I'll Come Running - R.C. - Chapter 73
Rafe led his Jessie out onto the open floor, where people had been mindlessly swaying for hours to light contemporary music. They began to do the same, both gazing into the other's eyes with a warmth they hadn't felt in a while.
"It seems like the MM are doing pretty well here." Rafe spoke up, not letting go of the eye contact.
"I told you they would be just fine." Jessie replied with a soft smile. Rafe laughed and looked down, with a nod of understanding.
"You were right." He stated plainly. A little moment of silence elapsed before Rafe finally mustered up the courage to say what he had been waiting to say for years.
His wife waited patiently for his next words, raising her brows and leaning in a little more. He looked down and swallowed the lump in his throat, trying not to show his nerves. He looked back up at Jessie with a newfound seriousness that almost concerned her.
"I have something I want to give you."
Jessie knitted her brows together in clear confusion. The couple still managed to sway back and forth to the piano while Rafe carefully rummaged through his pants pocket. He eventually pulled out the tiny black box and carefully opened it, revealing the gorgeous ring that caught the warm mood lighting perfectly. Jessie's jaw dropped, but she was still confused... she already had a ring?
"This... is my mom's ring..." Rafe trailed off as he looked at his wife with hope behind his eyes. "And I want you to wear it."
"She'd want you to, Jess... you're the girl she's always dreamed of for me. And if she were here right now I know she'd do the same."
Jessie choked on her words, suddenly feeling like the room was getting hotter and smaller. She looked around to see the pogues were now all standing comfortably at the bar with smiles on their faces watching the exchange. Oh god. This was not about to be pretty. She took a deep labored breath and looked back up at Rafe. However, her expression was not one of unbelief and gratitude like Rafe expected. Instead, she looked... conflicted... and a little distraught. He was now the one to wear the confusion across his face. Jessie shook her head slowly, trying to choose her next words carefully. Rafe suddenly was overwhelmed with fear of what she was going to say next. He could also feel the room getting tighter and tighter with each passing second. The ringing in his ears was too much to bear, but suddenly Jessie's voice cut right through it.
"Rafe." She spoke up just loud enough for him to hear. Her eyes were now locked on the man in front of her and her jaw was clenched. Shit. She was angry... but why? "I thought you would have come to me by now." She whispered in an eerily calm demeanor as she shook her head in disappointment.
"What do you mean?" Rafe asked, now with his brows furrowed. He was begging for her to elaborate.
"You really think I don't know?" Jessie spat, now playing with a neutral expression on her face. It looked as if she was hiding a smirk.
"Know what?" Rafe asked, clearly playing dumb. He wanted to let go of Jessie and back away slowly for fear of what was to come, yet suddenly he felt her grip tighten, as if to silently say that they were about to have this tough, ugly conversation in front of every one. She laughed as she looked down for a split second.
"About the coke." Jessie finally answered. Rafe still tried to play it off like he was clueless.
"W-what? Jessie? What coke?"
Jessie just laughed and bit her lip.
"Rafe... you really don't think I'm thatĀ stupidĀ do you?"
She knew. Rafe realized there was no hiding it anymore. Tears began to fill his eyes and his lip began to quiver. Yet he still danced, for fear of what would happen if he stopped.
"I've known for a long time now, Rafe." She interrupted. Yet her ability to never lose her cool was always what made Rafe so uneasy.
"I wanted to give you the opportunity to either fix your mistake or come to me about it... and seeing as you've done neither and clearly have no intention of telling me before putting your own mothers ring on my finger... I can't let it slide by anymore. I won't."
Rafe struggled to breathe. All he could utter were two simple words.
Ironically, Jessie's face still showed some sort of odd sympathy, yet Rafe knew it was all an act for the party going on around them. She cupped his face in her hand, which now felt ice cold to him, much like her calculated words.
"I've know the whole time."
Rafe still couldn't catch his breath, now just standing there with his mouth wide open and his eyes searching for any sign of understanding from the woman he loved. He wouldn't find any.
