946

Interior SNL studio, night.

Stage manager (Colin Jost) stands on stage with a clipboard, checking things off. Crew member (Mikey Day) runs up to him out of breath.

Day: He’s here! Jost: (nods)  I hope Lorne knows what he’s doing. (louder) Okay People, we’re live in 2 minutes!

Camera pans to the doors near the side of the studio where we see two secret service men (Bobby Moynihan & Pete Davidson) escorting Donald Trump (Alec Baldwin) inside. They walk towards a roped off area in the front row.

Moynihan: Sir, are you sure this was a good idea? Baldwin: No one will know it’s me, I’m wearing a trench coat. Plus my Make America Great hat is blue while I normally wear red. I’m totally in magneto, you know, like Superman in disguise. Davidson: You mean incognito? And Superman turns into Clark Kent then. Baldwin: No, Clark Kent is that bad hombre who works for the corrupt Daily Planet. And I’ve never even seen one of those papers anywhere near Trump Towers. It’s all fake news!

Davidson: But, sir-- Moynihan: Dude, stop. It’s not worth it. Look he’s already cutting our health insurance, don’t make him want to destroy comic books too!

Jost: (voiceover) We’re live in 5...4...3... Camera pans back to the stage where we see Cecily Strong as Melania. Suddenly the music to Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible” starts playing. Melania starts to dance a bit moving off stage as Kate McKinnon in a black suit with a silver tie appears holding a mike stand. Behind her you can see several cast members (Bayer, Bryant, Jones, Moffat, Mooney, Thompson, Zamata, & Villasenor) dressed in blue suits with white button down shirts and red ties. They sway back and forth like the models in the music video.

McKinnon (singing to the tune) How can this be permissible? Has he any principles? No, no. This kind of stuff is criminal.

Jones holds up Trump’s tweet about Obama tapping the phone lines and Villasenor holds up a sign pointing at it that says libel. McKinnon (still singing) He’s never presidential. Putin got him endorsed; it’s just getting worse. GOP ignores and supports, they’re so off course. He never looked good to me and so we find Trump, Simply, he’s resistible. (Pulls out the pink pussy hat and puts it on) Simply, he’s impeachable. Steve Bannon is who’s powerful. All these budget cuts are awful. That travel ban is frightful. Trumps tweets are just disgraceful.

He’s a natural jerk, who does not want to work. At Mar-a-Lago a lot, but what’s Russia’s plot? He never looked good to me, so still we find Trump, Simply, he’s resistible! Simply, he’s impeachable! Simply, he’s resistible! Trump’s so lyin’, there's no telling where his tax forms went! Simply, he’s impeachable! Trump’s so lyin’, there’s no telling how far he’ll go! Baldwin scrambles onto the stage making large negative gestures. The music cuts off and the majority of the cast takes a few steps away from him. Baldwin: NO! Stop! Not funny! Lies! You will not be going to Hollywood. Seacrest out! McKinnon: Sir, with all due respect most of that IS true. Baldwin: No, I am the powerful one! Bannon just makes all the plans, writes the laws, calls to Russia to bargain with Putin about how much he’s willing to pay for our nuclear l-...I mean...l-live from New York, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!

     Solo- Featuring Ryan

      “Me, me, me, me, me, me, me,” Mark sang, his voice modulating up and down, as he stood in the bathroom looking into the mirror. Ryan passed by the partially open door and listened to him for a moment before pushing it open a little further.      “That sounds great, Mark. Your voice is incredible.”      “Thanks.”      “So you’re just in here practicing your warm ups, huh?”      “Pff, no,” Mark said looking at Ryan in the mirror before focusing back on himself. “I was just reminding myself who I love the most.” He started to sing again, occasionally flexing in the mirror and kissing his own biceps as he continued.      “Oh, okay then,” Ryan said as he backed out of the room and closed the door. He leaned against it, stroking the wood, and looked despondent. “Why won’t you love me, Mark? Why?” [I’m well aware of the fact that Mark is not that self-centered, no matter what his sassy posts have been like, but it seems to be a running gag for the guys so I went with it.]

