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“I still bring you up because the memory of you is all I have left. I still talk about you, just to taste your name on my tongue again. I still remember everything about you, and I can’t bring myself to forget.”
— once you were mine ( @words-of-heartbreak )
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January
I wonder if you think of me sometimes, like I do you.
Sometimes I enjoy the random thoughts of you, usually a happy memory sparked by a song or place. But other times, I want to rip out every part of my brain that has you stored in it.
I still love you. And I will always, but this is exhausting and I wish I could move on.
““It’s been a few days now and every hour, I can feel the pressure in my head, the breaking of my heart, and the drowning of my eyes. He always thought I was the stronger one, that I’d be the one to make it out of this alive. But I had to stare past him, I couldn’t bring myself to look at the mess I made, “it’s coming,” I told him. He had soft, brown eyes - those of a lost puppy that just wanted to find its way back home. He didn’t say anything, and so I started again, “it’s coming my dear, my life without you in it.””
— christina forino // the end is near
“I will not ask you to stay If you must go, go I don’t need you I will breathe (carefully) without you I will smile (slowly) without you I will go on (eventually) without you I’d be much happier If you chose to not leave, But if you must let go, let go And I will too And hopefully one day I will teach my heart to not break Whenever everyday thoughts Lead to you I’m afraid I’m much too weak, I’m afraid we’ll always be A book with the end pages ripped out, I’m afraid I’ll always wonder, Always ache, Always place everyone second to you I’m afraid I’ll always love you But I will not ask you to stay.”
— Does Time Truly Heal All Wounds? (Madisen Kuhn)
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November
Today I talked to my best friend about how much I was longing for the consuming love that I was so selflessly given by my ex. I miss his touch and voice and his heart. I miss being so comfortable around someone that I didn’t have to think twice about myself. I miss having someone look at me and know what I am thinking and feeling without me having to open my mouth.
I’m stilling have dreams of the proposal we so often talked about. About the house we would have and the perfect puppy that would greet us everyday. About the tiny humans we would share our consuming love with.
I miss you. I miss your soul. I hope that you are well.
Yeah I’m ready to die. That is all.
The ONLY good decision I made today was leaving the bar early to go to bed. Today was sooooo messy. I need to go on a long hiatus from booze and boys.
You know what always has my stomach in knots? Knowing that I will never fall out of love with my ex, but not being able to be with him because of all the toxicity that comes with us being together. We each deserve the love we have for one another, it’s a love no one else will ever be able to give, but we also deserve to be with people who can be what we each need. This makes me sad all the time. I wish I could stop thinking about it for one night.
Update on my face- I am finally feeling better. My eyes are no longer swollen. My skin is clear. Life fucking sucks, but at least my face looks good.
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feeling these a little extra recently
Mood:
I let a sinus infection get so bad because I wouldn’t slow down long enough to treat it, that it pretty much backed up into my eyes and infected them too. I have never been so sick and helpless. Today is the first day I’ve been able to open my eyes this much though so things are looking up... I hope.
I was having a good day for the first time in a while. Went to all my classes. Felt good about them all. Come back to watch Netflix and just unwind. Then, atypical played fucking First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes and now I’m just sad and can’t fucking focus on my homework now.
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Intervention
My boyfriend and two best friends come to visit for the weekend. We go out Friday night things are great. Wake up Saturday morning and turn down breakfast and the 3 of them all start in on “you need to eat more” “you’ve lost so much weight since school” “you have to eat” “you looked disgustingly small in that picture last night” “you know we only say this because we love you, right babe?”
IM DEPRESSED AND STRESSED AND MY ANXIETY MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP.
like fuck man, stop yelling at me and love me through it.
World Suicide Prevention Day
I could be dead. My first love could be dead. My best friend could be dead. But we’re all still here and that’s really fucking cool to me. And I’m really fucking proud of the people I care about most, who struggle the most, for still being here with me. I have faith the universe didn’t give us a second chance for no reason.