"I knew you were strung out the night we had dinner out on the patio at the Bahamas. I knew you were on coke the night we fought in my old apartment. I knew you were high the night of our little dinner party with the shareholders, and every time in between, Rafe."
Rafe was now shaking at the realization that Jessie was not bluffing. Then again, she never did. He couldn't find many words.
"Rafe..." she interrupted, this time with a smirk that wasn't trying to be hidden. "I know you..." she whispered. God, she was right. Rafe thought how could he be so stupid, thinking Jessie couldn't see right through him this whole time? "I know you better than anyone in this world... I know you better than you knowĀ yourself... and that's always been what makes us and what breaks us."
Rafe felt like he was going to puke. Jessie was unpredictable... almost unreadable in the moment. Yet the party continued around them, with nobody having any clue what hell just broke loose between the matriarch and patriarch of this party.
"Rafe..." Jessie went on, toying with a grin. "This whole time you've felt the need to tell me how to play thisĀ game.Ā Telling me how I need to act, what I need to say, and how I need to move strategically in order to give our family a shot at a better life ... you still think I'm some hot head who's always going to say what I think and not consider the consequences of my actions..." Jessie paused, licking her lips and allowing Rafe to hang on to her every word. She still swayed to the music in perfect frame. She pushed her eyebrows together as she locked eyes with her husband.
"I knowĀ exactlyĀ how to play this game. Don't you ever think for one damnĀ secondĀ I don't know what it means to hold my tongue for the sake of someone I love." She said, this time her eyes shifted to a darkness he hadn't seen before. It was a rage that she had masked for god knows how long. Jessie had Rafe in the palm of her hand, and he could feel her starting to crush his facade slowly, all while maintaining hers. This. This moment right here, was exactly what her upbringing had prepared her for. Rafe had never seen anyone... not even him... not even his father... with the ability to read people like Jessie did. It was her sixth sense.
The words made Rafe's heart stop. He was convinced it actually would have if he hadn't still been somehow standing up. He felt Jessie finally drop his hand in the middle of the dance floor and walk away. He stood there with his feet planted on the floor as he watched Jessie slide right past the Pogues to get a glass of champagne from the bar like nothing had happened, the gentle sway of her backless dress now emphasized by her loose hips. There she was... still playing the game too damn well. She uttered a few words to her brother and whisked herself away. Rafe just watched as she calmly exited through the grand doors. He had no clue what to do.
The fact that Jessie just waltzed out of the room as if she hadn't just dropped a bomb on his life was the first thing that came to his numb mind. Suddenly, his insecurity turned to downright storm clouds behind his eyes. Although he needed to stay and entertain, he knew he wouldn't be able to, not with the anger that was impossible for him to hide. He seethed at the idea of her sauntering back into their home, feeling accomplished with the way she left him and him having to go on with the night and explain why she wasn't there. NowĀ heĀ was the one who felt like he was a pawn that his wife was clearly in control of. How the tables had turned.
He shouldn't have been as infuriated as he was considering that he had been keeping just as big of a secretā if not biggerā from his wife. Yet he couldn't ignore the burning in his chest and the fire in his brain. He took short breaths and clinched his fists together, trying his damndest not to let anyone there see him sweat. Not the Pogues, not the MM, and certainly not his shareholders. But god, he couldn't just stand there. Before he had the opportunity to be swept away by more mindless chatter from some random, he trudged past the crowd and walked straight out of the room, leaving the party without a host.
Rafe walked through the Fourier and towards his private elevator. He had assumed that Jessie had done the same just minutes before. As he was going up to the top floor he couldn't help but pace in that tiny box. Should he be upset? Should he be grateful? Should he take it out on Jessie? Who exactly was he upset with? He had no answers. Finally, the ding of the elevator rang through and the doors opened. He marched down to the last door and jingled his keys around to unlock it. He cursed Jessie under his breath for being petty enough to lock the door. He swung it wide open to reveal his wife sitting on the couch with a glass of champagne in her hand and her silk dress still on. Despite her looking rather comfortable, Rafe could tell she was anything but. She still had her shoes on, which meant she was prepared to leave at any moment. In fact, he noticed she changed into her dirty white converse. She wasn't just prepared to leave, she was prepared to run... or fight.
