my story::y(our) story::The Story

UPDATE: I have officially distributed all of Vaneetha’s books! Thank you again to all who told me their own or other people’s stories of suffering. I am thrilled to get this book into people’s hands who are really hurting!

Do you know someone in the midst of a trial that could use some encouragement? Read below to find out how they can receive a FREE book and hand written letter!

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, Cruciform Press, a publication of Desiring God, had a special sale on a book called The Scars That Have Shaped Me by Vaneetha Rendall Risner.

I craved to read this book for a long time but financial limitations kept me from hitting the purchase button. When I saw the sale, I quickly capitalized and bought the book.

In my humble opinion, there are few who rival Vaneetha’s ability to capture the complexities of suffering with such candor and wisdom. Her blogs often mimic the cries of my hurting heart so closely, I feel I could have written the words.

When Vaneetha’s book order arrived in the mail, I was surprised to receive two shipments: my scheduled one copy order as well as a package of the same 25 books. I quickly emailed the good people at Cruciform and explained the mishap. I was happy to return the shipment but also informed them that if not, I’d send these extra copies with a letter to others experiencing various suffering.

A business manager promptly responded that the books were intended for Vaneetha, the author, but that it looked like God sent the books right where he intended them to be. I was blown away by their generosity and willingness to serve!

From my own experience, hand written letters are one of the most impactful ways we can minister to others. I can name several instances in my own life where a written letter provided just the encouragement and boost I needed to keep going in the midst of profound grief and pain.

Similarly, at various times during my own health crisis, I often longed for resources that could speak into my own suffering and remind me that I’m not alone. Vaneetha, the author of this book, has been one of those sacred resources for me. After reading most of her book, I can say with full confidence that the people who receive it will be nurtured beyond measure.

I am excited to send these books with a letter to others in various trials in the coming months, but I need your help. God has pressed a few people on my heart to send these books to, but I’d love some input.

If you have a Christian friend or family member experiencing a life-changing trial and needs some encouragement, would you send me their name, address, and a little about their story?

I do not have to personally know them. I am especially looking for others in the midst of an illness or experiencing some kind of loss (spouse, job, etc).

I recognize I only have a set amount of books and there are far more people hurting, but I pray the people I do get to send these books and letters to will feel seen, loved, and validated. Pray with me?

Thank you for taking the time to read, and I look forward to hearing from you! You can message me on Facebook or send an email to [email protected].

This update will be completely different from the last one. The past month and a half has been very difficult. Debilitating fatigue has been an ever-present reality, so much so that walking has been challenging at times. My mind struggles to concentrate so that I can write and update you all. These hard days are just a reminder that everything in life takes energy, down to our very thoughts. No amount of will power or desire will make this journey end. Time seems to be my best friend here. Through these moments I am reminded how utterly dependent on God we all are; I just have the privilege of being reminded of such dependence more than most people. Truly, every breath and step is a gift from the Lord.

The symptoms from coming off pharmaceutical medications have come back, and all I will say is that I pray no one in my life has to experience this agony. Time will be my best friend in this case, too. Satan has attempted to discourage my heart once more with my car engine dying. The financial strains of medical bills and other expenses are one more form of suffering when your body does not have the ability to work. The first verse that popped into my head when I heard the news about my car is Job 13:15, “Though you slay me, I will hope in him.” My car dying is simply another opportunity for me and my family to choose thankfulness and faith when all Satan wants us to do is curse God. And we will. He is good, and what He does is good. Surely it is for my benefit to suffer such anguish. 

I’m reminded of a quote by Vaneetha Rendall, “God is most glorified when we declare him sufficient in the midst of great loss.” That is my calling right now: to declare Him sufficient through all of this suffering. Satan can throw many fiery darts, but he can never take my soul. I am eternally secure, eternally safe through the blood of Jesus. I will praise Him in the valley, because nothing is more of a miracle than our salvation, not even God choosing to completely heal my body. I have much to be grateful for, including being able to write this very update in the midst of a hard phase. I haven’t always had that luxury.

