Doing It My Way, Monday to Friday

Good ol’ gender tax, as told on Snapchat.

(Note: There’s an error in math.)

Imagine a Slytherin who can speak Parseltongue. When it gets out, they expect everyone to be freaked out, and a lot of people are, but most of the Slytherins just want to know how it’s done. Soon, Slytherins start sneaking snakes into the common room and the parseltongue speaker talks to the snakes while people observe. They start picking up on certain sounds and their corresponding phrases. Within a month, they’re all hissing at each other across the table in the Great Hall (mostly saying hello over and over, back and forth, because that’s the easiest phrase to learn, but no one else needs to know that). The first time one of them accidentally speaks Parseltongue at someone from another house, the Ravenclaw in question backs away like they’ve been threatened, but then another Slytherin quietly informs them that the other Slytherin was only saying hello, that in fact that’s all most of them know how to say. The Ravenclaw is appalled that they haven’t pursued this opportunity further, and soon, they’re working with the Slytherins to develop a working lexicon. Hufflepuffs are happy to join in, seeing an opportunity for interhouse unity, and even the Gryffindors decide to get in on it eventually.

Parseltongue becomes the student language. Parseltongue brings the houses together as students whisper back and forth to each other during class, and then feign ignorance when asked about the mysterious hissing sounds (there must be a problem with the pipes, Professor!). Parseltongue helps transform Slytherin’s legacy into acceptance and unity instead of elitism.

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GUYS WTF MY ELECTRICITY JUST WENT OUT WHAT THE FUCK

i hope it wore a jacket

New Yorker Tyeesha Mobley was at a gas station near her Bronx apartment with her two sons when she caught the older boy, aged nine, stealing $10 out of her purse. Thinking this was a good opportunity to teach him a lesson about honesty and consequences, she called the police, asking them to help her communicate the seriousness of stealing.

When the police arrived, however, Mobley’s Arrested Development-style lesson quickly escalated into a terrifying situation. Three of the four officers who arrived at the gas station apparently understood that this was a lighthearted call. 

“They started asking Tyleke what did he take,” said Mobley. “He told them. And about three officers was joking around with him, telling him, ‘You can’t be stealing, you’ll wind up going in the police car.’”

The fourth cop, however, had different ideas. He began yelling: “You black b——es don’t know how to take care of your kids … why are you wasting our time, we aren’t here to raise your kid … why don’t you take your f—-ing kid and leave?”

When she tried to follow his order, Mobley says the fourth officer arrested her, refusing to give a reason. While she and her children cried for him to stop, one of the other officers attempted to intervene, saying, “We are not supposed to act like this.”

He replied, “Black b——es like that … this is how I treat them.”

After her arrest, Mobley was hospitalized for the bruises she’d sustained on her legs thanks to the fourth cop kicking her during the arrest. She successfully fought off child endangerment charges—a pretty interesting charge given that the “endangerment” in question seems to have been calling the police.

Mobley’s two children were placed in foster care for four months, where they reportedly received sub-par care. Now, having recovered her children—who have undoubtedly learned a very different lesson than the one she intended to teach—Mobley is suing the NYPD.

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Now that’s pretty impressive.

More funny pics at funnypictures.co.uk

He likes to sleep like this