I didn’t understand why I had to feel it so young
Why I even had to feel it at all
I hated that shit and how painful it is
It was one thing to miss my dog, “Zoozs” when he died a while back
Because I knew I still had another chance to love a new puppy
but it was another thing to miss my mother
I already had that chance
She had to go back whether I liked that or not
God blessed me with her for those years and
I’m so fucken grateful for that
Having to feel the ausencia of my mother at twelve years old eventually became a lifestyle
All of my thoughts, my feelings, my insecurities
I needed her to tell me what was right or wrong and when I was being juvenile
Loving her in absence was what I knew
But i was only able to control that for a while
Thank God that's when music comes through
I allowed myself to be bitter and have this “fuck everybody” mindset
I’ll be twenty years old in a couple months
And I’m still growing from having regrets to a creating a reset and to be fucken sane with myself and enjoy sunsets
My mom dying really fucked me up
everything that once felt normal vanished within a blink of an eye and forced us to grow up
I lost my childhood, my father, my brothers, loss after another
That was the first time I had ever seen my older brother cry
The first time my brother Miguel gave me a hug
I’ve seen that man be Superman all my life to hitting rock bottom and throw his feelings under the rug
He’s a changed man, he found God
He’s all I aspire to be
My mother’s last words to me were, “ya no puedo más, tu cuida a Clarita por mi, no la dejes sola.”
I now realized she was saying goodbye to me
My mother died a week after that
I saw the way my mothers ausencia killed my siblings
My older sister was pregnant and mom didn’t get to meet her first grandson
and my brothers Julio and Jorge were so protected by her, they had to create new beginnings
I’m so proud of them regardless of their conditions
My family is my everything
Two more years and it’ll be a decade since she’s been gone
I salute my family for making it this far and moving on
And If I can be a quarter of the women she was, I would have won at life