Tongue Twister Challenge- Featuring Matt, Ryan, and Matthias

     “How’s it going guys? I’m Matthias and I’m here with Mark, Matt, and Ryan and today we‘re going to do something a little different. I have some tongue twisters that our fans tweeted to us and we’re going to see who can get through the most of them without screwing up in 30 seconds,” Matthias said looking back at the guys. “Plus if you get the most right, there’s a prize.”     “I’m out,” Matt said as he stood up and started to walk away but Ryan pulled him back down into his seat.      “Hang on, if I’m going to do this I need to warm up,” Mark said as he stuck his tongue out and shook his head back and forth making an odd noise.       “Better,” Matthias asked, holding back a laugh.       “Yep,” Mark said as he looked at the camera and gave it a big smile and a thumbs up.       “Okay so the first tongue twister is: Ryan gets reckt recreationally. And, go!”       Everyone had trouble with this one but Matt and Matthias tied with getting it said correctly five times.      “Next: Herb lore is a boring chore.” Mark, of course, excelled at this one but broke into a fit of giggles near the end when Ryan kept messing up.      “And another one: JackSepticeye loves pecan pie.” Matt and Ryan did pretty well with this one. Mark tried to say it over and over again in an increasingly bad Irish accent which caused everyone to flub up and it took a few moments for them to regain composure.      “Last one: Matthias misses mincing mollusks.”      “Wait, so like chopping them up or having them do froo-froo little dances,” Matt asked.      “Does it matter,” Ryan asked.      “Snails can’t dance,” Mark interjected.      “Well they could if you made them into like marionettes. You know with tiny top hats and canes,” Matt said causing everyone to stare at him. “What?”       “We need to get you out of the house more,” Mark said before turning back around.        In the end, Matt and Mark wound up tying for first place so Matthias brought out their prize, a gummy grape-flavored alien tongue. Ryan kept egging them on to eat it like they were reenacting the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp but Matt refused. Mark chased him around the room with the tongue clamped in his mouth, while yelling around it in a muffled tone to do it while Matthias did his outro. [That awfully, uhm, veiny for a tongue... I know, right? Personally, I’m more upset that the pink gummy mustaches are bubblegum flavored. Yuck. Bonus tongue twister if you don’t feel that you were challenged enough: Wade’s waiter’s wet weighted waders.]

    “If you don’t get out of here within the next minute, I’m calling the cops,” Ryan warned.      Matt scooped some up with his spoon then looked at the camera. “It’s Tiny Box Tim shaped sugary oat squares with Warfstache marshmallows!” He put the spoon in his mouth and started to chew happily but had a little trouble swallowing it. “Mm...Mm?”     “Don’t eat that,” Ryan barked as snatched the bowl away from Matt. “You don’t know where it came from!” Ryan sniffed it warily and made a disgusted face before dumping the whole bowl into the trash.     “And there’s even a surprise on the inside of the box, but be careful and ask your parents to help you cut it out with scissors,” Mark said with his arms akimbo.      Matt tore the box open, spilling cereal everywhere and revealed a cardboard cat mask. “Neato! Dad look, I’m Markiplier,” he said as he put it on. “Meow, bitch!”      “What did you just say to me?!”      “It’s from one of his videos! It’s funny!”      “It’s vulgar! Young man we’re washing your mouth out with soap,” Ryan insisted as he pointed at the door and Matt sullenly got to his feet and headed out of the room. Ryan followed after him, shaking his head. “That’s the last time I let you go on the internet without supervision,” Ryan yelled from the other room.     “So the next time you’re at the grocery store why not pick up a box of Markimoo’s and I’ll see you in the morning. Bye-bye!” Mark waved for a few seconds before looking around the room to make sure he was alone. He spotted a wallet laying on the counter and stuffed it in his pocket before running out of the house.                                            ◻️ Fade to black ◻️ [What’s up with you and cereal? Well I was thinking about the other cereal thing from part two on my way to work last night and this popped up. Also I have a strange fondness for MEOW as it makes me smile no matter how many times I watch it. Mostly it’s because of the whispered “because I can” at the very end. It’s not a bad motto: create weird, fun things because you can.]

