Anastasia

OH. MY GOSH.

Some things are perhaps best left buried under the weight of time.

Do not reach for the rose, if you cannot handle its thorns.

Today, i did not wake up with that glow in my eyes. They say i will, once wounds have healed and my hands have picked up all my broken pieces. Well, i guess i am not there just yet. But one thing is for sure: now, i know better. I made a playlist of the songs that reminds me of what it used to be and by judging the songs it has, i know that for both of us, it was love. Altogether, it was joy, longing, passion and even the feeling that butterflies give. I loved you more. I loved you more that i loved us. I loved you more than i loved myself. I loved you more than you loved me. We were something beautiful and something tragic. Maybe i was too poetic about everything that life threw something almost the same as my poems and metaphors. And ironically, even though it burned me to ashes, i am grateful. It still hurts; knowing how someone else and i overlapped, of how easy it was for you to leave and go on, and how it will never be the same for us again. But i do not wish for moments when you suddenly knock on my door to beg for forgiveness until i take you back, not anymore. I know better. I just hope that one day, i can get that glow in my eyes as i leave all the pain in my sleep just like how she said.

I was happy with you, I’ll be happy without you. My happiness is not subjective.

At this exact place, I realized that my life may just be constantly trying to find the balance of being alone and being with others. Too much of anything isn’t good, but how will I know when I’ve had enough? Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever know. My feelings tend to subconsciously control and justify my actions, but because of some source, we can’t always do what we feel, and how we choose to deal with that is how we grow.

I hope you are happy. I hope what you are doing right now is what you have always wanted to do in your life. I hope you finally found solace which you have always longed for. You went through enough hardship and suffering that you deserve endless beautiful days and people who will cherish you for your whole being; people who will love the parts of yourself that you show and kept hidden behind endless facades. I hope when you wake up every morning, you only feel the radiating warmth of sunlight peering through your window and not the pain from your past. And I hope whenever you feel worthless, I hope you remember that you are a poetry in motion. Remember you are made from the same materials as the stars. So shine, unapologetically.

We tend to seek answers for questions that we cannot fathom. We almost always end up associating what we feel to things or events which often leads us to be blinded by the made-up scenarios we have created in order to ease ourselves from uncertainties. The sad thing about it is some people become withdrawn from reality and start believing that their life now is not the life they are supposed to be living. They believe they should be in a parallel universe; a place where everything is okay and their heart is no longer in pain. However, sometimes the place where we find peace is not an actual place, per se. It is sometimes two arms hold you when you are at your weakest. It is sometimes eyes which keep your heart and soul at bay. It is sometimes a person. But whatever or whomever you feel and find tranquility, I hope it will last because this world has been far too cruel.

OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.

YOOOOOOO

THE BOY I FELL I LOVE WITH LEFT TO TRAVEL THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD AND HAS BEEN GONE NOW FOR 3 MONTHS. WE HAVENT SPOKEN SINCE BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO MAKE HIM FEEL TRAPPED TO ME AND NOT ENJOY HIS TIME SO I WAITED FOR HIM TO CONTACT ME FIRST. I SAW THIS ON A PARTICULARLY LOW DAY WHEN I WAS MISSING HIM SO MUCH I CRIED FROM THE PAIN, GUYS I REALLY LOVE HIM, SO I THOUGHT MEH WHAT THE FUCK, AND WISHED HE WOULD JUST LET ME KNOW HE WAS OKAY.

Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honour my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.

I don’t want to live in fear of my future, too paralyzed to act. I don’t want to live as victim of my past. I don’t want to dwell on things that haven’t happened or on things that have, for there is no going back. This is not the end of my story. There is more to me than that.

I’m trying to embellish my well being right now. Within this time frame I can only anticipate you do the same. I don’t expect you to grasp my intentions nor help me along the way but If you choose to stay I’ll be happy. If choose to leave I’ll be content as well. I’ll always have gratitude towards you, you were my everything and still are. However, I’m trying to make something for myself and I can only hope you can witness it with me one day, by my side or from a distance

Listen to me. Never seek validation from anyone. Learn to love and be kind to your body, mind and soul. Notice there is a vast difference between judging and valuing yourself. Don’t settle for blending into the background of society and doing things simply to gain the approval of others. Never be afraid to speak your mind, never be scared to do what makes you happy, and never feel pressured into changing yourself to be like other people. Strive to be the best version of you you can be. You are your very best friend. Only you can give yourself feelings of self-worth, acceptance, happiness and security. You are beautiful just how you are. This is a temporary life so don’t you dare change for anyone but yourself.