Kalisama's Art Blog

 Hey all, 

Sorry I completely ghosted tumblr. I’m not dead, it’s just been a rough couple of years. Feel free to read on if you’re curious.

 I disappeared around the time our dog got cancer. He needed around the clock care for what we thought was going to be a period of recovery, but he continued to decline mentally until he just wasn’t with it anymore. My pets were my babies so that hit me pretty hard. Also found out I was pregnant a month before. There were some early complactions and I ended up on bed rest for a bit. Got carpel tunnel, ended up not being able to do much in the way of art for most of my pregnancy. And then we had a baby girl. And 2 months later the military moved us halfway across the country to a place with no housing available. 😅So we bought a house sight unseen. The day we moved in my dad called to tell me something was wrong with my mom. My mom was in and out of the emergency room multiple times in the following week before ending up in emergency surgery because she almost died, and my very beloved cat suddenly passed away that same week.  All of these things completely overshadowed the fact that I was struggling with PPD. I kept saying I’d be better when there wasn’t so much stress. But I wasn’t. My anxiety was out of control and I wasn’t getting any sleep. And let me tell you, severe anxiety and sleep deprivation is not how you want to enter a global pandemic...My husband got deployed somewhere in there, and things were crap for a long while. Then, when I finally started to feel better my dad unexpectedly passed away…

It’s been a year and a half now since he’s been gone. Most of that time feels like a void. A year and a half of trying to hold my family together while being the solo care giver for my toddler. My mom was not functional for months. I took my daughter and went to live with her in Wisconsin until we could get her back up on her feet. It wasn’t a planned trip. We literally left home the morning after my dad passed, and didn’t return until 5 months later. My family will never be the same, I think everyone of us has had some mental health struggles this past year, but things are slowly getting better. I can see them adapting, evolving around the black hole of grief. Moving forward. In February I decided it was time to start making space for myself again. I’m working my way back to finding those things that I loved before my life became a blur of depression and child raising. My dad loved to see me creating art, and in his last couple of months he would often mention that he was concerned that I had given up on the things that brought me joy. I’ve come to the realization that honoring him doesn’t just mean trying to take care of everyone else’s needs and leaving no time for my own. It’s been a slow process. I’m taking some online art courses and doing art in my free time. Last month my husband gifted me an iPad which has been a total game changer as far as being able to get some creative time in while taking care of our 3 year old.