     The scene faded back up to the backyard where Matt strode towards the camera wearing white boxers, a white tank top, and white bunny ears all while holding a bowl and spoon. In the background a song starts to play that sounds suspiciously like Drake’s ‘Hotline Bling’.      “You used to have me in your cereal bowl,” Matt sang as he slowly started to sway back and forth. “Late night when you needed a snack. Have me in your cereal bowl. Well baby, why don’t we bring that back?”       Matt dropped the bowl and spoon off to the side after giving the spoon a seductive lick. He crouched down a little and swaying his one arm back and forth in front of himself. “Cause I know when that cupboard door swing, that can only mean one thing.”      As the music faded away, Matt stood up and looked directly in the camera for a close up and said, “I know a whole lot of tricks and I’m not just for kids, if you know what I mean.”      The camera panned over a little to where Ryan stood dressed in black and yellow stripped boxers and a black tank top, while wearing yellow deely-bopper antenna. He held up a bear-shaped bottle of honey and drizzled some into his mouth before tossing it behind him.     “You know you want my sweet, sticky honey,” Ryan said as he walked closer to the camera, wiping his lower lip with his thumb. “And deez nuts,” he said before grabbing his crotch. “HAH! Got ‘em”     The camera pans over once more to find Mark in tiger stripped boxers with orange kitty ears as he holds a bottle of milk. “Eat me,” he intones in a deep seductive voice before tilting his head up and pouring the milk down his chin and chest. He looked back at the camera, “I’m Gr-r-r-reat!”     The scene transitioned with a box that just says “Cereal” on it, spinning forward then back until it shows a candle filled bedroom. The camera panned forward to find Jack dressed only in his usual hat and black pants with suspenders laying the middle of the bed which was covered in cereal. He smiled and winked at the camera. “Can you handle these lucky charms,” he asked as he held out a hand then blew marshmallows into the camera and winked yet again.                                               ◻️ Fade to black ◻️ [So that was the cereal thing? *nods* And so it’s basically commentary about the needless over-sexualization of products and commercials? *nods* Using gratuitous fan service? *nods emphatically* Weirdo. Indubitably!]

   Various cut scenes of Mark, Matt, Ryan, and Jack fake kicking each other into the pool screaming, “This. Is. SPARTA!” [Sometimes I wonder what their neighbors think if they’re able to hear any of what goes on there. Pretty sure that they would have called the cops thinking someone was being murdered during the recent Ice Bath Challenge.] 

Editor’s Corner- Featuring Matt      “Okay, so this is my set up,” Matt said as he sat down at his computer that had many different programs up and running on it. “And the one thing to remember to get that perfect-”     “Ryan, Ryan,” Mark said as he leaned into the room. “I need you to come with me right now.”     “But Mark, we’re filming my thing,” Matt said. “You know, to show people some of the behind the scenes stuff we do?”     “Noooooow,” Mark said then leaned back out of the room. Within a few moments he leaned back in, “And bring your camera.”     “Sorry man, he’s the boss,” Ryan replied and followed Mark to the living room. “What’s up?”      “Look,” Mark said and pointed to Chica who was asleep on the floor.      “Ooookay?”       “Well,” Mark said and gestured to Chica.       “You want me to film her sleeping? But what about Matt’s thing?”       “Matt dumb thing can be in the next one,” Mark quipped. “THIS is important.”      The words “asshole” and “Get reckt Mark” flash all over the screen as any sound is replaced by screaming goat noises.                                             ◻️ Fade to black ◻️ [One of my favorite edits of Matt’s is the Bill Nye theme song “Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill” during Hunipop sexytimes. I salute you and all of your hard work, Matt.]         Various cut scenes of Mark, Matt, and Ryan playing with Chica and Lego in the backyard and then with their kitten indoors in slow motion.  [Why? Because it’s freaking awesome that’s why.]

