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Big Megan is nineteen years old. Nineteen. It's like Sophia thinks that Meg forgets that fun fact every time she catches the younger girl scrolling through Twitter for much too long for her to be watching anything other than hate comments. Sophia could look at her accusatorily, could tilt her eyes downwards over her glasses and quirk her eyebrows up and remind Megan that they all agreed to stay away from the toxicity oozing out across the internet. It does something to Megan’s chest, making her feel smaller but not really, when Sophia just reaches her hand out and the rectangular piece of technology falls into her palm wordlessly. They both know Lara knows the password which means Sophia probably does too but she spares Megan the implied scolding and just slides the now dark cell phone into the pocket of her jeans instead of clicking it back on to scroll through the mess that Megan had been wading in. Instead, Sophia just asks if Megan wants to slip and she can feel her eyebrows lift impossibly higher when Megan shakes her head and then walks out of the room past Sophia to go ‘shower’. They both know it's far more likely that she’ll end up on the back patio in the dark, wordlessly cataloging the expanse of stars above her with Sophia’s words still clattering around in her head. 

You’re only nineteen, baby girl. Give yourself a break. 

It seems that Sophia’s hunch was right, because staring out the window of Lara and Megan’s room later that night, she can see the clear outline of a teenager sprawled out on the patio and pink highlights that keep catching the light streaming out of the kitchen. She carefully scans the rest of her face, making sure the light isn’t catching the shine of tear tracks on her cheeks even though she knows that's where she’ll eventually end up. As much as Sophia wants to go outside and force her to slip, that never ends up in her favor and usually results in a pouty Megan avoiding her for a couple of days. Sophia sighs, turning back to Lara, who’s mostly laying down in her bed, but propped up on her elbows so the leader can get a good look at her face. 

“Megan’s on Twitter again.” Lara’s sigh punches a piece of her soul and Sophia watches the younger caregiver pinch the bridge of her nose in carefully placed exasperation. Not with Megan, never with her baby, but with the thousands of people online who think its okay to be mean to teenagers trying to live their dreams. 

“Okay. She needs to slip, I can see the stress building up again, but she keeps saying she doesn’t want to.”

“That’s-”

“Bullshit. Yeah, I know Sophia. I know. I’m gonna talk to her about it okay. Can I have her phone?” 

Sophia steps into the hallway with Megan’s phone placed carefully on Lara’s nightstand and a cold ball of unsettlement tucked uncomfortably under her ribs. This is probably not going to be good. 

Sophia is not a mind reader. Or a fortune teller. Or telepathic, as much as wishes she was, but she does know her girls. She knows that Manon sucking in her breath like that means I’ve been done with this rehearsal for an hour, and Ace glancing at Daniela means how many more times are we gonna mess up before they just let us go home. She also knows that the way Megan’s shoulders are hunching in more and more means that her anxiety is skyrocketing, building like an unstable skyscraper that will inevitably have to topple over. It’s already ridiculously late, the quiet rumbles of Sophia’s stomach telling her its well past dinner, but the look in Sohey’s eyes are telling her they’re probably far from done. The new choreography is difficult, or “challenging” as Sohey has phrased it. What that actually translates to is that they’ve now run it so many times that all seven girls' brains are numb and yet they still can’t quite get it right. Fuck. Sophia wants to go home. 

Sohey calls for a water break, which they desperately need but none of them have dared to say anything. Yoonchae sits with her head tipped back against the mirror, Ace slumps across Dani and Manon’s laps and Sophia watches them poke playfully at her sides for a bit before she catches an image that immediately sends dread pooling into the pit of her stomach. 

Megan’s sitting against a wall, knees tucked to her chest, fists clenching and unclenching and then clenching once again. Alarms blare in Sophia’s brain, reading her body without being close enough to hear the words that are firing back and forth between her and Lara. The caregiver kneels in front of the dancer, concern etched into her feautures. Sophia’s stomach tightens again.

