This is not about telling everyone and anyone about personal stuff. It’s about venting. It’s about making room for things I have to know and learn alongside the fears and thoughts that keep on taking up more and more space in what feels like an ever more claustrophobic mind. Because I need to make room for the new things so that I can stay on track, somehow pass this exam and make sure that I finish school as fast as I possibly can so that I know that I’ve done everything to make it possible for my mom to see me graduate. For her, but selfishly for me too. Because I need her to see me be able to do something that she can be really proud of. Because I’ve lived for so long taking everything for granted, that my mom will be there when I graduate, when I get engaged, get married, have kids and everything, when the reality of it all is that nothing is certain. I have no control over this, I can’t fix anything, nothing I do will be enough, I feel powerless in the face of all of this, because I don’t know what will happen. All I can do, the only minuscule thing I can do is to try and save time by mashing into my head a load of info about things I, for the moment, don’t have the energy to care about so that I can come closer to graduating, to helping others, healing others, completely selfishly because I want and need my mom to see it. And I’m not a cynic, I constantly hope for the best, but I can’t live in a fairytale world, no matter how much I’d love that, and be oblivious to what’s going on. Because then I’ll miss out on things, and I’ll regret so much, and I need to be prepared, I need to crumble, fall, and break apart to be able to, as my grandfather put it, ‘get thicker skin’. I’m building a wall inside my mind to keep the fears out, the nightmares, but those walls crumble too often and I feel myself losing sleep, growing more exhausted, breaking, in the hopes that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That expression is good, but not completely true. At all. I’ve only seen and learnt that too well. I know too much, and though I hope with every fiber of my being, with every single breath, that I could help, that it will be alright, that it will be over and fixed, I also know that I can’t fix it, and that I can’t be sure that it is over. And it’s hard to put words to all of this without sounding negative and horrible, because I’m not, I try every day to see the positive side of things, but that requires keeping other things inside my head, gnawing at my thoughts and the energy reserves I have, and that’s why I need to vent. Part of what’s kept me afloat is the friends I have who are there, supporting, asking, caring about what I’m, but foremost about what my mom, is going through and I’m so grateful to have them, that they don’t just say that they’re there if I need them, but that they’re there whether or not I need them, because they realize that I’m so drained that I don’t have the energy to go that extra inch and ask for them to be here. They just are. And it feels stupid to say that I feel drained, when I know what my mom is going through, what I’ve seen first-hand, and how strong she is and how I feel so guilty for complaining about being tired, exhausted, when it is nothing by comparison to what she’s fighting through, and that I hate myself for even admitting how weak I am. No matter how hard I try, whatever I do is not enough, and no matter how hard I try to put words to how I feel, it’ll never come out right. This video, however, the dance and the lyrics, completely encapsulates how I feel. It’s worth taking a look. And I'll try to get some sleep. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=xnguqsMQmg4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DxnguqsMQmg4
theartofmadeline
amandla
turnnoffyourmind
titsay
yousharknotpass