emotionally unstable

I've actually had those saved in my docs for a while now but had no idea what to do with them but then today I was like "what if I post it on tumblr" and so I did

Searching for his apartment keys, Hio happily hummed to himself the song that had been played repeatedly during dance practice. After finally finding what he had been looking for, he promptly went to unlock the door, the jingling of the metal objects and charms almost melodious followed by a familiar click. Once inside, he closed the door behind him and went through the familiar motions of locking the door, kicking off his shoes, hanging up his coat and scarf, and throwing his keys on the kitchen counter.

His apartment was relatively tidy, save for the old takeout boxes spread out on the coffee table alongside an open script covered with notes and highlighters scattered everywhere. He would pick it all up later, he told himself as he dropped his bag on the couch and trudged his way to his room, steps seeming to lose its earlier carefree bounce. While searching for a more comfortable change of clothes, the blonde quietly scrolled through his phone, occasionally pausing to text back a friend and then proceeding with what he was doing.

Once dressed in a black tee and a pair of sweatpants, Hio grabbed a much too familiar deck of bright yellow notecards and settled himself in front of a mirror. He looked intensely at himself in the mirror for a bit before finally looking down at the words on the first card.

I am beautiful, it had said.

He only had to repeat what it had said. There was much hesitation as he finally willed himself to look at himself once more. He opened his mouth, and then immediately closed it. Hio attempted to try again, but once more felt the words get caught in his throat. His brows furrowed together and he shook his head. Maybe the next one, he thought as he flipped the card over.

I am deserving of love, it read.

Hio stared at it for a long while, this time feeling a strong sense of denial. With a shaky breath, he looked at himself once more, almost feeling as if his reflection was mocking him. He tried once more, looking straight into those unfamiliar ruby eyes that were filled with so much loathing for the one sitting before it. No words left his open mouth, and his body only trembled horribly. Quickly, he averted his eyes to the ground, taking a moment to compose himself before going on to the next card.

I am a good person.

Next.

I am perfect the way I am.

Next.

I am proud of myself.

Next.

I am in love with myself and my body.

His lips quivered, and his whole being was shaking like a leaf by now. He opened his mouth, but only a sob escaped followed by a dry, desperate gasp for air. All of the notecards slipped from his hands and spilled out onto the wooden floor, but he hadn’t even noticed as he was too occupied with tugging aggressively at his hair, hoping that the dull pain would make him forget everything. It was only temporary though, for as soon as the pain subsided, he was reminded of the task that he had failed to complete when he saw the scattered notecards.

With shaky hands, he began to pick them all up one by one, neatly put them back together, and set them back on the nightstand, making sure that it looked perfectly set upon the wood. Once satisfied with it, he laid down and pulled up the covers around himself.

Hio was an actor and the world was the stage. His sole purpose was to entertain and please his audience; to make them laugh and to make them cry through each and every one of his performances. He must be dressed up nicely, his makeup must not be short of perfection, he had to captivate his audience, and he had to carry himself with grace or with clumsiness. It was whatever the audience preferred, of course. All powdered up and with not a hair out of place, he greets the audience with a practiced smile.

Hio was an actor and the world was the stage. Each and every character he played was designed to please different parts of the constantly growing crowd. Some liked the quiet and obedient character while others liked the boisterous and unruly one. Some liked the sweet boy who was a bit of a ditz while others enjoyed the nonchalant and mature character more. With seeing his audience smile, he believes that is what makes him truly happy.

Hio was an actor and the world was the stage. He moved accordingly, with practiced steps and a careful grace, dancing to each song that the audience played for him. The act was not over, and it never will be. Not until he finally falls from exhaustion will the curtains finally close and cease the show. He fears. He fears for his life for when that moment will come. Fears to disappoint. Fears that his act will only come to be hated in the end.

Hio was an actor and the world was the stage. His voice had to be trained, melodious, pleasing to the ear, and he had to hit every note perfectly. He had to go above and beyond to impress his beloved audience.

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