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There was a time and place, but there wasn’t a clock in sight. No compass. With all the pain we carried, we smiled, and lied, and lied. Does your heart still beat? Do your eyes still see? Are you fenced? Afraid? Alone? Cold? Dead? Dead. Die Fucking creep back into the shithole of an existence you know you are and just kill yourself just kill yourself just kill you r s e l f .

And then hopefully you will see that I was there for you the whole time.

Not once, but twice we smiled when we were together and hated ourselves when we were not.

Cigarette smoke in the air. The sun barely creeping out from behind the clouds over the hills. She stands in the shadow of said clouds, smiling at me through the misty haze between us. I can barely make out her eyes. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her face.

Would she recognize me?

As she walks towards me I can hear the crackling of a plastic trash bag. Her tender voice pulls me out of the inundating silence. “It’s your favorite - caramel green apple.” And just like that I can already feel her lips on mine, my hand around her waist, her breath on my neck, our bodies so close I could feel my  heart beating against her chest, her chest, her scent, her body, her hair, her everything that I’ve ever lusted for, her presence that I’ve longed for for the past three years, this sinful illusion casted before my eyes taking on the likeliness of the woman I’ve loved my whole life, this horrid memory that I so desperately hold onto with my hands outstretched, overextended, so painfully embracing the thorns of a once beautiful rose long deceased.

“Would you like one?”

You know I’m a little fucked up when I suddenly make so many posts.

I can’t remember if I’ve already written about infinite possibilities and I’m too lazy to check to see if I did or not but I’m gonna write about it anyways because I want to.

I believe in this thing I like to call “infinite possibilities.” It means literally what it says. If something is going to happen, there exists an infinite amount of possibilities for which it could occur. This means that if you were hoping for something to occur in a particular fashion, the probability of it happening exactly the way you want it to is one to infinity - it’s zero.

At the same time, there is also an infinite amount of possibilities for it not happening at all.

The beauty of this idea, and why I like it so much, is that I get to decide just how big that “infinity” is. Let’s say that I want to have a day where I don’t need to curve the grade on a test. I get to decide whether to believe that there is a 50% infinite possibility and a 50% infinite impossibility or if it’s 99% possible and 1% impossible.

I get to lie to myself without having to feel bad about lying to myself because it makes sense mathematically, and math is nice.

So how is this relevant?

Bae says she has a hard time completely eliminating the possibility that we may not be a thing after 5, 10, 15 years and because of that she has difficulty talking about her own future in terms of her certainty about us being a thing. So I’m just sitting here like bruh, infinite possibilities. I’m not saying that you should just get rid of that thought, I’m saying you should embrace that while it is possible there are so many ways that you could prevent that from happening.

Being uncertain about us is something I think would lead to us not ending up together, and I think that’s the reason I’ve been feeling so butthurt about it recently because I can’t get you to believe in it.

I’m not talking about marriage, or about how I’m going to be living with you in the future, I’m just talking about accepting that we wouldn’t a thing. That shit really bothers me for whatever dumbass reason idk. I just haven’t been able to get over it for four days and you got finals and I got no one to talk to cuz I’m fucking stupid ugh.

So anyways, I love your dumbass and I’m going to marry your dumbass one day so don’t give up on us you dumb.

I had always believed that "I love you" just meant "you are the one." She taught me that it means "you are the one, but so could somebody else." 

I can’t read it without an asterisk. All I have ever done was to help her get over her belief in impermanence, and she makes it seem like nothing I have done in the four years we have known each other has made her feel comfortable with accepting that I could always be the best for her. Even if I am not, she should already know that I am willing to change to become the best for her.

She would tell me that I should prioritize myself and seek to gain what is best for myself, but this is where our conceptions of what “I love you” makes the difference. To me it means that you are the one for me and I will do everything I can to ensure that I can always be there for you. To you it means that I am the one for you but only because currently there is no better option.

And I feel like I’m starting to sound angry about this, but I also want to make a point to say that I feel like you are more selfish than I am when it comes to love. You are not as willing to make sacrifices for my sake as I am for you.

And that’s okay. It’s not something that should change how we currently feel about each other. It’s just incredibly difficult for me to read “I love you” without leaving out the asterisk, and that sucks.

You know she a Hoe when the first thing she says is “I had sex with another guy while you were watching and it was hot, but it was in a dream.”

I’m tired of not being what I used to be for you.

I will once again shoulder this weight.

It started out with you telling me that only one friend would be available to hang out over the break. Then it turned into a weekend with your sister. Now it’s your friends and your boss.

I mean, yea I’ve been giving you space and yea you’ve already told me that you appreciate what I’m doing for you. But when I tell you about my plans so far in advance, and then to have to make changes to them after all this waiting; the feeling just sucks.

Yes, you were busy the whole time so it would make sense that you were not able to keep me in the loop with all of the upcoming events. But to write it off as “thanks for giving me some space it is very much appreciated bc even when I’m home not much time to chill” without addressing the feelings I’ve been holding back for so long - it just seems like it’s not enough.

This is an improvement, however, compared to what I’ve had to deal with before. I guess it just especially sucks because the good changes lasted so short. Maybe I’m just unnecessarily complaining again. Maybe I’m being overly romantic. Who knows.

I feel like you don’t realize how much you’ve fallen out of love.

I’ll sort these feelings out when I see you again if I see you again.

It’s one of those days where you feel like it sucks to be you.

Thing is, I never forget anyone. 

Not because I can’t but because I don’t want to. To me, forgetting that person is the same as taking every mutual memory shared between the two of us and throwing it all way like it was nothing. To forget is to disrespect and if I ever did something that made someone else so upset that they should feel the need to forget me, then the last thing I should be doing is disrespecting them.

I am responsible for the pain I inflict on others, and it’s something I will never be able to make up for. I carry that weight with me instead of walking out of it because I want to remember the mistakes I’ve made.

Just gotta keep smiling.