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this “f1 is for the girlies” push to try and commodify the sport so you can be a “paddock princess” and essentially a pretty object is just repackaged misogyny. girls like CARS. girls like strategy and combustion engineering and aerodynamics and race analysis and RACING. i don’t want to be sold a lingerie set based on who my favourite f1 team is, i want a sensible and flattering team shirt that actually fits my body shape.
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I lowkey love rain delays. Carlos having a power nap, Sauber giving out biscuits, McLaren making tea for everyone, poor Ayao getting absolutely hounded by Sky F1.
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All the talk about who's going to red bull and who's going to mercedes has got me thinking, and with much consideration I think I've devised the World's Worst Most Toxic F1 Grid, using only current drivers and teams. Walk with me.
Haas: Pierre/Estie. French Civil War pt. 2 plus the historic remnant of Kmag and Hulk and their old man enemies-to-lovers narrative arc.
Ferrari: Lando/Charles. Stay with me. I know you're all probably thinking, 'oh of course here's user finifugue with their charlando agenda' but stay with me. Can you fucking imagine the Lando fandom and the Charles fandom if they had to share Ferrari. Can you imagine. It would be carnage. Twitter would be unusable. TikTok would crash. Tumblr would enjoy some upscale prime-grade wagyu yaoi rivalry. Charles and Lando themselves would crash out at the notion of having to pretend to not be weird about each other. Fred would be laughing. I pray for days like these.
Aston: Lance/Carlos. Ideally with Carlos Sr. in a position of similar power as Daddy Stroll. Battle of the Nepo Babies(' dads). I think Carlos and Lance themselves would be chill, but I think Carlos Sr. and Daddy Stroll would start committing white collar crimes against each other. Interesting developments.
Alpine: Isack/Oscar. Sorry Oscar for putting you in the Alpine but I'm also not really sorry because it would be hilarious. As for you Isack, you'd have to deal with being teammates with Oscar in an Alpine. So you've suffered enough I think and I won't make you suffer further.
Mclaren: Kimi/Ollie. Now there's not a chance in hell either would end up at mclaren any time soon, but imagine. Two bestie rookies in the mclaren rocketship. This is psychological experimentation on my part, I have to admit - I want to see what a title fight would do to them, whether they'd manage or whether we'd see the Great Bearnelli Collapse. The caveat would be that mclaren aren't allowed to fire either mid-season. I want to see what happens.
Mercedes: Max/George. This is of course generally accepted as a) a terrifyingly likely pairing, and b) a terrifyingly terrifying pairing. I don't think they would last more than fifteen minutes before killing each other, and not even really in a sexy rivalry RPF way. All the enemies of Lestappen and none of the lovers, two guys who are genuinely convinced they should be the only driver prioritised in a team who, historically, is Not Good at managing in-team title fights.
Red Bull: Lewis/Fernando. Old Man Nation in the world's most toxic team imaginible. Run it back - and by 'it,' I mean Lewis/Fernando part 1, and I mean Vettel/Webber, put in a blender and whizzed until radioactive. I think the only thing that could bring back Nando and Lewis' sparks is pitting them against each other again in a team they both equally absolutely fucking hate.
Williams: Franco/Liam. I have not seen these two interact at all whatsoever, and I'm not really massively knowledgeable about them anyway, but in my head they're like oil and water. Their vibes are historic levels of unmatched. Their freaks diametrically opposed. Lawson also had that meme last year about hating the grid's spanish speakers and i thought that was funny and I want to bring it back.
RB: Alex/Yuki. Now this one was hard, because I think you could put Albon in a small room with a silverback gorilla and in fifteen minutes he'd be besties with it, but I'd like to put the Red Bull victims together in a Red Bull. Would the stress of it kill them both? Probably.
Sauber: Nico/Gabi. The light in the darkness. One single ray of happiness and gratitude in an otherwise horrifying grid lineup. I simply cannot bring myself to separate them. I hope they win the championship. They probably will, because every other team will crash into each other.
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insane how much dark magic daniel seems to be capable of because what do you mean all his replacements failed, the car went to shit and suddenly his biggest opp, the man who gloated about him choosing to retire, gets fired on a random ass Wednesday? dark magic. deep dark magic daniel ricciardo
I don't particularly believe in or like Landoscar.
But what I do believe in is the chaotic siblings vibes from Pato, Christian and Nolan.
It has the oldest and shortest diva with an attitude. Who is simultaneously exhausted and endeared by the other two who he shoulders the responsibility for; despite only coming up to their shoulders.
The tallest and (usually) the most chill one that questions how he ended up with the other two as family members. That being said he's not afraid to wind them up or join in the stupidity.
And finally the youngest who thrives on causing chaos for his older brothers and never wants to be separated from them.
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