She is going to have a panic attack. Lara seems to be well aware of this fact, and as Sophia gets closer she can hear a “No, baby, I don’t care if you mess up rehearsals, we’re going home. Its enough.”

“No Lara-please- Please. I can be good, I’m good, I-I-I just need some water. Please.” Megan’s voice is breaking all over the place, but she’s still speaking softly enough that only Sophia and Lara can hear them, the dancer still seemingly oblivious to their leader’s presence. 

“Hey, Meg, baby-” 

“No!” The dancer has finally tilted her head up towards Sophia, catching the soft concern in her eyes. Sophia stares down at flushed cheeks and glassy eyes but she only gets a glimpse before Megan’s face is tucked into her knees. 

“It’s just Soph, baby, it’s okay.” Lara tries to soothe, her words gentle and her hands scratching softly at the top of her head, but Megan’s face pops up somehow more distressed by the second. 

“No no no no no don’t send us home, I have to dance, have to prove it, I can’t-can’t mess it all up, I can’t mess it up, we have to get it right-I don’t want-” The dancer’s breaths are coming in shorter and shorter, interrupting her words in wet gasps that means she’s not crying yet, but she’s about to. Megan springs to her feet with a surprising amount of force, nearly knocking Lara off balance. Her body stutters, like she can’t really figure out what to do and she takes two steps towards Sophia before stepping back, her hands wrapping tightly around her probably already aching ribs, her fingers still moving frantically. The sudden motion draws the attention of the rest of the group and the four eyes that snap to her do not help the current situation. Neither does Manon’s gentle “Meg? Are you good?” and Sophia internally cringes as Megan spins around, her back now to Sophia and her chest heaving. 

“Stop,” She pleads in a whisper, the telltale lisp curling up against her words, “I can’t- I don’t want to. I don’t want to- I want to dance. I don’t want to make it harder for my Rara.” Lara stands up to cup Megan’s face and Sophia can picture the tears clinging to the dancer’s eyelashes. 

“You need to breathe, baby. Slowly. It’s okay, you’re not making it harder for anyone. Just breathe.” Megan’s shoulders shudder, the exhaustion of her panic on top of the hours they’ve spent dancing on top of internet pressure plowing into her all at once. Megan’s head drops, her face smushing into Lara’s shoulder as her shoulders start to shake, her cries muffled by her caregiver’s T-shirt. Lara’s eyes catch Sophia’s, the leader lifting her hand up in a silent question. Lara nods, her own arms already circling around the younger girl’s back, cradling her under the harsh lights of the practice room and the concerned eyes of their sisters. Sophia’s palm lands gently on her damp T-shirt, rubbing slow circles as sobs wrack the little’s body. Sohey stands by the speaker, and Sophia shakes her head when his eyes jerk up. 

“We’re done.” The leader's words are gentle, but commanding, leaving no room for the argument she can see ticking in his head. Its a humorless staring contest, but Sohey isn’t mean. He works them hard, but he takes no joy in their exhaustion or suffering, which Sophia appreciates greatly. He claps his hands gently, quietly dismissing the rest of the girls. Relief floods their faces and Sophia briefly steps away from the sobbing dancer to look Yoonchae in the eyes. 

“I am not feeling little and I do not want to slip. I want to go home and sleep. Stay with them.” The maknae whispers before Sophia even opens her mouth and the leader squints at her, her eyes scanning for any signs of a lie. 

“You know that my priority is-”

“Yes I know. You’re my Phia, but I do not want my Phia right now. I want to get into Dani’s car and go to bed.” Sophia nods, smiling gently as she watches her little walk out of the door, running happily after Ace.

“I’m gonna make sure she eats! And Ace took your car keys!” Manon calls softly and Sophia smiles again before the practice room is empty and Megan is still shuddering in Lara’s arms. 