Ohm- Featuring Matt, Ryan, Dan, and Arin      “You loved him in Catlateral Damage and your fears were soothed in Lurking all by the power of his voice. But now, for the low, low price of 3 installments of $99.99 and a pygmy goat, you can have him all to yourself,” Ryan said in a deeply voiced voice over.     Mark sat at his computer and then looked up. “Hi, My name is Markiplier and many of you have been asking for me to do a guided meditation video using this voice,” he said as he leaned into the microphone. “Well I figured why not personalize it, just. For. You. With Markiplier’s Meditation Moments, you can Skype with me for 10 minutes while I bring you into a more relaxed state.”    “Don’t believe me, here, why not watch and see just how relaxed you can be,” Mark said with a smile. The screen split to show a Skype call beginning and then Danny and Arin sitting on a couch looking excited on one side and Mark’s set up on the other. “Hello everybody,” Mark said causing Danny to swoon. “Are you ready to get relaxed?”     “Uh, sure,” Arin said and Danny nodded enthusiastically.     “Alright, let’s start with some controlled breathing,” Mark replied. “Breathe in through your nose to the count of six and hold it until I say to let go.”     Danny and Arin did so, and within a few beats Mark told them to exhale.     “Again, in to the count of six then hold it,” Mark said as he looked into the camera with a wink and then Matt walked in behind him.    “Hey Mark, I have a question about last weeks video,” Matt said.    “And exhale,” Mark said, holding up a finger letting Matt know to wait a second. “Again, in to the count of six and now hold it. Great, you’re doing great.”     Mark turned to face Matt and they started talking about the video while Danny and Arin’s cheeks puffed up. Arin finally exhaled loudly then looked over to Danny. “Breathe damn it,” Arin yelled but Danny shook his head, pointing to their computer. “You don’t have to listen to him. Danny, please!”     “Mark, uh, I didn’t interrupt anything, did I,” Matt asked causing Mark’s eyes to widen as he spun around to face his computer.     “Shit! Exhale! Breathe, breathe,” Mark said frantically as he grabbed the monitor.       Danny lay cradled in Arin’s arms looking slightly blue as Arin rocked him back and forth.     “The Markiplier channel and it’s holding company Warfstache Industries are not responsible for any deaths, dismemberment, ovary explosions, loss of property, or any other damages that could occur from listening to what he tells you to do,” Ryan said in a rushed voice over as tons of very, very small print streams over the screen.                                               ◻️ Fade to black ◻️

Author’s note: Things in [  ] brackets will be my comments and not necessarily key to the plot or particularly interesting in any way.

Breaking Point- Featuring special guest Wade.    Mark snorted as he held his cell phone and then looked into the camera. “He’s going to kill me, but I just have to try,” he said as the phone rang a few times.    “Hello?”    “Hey Wade, how’re you?”    “Uh, good, I guess. What’s u- wait...you aren’t doing another one of your comments videos are you?”     “Pff, no,” Mark said incredulously doing his best to stiffle his giggles.    “Uh huh.”    “No really, I just wanted to see how you were doing and ask you an important question,” Mark replied sincerely as he winked at the camera.    “Oh, okay. What is it,” Wade asked in a resigned tone, causing Mark to smile a bit broader.     “The internet said I was having a baby the other month and then decided it was yours. So, what should we name him?”     “God dammit Mark! I knew this was... you know what screw your fans and screw you too!” Wade’s voice cut off as he hung up and nearly threw his phone against the wall. He took a deep breath as he set it gently down on the top of his desk and then pinched the bridge of his nose while his head started to throb. He knew Mark was just goofing around but he was sick of being the butt of these jokes. Wade’s headache ratcheted up another notch as his phone started to ring yet again. He picked it up, saw Mark’s name, and something inside of him just snapped.    “Never again,” Wade growled as he hit ignore and stuffed his phone in his pocket. He got to his feet, grabbing his jacket, and kissed a confused Molly on the cheek as he strode outside.    “Wade? Honey? Are you okay? Where are you going”    “Never again!”      Mark frowned a little as he set his phone down then looked back at the camera and fake sniffled, wiping at his eyes. “I guess Wade just doesn’t care about our child as much as I do!”      Wade stood at the ticket counter at the Cincinnati airport, his mouth bracketed in a frown as he took the papers the clerk handed him.      “So, headed out to L.A. huh? I bet the weather is perfect there right now.”      “Never again,” Wade muttered as he headed towards concourse A and left the clerk looking perplexed.            Mark sat at the kitchen table and took the sandwich that Ryan offered him. “Don’t you think you should cool it,” Ryan asked after he had heard what had gone on during Mark’s recording session.    “Nah, Wade knows I’m just yanking his chain. Plus you know everyone loves to hear from him, especially when he gets mad,” Mark said as he put some mustard on his sandwich.    “Okay, but some day you might just really piss him off.”

