Alpha Mom

I've come to the realization that no matter when I die, I will leave a "to do list" behind.

Partly because, if you know me, you know I love lists. I live my life by them. But mostly because no matter how much I accomplish in this life, there is always more to do. One more person to help. One more cause to fight for. I'm ok with that. Because it's not about "regrets". It's about having a mind that always hopes, always dreams and is always striving. I think that is how we should live. Never like we have "arrived", but like there is always more to learn and do. My personal belief is that we were all born with a God-given purpose, and as long as I have breath, God still has a plan for my life.

But is it bad to carry dreams, goals, and vision to the grave? I don't believe it is... I believe we can pass those on, to those we leave behind.

But in the meantime, how do we LIVE? It's not our death that most defines us. But rather the deeds done in life. I've often thought (being a very passionate person) that it would be easy to give my life for a cause I believe in. BUT, it's living for that same cause that proves hard. Dying for something is relatively quick. (I am not downplaying the great martyrs of the past) But uttering my own heart that the "daily grind" of living a life for good, to make a lasting impact on this world for God... that is hard. It's 24/7. No breaks. People always watch us, they know if we are messing up, or if we are playing full out. And it's a daily challenge for all of us to live and love like we should. I have been challenged on this topic time and time again. By Mentors that have passed on, and at the end of their life left a great legacy and example behind them. 

Also challenged by the untimely deaths of young friends. The first time I lost a friend I was 12. And a 13-year-old boy from Church, was killed by a drunk driver. It was tragic. A life over before it had hardly begun. I always hoped that in his death, some of his family would come to know God, then maybe his death wouldn't have been for naught. Then a friend who was in our wedding was shot to death, the Police assume a burglary gone wrong. The third time I lost a friend hit me hard. This time, it was a beautiful young Mom in her early 20s. Killed in a car accident. She had an almost 2-year-old son, the same age as my son. It made me think of what I might happen to my two kids, if I were to die so young? Then, last week I lost a dear work friend. She was one of the sweetest people you could ever meet. One of those people that filled a room with her smile and laughter. You couldn't dislike her even if you tried!  A life so full of joy, and "everything fun". She was endlessly optimistic, even till the end. And obviously, I have had older friends and family pass on. Grandparents, Uncles, ect. 

So what do we do? How do we live a life we WANT to be remembered? I thought about it constantly at this last funeral. "What would people have to say about me"? Would it be good? Would it be good "enough"? Am I living right now, today in a way that if I died that my friends and family would have no reason to doubt my love, loyalty, and affection? Have I treated them well? Or would they remember harsh words? Would they wish we were closer? 

I have a habit of holding people at arm's length. I know this. It's hard for me to be vulnerable and truly open with people. Not because I don't care. Quite the opposite. I am a bit of an empath. And when I care, I care SO. DEEP. I feel what you feel. It keeps me up at night. The thoughts, the love, the worry. I wish the best for you. Pray for you all the time. So it is hard to have a lot of people in that inner circle, ask another empath and they will say the same thing. And it's also because I've been hurt before. By people I let into that inner circle. So I have the tendency to take years to build deep friendships. I just don't "trust quickly". But holding back, even emotions is not living life to the fullest. It cheats those I love of know how much they mean to me. I don't want that. So what do I want? What do YOU want to be said about you? What kind of impact do you want to have in this world?

I want to be missed. Not because it will matter to me once I'm gone. But because it will mean I had a positive impact on someone's life. That's what I want. I want people to say that they could always count on me. That my life encouraged them or helped them in some way. That I showed love. Showed them God's love!

I want my children to know that I loved them. Endlessly loved them! That they gave me a million reasons to smile each day! That God created them perfectly. That He has amazing things for their lives... and there isn't anything they can't do. And that the greatest job I ever had, was being their Mom. Someone else might do a better “job” raising them. But no one could ever love them as fiercely! 

I hope that my husband knows I was the lucky one. Nick has always been my rock. The steady one. Truly, my better half. My best friend. I hope he knows that this life we created together, was better than I ever hoped it would be!

But all that, whereas heartfelt, is just "words". 

BUT....I still have today! So while I have today I will show love. I’ll be more open with others. I’ll give more. I'll give one more hug. Steal one more kiss. Send one more text. Make one more phone call. Because love isn't some grand gesture as much as it the small things we DO every day!

“You have newborn twins, amazing! Are they your first? No?!?! You have FIVE kids???? WOW! Well, I guess you don’t work right now, do you?” 

That was one side of a conversation I had with a stranger this weekend. I had to laugh at the absurdity of her last statement to me. Of course, I politely chuckled and answered that with the twins only being 8 weeks old I was on Maternity leave. Because I knew she was referring to “working outside the home”. “working a normal job”. “working 9 to 5″. 

