Hi I'm Ayana |Aries| |Montana| 🌻🍃🌊

there's something so raw and soul crushing about spending your late childhood+teen years suicidal then growing up and actually wanting to live, after an ungodly effort, only to see your health deteriorate because of chronic illness.

"is my body lovable?" yes. lovable, holdable, huggable, kissable, safe, wanted.

Life is really not so bad. There is sun and rain and beaches and mountains. There’s coffee and stories to read and things to write. People to say good morning to everyday. People to smile at. And when you pass a hiker they will nod and say hello and the cashier at the gas station might ask you if you’re okay when you need it most. Random girls will compliment you in the street and you’ll pay it back and compliment other strangers. They’ll make your day and you’ll make theirs. And there is cruelty but there’s a lot of beauty too. So many people have so much kindness in them. And you can’t single-handedly change the worst of life, but you can offer kindness too. You can make someone smile.

sudden urge to burst into tears. im not a toddler i just agree with their beliefs

i just think that, most of the time, you really do need to teach people how to love you. and equally, you need to be taught how to love others. this can feel scary and hard and even like a failure, especially if you're approaching a relationship with trauma - shouldn't it be easy to love me? yeah ofc. but love is an act of translation between people across experience, geography, culture, memory. it's constant, purposeful translation. and though it can be hard, there is real joy to be found in the teaching and learning of love.

the curse of summer is buying and eating an inadvisable amount of fruit in single sittings.

tengo frío y tú no estai aquí

really strange how you can be almost at peace with something that happened to you but it will continue to be a defining moment of your life for the rest of your life. you wont think about it much anymore but in a conversation about a film someone will mention the year it was released and you’ll think to yourself, “that was before it happened” and you’ll see an old photo and think how strange it is to have existed before it happened and somehow it’s like living a life in two acts