   The flight attendant stopped at Wade’s seat and gave him a 10 mega-watt smile. “You sure I can’t get you anything, hon? Another bag of peanuts?”    “Never again,” Wade whispered as he shook his head.    “I’m sorry, what was that?”     Mark put his cell back in his pocket after checking it for what seemed like the fiftieth time that evening. Wade still hadn’t responded to any of his texts, which wasn’t like him. He wondered if maybe he had gone too far but that thought was interrupted when Chica dropped her drool covered rope toy in his lap, looking hopeful. “Does my pupperschunpper want to play? Huh? Do ya?”    “WOOF! WOOF!”

    The Uber driver did his best to make conversation, after all they said that’s how you got better ratings. Good conversation and a well stocked basket of goodies for his clients. Gum, mints, toothpicks, hand sanitizer, organic lotions, the whole works. Hell most days people usually appreciated someone to talk to, even though he had heard some stories that definitely he could have lived without knowing. Maybe he could get a screenplay or at least some good blog posts out of this but there was just something up with the guy in the back who would occasionally check his phone after it dinged and mutter, “Never again.” He wasn’t scared of the guy, dude looked like a big frustrated puppy, but there was just something intense about him that he just couldn’t put a finger on. Whatever it was that was bothering him, god help the poor soul who had caused it.       Mark handed a piece of paper to Ryan as they stood outside. “You sure you don’t want me to go with you guys,” Mark asked as Matt got in the car.      “We got this,” Ryan said as he opened the door. “Anyways you have recording to do, don’t you?”       Mark nodded and waved as Ryan and Matt pulled out of the driveway. Out of the corner of his eye he swore he saw a black blur flash behind him but when he looked around, he didn’t see a thing. He shrugged as he headed inside, closing the door behind him, and patted Chica on the head as she followed him towards his room. “Okay Chica, sweetie, I have to record now so you go play with your squeaky cupcake.”      Chica whined and tried to come inside but Mark gently shooed her away and closed the door. His dog scratched at it a few times until Mark finally called out “Chica, no!”    He frowned a little as he wondered what had gotten into her then shook it off as he settled into his chair and turned on all of his equipment. She probably just was acting strangely because Matt and Ryan were gone and couldn’t play with her while he was busy. He had to start recording some more Undertale today anyways, he reminded himself as he pulled out his phone and glanced at it.    Mark decided to call Wade one more time after he started his camera recording and then frowned when he heard a noise coming from the direction of his closet.    Mark noticed that the closet door was open a crack and heard the noise repeating again. He stood up and slowly walked to the door, his cell in his hand and saw another familiar cell phone laying on the ground just inside the closet. He bent down and picked it up, seeing his name on the display as it continued to ring. Mark hit ignore then looked up as Wade burst from the closet and tackled him to the ground. Wade grabbed him by the front of the shirt, then started to shake him violently, smacking him back against the floor, all the while yelling, “Never again, NEVER AGAIN!”     “Wade, please, I’m so sorry,” Mark pleaded as he tried to reason with his friend but Wade was relentless. Mark’s eyes widened as a fist came towards his face and he yelled his friend’s name. “Wade!”    “Wade? Wade?! WADE!”    Wade’s eyes shot open as he sat up in his chair and wiped his chin a little. He must have fallen asleep at his desk after he finished recording. “Sorry, Molly. What’s up?”     “Would you please answer your phone? I’m trying to get some work done and it’s driving me crazy.”     “Yeah, of course. Sorry.” Wade picked his phone and answered it, with a resigned tone. “Hey Mark. What?” He paused as he listened for a moment. “Oh uh, butt nuggets. Yeah. Our baby’s name would be Archibald Butt Nuggets Barnes,” he said and smiled a little when he heard Mark cracking up on the other end of the line.                                              ◻️ Fade to black ◻️ [What? A dream sequence? Are you freaking kidding me?! What a cop out! Hey now, we all know Wade wouldn’t actually hurt Mark. *deepens voice* Or would he? Naw, he wouldn’t. And why the old-school Nokia sound? Because it was what I kept humming whenever I thought of Wade’s ringtone.] The Final Frontier- Featuring Matt and Ryan