Even though the thud of the door swinging against the wall was loud enough to wake the dead, Jessie simply rotated her head achingly slow to see her seething husband at the entrance. His jaw was locked, eyes narrowed, nose flared, and chest bowed. She lived for it.
"What theĀ hellĀ was that out there, huh?" Rafe fumed, now walking in the living room, suddenly feeling like his tie was suffocating him and opting to loosen it.
"It was me confronting you." Jessie replied plainlyā almost sarcasticallyā not daring to drop the eye contact as she took a sip of her champagne. She hated the stuff, but she needed a buzz.
"A-a-and you didn't think to do that shit in privateĀ weeksĀ ago? You are unbelievable, Jessie Cameron!"
"How is this my fault?" Jessie sassed right back, now standing up. "You'reĀ the one that willingly hid your coke addiction from me for weeks!"
"Bullshit, Rafe!" A pause came over them as Rafe realized he had been called out once more. "The longer you hide it the easier it gets. I knew that! I saw the distance in your eyes weeks ago! I was going to confront you after the holidays but tonight... when you wanted to put that ring on my finger... I couldn't do it. Not when I knew you wereĀ lyingĀ to me. Your mother deserved better."
"Don'tĀ tellĀ me what my motherĀ deservesĀ Jessica!" Rafe was now screaming from the top of his lungs. Jessie knew she made the right choice when she told JJ to keep Charley downstairs no matter what until she texted him. Jessie just paused, looking at the man in front of her with disgust.
"You're a monster." She said with disgust.
"YouĀ madeĀ the monster...Ā twice."
Jessie sucked in a breath as she realized just what Rafe meant. NowĀ sheĀ was the one being confronted with her own part in this disaster. The fact that she had introducedā and reintroducedā her husband to coke was the sin she couldn't forgive herself for even if she tried. And she had tried. She constantly told herself that it wasn't her fault that Rafe took his addiction too far. But she learned that two things can be true at the same time. Rafe hadn't seemed to understand that just yet. The words alone took the fire out of her breath and the fierceness out of her eyes. She now teared up at the scary reality that RafeĀ actuallyĀ blamed her for this... and she did too.
"Rafe..." she squeaked out, still trying to hold onto her determination through short breaths. "You didn't deserve what happened to you... but neither did I." Jessie hoped those words were enough for Rafe to find his fault in this as well. Clearly Jessie had. The guilt of it had eaten away at her for years.
Rafe felt he had cast plenty of blame on himself all the way up until this point. Why he couldn't see past his rage? He didn't know.
"I'm having a hard time forgiving you this time..." Jessie said. Rafe laughed and put his hands on his hips as he looked down. He shook his head and clicked his tongue, clearly not believing what he was hearing. He popped his head back up with a fake smile.
"You know what, Jessie? I'm having a hard time forgivingĀ youĀ this time."
Jessie looked down at her husband's shoes and played with the skin on her lips. He noticed her posture deflate at his words. It seemed they were at an impasse. Jessie just looked around for the words.
"Well then I guess... neither one of us know where to go from here." She said as she threw her hands up in defeat. The words cut deep for both of them. A hush fell between them as they both realized what this meant.
"I guess it does." Rafe tried to say nonchalantly with a flustered shrug of his shoulders .
"Rafe..." Jessie continued, this time no longer masking the clear hopelessness in her voice and eyes. He watched her intently. "Were no good for each other. When we're together all we know how to do is be irresponsible. This isn't high school anymore. Besides ... neither one of us had any love to give in the first place... we both knew that."
Yet another reality check that stung a little too much for either of them to handle. Yet Rafe tried to keep his composure. He shrugged and blinked back tears.
"We didn't know how." He replied, with a nod indicating he understood. That was the sad reality neither one of them had voiced until this very moment. The couple once bonded over their warped perception of love... and yet now it was their downfall.
