was a secret that he wasn’t yet willing to disclose, so he forced a little smile and began.

today had been somewhat busy already ; a client had requested to meet up with him for some sort of brunch gathering with all the people involved. they wanted him to plan out the best christmas party for their company and luckily levi still had a good amount of time left to adjust all the changes they wanted. and so he walked back home now, early afternoon, with his backpack swung over one shoulder and his tummy full of watermelon and pancakes. he hadn’t expected to bump into this boy.. granted the shorter male had indeed known about his current residence being in the same apartment complex, having spotted him here and there, it seemed as though the other.. soul.. wanted nothing to do with him. and who knew? maybe it was for the best.

it was as if his heart broke into a million pieces all over again when he felt the strong hand around his wrist ; a hand he had once held so dearly in his, a hand he’d pulled in running for the bus, knuckles he’d gently kissed in the intimacy of night, fingers he’d intertwined his own with.. fingers, knuckles, a hand that was now nothing but a meaningless part on his very own stranger. levi’s brown eyes looked up at the other as he came to a stop. “ sure.. “ his jaw felt tense as he spoke the words surprisingly softly. though soul should not be fooled, ‘cause their heartwrenching split was far from forgotten.

     “ great. thanks. ” with that said, soul released his grip on levi’s wrist and took a few steps to the side, standing just outside the entrance of the building. even now, fully prepared ( re: not prepared at all ) to speak to his ex, soul avoided looking directly at him. the guilty conscience he had carried since that day wouldn’t let him. not until he got everything he needed to say off his chest, anyway, and maybe not even then.

            𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆  𝐈𝐍  𝐀  𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐑𝐃  𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐏  𝐖𝐀𝐒  𝐏𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘  𝐀  𝐃𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐌  𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄  𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐄  .  it  was  easy  for  mikey  to  befriend  other  people  who  were  passionate  about  music  &  even  easier  to  flirt  with  customers  .  most  of  his  conquests  had  appeared  right  here  in  the  store  (  not  that  he’d  ever  want  anyone  ,  especially  his  boss  ,  to  know  that  )  .  currently  ,  he  was  allowing  his  mind  to  drift  ,  leaning  against  the  counter  &  bored  out  of  his  mind  .  when  a  former  tinder  date  turned  hookup  turned  nothing  wandered  into  the  store  ,  mikey’s  brow  quirked  up  in  question  .  soul  wasn’t  a  person  he  ever  expected  to  run  into  again  ,  especially  not  after  he  found  out  he  was  badmouthing  his  ability  in  bed  .  a  lie  CLEARLY  ,  but  it  still  churned  mikey’s  stomach  with  an  upset  he  hadn’t  known  in  years  .

            as  soul  spoke  up  finally  ,  though  perhaps  he  should  have  kept  such  insight  to  himself  ,  mikey  turned  towards  him  ,  a  slight  frown  worn  on  his  expression  .  it  wasn’t  typical  of  him  to  express  emotion  ,  to  allow  others  to  know  they  had  an  effect  on  him  .  but  he  had  to  allow  soul  in  knowing  just  how  OFFENDED  he  was  about  the  situation  .  ❝  can’t  read  ,  huh  ?  it  happens  ,  i  guess  .  what  are  you  trying  to  do  exactly  ?  did  you  go  behind  my  back  &  talk  shit  about  me  again  ?  you  don’t  have  to  let  me  know  ,  i  would  have  found  out  .  but  thanks  for  breaking  my  heart  anyway  .  .  .  ❞  sure  ,  soul  &  mikey  were  two  different  breeds  of  people  ,  they  never  would  have  worked  out  .  still  ,  it  was  unfortunate  ,  because  soul  was  sexy  &  very  much  mikey’s  type  .  too  bad  it  seemed  like  he  couldn’t  be  trusted  .

     what was there to do? soul had come here looking for an answer, and he had gotten one -- definitely wasn’t the one he’d hoped for, but that’s how things go sometimes. he COULD make up some kind of bullshit lie, claim that he never said anything in the first place, people just sure do love to talk. he COULD defend himself, make up with some kind of reasoning on the spot in an attempt to justify what he’d done. but, he usually held himself to pretty high standards, and neither of those options were particularly appealing to him. so, he did the only thing that he could think to do. he laughed.

     𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐔𝐒𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 cringe at puns like that, but winnie enjoyed them. with a wide smile on her face, she turned and held her hand up for a high five. ❝  i’ll tell you anyway. soul, you’re hilarious. ❞  her eyes darted from the male to her screen. in a turn of events, she’d decided to stream cs:go, an extremely more violent game compared to her usual minecraft. as the round ended & winnie’s team won, she rejoiced. ❝  oh i’m really good, ❞  she told her friend before turning to the camera on her monitor and shaking her head. it was her first time playing cs:go, but she got lucky and got a good team. ❝  my chat says hi, by the way.  ❞ she squinted and leaned closer to her screen, mumbling something about being basically a bag of bones and dust. ❝  wait, actually, they don’t know who you are and would like an explanation. ❞  she looked towards the male and held out her hands, giving him jazz hands.

     𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐃𝐈𝐃𝐍'𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐓𝐎 introduce him by herself for two main reasons. 1 )  she knew this might possibly be easier than meeting someone face to face, and 2 )  winnie’s chat could be… very assertive sometimes which often caused her to clam up a little bit. winnie always felt less awkward while she was streaming, despite hundreds of people watching her. and even if her chat was loud and annoying sometimes, she still felt comfortable being weird in front of them. it was one of the reasons they watch her anyway, her fans provided a semi-safe space for winnie and her friends.

     admittedly, the fact that winnie found any sort of amusement in his joke made him feel proud. he was all too used to no one but the kids he worked with finding him funny, and it could be a bit ego-damaging when you could only pull laughs from four-year-olds. he immediately gave her a high-five, donning a big, dumb grin that expressed just how giddy he truly was. however, upon hearing that her. . . chat?. . . wanted to know who he was, his smile faltered just for a second. somehow, he’d failed to realize that they could probably. . . what? see him? hear him? both? he wasn’t sure how all that worked, really, but it made him feel a little guilty for disrupting the stream.

     his arms returned to where they had been originally -- crossed over his chest -- and he summoned his smile back. “ i’m soul. an ignorant friend who doesn’t know the first thing about video games, but i know a lot about dumb jokes. uh. . . are you all playing? watching? i don’t know. . . good luck? please win. winnie’s the god of games, so if she doesn’t win, it’s on you guys. keep the morale high. ” and with that, he gave an awkward chuckle. 

                            there  was  something  freeing  about  the  meetings  ,  though  conan  never  could  pinpoint  what  felt  so  comforting  about  them  .  maybe  it  was  that  the  information  shared  never  went  past  this  point  .  there  was  something  about  it  that  convinced  conan  he  could  speak  freely  ,  and  he  would  happily  listen  to  whatever  soul  had  on  his  own  noggin  .  a  safety  blanket  in  the  form  of  honest  and  natural  communication  .  “  you  want  me  to  be  real  with  you  ?  “  as  if  conan  wasn’t  always  .  

                        “  i’ve  really  been  amazed  by  the  diversity  of  french  fries  .  people  make  them  so  many  fuckin’  different  ways  ,  and  they’re  all  usually  bomb  as  fuck  .  it’s  impressive  .  “  maybe  not  quite  the  emotional  depth  some  nights  hold  ,  but  it  was  a  start  .  he’s  quiet  before  he  taps  his  feet  in  an  obvious  sense  of  nervousness  .  “  i’ve  been  reading  a  lot  of  dumb  fucking  -  a  lot  of  stupid  romance  novels  lately  .  i  dunno  ,  tryna  get  a  feel  for  ,  like  .  .  .  how  people  describe  love  .  it’s  always  a  little  different  which  i  think  is  interesting  .  passionate  as  fuck  ,  calming  ,  comforting  and  cuddly  and  shit  .  kinda  like  fries  .  there’s  a  couple  shitty  versions  of  it  ,  but  it’s  still  love  in  some  fucked  up  way  and  people  crave  it  .  does  that  make  sense  ?  “ 

     if soul hadn’t known that the french fry topic was nothing more than an opening for something else, perhaps he would’ve laughed. but, from the nights that they’d spent on the roof so far, he knew better -- and he’d never laugh at conan, anyway. wouldn’t want to risk ruining that mutual comfort, understanding. so, he settled for nodding a couple times as he listened, and when the topic drifted to love, he wasn’t particularly surprised. “ yeah, that makes sense, ” he assured, nodding again.