Growth isnβt glamorous.
Its 4:43am and I canβt sleep.
I have laid awake, rolling from side to side, trying to visualise 1-10 in my minds eye, focusing on the inhales and exhales... Yet my brain does not want me to flee the thoughts that are trapezing my brain.
This year and last have been particularly savage, I know this to be truth for so many humans and in ways I canβt even comprehend; this isnβt a comparison sort of thing, just an introspection. I keep thinking how this life seems to refuse us to leave chapters without closure or resolution. There are things that I went through years ago and I never had sufficient closure, I felt I had done the wrong things and for the wrong reasons.
So life puts me back into those chapters again, life makes me live through similar themes that were once my living, breathing hells, to see how I handle them as time has gone on⦠Have I truly learned, have I grown and adapted in a way that I had never believed possible, had I really changed my tune?
It isnβt a beautiful, romanticised thing, but yes. I did change. I did adapt. I did gain control, even if it was messy and chaotic, I have become a better person than I was in the past.
The event that the chapters crossed over again I will leave out, however the morbid part, the part that I am proud of, I will say.
I did not try to end my life. I did not succumb to self-injury. When the chapters were first experienced, those are the actions I put into action. I have grown. I have learned to treat my body with more respect that I once did, and I have learned the importance of people. People make life worth living and even when I donβt want to live for myself, I must keep on living for them.
Itβs not a Hollywood romance, a glorious woman who started conquering her life, making every good decision and turning it all around.Β
Life does not work that way. Life is a crawl, just as its something we run through, cantering betwixt brambles and branches, shrieking with calloohβs and toasting with beercans; yet there are also times that we are barely balancing on the foundations that fracture beneath our feet.Β
Life is an everchanging, confusing, beautiful, baffling agony and there are times we feel so on top of it that we canβt fathom the idea that things could ever be so bad that we canβt get out of bed, it seems baffling that a body could feel as heavy as a buffalo.. Akin to the times we are so low that the idea of frolicking with friends, feasting with adoration & vigour seems like an alien concept.
The change in actions since the first experience of said chapters has given me hope for my future, itβs shown that I do have strength and my heart is better a thing that it once was. I was far from perfect, I was still a chaotic, hurting, damaged personβ¦ Yet I did not harm or damage or lash out in a way that I once did. I didnβt seek to stop existing, even if there were times I wished to be gone from this realm, I never allowed myself to go there. I reacted in bad ways, I did things I have remorse for, yet I know I acted with more kindness than callousβ.
Progress isnβt always pretty. Itβs not always massive leaps, huge life changes, sometimes itβs the realisation that when you have experienced things again that once destroyed every single part of you, that you are a kinder person, a more resilient person. You have grown.
