And now after all those year... Here I am again to shout out my feelings in my post that no one can read and no one will comfort me.
I am a mother now, O yes! I pretty sure that I'm proud to myself to be a mom. I am a mother my little angel.
But somehow I have a thought in mind about the future. "Can we make a future for him?". Way back the time when he ask me if I ready to have a baby, I said no, because I need to prepare physically, emotionally and financially that I was said that time. Then a year after he was back straight to my house. Then asking me again if I am ready to have a baby. And this time I said yes! because I am financially stable and after I have an operation for polyps removal that can cause infertility, why not to have one, I am thinking before it to late.
I been thinking so wrong that time.... I know in myself that I am ready but the one who ask me is not ready to become a parents. I'm so disappointed when I noticed this. So I asked myself why I easily to fall in love and to say yes to the person that not too irresponsible to his word. And then he never tell to me that there was a problem in his birth certificate so he can't marry me. A marriage that he promised for the first time he got to our home. It happens after our vacation at Cebu and Misamis.
In last month of my pregnancy he was so hurry to be onboard in the ship. Why? can't you wait to baby to come out? he replied "We don't have a money and I need to support you and baby". I answered him why are thinking that things right now after 8 months of my pregnancy you didn't hurry to onboard to support me? then he replied to me what is important right now? I dont want to feel the stressed that time so I stop to argue with him. Then I told it to my cousin she said to me if the baby comeout its difficult to my husband to leave befause he will missed the baby so much. That advise I been holding when my husband leave me one week before I giving birth to my baby.
After I giving birth to my angel I feel the gravity in myself thinking all of things that I face in in our relationship. I don't know why and whats going on I feel so frustrated and disappointed to myself. Why? Why I been thinking this way? My husband left me and go onboard in last month of my pregnancy because he didn't want to change the diaper of my baby...This is I been thinking the reason why he so hurry to leave and he wants to follow what his father said, that his father is on the ship when his mother's giving birth to him and his sibling. And he always told to my causin before he onboard that he will back one year after when our baby already walk to his own feet. Thinking of that is so frustrating I know I need to strong but why? then we still not marriage so our son is illegitimate in his birth certificate. Three months after giving birth he came back telling us that he can finish the contract because of mismanagement and improper treatment to them of their co employee. We our now living together in our house but my feelings still not change... easily to be anger, always feel the frustration.
