It’s been awhile...
I’m not sure what I’m writing here or if this going to be a rant or if anyone is going to read this. I guess this is just a way for me to get things off my chest. It’s been awhile since I’ve last been on here. It’s been years really. A few times I considered letting this account get deleted but the tumblr community has been so good to me in the past. You all had been here for me in small and big ways when I was going through a rough patch in my life so it’s hard for me to let go. The past several years it seems as if my life has gotten better and yet I still experience those lows. Today was one of those. Probably one of the worst lows yet and I’m not proud of how I reacted. I did my best to keep my cool but sometimes you just lose it. I don’t usually curse or swear ever unless someone gets me really fuming and the only people that have ever successfully done that are my parents. And today was the first time in years that I have cursed them out. I lost it. I’ve tried so hard to keep it together and have tried so hard to make them proud of me and to just accept me but nothing has worked. They both think I am irresponsible, ungrateful, and selfish and a lot more. And they clearly think i’m a failure as my dad has brought up in today’s argument. And then I have my oh so supportive friends and coworkers (who are really more like family) who think I’m wonderful. But then that makes me wonder, what if I am really a horrible being and maybe i’m just in denial... I just feel so trapped and I want to leave and move out and just be on my own but my mom and dad make me feel guilty for even wanting to leave. My mom acts like I want to abandon them for my friends. My dad thinks i’m trying to run from my issues with my parents. But neither is the case. I want to move out (on my own) because I need space from them. I don’t want to move states away. I would be fine even moving into a place next door if i could. I just need that extra space away from them so I can breathe and grow and do something with my life. I can’t get anywhere in life with this endless cycle of arguments that happen at least once a day over stupid little things. That is quite literally all we fight about. Mostly my mom and dad brings up some issue they have about not putting the dishes in the right place or being rude by not wanting to help them by driving them to the store (they are very physically capable of doing this themselves) or not picking up the laundry from the machine fast enough. It stems from that and from me not thinking its a big enough deal to be screaming at people about it. Then it develops into something bigger and the past gets dragged into it and they like to remind me about my failures. They literally treat me like a child and they even said they do because they think it will help me but I am not a child, I am about to turn 27.... 2-7.... I am not a child anymore. How do they expect me to act like an adult around them if they don’t treat me like an adult? Everyone else around me tells me I’m clearly not a failure because I finished both my bachelors and masters degree and I’m actually doing things with my life but what if they’re wrong? What if I am a failure of a person? Will these feelings ever go away? I don’t know what I’m doing wrong that I can’t be perfect enough for my parents. No matter what I do, something is still wrong with me in their eyes. It feels like such a hopeless journey to try to please them and why should I continue to try if I already know the result? And how do I escape this emotional prison I am in with my family? This isn’t going to be solved by me sitting here typing this all out but at least it’s helping me to let go some of the anger and sadness I was feeling.