The valley has become a very familiar place for me, but I am still proclaiming and believing the goodness of God. That is a miracle from God, too -- I still genuinely believe in His goodness, despite my circumstances the last several years. From every indicator, I am very confident that this is just a phase and will not last forever. My doctor thinks I have around another year until my health is fully restored, but she also stressed that I’m going to have ups and downs, like this one. This valley does not negate what I wrote in my last blog post: I still believe God has performed a miracle when it comes to my health. I am still able to drive, write, and go out occasionally, even in this valley. That is a miracle. I have greatly improved.

I am getting better. That is the bottom line, and I can’t tell you how great it feels to be able to write that sentence! For so long I did not even have a quality of life and hope felt incredibly small. I had resigned so many of my desires for my future, because they just didn’t seem possible. However, God has genuinely performed a miracle when it comes to my health, and I could not be more grateful. Truly, nothing is impossible with God! Small, mundane tasks like driving or going out to eat fill me with so much joy. Simple joys are profound joys for me, because I never thought I’d be able to do them again. The verses that so adequately describe my feelings are Psalm 30:11-12, “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.” This is exactly how I feel and exactly what He has done. Praise God for answering the prayers of His people, and a deep thanks to all of you for your faithful, enduring prayers! My much improved quality of life is an example of the power of prayer, and it is through tears that I offer my sincerest gratitude.

 I am now able to read and write again, regularly hang out with family and friends, attend weddings, drive, go to church and Bible study, lightly exercise, and overall just enjoy this beautiful life God has given me. This past Saturday I even danced at a wedding reception for 2 ½ songs! I cried on Sunday as I talked with my mom about what it has been like to do all of the above. When you are convinced you will never physically be able to do some of the minutest things in life again, there is joy beyond words for the simple and mundane. I pray that I will never lose this deep, abounding gratitude for the simplest gifts of life. I am reminded of the words of C.H. Spurgeon, “Nothing can so make our joys shine as having passed through deep sorrows to reach them.” How true are these words!

 I finally feel like I am in the driver’s seat when it comes to my health, and though I still have a ways to go, I am at least moving in the right direction! The biggest catalyst in my improved health has been getting off pharmaceutical medicine. Though getting off has been a form of suffering in and of itself, it has been the best decision for my health that I have made. The medicine was, in fact, making my pain and fatigue infinitely worse. I still have hard days or weeks where my energy is low and/or my pain is high, but praise God those days are slowly becoming less and less. I have been able to manage my pain through the help of restorative yoga, massage therapy, and essential oils, and I am still taking dozens of high quality supplements as well as weekly glutathione/vitamin C infusions for mitochondrial dysfunction.

 I crave normalcy so much, and whenever I get a taste of normalcy, it does make the hard days tougher. I have learned that it is better to not fight the pain or fatigue, but to instead listen to my body and be kind and compassionate to it as I continue to heal. Since first seeing my doctor last spring, she has said that this health journey would be a marathon with ups and downs, and I recognize that I am very much still in the middle of the race, though I have taken significant steps forward. I get an extremely in depth blood panel back at the end of August which will give me a better understanding of how much further I have left to go. The good news is that my doctor sees no reason why my mitochondria will not make a full recovery based on how much I have progressed, so we are confident that my energy will be fully restored in the foreseeable future. Praise the Lord!

The question I’m asked the most often as I’ve walked through chronic illness for 7 years is, “How do you do it?” It’s a very fair question. One I actually ask myself sometimes! Chronic illness is hard– there are always daily battles to fight, whether it’s mustering the strength to go to the doctor and get a not-so-fun test done Continue Reading

I have been overwhelmed by the amount of people who read my last blog post on grief. My site hit record numbers. Of course the analytic side of me kept asking, “Why?” Why would a post on grief be the blog that has been the most popular since starting my website? I’ve come up with a few reasons. Why Grief Continue Reading