Ki Charged:

the love of my life would never do this to me. And I would never do this to the love of my life.

So that means you've been on my mind everyday at some point.

That's why you no longer have access to me.

You showed me how important I was to you.

That's why I can't be your friend.

You let me go, ended the chapter, without even giving me the dignity of a real conversation. Just an email avoiding any responsibility and shifting all the blame onto me.

In the end I can admit my shortcomings, I can admit I tried and failed. I can apologize for the ways in which I did not live up to my potential.

The next chapter of my life cannot include someone who doesn't value me, or see my effort. I need someone who actually believes in me, who is willing to allow me to grow, even if it takes time, even if it's hard, even when I make mistakes.

Patience is my biggest virtue when it comes to love, and I was patient with you for years, waiting for you to choose me. What you're doing now is bringing back all of my trauma from the past with you... And I think you know that.

You don't really want to be my friend, you want to feel like you didn't hurt and lose the person who loved you most in the whole world. I wouldn't have done half the things I did for us if I thought this wasn't meant to be forever.

I have so many thoughts I want to share with you, so many realizations about life and love and connection...

I have to stop myself from messaging you all the time... Because I know you don't want to hear from me, and doing so would undo so much of the growth we are both seeking...

So I'll write it all here, whenever I feel like it, hoping subconsciously you feel it in your soul, how much someone out there misses you, someone who you seem to want to forget.

Maybe one day you'll remember who I was to you,

Fighting the urge to message you every single day is killing me. Wanting to know how you're doing... and share a laugh, a smile, a moment.

I miss all of the sweet and soft moments we used to share with each other, I miss your sleepy head next to mine in the morning.

I miss brushing our teeth together, I miss the walks we never took enough of. I appreciate all of these moments so much more in my memories, which is actually so heartbreaking because I can no longer create more of them with you.

I wish I could go back and do everything again but with more kindness, softness, tenderness, compassion, empathy... I was so wrapped up in my own stress I let it ruin the connections and conversations that needed to be had.

The clarity I have within myself about the person I want to be within a relationship is astonishing and I really wish it didn't take this much grief and heartbreak to realize it.

If I didn't, I would never be able to heal.

You fester in my mind and in my heart daily.

Healing is painful work, and these scars will last forever.

I hope one day our paths may cross in a way where our inner lights can connect again.

I started therapy,

I suggested couples counseling,

I was trying to work through my attachment style and become more secure,

I wished and wished that it would be easier for us to communicate if we had more time.

But you said it was too late.

I still do,

Always will...

I can't see you,

But I always can feel you.

You will be dearly missed.

I really messed this one up on my end...

I miss spending my days off with you.

I miss laying next to you, simply enjoying your presence.

The weather was so nice today, I wish I could've spent the whole day with you.

I am going to be broken about this for a long long time, perhaps the rest of my days.

I truly am sorry for the way that I was, I am growing every day because of this.

But you hurt me so so badly by leaving, I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you again.

That fact that you've moved on so quickly proves to me that you lied to me our entire relationship about how much you really wanted to be with me.

You are a liar. You lied to me and yourself for years didn't you.

All the promises of being soulmates and growing old together. All of it lies.

10+ years of being lied to... how the fuck am I supposed to respond to that.

All you ever did was break my heart, over and over.

My whole world, my life, my home, my family, my friends, I gave them all to you openly.

I waited years for you... I asked you to stay forever and I meant it.