Her body has collapsed in on itself a little more in the maybe three minutes that Sophia was looking away, and Lara’s probably supporting more than half of her body weight. The caregiver slowly lowers them to the ground, speaking quietly in that tone that makes even Yoonchae feel little sometimes.  If Megan’s not small yet, she’s about to be, but Sophia has never really enjoyed saying what everyone is thinking out loud. Megan’s still muttering ‘I want to dance’s and ‘I can do it’s but her voice is getting smaller and smaller, more high pitched and lispy and when her head lifts off of Lara’s shoulder, Sophia can see the way her eyes dilate all the way in the mirror. 

“Rara…?” Lara’s eyes twinkle so warmly, her lips brushing Meimei’s forehead in a soft kiss. 

“Hi sweetheart. It’s okay babygirl, I’ve got you, Rara’s here.” She gets a tiny little whimper in response before the little’s head is turning to scan the room. Her eyes land on Sophia, who pushes down the little petal of pride that blooms in her chest when Meimei doesn’t shiver with anxiety or turn away from her again. Not the time, Sophia. They wait for another couple of minutes, letting Meimei breathe and her tears slow. 

“Rara, ‘hearsal over?” She asks, her eyes still taking in the empty floor. 

“Yes baby, its all done. No more work today. All done.” Sophia watches the way Megan’s hands tighten in Lara’s shirt, gripping her caregiver like she might disappear. 

“Meimei did???? Rara mad? Phia… phia mad? No more dance?!” 

“No more dance today baby. It’s late, time to go home for dinner and bedtime. It’s not your fault my love, no one is mad at Meimei.” The older girl catches her baby’s chin moving to gently cup the side of her face, slowly wiping the still falling tears with her thumb. 

“Hey, hey. No one is mad at Meimei. Everyone was done with dancing for today, it's all done.” Mei nods slowly, tugging her bottom lip in between her teeth and biting down hard in a way that pulls Lara’s face into a grimace. The caregiver’s eyes dart towards her purse and Sophia crosses the room in less steps than usual to retrieve the leather bag. She’s spent enough time with post-panic attack Meimei to know what Lara’s looking for and she slides a pastel pink plastic case into the caregiver’s waiting hand. Meimei’s face twists into confusion and then dread and anxiety as she realizes what Lara holds. 

“No, Rara, ‘m not a baby.” Lara’s nails tap against the plastic, acrylics trying to pry the case open one handed where Meimei doesn’t have to see. Her free hand is still wrapped around her little’s shoulders, keeping the almost-toddler tucked up against her warm body. 

“I didn’t say you were a baby, and even if you were, that would be okay. I would still love and care for you all the same, right?” She waits for Mei to nod, and watches the littles eyes drop downwards when she hears the tell-tale click of the latch finally giving in and the case popping open. 

“Rara I don’ wan it…” The little whimpers, embarrassment flooding her features. Her eyes flit up to Sophia, big and pleading.

“Baby I’m not gonna force you, you know I would never, but I think your lip needs a little break, huh?” Lara soothes, running her hands through pink bangs and blank strands. The leader can see Lara’s shoulders drop in relief as Meimei nods, twisting her face and opening her mouth just enough for Lara to pop the pink plastic of her pacifier inside. The second she latches onto it, Meimei’s face is hidden again, tucked firmly into Lara’s chest but Sophia can still see the way stress starts to bleed out of her shoulders and she hopes Meimei can leave most of it on the floor of the rehearsal room and not carry it with her all the way home. 

The younger caregiver reaches for her purse again, pulling a worn stuffed bear out and slowly uncurling one of the little’s hands. It’s immediately tucked under Mei’s chin, which both caregivers know is a silent thank you and I’m sorry but Lara just keeps her hands circled tightly around her baby squeezing gently. 

I got you, don’t be sorry.

“Come on sweet girl, its home time.” She coos, gently scooping Meimei up from the ground, carefully making sure the little’s face is still hidden. “Home and dinner and Phia’s coming too, isn’t that right?” Mei’s face tilts up enough that Sophia can see her eyes, big and trusting and no longer panicked. 