But, REALLY??? Without adding a million “LOL’s” in there, let me assure you it was a ridiculous statement for her to make. I have never worked so hard in my life as I do right now! I am a proud mother of five, yes FIVE young children. A 6-year-old girl, a 4-year-old boy, a 2-year-old little girl, and newborn twin girls. 

First of all, let me just say I know what it is to work LONG and hard hours outside the home. When my husband and I were first married, he was in school (college) full time and I was working a full time, and two part-time jobs. I was working 60-75 hours a week, every week! I was exhausted. BUT, being a Mom is by far harder. For several reasons.

1. I work MORE hours. This is something I don’t feel like I was ever mentally prepared for. I knew that Parenting takes a lot of time. But before I had kids I didn’t grasp the entirety of the situation. So let me break the hours down for you a bit. I have newborn twins... and I am fortunate enough to to be able to breastfeed them. I’ve timed it, and I spend an average of 9 & 1/2 hours EACH DAY nursing them! Then I have my 2-yr-old. That is the season of potty training. While she is technically “trained”, she only gives us a 60-second warning before she needs to pee... so you MUST run or you’ll have a mess to clean up. And if you miss the mark, well here come the added clean-ups and laundry. Then I have my pre-schoolers. While they are more independent, they still need to be directed to play. If not, they will be into everything that they know they shouldn’t... or at the very least, have made a bigger mess than two gorillas fighting for dominance in my house. And let’s not forget trying to balance the play time to be sure they get enough creative play, free play, outside/active time, educational play, games, reading time, etc. And of course, there are those “teachable moments”. Times all throughout the day that I add them to normal things, so they will learn them. (Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc) All of these activities take twice to three times as long, when you add small children to them. Then there are the Bedtimes, Meal times, Bath times, and more that add hours to each day. And that’s just what I do WITH the kids. There are countless things each day that need to be done around the house just to keep it running smoothly. Things that take care of the seven of us that live here, such as cooking & cleaning. As a Mom, I work an average of 17 hours a day! 

2. No days (or time) Off. There is no way around that one. When I was working three jobs, I didn’t get much time off... but I DID get time off. And when I was off, I was in control of what I did or didn’t do. I looked forward to weekends, and the occasional opportunity to “sleep in”. Yeah... I have toddlers. I don’t sleep in. Ever. Now, grabbing a shower by myself, once the kids are in bed feels like a mini vacation!

3. The mental workload & challenges of taking care of children are far more demanding. There is so much “multi-tasking” that goes on as a mother it’s crazy! You better be prepared to cook, do dishes, and oversea play time of the kids all at once, or you’ll never get anything done! With that, comes the reality that my brain rarely shuts off. Because when I’m not doing something, I’m trying to figure out/learn how to do it all better!

 4. As “Mom” I wear so many different hats and must be good at all of them. Boy, is there a lot of pressure there! And it will probably be a separate blog post at another time as well. But it’s true. To effectively do my job I must be a Health & Nutrition expert, a Chef... with an expert on cooking for kids with food allergies, a bargain shopper, have at least basic cleaning & housekeeping skills. (although I don’t iron clothes. Sorry) I must be a chauffeur, teacher, spiritual leader, activities director, peacekeeper..... and the list could go on & on!

5. They become what I AM, not what I say or teach. This again will be a separate blog post later. But the mental pressure and self-imposed doubt that comes with this knowledge adds far more weight to a mental burden than any job I’ve ever had. Because what I do today, WHO I AM today, effects and shapes the LIVES of five people. People who will one day make their own mark on this world. And I can only pray it’s for the better!

6. Lack of Sleep. Nothing pretty about that. I don’t sleep much. It’s not an option. So doing everything else, and doing it with a smile is more challenging. I know that it is just the “stage of life” I’m at right now. And I know it will pass. But it doesn’t make getting 3 to 5 hours of sleep any easier.

BUT.... I love it! The smiles, the love, the crazy... it’s mine. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Because as much as it’s draining, it is even more rewarding. It is what I signed up for when we had our oldest. To give my best, my ALL in raising these little people. They have my heart. They are my first Ministry. Am I perfect, NO. Far from it. Do I fail? Constantly. But I am getting better. And with God’s help, we will give them a home that is filled with love. An upbringing that lets them believe they are capable of anything they set their minds to. And a strong conviction that they were put on this earth to make it better. It’s a big job. No doubt about it. But I am pleased that God entrusted this huge job to me. I will cherish it. And try to stay “sane” while doing it.