     “Ryan?! RYAN,” Matt yelled as he ran through the house until he finally found Ryan out by the pool, finishing up a cigarette.      Matt doubled over, gasping for air as Ryan patted him on the back and said, “Dude, what’s wrong?”     “It-it’s Mark.”     “Did he get hurt?”     “No, it’s... it’s just that, he’s- he’s doing IT again,” Matt said as he straightened up and swallowed hard, a look of deep concern on his face.      Ryan sighed and nodded as he headed into the house. He stood outside Mark’s room and knocked on the door a few times. “Mark, buddy, open up.”      When there was no response Ryan knocked again, harder this time, and then pressed his ear to the door, “Mark!”       Matt stood next to Ryan, doing the same thing, and cringed when a muffled response came through the wood.       “Mark, put down the game and open the door.”       “It’s so cool!”       “Mark, I will break your door down if I have to!”       “It’s so cool!”       Ryan shook his head as he took a deep breath and motioned for Matt to get back. He raised a foot and kicked the door open only to find the room darkened and Mark huddled in a corner with his iPad, the screen’s light illuminating the intense look on his face.       “It’s so cool!”       Ryan walked over to him and reached for the iPad but Mark scrambled away from him. “Mark, I’m serious. You’re addicted to that thing. You need to stop.”       Mark glared at him, “It’s so cool!”       “Ryan, be careful,” Matt warned as he stood in the doorway.       “What? Like he could take me,” Ryan scoffed as he reached for Mark’s iPad again. Mark darted forward and bit Ryan’s arm, causing him to curse loudly. “What the fuck Mark?!”        “Oh god, no,” Matt whispered as Ryan went after Mark again but Ryan’s movements slowed until he was standing still behind Mark, looking over his shoulder. “No, please.”       Matt inched closer to them but both Ryan and Mark ignored him and were staring at the iPad’s screen.       “It’s so cool,” Mark said.       “It’s so cool,” Ryan replied in the same awed tone.          Matt stood outside of the Griffith Park Observatory, shaking his fists at the sky before he dropped to his knees, screaming “Damn you, Space! Damn, you all to Hell!!”                                            ◻️ Fade to black ◻️ [Planet of the Apes reference? Yep. Also can some one please take Mark to the planetarium there and film him geeking out about space? Why? Because it’s so cool...it’s so cool. Also, watching the Universe Sandbox video made me miss Starlab. Remember them? Inflatable planetariums they’d bring to classrooms when you were in grade-school? If I ever win the lottery I’m tempted to buy one because, truthfully, space is pretty damn cool.]      Ready, Steady- Featuring Sean (aka JackSepticEye), Ryan, and Matt. And yes it’s typed as “fook” because I wanted it to sound like Sean without you having to suffer through a short video of me reading his lines while doing an Irish accent/impression of him in order to get it across.

     Mark, Ryan, and Jack stood out by the pool laughing as Jack finished up his story about the horrible plane ride he had on the way to L.A.     “So, I told him he could cram it wherever he preferred to cram things and go fook himself,” Jack said with a grin before taking a sip of his water.      “Well I’m glad you could make it,” Mark said, idly scratching Chica’s head as she sat at his feet.      “Me too, weather’s perfect,” Jack replied as he looked out onto their incredible view.      “Okay guys,” Matt said as he walked over to them and handed them each a few sheets of paper.      “What’s this,” Jack asked as he leafed through them briefly and looked over at Mark. “A script?”       “Just some basics. I figure most of it we’ll make up as we go. Why don’t you look over the cereal thing. I figured we’d have Matt and Ryan go first after the boardroom scene, then you.”       Jack nodded and turned back to the first page, scanning the lines. After about a minute his hand tightened and he crumpled the page he had been holding. “Are you fooking kidding me?”       “What? You don’t think it’s funny?”        “Oh sure, because the Irishman’s here you decide it’s going to be all potatoes and shamrocks and pots o’gold and shite?”       “Well, I mean it’s just that...” Mark’s voice trailed off as Jack threw the pages into the air.       “You know what Mark? Fook your script and fook you and, you know what, fook it, you’re out of the Boner Cast. Permanently”        “No!”         “Yes! You have been DE-BONED,” Jack growled before pushing Mark into the pool.          “Nooooooooo,” Mark screamed as he fell back into the pool in slow motion.

                                               ◻️ Fade to black ◻️