Poet, Blogger, Singer, Author

free write after three years

i miss my blog so much and my writing i miss singing and recording covers being an infectious beam of light always grateful and hopeful im not that person anymore so many years have passed and new experiences lived im very confused about some and i still cant accept the past each day i feel more afraid for the future, its so hard not to be disappointed in myself im not worried about words…

I just said bye to my world, my life, my everything…my Mom

I never expected to bury her so early, especially still having so many words unsaid

She suffered for so many years though; it was time to let her part

So wherever you are Mami, just know I’m doing just fine

My senior year in a new High School in a different state

God it was hard, I went from a build-up reputation to a, “What’s your name…

We loved someone who didn’t love us back, I’m still learning from that

I miss my mother more, now I wonder who she really was

She’s a childhood memory,

I mean almost a decade? C’mon, all her babies grown now

I still wonder if dad really misses her but I’m happy he fell in love with a good one,

I just pray he treats her better

You see I’m older now, I can see they’re lost without her

My siblings I…

We loved someone who didn’t love us back, I’m still learning from that

I miss my mother more, now I wonder who she really was

She’s a childhood memory,

I mean almost a decade? C’mon, all her babies grown now

I still wonder if dad really misses her but I’m happy he fell in love with a good one,

I just pray he treats her better

You see I’m older now, I can see they’re lost without her

My siblings I…

I keep telling myself stuff like, “girl you’re fine, you’re like a fucking badass, you always figure it out, breathe, there you go, stay hydrated, curl your lashes, yes, don’t be scared and continue to grow.”

but that ain’t e a s y

It’s been the most terrifying thing that I’ve experienced since about, idk eight years ago? Yes, learning to trust myself and my decisions, put in use what my parents…

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m but I mean like woke up, like full alert. I have no idea what time I fell asleep but I feel like I’ve made up years so it sounds like it could’ve been a nap. A couple weeks ago i began a journey to a better place for myself. Growing. in being happy. it’s been breathtaking, liberating, soooooo self-discovering and painful. Out of it I’ve learned to love myself in a…

I’m confidently lost, I may not know everything now but I know I can learn and I’m learning. I’m trusting myself to do my best for the best and trust I’ll succeed in what I’m putting my mind to and even if its the hardest shit i have to do, I keep doing that. Only You got you. Yes a mad women, a Lioness, I’ll protect my own and take care of my own. I create for my own. Trust my thoughts, my…

Wow…

i love this

The positivity, love, growth of so many people. I don’t know them but I can see how much they want to change. To grow. Their words and actions are different, I can see it.

They’re slowly destroying their walls of settling, of being untrue. They were confused, trying to fit in to something nobody really even understood what it even was but all they did know was how to be someone…

I can feel how life is breaking me, trying to bring me to my fucken knees. Just keep throwing shit at me, trying to make me a bitter person. Make me really not want to fuck with NOBODY. I’m fighting with my own damn self. I’m trying so hard to be sane and stay strong. Look at everything as temporary and listen to my intuition trying to understand what all of this means, what I need to receive,…

high on you

Let me get high on you

Come and Let me hold you,

I can place you just right between my lips and take a hit out of you

Kiss me

fill my lungs with your breath as you speak to me

Expand inside of me

Get me to that place only you can

and even sometimes

put me to sleep

Make my heart race and my body weak

It’s past midnight and we both know that’s when I crave you the most and you come…

I didn’t understand why I had to feel it so young

Why I even had to feel it at all

I hated that shit and how painful it is

It was one thing to miss my dog, “Zoozs” when he died a while back

Because I knew I still had another chance to love a new puppy

but it was another thing to miss my mother

I already had that chance

She had to go back whether I liked that or not

God blessed me with her for those years and

I’m so fucken grateful for that

Having to feel the ausencia of my mother at twelve years old eventually became a lifestyle

All of my thoughts, my feelings, my insecurities

I needed her to tell me what was right or wrong and when I was being juvenile

Loving her in absence was what I knew

But i was only able to control that for a while

Shit gets caught up but

Thank God that's when music comes through

I allowed myself to be bitter and have this “fuck everybody” mindset

I’ll be twenty years old in a couple months

And I’m still growing from having regrets to a creating a reset and to be fucken sane with myself and enjoy sunsets

My mom dying really fucked me up

I didn’t just lose her

everything that once felt normal vanished within a blink of an eye and forced us to grow up

I lost my childhood, my father, my brothers, loss after another

What a damn wake up call

That was the first time I had ever seen my older brother cry

The first time my brother Miguel gave me a hug

My dad

I’ve seen that man be Superman all my life to hitting rock bottom and throw his feelings under the rug

He’s a changed man, he found God

He’s all I aspire to be

My mother’s last words to me were, “ya no puedo más, tu cuida a Clarita por mi, no la dejes sola.”

I now realized she was saying goodbye to me

My mother died a week after that

I saw the way my mothers ausencia killed my siblings

My older sister was pregnant and mom didn’t get to meet her first grandson

and my brothers Julio and Jorge were so protected by her, they had to create new beginnings

I’m so proud of them regardless of their conditions

My family is my everything

Two more years and it’ll be a decade since she’s been gone

A decade

I salute my family for making it this far and moving on

And If I can be a quarter of the women she was, I would have won at life

I didn’t understand why I had to feel it so young

Why I even had to feel it at all

I hated that shit and how painful it is

It was one thing to miss my dog, “Zoozs” when he died a while back

Because I knew I still had another chance to love a new puppy

but it was another thing to miss my mother

I already had that chance

She had to go back whether I liked that or not

God blessed me with her for…

Everyday I think of how I’ll meet you

When I’ll met you

Where I’ll meet you

When I was five I met you as I laid in bed sleeping peacefully in my beautiful pink dress as you strode on your knight in shining armor horse to rescue me when I turned eighteen and you kissed me back to life

When I was ten I met you as I was sitting down on my assigned number and you came up to talk to me during third…

Lately I’ve been strong minded, and self discovering and bravely disagree with people I love to defend my self discovered beliefs with the more I find myself.

And I fucken love it.

I use to feel dumb and ashamed when people disagreed with my opinions that seems very right to me. I felt like a fool when I allowed myself to be put down.

Damn it’s the growth.

I love how I learn with music. I love…

I finally cried that cry, that cry that I’ve been too afraid and too confused to let out

Years of holding in those emotions, of the grief, of all that rencor, the resentment I’ve lived with since I made the mistake of saying a goodbye rather than a see you soon

I’ve been so resentful I was wishing and waiting as if I was the only one that lost you. I ignored that.

I cried as I was letting free…

It’s been so long that I’ve typed out my feelings and that’s because I thought that I had made it out from “the dark place”

As in it only happens once, the point in your life where you feel confused and lost and you want to just hurtle up into your moms arms at home

But there’s no home

And there’s no mom

Growing up fast has many pros and cons

For instance, it makes you more mature than others…