Kateraay

I made this tumblr when I was in high school. My first posts were literally ugly prom dresses. I haven’t used this account like over a freaking year....I literally dont even know what tumblr is liiikke anymore.

Anyways....the past two years have been...shitty?? But also great??

2016 sucked. My Dad passed away suddenly due to a heart attack. He was on life support for a week, and it was the worst week of my life. I couldn’t even say goodbye to him in the room because I couldn’t hear myself think because of the noises from the machines. The funeral was on my parents 30th wedding anniversary, in the church they got married in. There was a lot of things I wish I could have said to my Dad. So many things I wish we could have done together.  

Loss is horrible, no matter who it is. Its an inexpiable phenomenon that you truly can not understand until you experience it. But it really is a phenomenon in the fact that it puts your life into perspective.

After my Dad’s passing in May of 2016, obviously, I was depressed. There were many nights that I decided to have beer for dinner instead of cooking anything, or purposely stay home instead of going out with friends and drink by myself because I knew I would be crying the whole time. When I was younger, I had issues with alcohol...I used and abused it to cover up sadness that I was keeping secret from everyone. I convinced myself that people only liked the drunk me and the sober me was literally worthless, undesirable, and unlovable. No matter who much you can “work on yourself” when trauma or any other disasters life throws your way, you can get to a point of feeling so over whelmed that all those self hating thoughts and feelings you think about yourself come back to haunt you. My sadness for loosing him was slowly morphing into self hate because I was drinking to mask and “fix” my grief.

So I made an executive decision to stop drinking for an entire year. And I did it. I replaced beer and liquor with seltzer, ginger ale and non alcoholic ginger beer. For 365 days, I was completely sober. And honestly, it made me feel so much better. I felt like I was being productive, actually putting myself first for once. And I was finally coming to terms with my Dad’s passing.

2017 was vastly greater than 2016. I shot two weddings, had a great year at work. I also got very stressed out because of those weddings and the work load at work...the stress of 2016 and 2017 took a toll on my body for sure. Now its 2018, and I’m carrying over that damage stress did to my body. My period is very very messed up now.......my last period literally lasted 14 fucking days. I have a weird stye thing on my top eyelid that idk how da fuck to get rid of. And mentally...all of life’s stresses has put me back into that hating myself more than usual head space. 

Its always frustrating when you feel like you are making improvements and strides, life just decides to punch you in the gut. Then point, and laugh in your face. Like when you actually accomplish stuff but you can’t even enjoy it because a voice in your head is telling you you’re worthless and a living breathing dumpster fire ( and not in a funny ironic way).

The months leading up the the two year mark of my Dad’s death was way worse than the first year. Idk why....maybe it was more real? Maybe it was the added stresses of being an adult on top of it too? Maybe it was because I started drinking again?

So maybe its time I make another executive decision and make some more changes. I made a promise to myself when I was 19 when I was crying on a park bench in New York, having a mental freaking break down, that I would never allow myself to get to that place again. But sometimes its very difficult not to. it just happens. Life fucking happens.

I guess the point of this little rant or whatever this is....is just to take a moment, write down all the shit I’ve been thinking about for the past 2 years, breath, and release it. There is no good holding onto shit. Only hold onto it if it will help you grow. It also to hold myself accountable. I know no one is going to read this but me.