"So there's no fixing this." Jessie stated. "But I mean... we do have a daughter to raise."
Rafe looked beyond his wife to think of a solution. He couldn't find one.
"Jessie, you don't trust me... and I don't trust you. And like you said... all we do is tear each other apart. We know each other too well."
"Yeah... but our daughter trustsĀ us.Ā And I swore the second I found out I was pregnant that she would not be the child of drugged out father and a helpless mother... so until you can get this figured out... I'm taking Charley."
As if the conversation couldn't get any more earth shattering, Rafe realized that he was now losing his daughter too. His eyes grew wide and panic clearly set in.
"Woah woah woah woah... you're not gonna keep myĀ daughterĀ from me."
"Yes I am Rafe..." Jessie implored calmly as she walked over to their bedroom. Rafe followed her.
"And it starts tonight... I'm going back to my old apartment." Jessie finished as she began to pack a small backpack.
"Wait wait wait, Jessie." Rafe pleaded now with wide eyes as he realized this conversation took a totally different turn that he wasn't prepared for.
"I didn't think you actually meantĀ leavingĀ me, I mean I though this was just another-"
"What the hell else am I supposed to do, Rafe? It's the only way you seem to get your shit together... but I'm not coming back... we're done."
"Jessie..." Rafe begged with tears in his eyes as he got closer. He knew she didn't throw out ultimatums unless she meant them. She meant it this time. He knew when she was done. He wanted to touch her so bad, at least find some way to bring her back to him, but he knew he couldn't.
"Rafe, you act like taking my child from you isĀ easy!Ā You don't think it's killing me? The thought of having to explain to her why she can't see you every morning? Why her mom and dad aren't sleeping in the same bed or living in the same house? IĀ knowĀ the questions are gonna come... andĀ I'mĀ gonna have to answer them... for the rest of her life! This was exactly why I left in the first place! And now I'm forced to do the very thing I was terrified of... sharing our daughter."
"Jessie..." Rafe cried, trying anything to get her to stay and work this out.
"Rafe..." Jessie interrupted, now with just as many tears. "It's over." Her voice cracked.
As much as he didn't want to, Rafe understood. He swallowed the lump in his throat, now looking at Jessie with not a thought behind his eyes except for his own guilt and reconciliation. He choked on his next words, unsure of what to say to get her back.
"Look, Jessie, if it's not you it's not anyone... I tried for years to fill that void and I'm never going to find anyone else..."
Jessie laughed at the very idea. Rafe clearly was frantic and pulling at straws to figure out any other reason to convince her to stay.
"Rafe..." she rolled her eyes with a hopeless smile. "I'm not gonna be with someone else either... To be with anyone else is a crime... and just not fair to whatever pour innocent soul that could be. We're the only ones perfectly wrong for each other." She whispered as she looked dead on at the man she loved most.
The both of them knew that to be true, both equally as damned to ruin the next person if they ever came along. They reserved that right only for each other.
Jessie began to walk towards the front door, bag in hand to go downstairs and pick up Charley, and probably any other pogues that want to go with her. She couldn't bring herself to walk out without first turning around to look at her husband.
No words were said, yet Jessie could tell he was hanging on every word. He stood just mere feet from her in the doorway with his hands on his hips trying to keep it together.
"I love you. Never forget that."
To hell with keeping it together, at that point all Rafe could do was look away and pinch his features together in an attempt to not let the waterworks fly. His lip quivered. He sniffled and took a deep breath, looking back at his wife.
"I love you too. And don't you forget this, Jessie Cameron..." He replied with a point of his shaky finger through tears. Jessie inclined her ear, imploring him to go on through tears of her own.
"If youĀ everĀ need me... I'll come running."
It was in that moment, as the two star crossed lovers locked eyes with so much love yet so much hatred that this was the way it had to be, that they realized that maybe the only reason for their romance was for Jessie to make Rafe a little more wild... and for Rafe to make Jessie a little more cautious. If that was the case, they had served their purpose.