“Yeah sweetheart, I’m coming too!” She can hear Meimei’s happy little hum around her pacifier, even though its still hidden and Sophia reaches out to ruffle her bangs. She gets a playfully grumpy “hmph” before the leader goes to grab their rehearsal bags still sitting in the back of the room. 

The trio leaves the uncomfortable fluorescents of the building behind as they slowly step into the Los Angeles night and head towards Lara’s car, Lara’s arms full of a suddenly sleepy little. Sophia nudges the trunk open with a high heeled foot before opening the back of the car so Lara can quietly set Meimei down. The little whines quietly at being separated from her caregiver but she’s quickly soothed with a “we’re just going home baby, okay? We can cuddle at home, I promise.” She lets herself be buckled with minimal fuss before Sophia slides into the passenger seat and Lara starts the car. Sophia silently hopes that Mei doesn’t fall asleep because a sleepy Meimei is often a grumpy Meimei and she knows that they both really want to get Meimei to eat something and into bed before her anxiety can catch back up to her. 

In typical Meimei fashion, the quiet of the car ride lasts about five minutes. 

“Rara,” she says, taking the pacifier from her mouth. “I wan dinner.”

“I know baby, we can have dinner when we get home, I still have leftovers-”

“I wan nuggies.” Lara’s eyebrows raise, a small smile spreading across her face. “Pease.” The little adds after a beat, trying to find the other girl’s eyes in the rearview mirror. Sophia catches the other girl’s smile and knows she’s trying to remember where the closest Wendy’s is. 

“Okay baby, let's get you some nuggets.” Megan giggles happily, slipping her pacifier back into her mouth as she hugs Beary happily. Lara’s playful smile very quickly turns into one of pride. 

Fifteen minutes later they have a very happy Meimei and a Lara who’s hoping there’s no ketchup on the inside of her car. Her pacifier had shyly been handed back to her caregiver and tucked safely away where it wouldn’t get dirty or lost and Beary had been moved to the seat next to his owner where he would also, hopefully, remain ketchup-free. They eat quietly, parked under a streetlight in the fast-food lot, Lara gently reminding her baby to chew with her mouth closed. Sophia takes a quick moment to check in on the rest of her girls. She has a text from Ace informing her that her car made it home safe and sound, a text from Manon that Yoonchae ate the dinner that Sophia had left for her in the fridge, and a picture of the maknae fast asleep in her bed. She smiles, likes the message, and watches Lara take the empty nugget box from Meimei’s outstretched hands. 

“Happy my love?” She asks, stepping out of the car to throw away the trash, and rifling through her purse again. 

“Yeah! Happy!” She giggles, even as Lara swings the backseat door open to wipe the little’s hands and face. 

“Oh good sweetheart. How’s your brain feeling?” She pokes gently, not trying to overwhelm or embarrass the little in front of her. 

“Little.” Is all she gets, which is technically the truth and honestly, Lara will take it. Sophia watches fondly as the caregiver wraps a blanket around Meimei, tucking Beary back into her arms, and dropping another kiss to her forehead. She’s about to shut the door when Mei’s hand darts out from under her blankie and catches the waistband of Lara’s sweatpants. 

“Babygirl, I promise, we’re gonna go home and cuddle, okay sweetie? Just a little longer-”

“... My paci?” Her voice is quiet, whispered, like she doesn’t want Sophia to hear. Or like she thinks that Lara won’t want to give it back to her now that she’s settled down. 

“Oh my love, of course.” Lara coos, and Sophia listens to the sound of her fishing the pink case out of her pocket. “There you go, baby. Is that better?” Meimei must nod because the car door is pushed shut, and Lara climbs back behind the wheel. 

“Home?” 

“Home.” 

