MY PERSPECTIVE

May magagandang bagay pa rin na nangyayari nang hindi mo inaasahan. Masaya pagkat hindi mo inaasahan. Hindi mo inaasahan sapagkat ang alam mo e hanggang dun lang sa hindi mo inaasahan. Hanggang dun lang ang alam mo dahil hindi mo talaga inaasahan. Maaring paulit ulit pero ito ang aking nararamdaman. Pero sana, maulit muli ang bagay na iyon na hindi ko talaga inaasahan. Sa parehong pagkakataon tayo nagkakilala at sa tulong niyon ay lumago kahit konti ang ating pagsasama. Pero sana, hindi pa dito matatapos ang lahat. Mabait ka, alam ko. Nakikita ko. Nararamdaman ko. Maliban na lang kung dahil lasing ka o dahil may espesyal na tao kang kasama. Pero okay lang. Natutuwa akong makita kang tumawa dahil ko. Masarap sa pakiramdam, sa totoo lang. Ang hindi lang masarap sa pakiramdam ay ang hindi ka makita kahit isang araw pa lang ang nakakaraan. Oo, may paghanga ako. Pero paumanhin kung ganito ako humanga. Malala. Alam kong masasaktan lang ako kung hihingin ko ang mas malalim na relasyon dahil alam kong hindi mo ito maiibigay. Nung isang araw ko pa itong nararamdamn pero inip na akong makita kang muli. At mas naiinip akong maglaho ang paghangang ito. Nakakainip pagkat kung magpapatuloy pa ito, mas masakit. Mas mahirap pakawalan. Mas mahirap bumitaw. Hinihiling kong maglaho ito para pag nagkita tayong muli, ang mamimiss ko lang ay ang iyong pagbati sa akin, ang ating mga usapan bilang magkaibigan. Yun lang. Wala na ang mas malalim na nararamdaman.

Wag sanang ganon, ano? May pagkakapantay-pantay sana. Ito naman ay opinyon ko lamang. Pakisabi po sa akin kung mali ang punto ko. Salamat :)

It is the sleep that nourishes wisdom.

And thank God for that chance.

That I am living.

I have never expected that it would be this complicated for me to survive in a society where so much criticisms exist—the way you make-up and dress yourself, the way you talk and walk and even the sexual preference you are belong with. This is the humanity that I have woke up with. And this is where my whole life rotates in my many years of existence. It was summer vacation before I enter fifth grade in primary school. The hot, sizzling season was frozen by a request of a community leader. I was inquired to join the volleyball league in our sitio. Except of having a capability of playing it, I had no idea why I was chosen to be one of the players. And oh! It was like this. Every team should have to have a gay player. My world has just stopped in a bit. I didn’t know what I should feel that time. I didn’t know if it should be happiness that I can play one of my favorite games, shyness because I was not known in the society in a way that one particular gay should be or fear—fear of those persons who might possible tease over me and the fear that the treatment of my close friends more importantly my family will change. But the league ended that was never teased by somebody. I can’t help but to smile that I conquered those concerns and uncertainties. I was overwhelmed when one of my co-players told me that I was a good player. That paid the negativities that I felt that time. I considered it as very good compliment. But maybe those persons only treated me that way because they know that I was that young to suffer the consequences of having this preference. Many years had passed. Same routines. Same experiences. Same approach. But all of these had changed when I entered third year in secondary school. I really knew my true preference at that time. What I want. What I enjoy most of the times. What preference that I admire. I had so much laughter with my girl classmates. Many instances like I was going out of the room, I want to have a girl company and if it would be a boy, I would choose the handsome one that I will enjoy the moment with. I was that chatty that is not normal for a boy. These instances ignited more of my understanding of what preference I do have. In doing these things, I experienced so much tease. Majority of the mankind always made me feel different. They used to under-estimate my abilities. When there were forums discussing sexual preference, I have nothing to do but to put myself away from them because I know that I won’t be a help to them and I will be only discriminated which I hate most. There were also instances that most of my boy classmates always telling me, “Ikaw nama’y bakla”! Though I know in myself the real me, it’s still hard for me to accept those painful criticisms. Most of my friends always asking me if I do not have any problem because they used to know me as happy to be with person. They didn’t know that in spite of those punch lines, there was a hidden loneliness that I used to not let them know when I’m with them. I can’t help but to keep silent and always hoping that everything would be okay at the right time though there were sleepless night thinking those instances that pulled me down and lonely nights that were filled of anger and thoughts of discrimination. But these made me stronger and molded the new me. I admit that I had a fault of why this happened to me. I was never true to myself. I wasn’t able to introduce myself for who I am. I was not prepared enough to face those problems. And up to now, I can’t find time to tell my parents my true preference. Though they knew already when I was selected to be one of the volleyball players, it’s important if it would come from you—more personal, more truthful and the more emotion you spend, the more understanding they would have. Of all those bitter happenings in my life, it’s time for me now to be me. I learned to have more understanding. I uplifted myself from varied criticisms. I overcame the discriminations that once made me cry. There is nothing wrong of being true to yourself. As you are doing this, you can feel the acceptance and realization of why the unexpected things happen. It feels better when you are with yourself and eventually, you will find different feeling of satisfaction. Somehow, I’m happy now having this preference. I have the abilities that others do not have. I have the talents that I can be proud of. I have my inspiration that always lightens my day. I have my friends whom I spend laughter with. And above all, I have my family whom I know can accept me for who I am, make me feel free and will never make me feel that I am different. I cannot have these things if I relinquish. I still believe that for to live fully is to live with pain. Exactly of what life is all about.

If this isn't love, Tell me what it is. :))

Minsan nang namaliit sa lipunan.

--TheMistress

I can't end my day without hearing this inspiring song. :))