Unanticipated Release (not taxes!):
Extended Crisis Episode Recap:
Comey was hired four years ago and still had 6 left, or so he thought. We remember ol Jim from the summer of 2016 when he freed crooked Hillary from her inevitable prison sentence. Jim mostly kept his trap shut, until October of 2016, that is, ultimately killing tribute HRCโs presidency dreams. Oh 30 years of government experience is just no match for a grandma mishandling her emails. Dem dems were mad! Later Jim remarked that it made him โmildly nauseousโ but not fully, I suppose, so like, not?
Comey On, man:
Slim Jim lasted longer than most, especially after announcing in an open hearing that he was, indeed, in the process of investigating the โdonโt get mad, get Vladโ thing having just wrapped up the last bits of Weiner-related incidents, taking his sweet time to write down what he had seen. โI donโt even know how he shot it from this angleโ remarked Comey in a leaked memo; which makes sense, that dude is like 6 foot 8. Not flexible!
Unpresidented:
Oh, itโs amazing he has not โdisappeared under mysterious circumstancesโ so far. Still, olโ Jim held on, until Trump happened upon the chapter of โthings presidents can technically do but probably shouldnโtโ chapter of โprecedenting for dummiesโ. Shh, he hasnโt gotten to the
โSaturday Night massacreโ chapter yet; so no spoilers! (Turned out Nixon had been dead the whole time. Even Bruce was thinking โwhat are you talking about, Willis? I did not see that coming.โ) No, emperor Trump had so far NOT had a problem with the foam Come until he turned on a re-run of the hearing on CBS 60 minutes. โIโll show him, my hands are too big, way too big for handcuffs, believe meโ and he was allegedly overheard asking daddy Vladdy what he should do.
Favor por favor:
The very next day, we see the ambassador to whom we can connect every dead Russian or fired American enter the oval office, at the request of Putin, which now features several bouquets with webcams and microphones. King Don wasnโt going to have the lying, fake media in on this white Russian/cigar club โexcuse me? Because itโs the only fun thing Iโve even gotten to do. Unbelievable!โ but the Russians said โhey, Donald, come on, one picture for our totally real media in Moscow? No one vill know.โ He said โsure, what could possibly happen? And guess what guys? I get Intel, I have the best Intel, like an i7 thatโs how good it is, itโs inside this brief case that says top secret, with love, Isrealโ.
Suspense, suspended:
Literally within the hour the state sponsored Russian outlets had leaked it to our press, and off to the races the snowflake liberal media here goes. Speculation started circling, โwhat did they say?โ โWill we have to wait until next week?โ โNo one knowsโ or โwhy is spice spice baby hiding in those bushes?โ Turns out, unlike a complex riddle or a mystery novel or even a housewives reality show, our ruler confessed to the crime in the first few hours basically telling all the minions in these United States, โI completely did whatever my staffers are denying, but itโs fine but I fired the cop, my taxes pay his salary, after all. I do what I want and this whole thing is the mediaโs fault, in summary, facts pertaining: there is notta lotta you can do, Iโm bored, whereโs the coke guy I hired? No not that one, the drink one. Listen navy dudes about to put your lives on the line, Basically Iโm the biglyest unfairly treated person in history or the universe.โ
Interlude/nap time:
The citizenry were left wondering if Donny possibly forgot about Pence when coming up with that mathematically correct statement. Pence was allegedly overheard saying โjust a few more months Mikey, just hang on,โ but other than that he wasnโt seen muchโฆthat, or we fell asleep watching him. Speaking of boring, Ivanka released a book called โOffensively frivolousโ. No, really? We hadnโt caught onto that part. Yawn.
Surprise! Priming the pump:
What were we saying? Oh yes. Back to our homey Comey, our episode concludes that Trump fired him for investigating him and we know this because the king himself tweeted it and interviewed with some guy named Lester saying โyes, absolutely. I did that. Idk why the media or the cops are so mad. I did this for Hillary and this dumb investigation. He better hope there are no tapes!โ The camera pans out, as we see LA helicopters chasing the ousted Comey(who got the classic โYOUโRE FIREDโ line from a tv in the background as he was christening fresh FBI meat, telling them about all the things he loves about the FBI that for him would not be, and much to his dismay, the press was not actually playing a practical joke and they were in full on OJ/keep eyes on the juice mode by the time he hit the 405. Southern Californians grew rapidly concerned about whether this would cause a traffic situation, which to them would be worst case scenario. Thankfully they let him take his plane back to DC. Wow, wasting tax dollars much? I donโt see other just-fired people/immigrants getting free plane rides back to where to they came from.)
Before memes, came memos.
He (or one of his cop buddies) leaked a memo of his, detailing what one might call โa golden requestโ to โjust take it easy on Gen Flynnโ just like 45 did with Hillary in the campaign when he had amphitheatres shouting โdonโt lock her up, sheโs nice, she went to one of my weddingsโ. It was something like that.
Oh bloody hell here we go again:
Later Anderson Cooper finds the dark dank hole where KellyAnne Conway was lying in wait, allegedly upside down like a bat. He subsequently rolled his eyes at her. Hey AC, you invite the cray cray, you canโt be surprised when she starts stumbling around like a toddler bereft of parental attention. โI know you are but what am I!โ she shouted into any microphone or poor creature in the vicinity.
โWhoโs the fatty?โ A benefactor of nepotism:
Trump tried out Spicerโs probable replacement in the press room, something Huckabee, who lied a little better than Old Spice, but remained just as unpalatable or as our FBI bro would put โit makes me mildly nauseusโ..frumpy trumpy also fantasized on twitter of maybe just getting rid of the free press altogether. Sadly he has not killed all the journalists yet, with Putin saying โneyt. I would not be Putin up with that. Zat is my job. I have special jail for journalist, special death for journalist, but I will use journalist to leak to stupid American journalist. Besides, who else can I use for Mother Russiaโs message? We donโt have journalists or hookers here, but if we did, they are the best.โ
Ghost of impeachment past tweets:
In the end though, it seems as though we may be witnessing the beginning of the avalanche, because we even glimpsed the poor soul who runs the Nixon library twitter account tweeting, โeven our guy didnโt do THAT. #keepit100 #notnixonianโ. This weekโs episode was a nonstop thrill ride in that most Americans now have whiplash from shaking their heads in disbelief. Thatโs not covered under DonTcare though, SAD!
*law and order gavel sound*
Terms we had to learn this week: emoluments, Nixonian, โhostile nationโ, foreign Intel, impeachment, technically legal, obstruction of Justice
We pay tribute to the fallen:
James (We Already Forgot) Comey.
DISTRICT: MIXED FEELINGS.
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