The drive itself is easy. Sophia has always loved the glowy bright streetlights against the backdrop of the milky night sky and the gentle sway of palm trees on the highway. However, getting Meimei out of the car without waking her up, into her jammies, and then into bed is not. Or at least, its not easy for Sophia. Lara makes it look almost effortless. The car is parked as quietly as possible, the leader wincing as the door shuts with her permission to be so loud. Mei’s seatbelt is unbuckled, the still sleeping little fussing briefly before being soothed by her Lara’s gentle words and even gentler hands. Beary remains firmly tucked under her chin even through the gentle bounce of the front steps and finally, finally past the threshold into the Katseye house. 

The house is dim, but not eerie. The living room is bathed in a mix of the golden lamp sitting peacefully in the corner, and the blue glow of the quiet television. Not that it would matter because all the words are in German. Manon sits, relaxed and showered, on the couch, tucked into her own hoodie and Daniela’s sweatpants and nestled under one of Sophia’s favorite blankets. She turns and smiles at them, eyeing the sleepy lump in Lara’s arms. 

“You need to go to bed.” Sophia says before she can stop herself, and Manon playfully rolls her eyes.

“I will, I will, don’t you worry.” She whispers back. “Need a hand?” Lara shakes her head, and Manon nods, her attention zeroing back in to what might be a documentary about mountains but Sophia can’t really tell. 

Their ascent up the stairs is as peaceful as it can be, with Sophia carefully pushing the door open so Lara can slip inside. Meimei mumbles sleepily as she’s slowly unwrapped from her blankie, the colder air waking her up just a little bit. Like a lot of littles, Meimei doesn’t like the dark, and Meimei after a panic attack is especially fragile. Sophia softly flits around the room, switching their fairy lights on and pulling the room out of darkness and into a gentle warmth. Lara nods gratefully, leaving Meimei curled on the bed for just a moment to pull some of her little pajamas out the bottom of her dresser. Sophia bites her tongue about the clutter and fabric strewn across the floor. The leader turns away when Lara starts to pull Meimei’s tanktop off, because while big Megan doesn’t care, the little is sensitive and Sophia doesn’t want to be the reason her anxiety takes over again. She decides to sort through the pill bottles lined up on the dresser, and by the time she has what she thinks is the correct combination of antidepressants and anxiety medication, Meimei’s rehearsal gear has been thrown into a hamper across the room and she looks much more content to be in a soft long sleeve shirt and soft green sleep shorts. 

She tips the pills into Lara’s hand, who holds them under the light and studies them quietly before nudging Meimei a little more awake and slipping the pacifier back out of her mouth. “Meds, baby.” She whispers, handing the girl the pills and her water bottle, watching carefully to make sure she doesn’t choke. 

“Rara cuddles now. An’ my paci” Meimei huffs, a frown starting to form on her face. The caregiver chuckles, returning the pacifier to the waiting little. 

“Hold on, I gotta get changed and then, yes, we can cuddle. Why don’t you ask your Phia to sit with you?” It's as if Mei had forgotten the older girl was in the room because she immediately reaches her hands out in a grabby motion, clearly requesting the other caregiver to pick her up. Sophia lifts the baby into her arms as she watches Lara vanish from her eyesight, returning moments later with her hair down and a hoodie replacing the probably sweat-soaked T-shirt. She settles into her own bed, moving the covers around before stretching her arms back out for Sophia to drop Mei into. The little settles quickly, with Lara pulling her comforter and blankets over the pair and making sure that Beary was still happily smushed into Meimei’s chest. The last thing Sophia hears before carefully closing the door behind them is,

“Tommorrow will be better, baby. Yeah, tomorrow will be better.”

❀ a/n: this is the first fic i've written in a really really long time and its my first agere fic, so let me know what y'all think! as always, shoutout to my partner in crime, @goodmorningfromthesunn, who built this au with me <3

❀ taglist (open): @sunnysetlove, @goodmorningfromthesunn, @unknown020312, @infinitelysilly, @meisposies